Message in a bottle.....
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Message in a bottle.....
I wrote this to AH tonight....and while it was to help him, it was also to help me. While his weapons are alcohol and drugs....pain is still pain.
They say, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
Most of my adult life, I honestly thought if I killed “it”, I would be stronger. And I tried…again and again, through pills, blades and bullets.
When the hurt becomes so bad, all you can think of is escape. You don’t think of anyone else’s pain as that is of little consequence. You are the focus. Which is kind of a farce, because if you had kept your own heart in mind, maybe the pain would not be so intense.
If you don’t hold yourself in the highest esteem….how can anyone else do the same…right?
I did things in my past, I am still not proud of, nor have spoke of since. I hurt those that loved me more than I loved myself. And when they had forgiven me, I continued to hurt to punish my stupid actions.
Then….it was all about me. My hurt, my tears, my fears. There was no magic pill, no miracle words to hold onto. In a way, it was my mantra to repeat over and over. I am not worth loving. I only screw things up. How could someone love this pathetic person (my concept of me) when I could not love myself?
I was and still am lucky….I did not succeed in my attempts. But until now I had no clue, how much this crazy journey could cause pain to so many others.
Nor did I know how it felt to see another I care so much about, go down a similar, familiar path.
The most horrible thing I could have done was to give up…to leave those that always had faith in me..those that still loved me spite of myself.
Whatever your weapon of choice is, please remember there are so many that care. Those that never lost what you might feel you did, the faith in yourself.
As the Wizard said to the Tin Man, when he was asking for a heart….”Remember, a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others. “
They say, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
Most of my adult life, I honestly thought if I killed “it”, I would be stronger. And I tried…again and again, through pills, blades and bullets.
When the hurt becomes so bad, all you can think of is escape. You don’t think of anyone else’s pain as that is of little consequence. You are the focus. Which is kind of a farce, because if you had kept your own heart in mind, maybe the pain would not be so intense.
If you don’t hold yourself in the highest esteem….how can anyone else do the same…right?
I did things in my past, I am still not proud of, nor have spoke of since. I hurt those that loved me more than I loved myself. And when they had forgiven me, I continued to hurt to punish my stupid actions.
Then….it was all about me. My hurt, my tears, my fears. There was no magic pill, no miracle words to hold onto. In a way, it was my mantra to repeat over and over. I am not worth loving. I only screw things up. How could someone love this pathetic person (my concept of me) when I could not love myself?
I was and still am lucky….I did not succeed in my attempts. But until now I had no clue, how much this crazy journey could cause pain to so many others.
Nor did I know how it felt to see another I care so much about, go down a similar, familiar path.
The most horrible thing I could have done was to give up…to leave those that always had faith in me..those that still loved me spite of myself.
Whatever your weapon of choice is, please remember there are so many that care. Those that never lost what you might feel you did, the faith in yourself.
As the Wizard said to the Tin Man, when he was asking for a heart….”Remember, a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others. “
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