Jur123

My youngest sister has a mild form of Aspergers sindrome - she sometimes says things that are innapropriate to say like points out to an overweight person that he/she is overweight and similar. I'm not even sure if this is Aspergers although she was diagnosed by a psichoterapist. It used to be much much worse until 6 years ago when I took her from my deeply AM house to live with me and spent a fortune of psichologists etc. I sometimes have doubts if what she has is Aspergers or her behaviuor is a result of upbringing in a very disfunctional family. Anyway, in the last couple of years she lived 10 min away from me and would spend every second weekend with me. I moved to a different city a few weeks ago and now she spends half of her weekends with the other sister who has addiction issues with prescribtion drugs and alcohol, is untreated acoa and in general not a nice person, but on the other hand she is much better then our AM used be. I feel so scared that she may go back to behaving wiredly. Thinking of that day and night in the last few days. I know such kind of codependancy is an ACOA trait, but it's hard to escape this feeling. I guess it would be interested to hear from people who have siblings or other close relatives with health issues and how they react to that

Kialua

Yes went through that with my sister, who was older than me, but finally diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. It's definitely our job to fix them right? They will die without us right? Work, worry, try, demand, cry, give up, then try again. I know I did it all for many years. It's so hard to let go. Read my blog if you like, I have one titled Commitment about my sister and Dad. Not that I am telling you to commit her, just my story. I know how hard it is and how much you worry. But in the end you can only do what you can do. You have to keep yourself sane or you can help no one. Work on yourself first. Set yourself free from the spiral of being the "one" that has to help. Find the balance of healthy help. I know it's hard.

NWGRITS

I agree with Kialua.

As far as the Asperger's diagnosis. Her behavior definitely sounds like Asperger's, but none of us could tell you for sure. I know that their stress responses can magnify certain behaviors. Who knows, really.

dbh

I have been in a similar situation.

I got to a point where I knew I wasn't going to be able to "save" my alcoholic father but it took me longer to realized that I also couldn't save/fix my siblings.

I'm the oldest and both my siblings struggle with different aspects of their lives. I always thought it was my job to help them as much as I could. My family of origin was/is dysfunctional and we were extremely co-dependent with each other. We were brought up to think that you were suppose to worry excessively about each other. We were brought up to think that love meant control.

My brother is struggling with a mental illness. At first I thought his behavior was simply due to living in a dysfunctional home, but as he got older it became clear that it was something more serious. He did end up seeing a psychiatrist but never shared his diagnosis with me. He has trouble looking for work, he isolates himself, is paranoid, and depressed. The members of my extended family kept trying to help him for years, but at some point I started to realize that we were probably part of the problem. He ended up breaking off contact with our entire extended family. I still like to think that this is a good sign. Maybe it means that he too is trying to heal.

The way that I got myself out of co-dependent thinking was to realize that it isn't my job to tell him how he should lead his life. While it's sad that he has this additional burden, it is up to him to determine how he wants to handle it. I still do love him and I wish that we could have a healthy relationship. However, he is an adult and I have to give him the dignity to solve his own problems. This truly hit home for me during the course of my own recovery when I realized how hurtful all my mother's "helpful" comments felt when she would tell me all the things I should change in my life.

I have found serenity by detaching with love. I can still pray for my extended family members and hope that they too find a way to live a happier life. The truth is though I don't know what they need to be happier, it's something that everyone needs to figure out for themselves with the help of their higher power (which isn't me :-)

Best wishes as you continue on your own recovery path.

Fondly,

db