Relapsed husband
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Relapsed husband
My husband has started drinking again after 18 years sober. He was sober about a year when we met. He stopped going to AA years ago because he 'wasn't feeling the desire to drink.' I didn't know any better at the time and took him at his word. I really think that this has been a long, slow slide to relapse, with a long dry-drunk period complete with verbal abuse and a girl on the side for a while, and I wish I had understood what was going on sooner. Yeah, I know I probably couldn't have changed it, but still...
He's not all that terrible to live with, doesn't get falling-down vomiting drunk, or particularly nasty. Sometimes he's quite fun and charming. More often, he gets moody and hyper-sensitive. Some of his behavior is pretty selfish when he's drinking, but not all the time. He does hide bottles, conceal the quantity he's drinking, and drink every single day. It doesn't seem to be interfering with his work. I guess you'd call him a functioning alcoholic. He thinks it's no problem. (surprised??) It's near impossible for me to understand because I'm one of those who can take it or leave it, have a glass of wine with dinner then not drink for 6 months or 6 years and not really miss it.
It's just not what I signed up for, and I'm really struggling with it. There are days I'm basically okay with it, and times I just go in the bathroom and cry. He's aware that I am having a hard time with it. I know it's not that he doesn't care but it sure feels like it. I have a great counselor and am trying to take care of myself. I've been reading the forums on and off for a while now and finally decided to join in. I can't tell you how comforting, although sad, it is to know how many people there are who 'get' this.
He's not all that terrible to live with, doesn't get falling-down vomiting drunk, or particularly nasty. Sometimes he's quite fun and charming. More often, he gets moody and hyper-sensitive. Some of his behavior is pretty selfish when he's drinking, but not all the time. He does hide bottles, conceal the quantity he's drinking, and drink every single day. It doesn't seem to be interfering with his work. I guess you'd call him a functioning alcoholic. He thinks it's no problem. (surprised??) It's near impossible for me to understand because I'm one of those who can take it or leave it, have a glass of wine with dinner then not drink for 6 months or 6 years and not really miss it.
It's just not what I signed up for, and I'm really struggling with it. There are days I'm basically okay with it, and times I just go in the bathroom and cry. He's aware that I am having a hard time with it. I know it's not that he doesn't care but it sure feels like it. I have a great counselor and am trying to take care of myself. I've been reading the forums on and off for a while now and finally decided to join in. I can't tell you how comforting, although sad, it is to know how many people there are who 'get' this.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
As the mother of a 22 RAS, posts like these scare me so much.
I'm sure others will be able to give you some good advice- I'm still learning the ropes myself.
Do you want to live with an active alcoholic? After doing so with my son, I never will again.
I'm sure others will be able to give you some good advice- I'm still learning the ropes myself.
Do you want to live with an active alcoholic? After doing so with my son, I never will again.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Sueski 
My husband has started drinking again after 18 years sober. He was sober about a year when we met. He stopped going to AA years ago because he 'wasn't feeling the desire to drink.' I didn't know any better at the time and took him at his word. I really think that this has been a long, slow slide to relapse, with a long dry-drunk period complete with verbal abuse and a girl on the side for a while, and I wish I had understood what was going on sooner. Yeah, I know I probably couldn't have changed it, but still...
He's not all that terrible to live with, doesn't get falling-down vomiting drunk, or particularly nasty. Sometimes he's quite fun and charming. More often, he gets moody and hyper-sensitive. Some of his behavior is pretty selfish when he's drinking, but not all the time. He does hide bottles, conceal the quantity he's drinking, and drink every single day. It doesn't seem to be interfering with his work. I guess you'd call him a functioning alcoholic. He thinks it's no problem. (surprised??) It's near impossible for me to understand because I'm one of those who can take it or leave it, have a glass of wine with dinner then not drink for 6 months or 6 years and not really miss it.
It's just not what I signed up for, and I'm really struggling with it. There are days I'm basically okay with it, and times I just go in the bathroom and cry. He's aware that I am having a hard time with it. I know it's not that he doesn't care but it sure feels like it. I have a great counselor and am trying to take care of myself. I've been reading the forums on and off for a while now and finally decided to join in. I can't tell you how comforting, although sad, it is to know how many people there are who 'get' this.
He's not all that terrible to live with, doesn't get falling-down vomiting drunk, or particularly nasty. Sometimes he's quite fun and charming. More often, he gets moody and hyper-sensitive. Some of his behavior is pretty selfish when he's drinking, but not all the time. He does hide bottles, conceal the quantity he's drinking, and drink every single day. It doesn't seem to be interfering with his work. I guess you'd call him a functioning alcoholic. He thinks it's no problem. (surprised??) It's near impossible for me to understand because I'm one of those who can take it or leave it, have a glass of wine with dinner then not drink for 6 months or 6 years and not really miss it.
It's just not what I signed up for, and I'm really struggling with it. There are days I'm basically okay with it, and times I just go in the bathroom and cry. He's aware that I am having a hard time with it. I know it's not that he doesn't care but it sure feels like it. I have a great counselor and am trying to take care of myself. I've been reading the forums on and off for a while now and finally decided to join in. I can't tell you how comforting, although sad, it is to know how many people there are who 'get' this.
I just joined this Site yesterday,looking for answers,life is lonely.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I don't want to live with an active alcoholic, really, but he's a good man underneath all this garbage, and I love him and know he loves me. It's a bitter catch-22.
I did go the shrieking banshee route one night and yell at him that I don't want to be married to a drunk. That didn't really do anything positive, although we were able to calm down and talk somewhat rationally about the thing that had upset me.
I've thought about just asking him if he'd go to a meeting. He's already told me that he has no interest in counseling. I try not to gauge the level of booze in the bottles or count how many beers, but it's tough, in part because if I have an idea if he's tipsy or more than tipsy, I know how much I want to interact or try to avoid him in the evening.
I never understood the fear of someone who has lived with an active alcoholic, but now I do. I'm so sorry you have to live with that fear. It stinks. HopefulMom, how long has your son been sober? GetThere, you're not alone. I just am so frustrated and sad.
I did go the shrieking banshee route one night and yell at him that I don't want to be married to a drunk. That didn't really do anything positive, although we were able to calm down and talk somewhat rationally about the thing that had upset me.
I've thought about just asking him if he'd go to a meeting. He's already told me that he has no interest in counseling. I try not to gauge the level of booze in the bottles or count how many beers, but it's tough, in part because if I have an idea if he's tipsy or more than tipsy, I know how much I want to interact or try to avoid him in the evening.
I never understood the fear of someone who has lived with an active alcoholic, but now I do. I'm so sorry you have to live with that fear. It stinks. HopefulMom, how long has your son been sober? GetThere, you're not alone. I just am so frustrated and sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Sueski-
He's been sober since April except for a one drink slip ~six weeks ago. It scares me to think he could get his life together and then relapse years down the road. But, I know I can't worry about it. I just pray he'll stay sober and get his life on track again.
You'll find a lot of great information on here that will help you. I was pretty good about not enabling, but reading here has really helped me know and understand my boundaries and remind myself that I can not control my RAS and his drinking- the only person I can control is myself.
The three biggies to say over and over to yourself: you did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it.
He's been sober since April except for a one drink slip ~six weeks ago. It scares me to think he could get his life together and then relapse years down the road. But, I know I can't worry about it. I just pray he'll stay sober and get his life on track again.
You'll find a lot of great information on here that will help you. I was pretty good about not enabling, but reading here has really helped me know and understand my boundaries and remind myself that I can not control my RAS and his drinking- the only person I can control is myself.
The three biggies to say over and over to yourself: you did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Thank you, HopefulMom. I really struggle with the boundary thing. Big history of codependents in my family has trained me well. 
When he gets super-sensitive and offended by things , it's very hard not to buy into it. It's also pretty frustrating that the things that offend or upset me, he often just tells me I'm wrong so it feels very unfair.
When he gets super-sensitive and offended by things , it's very hard not to buy into it. It's also pretty frustrating that the things that offend or upset me, he often just tells me I'm wrong so it feels very unfair.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Welcome to the boards. My AH was sober(well, dry anyway) for 15 years. He picked up the bottle 2 years ago and our marriage is on life support at this point because of it. He even got a DUI in February, but that didn't stop him from continuing to drink or from getting help. I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Keep coming back, maybe try a few Al Anon meetings for yourself, and just remind yourself that you are only responsible for YOU. It sounds like you're doing a great job and I know it's hard, but the more you take care of you, the more he may realize he wants his old sober days back. And, if he doesn't, that's OK too, because you are getting better for you and you are taking care of yourself.
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Location: New England
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I never understood the distinction between sober and dry, either! I didn't think it mattered that he stopped going to meetings. Wisdom doesn't come without a cost, does it?
In some respects, the marriage is better than it has been in years because the girlfriend issue blew it wide open and we were forced to deal with it. I've come to realize that he has always had addictions (she was one of them) that substituted for alcohol. Ironically, I think that mess is one of the reasons he relapsed.
He's different in how he behaves toward me when he's drinking yet he doesn't see it. I can understand how this could put a marriage onto life support. I'm not sure it won't, but I'd hate it to go that way. It was nice when he had some optimism.
In some respects, the marriage is better than it has been in years because the girlfriend issue blew it wide open and we were forced to deal with it. I've come to realize that he has always had addictions (she was one of them) that substituted for alcohol. Ironically, I think that mess is one of the reasons he relapsed.
He's different in how he behaves toward me when he's drinking yet he doesn't see it. I can understand how this could put a marriage onto life support. I'm not sure it won't, but I'd hate it to go that way. It was nice when he had some optimism.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation. I'm sober 21 years and certainly know of people with a lot of time who go out. Those that come back always attribute it to cutting back on meetings. This is really about you, however. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect your husband's drinking. I hope you go to Alanon, a wonderful program for people involved with alcoholics. It's important to learn that we have the right to live the life we want. It's about learning boundaries. Good luck!
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