Ursula745

My brother. Last I think I posted he was in and out of rehab, lost job.etc. he stays dry for a few weeks, then goes back to drinking. He did it once again. This time, he is at home, blacked out, got a little physical with his wife, and she took the kids and herself and left. not the first time she left, but I think it's the first time she left because she felt unsafe.

Now, I think we are all at the point where we want no more in involvement in this. I know I am there. He called all last night and already started this whining because he's low on booze and in that crying, manipulative state where he says he can't do this without someone there, why don't you love me, blah blah blah.

Im all done. I told him last night if he needed help he can call 911 and his sponser as well as he can call me. I told him to not call me again until he wanted to get it together. I just can't do it anymore.

He told me jut last week he thought his only problem was hard stuff, and that he could drink beer just fine. So guess what the tells me? He doesn't want a sober life. And I don't want a drunk for a brother. I have been awake praying that he would be ok and worrying that he would be dead today, but he's already started calling today and leaving voicemails of him just crying.

Its ripping out my heart, and making me angry all at the same time. I cannot do this. I just prayed and asked God to take care of him. I did not pray for anything specific, because I do not know what that is or what he needs anymore. I just asked God to take this.

Please pray for him if you do pray. And any advice you have I would love to hear.

HopefulmomtoD

It sounds like you are getting it. There is nothing you can do. He has to want it- he's been to rehab and he knows what he needs to do. The choice is completely up to him.

My son is a recovering alcoholic so I understand your pain.

Hopeworks

Ursula,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this and yes... all you can do that is helpful is to lovingly detach, take care of yoruself and pray for him.

He has to want to stop drinking MORE than he wants to drink...to the point of wanting sobriety and recovery like a drowning man clawing his way to the surface for a breath of air and ...life.

He must break up with alcohol for good and be willing to do the hard work of authentic recovery.

We should not do for them what they can do for themselves. He has a phone so he can call and arrange detox, return to treatment or AA. Clawing his own way out is how he will learn how to stay in recovery on his own.

Most likely he wants pity and a drink right now...hopefully this is a time of reflection that will spark a change of direction.

You are in my prayers as well as your brother (my brother is an alcoholic so I have been there).

cli

Yikes. He's exactly right, isn't he? You really don't want a drunk for a brother.

I will indeed pray for you both, but know you are doing the right thing. Surely one of the biggest influences helping my exRABF stay on track is the fact his own younger brother despises him now. He doesn't even want him living in the same town anymore, for all the same reasons you're dealing with now. I doubt they've spoken at all in the past year. It's tragic, until you realize what a good motivation reclaiming love and trust and family can be. So do it now with love instead, before you grow to hate him.

I'll pray for your brother to come to that realization, and for you in case he doesn't...

Just remember he did say it himself. You don't want a drunk for a brother. You really, really don't!

Sueski

I have no advice but I think handing it over to God is best for you, and that's the one thing you have influence over.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Ursula745

Thank you for all the kind advice. Sometimes it does NOT feel like the right thing to let go. It hurts like nothing I have ever done. We lost our parents in the past four years at a very young age, from them not taking care of themselves, and it was tragic for him. I can't get him to realize he's got t deal with his issues. Now, I'm forced to watch him go down the same path. I just can't watch it.

I think my Dad was an alcoholic that was dry. So many of the same behavior patterns are there. I look at my brother, and it's my Dad all over again, and my dad and I did not have the best relationship. Never thought my brother would be just like him, even moreso, because my brother had issues with my dads behavior.

Thank you all for taking the time to post. I keep praying for specific things for my brother, but decided to let God have the specifics. He knows what he needs and what he's struggling with. I do not.

Ursula745

He keeps calling. I am not going to answer the phone. It is so hard. I want to block his number but I am not at the point yet that I can. His voicemails are him crying and sobbing in the phone. I can't listen to them anymore. Turning it over....

I don't even know if he remembers what I told him last night. I want to text him and say to stop calling me until he gets this together, that I don't want any part of the manipulation anymore. Don't know if I should or not. At least if he doesn't remember what I said, he will have it in writing to remind him every time he wakes up.

Sueski

Can you shut the machine off for a while so you don't have to listen, or maybe even get out of the house for a bit?

Ursula745

Yes. My hubby and I are going out for a fall festival at a local arboretum so I think that will help. Going to see if my sil and the kids want to go. It's my cell he is calling. Once I'm with them I will know they won't be calling me for anything, I can turn it off.

You know what's weird is that if he has money he will go get liquor, but when he runs out and starts coming out of his drunk, he does this. He has the where-with-all to not go and steal it that I know of, and will adjust sit in the house crying and calling everyone excep AA members, sponsors, people who can really help. So on some level, he has half his brain there. I don't get why he can't care enough about us and himself to make better choices, if he's capable of making some choices at all.

I often wondered if there would ever be a time that a person was so mentally incapable of doing this, and maybe it's time for a mental inquest warrant or something but each time he shows me he can make some choices, just crappy ones. And when he's dry, he can function, just won't deal with his issues that lead him back to the bottle.

Learn2Live

I know exactly how you are feeling because i went thru this with my own brother. For years. And yes, you are doing the right thing. It gets harder before it gets easier. I suggest you google Dr Floyd Garrett and read his articles on his bmawellness website. I also recommend learning about the disease of alcoholism, Under The Influence is a good book you can get cheap on amazon or which may be at ur library. I also suggest Abraham Twerski's Addictive Thinking. When you learn how they think, you begin to see the manipulations, and you can better understand why they call you "crying" all the time.

It's counter-intuitive but honestly, you are doing the best thing for him. Letting go, no longer being his sounding board, no longer feeling sorry for him, no longer searching for the reasons why he is this way and making excuses for and trying to fix him. He does not need to be fixed. Rehab is not a magic cure all.

Be strong. Do your best to move on with your life. Don't listen to the voicemails, just delete them because they will all be the same. Soon he will get the picture. Enjoy life. Enjoy your family. Remember, there are no "shoulds." Don't believe the Norman Rockwell idea of what "family" and "brother" should be. We are ALL suffering from having friends and loved ones with this problem. It affects us all.

Take care of YOU. He is not your responsibility.

Ursula745

Thank you. This is gut wrenching. my sil is not going with us. My hubby is going to hold my phone so I do not see my brothers calls today. He offered to screen in case my sil or their kids need anything. Sweet man he is. I didn't ask him to. He just offered to take it.

I just wonder how all this will turn out? Sad to say but he's committing a slow suicide. Sometimes I wonder if he will be spared this by treating his addition or spared by dying young. Time will tell.

Learn2Live

Ursula, my family have been watching my father commit a slow suicide for 25 years. I know it is gut wrenching, but it will get better, I promise. I know this sounds harsh but the BEST thing I learned for myself in this situation is to keep telling myself, "L2L, mind your own damn business and keep your mouth shut." He is a grown man and he's got to come to this on his own. It is not my place to teach him how to live his own life and take care of his responsibilities. I spent tens of THOUSANDS of dollars trying to "teach him." When all the while he was just enjoying the fruits of my labor while I neglected and ignored myself!

When I finally let go, I was frantic. At the end of my rope. Exhausted. Panicking about where his children were! Trying to prevent the inevitable from happening. But once I let go, I discovered what peace and serenity actually mean.

I promise you you are doing the right thing. And everything is going to be OK. Pick up Codependent No More from the library tomorrow

Ursula745

I'm in Alanon. Have read Codependent No More, the Language of Letting Go, and Why Dont They Just Quit. Going to purchase Under The Influence for my Kindle. Will also look at the other things you mentioned.

Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing.

Learn2Live

Please enjoy your day!!!

Sasha4

Please offer your sister in law and her kids some support.
When my partner left me with a 3 month old baby, my partner asked his sister and mother not to contact me. They did not. I was so hurt. It felt like I had done something wrong, when it was him that upped and left to live with another woman.

I was heartbroken.
I was also exhausted from looking after a baby on my own, with none of my family near me.

I don't think I will ever get over the hurt that caused.

I don't think you need to apportion any blame for the spilt, but just offer a friendly sister in law shoulder to cry on. Take the kids out, treat them as they must be hurting too and let her have a little break.

xxxx

Ursula745

I am completely there for her. She is like my own sister and I love those kids like they are my own. We spend a lt of time together without my brother. She and I talk a lot so that is not an issue. I love them.

I am so sorry that happened to you. I cannot fathom not being in contact with her or the kids. (((hugs))) to you and thanks for sharing your experience.

Sasha4

Thats brilliant, I am so glad you are.

It is such a heartbreaking time and when you have kids you can't lay in bed all day and cry, even though you want to.

Thanks for your kind words. It was a horrid situation and I am still not sure how to forgive and if I can do.

Give those babies a snuggle from me

xxxx

dandylion

Dear Ursula, I believe you are doing the right thing. The trick is to stay consistant with the boundrys. Those of us who have been there (I have) know just how gut-wrenching it can be.

You are going to alanon and have read some of the good recommended literature. LearnToLive, suggested Dr. Floyd Garrett's articles from his website--these helped my understanding of the alcoholic's dilemma more than anything I have read. I highly recommend this because I believe it will help you.

Your SIL is fortunate to have someone like you in her life. Maybe you could watch the kiddies wile she attends some alanon meetings. That would surely help her, right now. God bless you for being there for her and the kids.

You love your brother. Sometimes the best thing is to love them from a distance---he has a better chance at recovery if everyone stops cushioning his falls. That doesn't mean to stop loving him---just the opposite!

Keep posting---any time you want to.

sincerely, dandylion

SadHeart

My oldest son and youngest are 4.5 years apart. They were always very close growing up, the youngest admiring oldest and the oldest always patient with him and played with him and looked out for him.

And then oldest found pot and alcohol, and started bullying youngest. Youngest put on FB that oldest was an alcoholic. I made him take it off. Oldest was outraged and for the next year every time I had my back turned, oldest physically abused youngest.

The day oldest was thrown out of the house, youngest watched from across the street not part of it at all. Oldest walked across the street and spit in his face. I don't think youngest will ever forgive his brother. Ever.

Grandma excuses oldest's behavior, sure it's just a 'personality conflict' and youngest brought it on himself, youngest should be more understanding. Youngest is outraged by Grandma's partiality and will probably never forgive her either. He's got very strong boundaries and will not interact with messed up people: and he considers his grandmother and his oldest brother very messed up.

So many messed up relationships.

Our lives are very calm since oldest left the house. It will be calmer still when grandma is cut off too.

This is unbearably sad, but necessary. I'm so sorry your family is being torn up by your brother's choices.

Ursula745

I'm glad your household is more calm, but it's so sad, isn't it. All the turmoil. Myself, my sil, and the kids are all in Alanon and alateen even though the kids aren't quite teens.

I'm so glad I found this place and that there are places for families to go. I am also considering going back to counseling.