How do we use insight about what went wrong to
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am not sure I understand your question but I wanted to share what I have discovered. It has become far more important to work on me and understand my role in the unhealthiness of my marriage. I needed to know why I would tolerate unacceptable behavior.
I have been taking a Coda class and we are using Untangling Relationships workbook. It is a Christian perspective of Codependency. Wow, I can not begin to tell you how eye opening it has been. In looking back at my life, I can see clearly that my issues started long before I met my husband.
I always believed I was such a caring, compassionate person. How shocked I was to realize I had become a very selfish and controlling person. My attempts to fix and save really filled a need in me. It gave me meaning, self worth and almost a high. Oh, how I enjoyed the playing the victim. ugh!!
I have been taking a Coda class and we are using Untangling Relationships workbook. It is a Christian perspective of Codependency. Wow, I can not begin to tell you how eye opening it has been. In looking back at my life, I can see clearly that my issues started long before I met my husband.
I always believed I was such a caring, compassionate person. How shocked I was to realize I had become a very selfish and controlling person. My attempts to fix and save really filled a need in me. It gave me meaning, self worth and almost a high. Oh, how I enjoyed the playing the victim. ugh!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Oops - meant to say:
It is one thing to look at a failed relationship and "see" or have real insight into what our part was in what went wrong.
It is another thing to internalize those insights so that our behavior actually changes. Someone on this forum says about our choices for partners "my picker is broken".
I'm curious about what people are DOING differently so that their next relationship isn't an unconscious repeat of the prior relationship.
In other words, how do you get from understanding what went wrong, to really doing something different?
ShootingStar1
It is another thing to internalize those insights so that our behavior actually changes. Someone on this forum says about our choices for partners "my picker is broken".
I'm curious about what people are DOING differently so that their next relationship isn't an unconscious repeat of the prior relationship.
In other words, how do you get from understanding what went wrong, to really doing something different?
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Well, I'm here because of an addict child, not spouse, but could it be as simple as working on and understanding yourself? Growing and changing, so that you are no longer the person that *picked* an addict? Would a healthy person, with a strong self esteem, want to live with an active addict?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think there are so many variables at play in relationships that it is difficult to pinpoint changes in ourselves that will assure a good outcome in the next relationship.
For example, people do change. Mr. Wonderful (or Ms.) over the course of 20 years might go off in a completely different direction than they themselves anticipated. So many variables are at play in their own decisions. One step left might lead to a completely different path than had that one step been right.
The only thing I can say for sure in my relationship with my XAH was that there were red flags that I should have addressed ahead of time. They were deal breakers. It was my fault that I entered a relationship fully expecting him to change in anyway. That mistake I completely own, he doesn't own any of that. That the particular behaviors I wanted to change in him were not healthy for him, much less a relationship, that I was RIGHT, does not play into the fact that I didn't address them beforehand. Letting someone think that we are ok with a behavior we are not ok with, is blindsiding them!
As far as that I was gullible and naive, well, who can see something and understand it before they see it? Impossible.
Life goes on. There are still no guaranttees. What is different in me is that I am ok with that. If future relationships blow up, I won't fall apart. I no longer expect nor place that much belief in relationships. They are what they are when they are, and they change. Life is more like a river that sometimes changes course than a direct sure and stable path. If I don't expect life to give me guaranttees, I won't be disappointed or fall apart again when it doesn't live up to my expectations. Simply I've grown up enough to know that we have to laugh at the things that come our way, and continue on without a meltdown in spite of them.
In a nutshell: It's ok to be me.
For example, people do change. Mr. Wonderful (or Ms.) over the course of 20 years might go off in a completely different direction than they themselves anticipated. So many variables are at play in their own decisions. One step left might lead to a completely different path than had that one step been right.
The only thing I can say for sure in my relationship with my XAH was that there were red flags that I should have addressed ahead of time. They were deal breakers. It was my fault that I entered a relationship fully expecting him to change in anyway. That mistake I completely own, he doesn't own any of that. That the particular behaviors I wanted to change in him were not healthy for him, much less a relationship, that I was RIGHT, does not play into the fact that I didn't address them beforehand. Letting someone think that we are ok with a behavior we are not ok with, is blindsiding them!
As far as that I was gullible and naive, well, who can see something and understand it before they see it? Impossible.
Life goes on. There are still no guaranttees. What is different in me is that I am ok with that. If future relationships blow up, I won't fall apart. I no longer expect nor place that much belief in relationships. They are what they are when they are, and they change. Life is more like a river that sometimes changes course than a direct sure and stable path. If I don't expect life to give me guaranttees, I won't be disappointed or fall apart again when it doesn't live up to my expectations. Simply I've grown up enough to know that we have to laugh at the things that come our way, and continue on without a meltdown in spite of them.
In a nutshell: It's ok to be me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Earthworm 
You look at your patterns, that's where a sponsor and the steps come in.
When I left my abusive EXAH after I had successfully completed rehab for my own addictions/alcoholism, I "thought" a big part of the problem was gone.
The reality was that I continued to carry a whole lot of baggage with me, and continued to choose unhealthy relationships for 11 long miserable years.
I'd reason that he didn't have a felony record, or that he wasn't physically abusive, etc etc.
The fact of the matter was all of those men I was involved with over the years after leaving EXAH were at best emotionally unavailable, and at worst emotionally abusive.
I made a firm commitment after my dry drunk fiance walked out on me in July '99 that I was not going to consider even casual dating, let alone a relationship until I had done much work on self.
As it turns out, I had a few casual dates in recent years. Neither gentleman was my cup of tea, and that was the end of that.
I have come to appreciate how far I have come, and am quite content sans a man in my life. From being the queen of codependency to where I am now has been a difficult but immensely rewarding journey.
I have no idea if I will ever get into a relationship again. What I do know is I no longer need a man to feel complete, and that in itself is a miracle.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass
Life goes on. There are still no guaranttees. What is different in me is that I am ok with that.
I no longer think in terms of "forever" and focus instead on enjoying today.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
For me it's been a lot of baby steps. Everything I learn about me, I try to accept and then learn alternative behaviors. The "Why" is not so important IMO. The why is just a stepping stone, something to gauge my compass by. I've often gotten stuck on the why.
If you want to learn how to change yourself, I strongly suggest a Brian Tracy book.
For me it's about changing my way of thinking. About inhibiting my first response to events that occur in my life. About detachment. About building myself and my life the way I want it to be. To learn about myself, to sit quietly with myself, and just listen and observe.
About building healthy boundaries (but first i have to learn what healthy boundaries are). To make conscious choices. And it's about practice because I am a strong believer that you can make up your mind how you want your life to be but relationships are hard and I have to keep practicing in order to learn about me.
Everyone I have been in relationship with has taught me something about myself. No, not directly. It's like a puzzle. Who is good for me? Who is bad for me? What do I keep repeating? What do people keep repeating about me? What are my insecurities? Why do I keep holding on? What am I trying to preserve or prove about myself by holding on to someone else? Do I really want to be that way?
How do I become good enough? Am I already good enough?
I make choices every day. The trick is training myself to make healthy choices without having to think about them too much. I'm in the habit of choosing people who excitement and then taking care of them so that they stay. This time I've learned that I REALLY don't want to be tied up with someone who needs taking care of! And that those who do are usually stronger in personality than I am and will manipulate me and my life to take care of them. I must become stronger in this respect and not just hand over the reins of my life to anyone.
I have to learn to keep control of that which I can control: Me.
Hope something here is helpful to you. Thank you for posting your question.
If you want to learn how to change yourself, I strongly suggest a Brian Tracy book.
For me it's about changing my way of thinking. About inhibiting my first response to events that occur in my life. About detachment. About building myself and my life the way I want it to be. To learn about myself, to sit quietly with myself, and just listen and observe.
About building healthy boundaries (but first i have to learn what healthy boundaries are). To make conscious choices. And it's about practice because I am a strong believer that you can make up your mind how you want your life to be but relationships are hard and I have to keep practicing in order to learn about me.
Everyone I have been in relationship with has taught me something about myself. No, not directly. It's like a puzzle. Who is good for me? Who is bad for me? What do I keep repeating? What do people keep repeating about me? What are my insecurities? Why do I keep holding on? What am I trying to preserve or prove about myself by holding on to someone else? Do I really want to be that way?
How do I become good enough? Am I already good enough?
I make choices every day. The trick is training myself to make healthy choices without having to think about them too much. I'm in the habit of choosing people who excitement and then taking care of them so that they stay. This time I've learned that I REALLY don't want to be tied up with someone who needs taking care of! And that those who do are usually stronger in personality than I am and will manipulate me and my life to take care of them. I must become stronger in this respect and not just hand over the reins of my life to anyone.
I have to learn to keep control of that which I can control: Me.
Hope something here is helpful to you. Thank you for posting your question.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The Fourth & Fifth Steps are an enormous help at this point. We discovery what our part is in the problems that happened. I can't tolerate resentment, it feels like acid in my gut. The biggest way to avoid it is to ask myself "what's MY part in this" and take responsibility when I'm wrong. Recovery is about growing up. Hey I let this a*shole into my life and took far too long to get rid of him. Learning that it's much easier to point the finger at someone else than look honestly at my own problems. The problem isn't him, it's ME.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
God, I just think this is brilliant, LoveMeNot!! This is the truth, dare I say for most all of us here that so many totally refuse to accept. The truth that you have accepted is pure inspiration!
In looking back at my life, I can see clearly that my issues started long before I met my husband.
I always believed I was such a caring, compassionate person. How shocked I was to realize I had become a very selfish and controlling person. My attempts to fix and save really filled a need in me. It gave me meaning, self worth and almost a high. Oh, how I enjoyed the playing the victim. ugh!!
I hear you, amen, sister!
In looking back at my life, I can see clearly that my issues started long before I met my husband.
I always believed I was such a caring, compassionate person. How shocked I was to realize I had become a very selfish and controlling person. My attempts to fix and save really filled a need in me. It gave me meaning, self worth and almost a high. Oh, how I enjoyed the playing the victim. ugh!!
I hear you, amen, sister!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
My husband & I ended our marriage and 20 year relationship over drug abuse & him cheating on me.
I spent 4 years on my own healing.
My 2nd long term relationship of 21/2 years has just ended due to accepting my bf was an alcoholic & I didn't wish this for me & the kids.
I could drive myself crazy blaming myself for entering another addictive relationship but how could I have known he was an alcoholic until I got into the relationship? Maybe I refused to see the signs but I do know that 2nd time round I was strong enough to end the relationship because he was not meeting my needs. Hurts like hell but I choose to make a healthier choice for me & the kids.
Third time round if there is one, I will look for all the signs & at the first sign of trouble I will end it.
I spent 4 years on my own healing.
My 2nd long term relationship of 21/2 years has just ended due to accepting my bf was an alcoholic & I didn't wish this for me & the kids.
I could drive myself crazy blaming myself for entering another addictive relationship but how could I have known he was an alcoholic until I got into the relationship? Maybe I refused to see the signs but I do know that 2nd time round I was strong enough to end the relationship because he was not meeting my needs. Hurts like hell but I choose to make a healthier choice for me & the kids.
Third time round if there is one, I will look for all the signs & at the first sign of trouble I will end it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear ShootingStar, I Think I hear what you are asking...LOL!
I don't know if you have, yet, enbarked on the vital work of uncovering the wounds of childhood---which invariable send us on the co-dependent path.
I think you are right---intellectual understanding is very important---BUT until we experience our childhood pain at an EMOtIONAL level and have them soothed--we stay disconnected from our authentic core of who we are. This will require the help of a skilled therapist--and it can be scary, at times. Thats, o.k., because this is where the true healing lies.
Once we are operating from our authentic core--where our spirit and soul resides---we look at the whole world (and ourselves) through a different filter.
At that point--we are forever changed. The "chains" have been broken and we can be who we were born to be. It is then that we can be peaceful and happy---even when the world around us is crappy.
I hope this is of some help to you, Shooting Star.
sincerely, dandylion
I don't know if you have, yet, enbarked on the vital work of uncovering the wounds of childhood---which invariable send us on the co-dependent path.
I think you are right---intellectual understanding is very important---BUT until we experience our childhood pain at an EMOtIONAL level and have them soothed--we stay disconnected from our authentic core of who we are. This will require the help of a skilled therapist--and it can be scary, at times. Thats, o.k., because this is where the true healing lies.
Once we are operating from our authentic core--where our spirit and soul resides---we look at the whole world (and ourselves) through a different filter.
At that point--we are forever changed. The "chains" have been broken and we can be who we were born to be. It is then that we can be peaceful and happy---even when the world around us is crappy.
I hope this is of some help to you, Shooting Star.
sincerely, dandylion
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Right now, I am on a man free diet...I am dedicating all my efforts on me....me...me and more me! I will get healthy, no more bad choices in men for me....I've learned my lesson...
the hard way!
the hard way!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
I have a son and daughter, both As, with son also druggie. Three marriages that I left due to addictive behaviors, and a few relationships that ended the same way. At 55, I am sick and tired of always being the one to hold things together, and clean up the mess that all of these people leave in their wake. I cannot remember a time when I was not responsible for being somebody's maid, babysitter, caregiver, etc. Why I allowed this to happen to me, I don't know. But not anymore. I don't care why it happened, I just know that from now on I will never ever be anyone's doormat again. I will take care of myself, give myself a life I enjoy, because I deserve it. It has taken me almost 3 long years to do some heavy duty soul searching, but it's worth it.
I guess what I am telling you is that, IMO, when you finally learn to love yourself and accept yourself, then you will attract the same type of people, instead of those who drain the life out of you. When you reach the point where you are content with being by yourself you just might find out that you like it that way!
I guess what I am telling you is that, IMO, when you finally learn to love yourself and accept yourself, then you will attract the same type of people, instead of those who drain the life out of you. When you reach the point where you are content with being by yourself you just might find out that you like it that way!
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