JustSmurfy

Hi All.

I am glad that I found this site. I am a 32 year old ACOA. My father is an alcoholic and my mother is an enabler remarried to an alcoholic. My father has also remarried, to an enabler. I have a sibling who has cut off contact with our father entirely, for years.

When I was living at home, I experienced typical problems living with a substance abuser - loving one moment and cruel the next, unreliable, and with frequent cracks on my weight. (I was quite small at the time but didn't know it.)
I have always been an animal lover, as a teen I was given 24 hours to find a new home for my cat or he would "throw it out the window on the freeway." He enjoyed playing practical jokes on us, calling us out in an angry voice to see us quake, then saying he just wanted a hug. Plenty of bad stuff in there....

For reasons I can't explain, I remained emotionally attached, despite the abuse.

I'm at a turning point. I spent 10+ years feeling anxious and guilty and fearful, and I got some therapy. I was doing well, with very little contact with my father. He remarried a few years ago, and his new wife has been pressuring "all of us" to spend time together. I cautiously agreed to see him, and for a while it went well. But then it wasn't. He's still a drunk. He still gets mean. I still spend 3 weeks after seeing him feeling triggered and anxious. His new wife is telling me he's started verbally abusing her too.

So I've decided to cut off all contact (except for cards and letters) until he is in a recovery program. I've written him a letter explaining this in loving terms. And with this decision, I am feeling both strong and weak. Strong that I'm separating myself from the insanity for good. Horribly sad at the realization that I may never see my Dad again in this life. It's like he is dying, even though he still exists in this world.

Now that I am getting "out" it feels like I am grieving fully for the first time. Not just grieving him, but also everything that this disease has cost me. My sense of security, my ability to trust, my willingness to become a parent myself, workaholism, stress-eating, and so on.

So it is a sad time. Thanks for listening.

JS

dollydo

I sure do understand, I am currently no contact with my mother, this is the third time. Once for
10 years another for 4. My mother is an alcoholic, been drinking for over 65 years, nasty, manipulative and so very abusive. Gave her chance after chance, nothing changed.

We are here for you.