While the addict is away...
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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While the addict is away...
I am still trying to decide who I am and what I want...life is easy without him here...I get letters from him how he prays and hopes I can love the sober him? Well what if I don't know if I can...what if I am still real pissed about the old addict him...what if I don't believe this is going to last....and what if I don't know if I want to deal with all that comes with recovery the rest of my life? Selfish? I think so...but for once that's what I want to be...He also told me that he learned in rehab that we can't talk about the past unless HE brings it up? I mean really? Is that pretty common from rehabs? Going to take his girls and see him Sunday...A week ago I was so excited time was dragging...now I'm so apprehensive about it and time is going by too fast...That's my early morning rant...I'm frustrated...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by mrmc27 
He also told me that he learned in rehab that we can't talk about the past unless HE brings it up? I mean really? Is that pretty common from rehabs?
I completed a 30 day inpatient rehab back in 1986, and I can assure you I did not learn that.
Take what he says with a grain of salt, dear.
Are you doing anything for your own emotional support? You have much to heal from, and you also have every right to feel as you feel.
Sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes, oh yes, my axbf always said no talking about the past, he always brought it up, always, but I was not allowed.
It was so hurtful , to be constantly blamed , the facts twisted to unbelievable lies that wounded me to the core.
These are the things that I am still trying to make peace with.
Never was I validated. It was so lonely.
It was so hurtful , to be constantly blamed , the facts twisted to unbelievable lies that wounded me to the core.
These are the things that I am still trying to make peace with.
Never was I validated. It was so lonely.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Ya know. He doesn't get to make the rules for you or set boundaries for you or what's appropriate in a relationship with you. You get to do that. Only you can decide what is and isn't acceptable for you. Just like only he gets to decide what is and isn't acceptable for him.
This is the time to work on YOUR recovery from being in a relationship with a drug addict. Have you read codependent no more, talked to a therapist about your feelings or done any work on personal boundaries about the kinds of behavior you are willing to accept in a relationship?
Being in a relationship with someone who has a drug problem can make us as sick as the addict themselves. That's why addiction/alcoholism is often called a "family disease". It's up to us to seek recovery for ourselves and work the recovery we wish the addict would work. That way, no matter what choices the addict makes after rehab, we come out stronger and better in the end.
This is the time to work on YOUR recovery from being in a relationship with a drug addict. Have you read codependent no more, talked to a therapist about your feelings or done any work on personal boundaries about the kinds of behavior you are willing to accept in a relationship?
Being in a relationship with someone who has a drug problem can make us as sick as the addict themselves. That's why addiction/alcoholism is often called a "family disease". It's up to us to seek recovery for ourselves and work the recovery we wish the addict would work. That way, no matter what choices the addict makes after rehab, we come out stronger and better in the end.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by Katiekate
Yes, oh yes, my axbf always said no talking about the past, he always brought it up, always, but I was not allowed.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by mrmc27
Selfish? I think so...but for once that's what I want to be...
Absolutely nothing selfish about having boundaries. Only you can determine your own boundaries. A boundary begins with an "I" statement as opposed to "you will/ will not" or "we". The latter statements are attempts to control and change another person. This leads to mutual resentments and does not work.
He also told me that he learned in rehab that we can't talk about the past unless HE brings it up?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have been guilty of using my husband's past for self serving reasons. At times. I wasn't trying to resolve anything. My only purpose was to hurt him by using shame and blame. It was far easier to blame him for my unhappiness then to take responsibility for my own decisions.
Today, I chose to forgive myself and I chose to forgive him. But I now know that forgiveness does not mean I have to "accept" any unacceptable behavior in my daily life.
By no means am I implying you are doing this, I am just sharing how unhealthy I had become!!
Today, I chose to forgive myself and I chose to forgive him. But I now know that forgiveness does not mean I have to "accept" any unacceptable behavior in my daily life.
By no means am I implying you are doing this, I am just sharing how unhealthy I had become!!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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..I get letters from him how he prays and hopes I can love the sober him?
Your didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it
You can't love him sober if you could NONE of us would be here
I see a lot of manipaulation, in his words
Your didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it
You can't love him sober if you could NONE of us would be here
I see a lot of manipaulation, in his words
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
crazybabie my AH's letters say the EXACT same thing!!!
You guys are all right and I wrote him and I told him I would not agree to that. I would agree to not harping on the past and looking towards the future, but I should be free to say whatever I want as should he. I like in in a small rural town. There isn't much as far as counseling or anyone I can talk to, but everyday he is gone I feel like I am getting stronger, I know the true test will be when he comes home...
You guys are all right and I wrote him and I told him I would not agree to that. I would agree to not harping on the past and looking towards the future, but I should be free to say whatever I want as should he. I like in in a small rural town. There isn't much as far as counseling or anyone I can talk to, but everyday he is gone I feel like I am getting stronger, I know the true test will be when he comes home...
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