Marijuana abuse, where to start?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Marijuana abuse, where to start?
Hello all:
I've used this form years ago and found it very helpful. Now, a new concern has entered my life. My daughter, who at age 30 has finally straightened out her life and is embarking on a career with excitement, success and focus in her life, has entered into a relationship with a nice young man, whom she loves very much. We have been happy for her with this relationship, but there are troubling red flags with the relationship, and with the young man. I'll refer to him as "Dave" although that is not his actual name.
First, I'll quickly describe Dave:
He has graduated college and has a professional degree, regards himself as an "entrepreneur" and works from home, trying to build a business and a client base. He is a hard worker (according to our daughter) but seems to be getting nowhere with his efforts to build the business where he is able to bring in any income. Meanwhile, he has put in long hours working for his father's law firm, but the father,who owes him thousands of dollars for work done, continues to evade paying him. As a result, he is practically destitute, and increasingly relies on our daughter for his day to day living expenses (they live together). For the past few months, our daughter and he have talked about him getting an office outside the home, perhaps partnering with a friend and starting his own law practice. Yet, nothing has materialized, and our daughter seems to be picking up more and more of the couple's expenses. His car is broken down, and he has relied on her for transportation (or uses her car as needed).
This young man is personally very likable and we are fond of him. He does not have a a particularly appropriate relationship with his mother and his adoptive father (who are divorced) but has a good relationship with his biological father. He has a brother and a sister, and has good relationships with them. It is my impression from what I've been told by my daughter and her boyfriend that his adoptive father is likely a narcissist, who has manipulated and used him for his own needs and purposes, and with whom the young man is still entangled. His mother is a lovely but immature and needy woman who is simply unable to act as a parent to her children. The youngest of her children (the daughter) has been in drug rehab, and seems to be on the road to recovery.
Now for the red flags: "Dave" dresses like a tramp, and has poor hygiene. He has to be nagged to take a shower, and is often dirty. He smokes marijuana ALL DAY LONG, and when 5:00 comes, he begins drinking beer. He also smokes cigarettes (as does our daughter). I've learned, to my distress, that both his parents (mother and biological dad) are stoners as well. I assume that the parents have "medical marijuana" needs.
Aside from the substance use/abuse by Dave's immediate family (sister, mother and father at a minimum) there have been a number of incidents that suggest to us that Dave is not using common sense. He is very irresponsible and inattentive. He has racked up many parking tickets with his car, and does not take proper cautions when he uses our daughter's car (by her own observation).
The last straw was two weeks ago. Our daughter and Dave came down to our house (at our invitation) while we were out of the county. They did laundry while here, using our washer/dryer, and mid-way through, to their distress, the washer suddenly quite working. She let us know about this as soon as we returned, and when we had a repairman out to look over the malfunctioning machine, and he diagnosed the problem, I called her, and she told me that Dave over-loaded the washer. She was aghast that he'd done so, and offered to pay me half of the $300 repair bill. I said this was not her responsibility, it was Dave's, if he wanted to take responsibility. She replied, he has no money.
Our daughter is not unaware of Dave's problems. She is very much concerned about his behavior, his lack of employment, his drinking and his smoking. She worries about his health (he has a hacking cough, is very skinny and unhealthy looking) and his smoking. She came close to breaking up with him over the summer, but hopes he can and will "do better".
Both my husband and myself are increasingly dismayed with our daughter's boyfriend and how things seem to be headed with him. Following the incident with the washer, which was really a testament to Dave's lack of awareness and responsibility, it occurred to me, as it should have occurred long ago, that DAVE IS A SUBSTANCE ABUSER.
I actually feel like a fool for not seeing this sooner. I realize that our daughter is an adult and that we need to recognize her right to make her own decisions, but I fear that she is in somewhat of a state of denial about her boyfriend. Not that she is trying to hide his imperfections; she is very up-front about his carelessness, his irresponsibility, but despite her obvious exasperation with him, she continues to support him and seems to be downplaying the seriousness of his problems and the implications for their future together.
I can see my younger self in her situation; wanting desperately for things to "work out" such that I'd downplay the significance of my boyfriend's problems, in my own mind.
Should we hope she finally wakes up? Or let her know of our concerns? Any of you out there with similar experiences that might have some thoughts or suggestions for us?
:rotfxko
I've used this form years ago and found it very helpful. Now, a new concern has entered my life. My daughter, who at age 30 has finally straightened out her life and is embarking on a career with excitement, success and focus in her life, has entered into a relationship with a nice young man, whom she loves very much. We have been happy for her with this relationship, but there are troubling red flags with the relationship, and with the young man. I'll refer to him as "Dave" although that is not his actual name.
First, I'll quickly describe Dave:
He has graduated college and has a professional degree, regards himself as an "entrepreneur" and works from home, trying to build a business and a client base. He is a hard worker (according to our daughter) but seems to be getting nowhere with his efforts to build the business where he is able to bring in any income. Meanwhile, he has put in long hours working for his father's law firm, but the father,who owes him thousands of dollars for work done, continues to evade paying him. As a result, he is practically destitute, and increasingly relies on our daughter for his day to day living expenses (they live together). For the past few months, our daughter and he have talked about him getting an office outside the home, perhaps partnering with a friend and starting his own law practice. Yet, nothing has materialized, and our daughter seems to be picking up more and more of the couple's expenses. His car is broken down, and he has relied on her for transportation (or uses her car as needed).
This young man is personally very likable and we are fond of him. He does not have a a particularly appropriate relationship with his mother and his adoptive father (who are divorced) but has a good relationship with his biological father. He has a brother and a sister, and has good relationships with them. It is my impression from what I've been told by my daughter and her boyfriend that his adoptive father is likely a narcissist, who has manipulated and used him for his own needs and purposes, and with whom the young man is still entangled. His mother is a lovely but immature and needy woman who is simply unable to act as a parent to her children. The youngest of her children (the daughter) has been in drug rehab, and seems to be on the road to recovery.
Now for the red flags: "Dave" dresses like a tramp, and has poor hygiene. He has to be nagged to take a shower, and is often dirty. He smokes marijuana ALL DAY LONG, and when 5:00 comes, he begins drinking beer. He also smokes cigarettes (as does our daughter). I've learned, to my distress, that both his parents (mother and biological dad) are stoners as well. I assume that the parents have "medical marijuana" needs.
Aside from the substance use/abuse by Dave's immediate family (sister, mother and father at a minimum) there have been a number of incidents that suggest to us that Dave is not using common sense. He is very irresponsible and inattentive. He has racked up many parking tickets with his car, and does not take proper cautions when he uses our daughter's car (by her own observation).
The last straw was two weeks ago. Our daughter and Dave came down to our house (at our invitation) while we were out of the county. They did laundry while here, using our washer/dryer, and mid-way through, to their distress, the washer suddenly quite working. She let us know about this as soon as we returned, and when we had a repairman out to look over the malfunctioning machine, and he diagnosed the problem, I called her, and she told me that Dave over-loaded the washer. She was aghast that he'd done so, and offered to pay me half of the $300 repair bill. I said this was not her responsibility, it was Dave's, if he wanted to take responsibility. She replied, he has no money.
Our daughter is not unaware of Dave's problems. She is very much concerned about his behavior, his lack of employment, his drinking and his smoking. She worries about his health (he has a hacking cough, is very skinny and unhealthy looking) and his smoking. She came close to breaking up with him over the summer, but hopes he can and will "do better".
Both my husband and myself are increasingly dismayed with our daughter's boyfriend and how things seem to be headed with him. Following the incident with the washer, which was really a testament to Dave's lack of awareness and responsibility, it occurred to me, as it should have occurred long ago, that DAVE IS A SUBSTANCE ABUSER.
I actually feel like a fool for not seeing this sooner. I realize that our daughter is an adult and that we need to recognize her right to make her own decisions, but I fear that she is in somewhat of a state of denial about her boyfriend. Not that she is trying to hide his imperfections; she is very up-front about his carelessness, his irresponsibility, but despite her obvious exasperation with him, she continues to support him and seems to be downplaying the seriousness of his problems and the implications for their future together.
I can see my younger self in her situation; wanting desperately for things to "work out" such that I'd downplay the significance of my boyfriend's problems, in my own mind.
Should we hope she finally wakes up? Or let her know of our concerns? Any of you out there with similar experiences that might have some thoughts or suggestions for us?
:rotfxko
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
As a mother, I would have her read some of this forum. He is not a man. He isa child using drugs whom is very charming. Smoking pot all day is what my xah did since he was 21. He left me and our 2 year old son to starve. I was a stay at home mom and he abandoned us. Completely. It has been nothing but a painful mess. He has hurt my son. He has hurt me. And he has destroyed our family. When someone is "in love" with someone it is hard to get thru. Without being over bearing, I would educate her and let her make the choice. Have her read my threads. She needs a man who works. Who doesn't smoke weed all day, and doesn't allow her to do everything. This makes me furious. I have no tolerance for addicts. He is using her. I'm sure he loves her, but she is making it easy for him. She should call his father and get the REAL story. He sounds immature and spoiled.
Good luck and wish her the best. I would say GOODBYE dude!
Good luck and wish her the best. I would say GOODBYE dude!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
I thought so....
Thanks for reading through my lengthy post the first time, and then cutting to the chase with your reply. Yes, I'm afraid he is using our daughter. Maybe she is "using" him, to the extent she has this rescue mentality and wants to help the world, not just him.
She does respect our opinions and observations. Maybe what we need to stress is, why she is doing this? What does she hope to accomplish by sticking with this guy and shoring him up?
I suspect it is because she feels sorry for him. That is a POWERFUL incentive that keeps some people acting as enablers.
Maybe it was your fortune, after all, that you were abandoned. It had to have hurt, but consider that you don't have any feelings of guilt over the break-up; just anger and of course, well understandable feelings of betrayal.
She does respect our opinions and observations. Maybe what we need to stress is, why she is doing this? What does she hope to accomplish by sticking with this guy and shoring him up?
I suspect it is because she feels sorry for him. That is a POWERFUL incentive that keeps some people acting as enablers.
Maybe it was your fortune, after all, that you were abandoned. It had to have hurt, but consider that you don't have any feelings of guilt over the break-up; just anger and of course, well understandable feelings of betrayal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
If you have a great relationship with your daughter, that makes it even better. She sounds like a kind soul. But, this man child is no good. Talk to her about what a responsible man is. What is takes to care for a baby. Does she want pot around the baby? My xah couldn't even go to the park in the morning without getting high. AND it took an hour. In the garage. It was ridiculous. There was one time my son wanted his daddy so bad and followed him to the garage, and my x was mad bc he wanted to get high. My x lost his job bc he couldn't pass a drug test, and moved on to cocaine. He didn't just abandon...he cheated. It is a mess. Discuss with her the seriousness of this. She doesn't and shouldn't pay his way. It should be a mutal partnership. If only...IF ONLY...I had a supportive mother to teach me what a responsible man is.
Angry? Of course. But healing. At this moment in time I might have to pull my 4 yr old out from private school. My parents are sick of watching him, and he is yet again late on state mandated child support. In august he re-appeared into our lives after being MIA for 2.5 months. He is the most irresponsible addict. I can't count on him for anything. Is this the life your daughter wants.
Lead her to the water and see what happens. You can't control her, And she can't control him. But at least open up the disscussion.
Angry? Of course. But healing. At this moment in time I might have to pull my 4 yr old out from private school. My parents are sick of watching him, and he is yet again late on state mandated child support. In august he re-appeared into our lives after being MIA for 2.5 months. He is the most irresponsible addict. I can't count on him for anything. Is this the life your daughter wants.
Lead her to the water and see what happens. You can't control her, And she can't control him. But at least open up the disscussion.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Maybe she is "using" him, to the extent she has this rescue mentality and wants to help the world, not just him.
Maybe what we need to stress is, why she is doing this?
I would probably voice my concerns to my daughter and leave at at that with the exception of "maybe" seeing if she would read here especially the sticky about codependency should she feel she is codependent then I would suggest the book Codependent No More - By Melody Beattie.
How is he getting the money to smoke that much pot also if he is skinny etc.. I would wonder if other drugs are involved.
Maybe what we need to stress is, why she is doing this?
I would probably voice my concerns to my daughter and leave at at that with the exception of "maybe" seeing if she would read here especially the sticky about codependency should she feel she is codependent then I would suggest the book Codependent No More - By Melody Beattie.
How is he getting the money to smoke that much pot also if he is skinny etc.. I would wonder if other drugs are involved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Yes, she might be using him...
I do believe that, knowing my daughter as she is, she initially fell in love with this young man (if I should use the term man as opposed to boy) and had the usually starry-eyed regard for him that is typical of the early stages of a romance. Over time, she has stuck doggedly by him as she has developed feelings of sympathy (and I dare say, pity) for him and by now is too kind-hearted to give him the boot. She has remarked to us on several occasions as to how poor his family life (in terms of parenting) has been, coming from a home marked by a bitter divorce and warring parents. It would seem logical, then, she feels he has been cheated, and manipulated, by either his adoptive father and/or mother and that she can help him make a better life.
Unfortunately, her feelings for him are getting in the way of the truth of the matter. People who are engaged in self-destructive, self-indulgent behaviors do not make changes because others feel pity, or compassion for them. They must be pressed to make those changes by experiencing the unpleasant consequences of what they are doing.
I appreciate your response, and all responses I've gotten to my posting, because reading your responses gives me greater perspective on the essence of our daughter's (and her boyfriend's) situation.
In a way, it is somewhat amusing in retrospect that I've increasingly viewed "Dave" as simply immature and needing to grow up. Of course, now I know that his problems are far greater than simple "immaturity".
My husband and I will sit down with our daughter at an opportune time, and let her know of our deep concern about what Dave is doing to HIS life, and what she is doing to HER life. Certainly we will discuss the dynamic of co-dependency and enabling. We have seen a slow-developing pattern with these two where our daughter is assuming a parental role with her boyfriend. Some women actually like to be running the show; it makes them feel superior to their mate and gives them the upper hand in the relationship. I HOPE she is not one of those women. My husband and I have been happily married to 31 years, and we are an EQUAL partnership, and have mutual respect for the strengths we each bring to our marriage. My consolation in all this is that our daughter admires our marriage, and considers herself very fortunate to have been raised in a stable home, with parents who do have a strong marriage. She knows she has benefitted immensely from this, and I expect she wants the same for the children she hopes to have, and to raise.
Unfortunately, her feelings for him are getting in the way of the truth of the matter. People who are engaged in self-destructive, self-indulgent behaviors do not make changes because others feel pity, or compassion for them. They must be pressed to make those changes by experiencing the unpleasant consequences of what they are doing.
I appreciate your response, and all responses I've gotten to my posting, because reading your responses gives me greater perspective on the essence of our daughter's (and her boyfriend's) situation.
In a way, it is somewhat amusing in retrospect that I've increasingly viewed "Dave" as simply immature and needing to grow up. Of course, now I know that his problems are far greater than simple "immaturity".
My husband and I will sit down with our daughter at an opportune time, and let her know of our deep concern about what Dave is doing to HIS life, and what she is doing to HER life. Certainly we will discuss the dynamic of co-dependency and enabling. We have seen a slow-developing pattern with these two where our daughter is assuming a parental role with her boyfriend. Some women actually like to be running the show; it makes them feel superior to their mate and gives them the upper hand in the relationship. I HOPE she is not one of those women. My husband and I have been happily married to 31 years, and we are an EQUAL partnership, and have mutual respect for the strengths we each bring to our marriage. My consolation in all this is that our daughter admires our marriage, and considers herself very fortunate to have been raised in a stable home, with parents who do have a strong marriage. She knows she has benefitted immensely from this, and I expect she wants the same for the children she hopes to have, and to raise.
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