What do I tell people?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
What do I tell people?
Hi
This is my first thread/post - I have a question and need some advice.
I decided about six weeks ago I could no longer drink in moderation, although I have known deep down much longer...the first glass of wine would reguarly turn into a bottle, more, at least, black outs were usual and the only way I could resist was to put control measures on myself, insist on driving, not have alcohol in the house. It didn't always work, funny how alcohol can find a way. Anyway, since then I have succumbed a few times, convinced myself I don't really have a problem, can have 'just one' but once I do the cravings are almost painful, I always want more. The only way I can describe it is how I imagine a vampire would feel.
Anyway I popped to dinner with some friends two weeks ago and four hours later was (apparently) screaming down the phone to my boyfriend to pick me up and take me home - I'd sunk three bottle of wine and woke up unable to remember, lift my head off the pillow and in serious danger of destroying my relationship. Not graceful. God knows what my friends think - I've avoided them since then.
Anyway - its clear moderation doesn't work for me. I need to stop, I need to enjoy life again without the fear of not drinking/self destruction if I do.
So thank you for reading. My question is pretty silly but its causes me no end of worry:
What the hell do i tell people? As my friend put it tonight "c'mon you know you want a glass, you drink like a fish usually. OMG are you pregnant?". Or as my boss said "what's wrong with you, come and have a drink with the partners, it would be rude not to".
I feel like a recluse, I just avoid people. I can't say I have a problem to these people, and they just ridicule me and pour a glass for me if I say I don't want one and I can't tell my colleagues, I work in a high pressure competitive environment where its work hard play hard, you have to be part of things. I never imagined as a mid thirties professional I would be under such peer pressure! I feel like a bore or odd one out saying no, even when I don't really want the first one. And its only the first one I need.
Any tips for handling this? Oddly I think it could well be the crux of my problem. My parents were both alcoholics and growing up I was the boring sensible one, I was only really accepted by them when I started drinking and being 'fun' I think, so i am sure its some sort of underlying insecurity.
This is my first thread/post - I have a question and need some advice.
I decided about six weeks ago I could no longer drink in moderation, although I have known deep down much longer...the first glass of wine would reguarly turn into a bottle, more, at least, black outs were usual and the only way I could resist was to put control measures on myself, insist on driving, not have alcohol in the house. It didn't always work, funny how alcohol can find a way. Anyway, since then I have succumbed a few times, convinced myself I don't really have a problem, can have 'just one' but once I do the cravings are almost painful, I always want more. The only way I can describe it is how I imagine a vampire would feel.
Anyway I popped to dinner with some friends two weeks ago and four hours later was (apparently) screaming down the phone to my boyfriend to pick me up and take me home - I'd sunk three bottle of wine and woke up unable to remember, lift my head off the pillow and in serious danger of destroying my relationship. Not graceful. God knows what my friends think - I've avoided them since then.
Anyway - its clear moderation doesn't work for me. I need to stop, I need to enjoy life again without the fear of not drinking/self destruction if I do.
So thank you for reading. My question is pretty silly but its causes me no end of worry:
What the hell do i tell people? As my friend put it tonight "c'mon you know you want a glass, you drink like a fish usually. OMG are you pregnant?". Or as my boss said "what's wrong with you, come and have a drink with the partners, it would be rude not to".
I feel like a recluse, I just avoid people. I can't say I have a problem to these people, and they just ridicule me and pour a glass for me if I say I don't want one and I can't tell my colleagues, I work in a high pressure competitive environment where its work hard play hard, you have to be part of things. I never imagined as a mid thirties professional I would be under such peer pressure! I feel like a bore or odd one out saying no, even when I don't really want the first one. And its only the first one I need.
Any tips for handling this? Oddly I think it could well be the crux of my problem. My parents were both alcoholics and growing up I was the boring sensible one, I was only really accepted by them when I started drinking and being 'fun' I think, so i am sure its some sort of underlying insecurity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Anything that make YOU confortable. That your off switch is broken, or that you formed an allergic reaction when you drink, that you just don't feel like it.
Anything because you don't need to justify what makes you confortable behing sober. Not sure if this makes sense...
Anything because you don't need to justify what makes you confortable behing sober. Not sure if this makes sense...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
I can understand if there is a "work hard play hard" atmosphere at your job and you don't want to not fit in for fear of losing your job, but I find it odd that people worry about what their friends will think. Anyone I consider my friend I would just tell the truth to and be done with it. That "come on, just one won't hurt you," is teenage stuff and I don't hang out with people like that.
I had a friend who was an alcoholic, as was his Dad who--although American--had lived in Europe for many years. His Dad was pretty distant, but when he did come to visit, his way of connecting with his son was to drink together. He goaded him by saying, "Americans don't know how to drink." My friend proceeded to drink him under the table. Afterwards, he said, "it's almost like competing to see who's the bigger alcoholic, which is kind of sick actually."
I'm not saying that people who have a drink or two in a work atmosphere that smiles upon such things are alcoholics. There was a party at my job and someone offered an employee a drink. He said, "I don't drink," and that was that. Nobody felt awkward about it and nobody asked him to explain himself.
There was a poster at an AA meeting with suggestions of responses you might use if people ask you why you don't drink. The responses included:
I'm allergic
Doctors orders, etc.
Someone had scribbled in at the bottom: f**k you!
I had a friend who was an alcoholic, as was his Dad who--although American--had lived in Europe for many years. His Dad was pretty distant, but when he did come to visit, his way of connecting with his son was to drink together. He goaded him by saying, "Americans don't know how to drink." My friend proceeded to drink him under the table. Afterwards, he said, "it's almost like competing to see who's the bigger alcoholic, which is kind of sick actually."
I'm not saying that people who have a drink or two in a work atmosphere that smiles upon such things are alcoholics. There was a party at my job and someone offered an employee a drink. He said, "I don't drink," and that was that. Nobody felt awkward about it and nobody asked him to explain himself.
There was a poster at an AA meeting with suggestions of responses you might use if people ask you why you don't drink. The responses included:
I'm allergic
Doctors orders, etc.
Someone had scribbled in at the bottom: f**k you!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,861
You have a decision to make. Either you want sobriety more than anything, or you want to please your "work hard, play hard" co-workers and bosses. My advice is to just be honest. Tell them you no longer want to drink and if they cannot accept that, then just walk away from the conversation. If they are the kind of people who care more about you having a glass of alcohol in your hand than they are your physical and mental well being, then perhaps you should find that out now.
TiG
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Chicago Area
Posts: 381
I hear ya on the moderation part. I don't think I can have just one drink any more without suffering through a binge-withdrawal episode. As for the work pressure, all I can say is that quitting has helped me gain my edge back by being more in tune with the people around me. I have a deeper connection with other people when I engage in conversation. I remember details more clearly, and I have more desire to produce results. It's taken a while. I'm just over 3 months dry, and it feels really good.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
Welcome to SR, need! We're glad to have you here.
I agree with Thepatman - you should be able to just say you don't feel like it. However, we know how people are - and they will push you for an explanation. By the time I quit it was well known that I had a drinking problem and everyone was thrilled I was quitting. So for me, it was fine to say I had quit and that I had decided I was too dependent on it. In a business environment, though, it's a little trickier. I'm sure someone will have been through a similar situation.
I think it's great you are here, wanting to make this big change in your life. I know you'll find plenty of hope and encouragement as you read and post.
I agree with Thepatman - you should be able to just say you don't feel like it. However, we know how people are - and they will push you for an explanation. By the time I quit it was well known that I had a drinking problem and everyone was thrilled I was quitting. So for me, it was fine to say I had quit and that I had decided I was too dependent on it. In a business environment, though, it's a little trickier. I'm sure someone will have been through a similar situation.
I think it's great you are here, wanting to make this big change in your life. I know you'll find plenty of hope and encouragement as you read and post.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,861
I agree with Mark. Because drinking is such a big deal with us, we assume it's as big a deal with others. That isn't always the case and sometimes we make mountains out of molehills. However, IF they give you a hard time, you have every right to just walk away. No one is going to keep you sober other than yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,347
Welcome to SR 
when I first quit, I had this *huge* explanation ready for why I'd stopped.
I soon realised drinking wasn't nearly as important to other people as it was to me.
Most people really didn't care.
Even if people (like drinking buddies) do care, I learned the only thing anyone needs to know is 'no thanks'.
You can add a 'I don't drink (anymore)' if you like...you can even add a reason if you feel you have to...but it's really not necessary.
No thanks is all that's required.
If you decide to add a reason, I don't recommend using the A word indiscriminately, but I don't recommend lying either...
'I gave up because I wanted to', or 'for my health', are both truthful reasons that allow for healthy boundaries and modicum of privacy
D
when I first quit, I had this *huge* explanation ready for why I'd stopped.
I soon realised drinking wasn't nearly as important to other people as it was to me.
Most people really didn't care.
Even if people (like drinking buddies) do care, I learned the only thing anyone needs to know is 'no thanks'.
You can add a 'I don't drink (anymore)' if you like...you can even add a reason if you feel you have to...but it's really not necessary.
No thanks is all that's required.
If you decide to add a reason, I don't recommend using the A word indiscriminately, but I don't recommend lying either...
'I gave up because I wanted to', or 'for my health', are both truthful reasons that allow for healthy boundaries and modicum of privacy
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orillia, Ont., Canada
Posts: 165
I also worked in a place which seemed to have a very strong "drink culture", although I suspect now that I made it seem even more so by hanging out with the drinkers. I am curious about whether you have a Human Resouces Dep't., and just how they would react to your concerns. At any rate, tell them whatever you wish, or nothing other than a polite, Let us make a deal--I will not tell you how to drink, in exchange your showing me the same curtisy--polite, but firm, maybe. Just a thought, but at any rate I do hope this gets sorted out, and that all goes well for you---Rick
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,753
Originally Posted by zeroptzero 
It's better to tell people "I gave up drinking" and leave them wondering "why did she?" than to keep drinking until everyone is wondering "why doesn't she?"
I understand your frustration and am sorry you work with/for such jerks. Just say you gave it up for your health, which is true, and if pressed just keep repeating "I gave it up for my health" until they stop asking.
Give 'em the ol' "broken record", it'll drive them nuts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Water's Edge
Posts: 239
Lot of good advice. I'd add, make your plan, stick to it and let the rest sort itself out. From what you say, the people you have been with when you drink are either aware that you drink too much or drink so much themselves they prefer you do too. So why not say, tonic and lime would be great. You will find people have only the briefest interest if any in your beverage of choice. Sometimes the concern about what others think is your own addiction trying to find a way around your resolve to quit.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: South
Posts: 226
Originally Posted by needabitofhelp
What the hell do i tell people? As my friend put it tonight "c'mon you know you want a glass, you drink like a fish usually. OMG are you pregnant?". Or as my boss said "what's wrong with you, come and have a drink with the partners, it would be rude not to". .
"OMG are you pregnant" - nope and it ain't gonna happen to me when drunk!
"....rude not to" - believe me, it will be more rude if I do drink
My personal answer to people who knew me: I drank enough for the rest of my life. Come on, you know I have no business drinking any more!
For new people, the preamble was a little different. "if you knew me you'd know I drank enough.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 61
I have been saying that 'I am on a health kick' or 'I'm not drinking' - people usually leave it be. My drinking buddies have asked when I will start drinking again and I just say 'not sure' (one day at a time).
I recently was laid off and one of the reasons I thought it might be a good thing is that the drinking culture was so incredible at my work place. We had beer in the fridge, parties all the time, a bar across the street, scotch in people's offices etc. I would think to myself 'I'm not going to drink today' and someone would come to my office with a beer and I would take it. It was too hard to say 'no'.
I was afraid when I lost my job that I would even have more time to drink so I made this commitment to myself to be sober. I have learned that I am still 'fun' sober.
I recently was laid off and one of the reasons I thought it might be a good thing is that the drinking culture was so incredible at my work place. We had beer in the fridge, parties all the time, a bar across the street, scotch in people's offices etc. I would think to myself 'I'm not going to drink today' and someone would come to my office with a beer and I would take it. It was too hard to say 'no'.
I was afraid when I lost my job that I would even have more time to drink so I made this commitment to myself to be sober. I have learned that I am still 'fun' sober.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I find the only people that comment are the ones that have issues with drinking themselves. "Normal people" don't have issues with drinking so it doesn't seem weird to them that you're not drinking. Drinking buddies may tell you that you don't have a problem too. They want company!
I think in the work environment simple answers like "I'm on a health kick" are the best. They show you in a positive light and there aren't many comebacks for it either. Or "we're meeting with the partners, I want to be sharp"....
I think in the work environment simple answers like "I'm on a health kick" are the best. They show you in a positive light and there aren't many comebacks for it either. Or "we're meeting with the partners, I want to be sharp"....
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
Before I quit, I concocted this very long list of everyone I drank with. I then came up with reasons of why I couldn't possibly not drink alcohol around them again. It just didn't seem possible to me how I could just stop drinking around my neighbor because we had sat outside on his deck for years drinking beer together. What would he think. Would my secret be out? My other friend who I had drank with for over 20 years.... What would he think?
Well, I quit and suddenly it all just seems to have worked itself out. My neighbor doesn't care. In fact, he now drinks much less and we go running together after work on Fridays. My other friend continues to drink. I ended up telling him I had a problem. He doesn't care if I drink or not. Most people don't.
To me, the thing that is making up excuses of why you can't stop drinking is your addiction. I hear it in your post. Like a vampire feels. I relate my addictive feeling to the ring from Lord of the Rings.
My excuses of why I couldn't quit kept me drinking and drinking more and more till my liver openly rebelled. Get out while you can. This addiction only grows stronger when you continue to drink.
Well, I quit and suddenly it all just seems to have worked itself out. My neighbor doesn't care. In fact, he now drinks much less and we go running together after work on Fridays. My other friend continues to drink. I ended up telling him I had a problem. He doesn't care if I drink or not. Most people don't.
To me, the thing that is making up excuses of why you can't stop drinking is your addiction. I hear it in your post. Like a vampire feels. I relate my addictive feeling to the ring from Lord of the Rings.
My excuses of why I couldn't quit kept me drinking and drinking more and more till my liver openly rebelled. Get out while you can. This addiction only grows stronger when you continue to drink.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
i think that when we decide to quit drinking the person who notices the change the most is us. so it's reasonable that we think that this huge change in our lifestyle is going to be noticed by EVERYONE around us. perhaps we are somewhat biased. if i were in a similar situation, i would probably try to downplay it as much as possible. a simple "no thanks" or just turning down drinks for something non-alcoholic in an unassuming way so as not to draw attention may be best. if you don't make a big deal about it, perhaps others won't think much of it either? the people who are most likely to notice are either the people who were concerned about your drinking in the first place or perhaps people who have their own issues with drinking. that's just my opinion on the matter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Originally Posted by zeroptzero
It's better to tell people "I gave up drinking" and leave them wondering "why did she?" than to keep drinking until everyone is wondering "why doesn't she?"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Thank you - this has really helped. I called my best friend last night and explained everything and she was so supportive. I think deep down I am afraid that without alcohol I am not sure who I am, maybe I need to explain to myself. And it's true, there may be pressure to join in and have fun, but I'm sure no one will really care. I like the 'improving my health' idea - its not a lie.
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