firefly2

I relate so much to the social anxiety piece of sobriety. I've been in recovery for several months, and I still struggle with this. When I drank, I used to be super social, always going out, made friends easily, but now...ugh. People always say, "Oh, but it will get better." I can't help but wonder when that will be. I haven't found AA to be helpful, and I've gone to a LOT of meetings over the course of several years. I haven't found many women in AA to be very supportive or warm toward me. I have tried to reach out to women who I thought were friends. During a weak moment when I relapsed last year, I called a lady I had known for nearly a year, who claimed she'd always be there for me no matter what. Instead, when I told her I'd been drinking, she told me she couldn't associate with me anymore until I got sober again. I felt so betrayed and rejected at a time when I needed a friend the most.
Not to say everyone in AA is this way, but overall, I've had such a hard time connecting. I've only met people who are there for me when times are good, but I've been dropped on my butt as soon as things were bad. It's easy to be a friend to someone when things are going well. But a TRUE friend is someone who's there for you when you're down.
Enough with the rant. I find sobriety isolating and lonely. I'm dating a guy who has really embraced AA, and it's basically his social life, which I am not a part of. I don't know what my options are. I used to love to go out and meet new people, but now, I feel so socially anxious and self-conscious. Going out to dinner is so hard for me because I STILL can't feel comfortable around alcohol. I feel very alone and depressed, and I feel like giving up sometimes. I feel like sobriety shouldn't feel this way. Does anyone out there understand?

Casmasta

I totally get the social recluse stuff..
I had to start by asking friends to do sober day stuff with me.
But just one on one.. I couldn't handle more than two people at a time.
I think it was better for me to force myself to speak to people, and get out in the world a little bit. Even if it was only for an hour walk or so.
I got to be kind of a state park expert.

Dee said something the other day, I think, along the lines of.. "You have to build a life you love."
Which is hard.. For me, especially, because I want everything NOW. My Veruca Salts, I call them.
One day at a time, I guess.

I think something I try to do is at least one little thing I'm proud of every day.
Something I didn't do before getting sober.

Anyway, AA is a great place to meet sober folks that you can relate to..
Lotta weirds, guys.. Let's be honest..
But a lot of neat people, too.

DisplacedGRITS

i too am struggling with the social aspects of my new sober life. what i am trying to do is find sober activities i can do and try to make new friends in those activities. i'm not very active in the AA community anymore or at least not active enough to have friends in it. as far as AA friends go, this is what i think. sure, they're going to be there in the good times. why shouldn't they be? in the bad times, that's when you need a sponsor. they have to protect their sobriety above all and being around someone who's relapsed can be dangerous to people. perhaps that's what happened.

learning to be in social situations again while sober is really hard. we're plagued by our anxieties that we've had or developed through our alcohol use and we've are no longer using alcohol to ease those anxieties. what comes now is learning to ease up on ourselves and cut ourselves a little slack. we're still the same person that we were when we were drinking. we're just not drinking now. we're still witty and fun and interesting. we just have to figure out and develop the confidence in ourselves to bring those qualities out naturally, without alcohol. alcohol doesn't make you funny or interesting. you're already funny and interesting. alcohol just lowers your inhibitions. so try to start letting your guard down a little. sure, you might make a joke that doesn't go over well but everyone does. we're always our own hardest critic. we have to learn to be a bit more gentle with ourselves. as far as being comfortable around alcohol, that's something that comes to people in their own time. that's your personal journey with sobriety and something you still have to work on. if you're not comfortable yet then you just aren't so avoid those situation for now. but remember, alcohol didn't bestow any positive qualities upon you.

MycoolFitz

I have always been a recluse, alcohol gave me an excuse now its up to me

Sapling

I was curious about the same thing...You've done a lot of meetings over several years...Have you ever had a sponsor or worked the steps...That is the program of recovery....That is where the promises come from.

lillyknitting

Let's be totally honest here, social situations like pubs etc are for drinkers. If you don't drink, IMO, why on earth would you want to go to a pub or drinking situation. I know what you are saying, I've been there, my old life was booze at least three nights a week round mates, then get out Fridays and go for a proper drink. I was smashed half the week then the rest of the week getting over it. If you want a sober life forget so called socializing, these places are not for us, they are for boozers. My mates wou,dnt dream of meeting up with each other on a Friday if it wasn't for the booze, it's total bs. They are in denial like the rest of the populace. Frankly, that whole scene totally bores me now, if I was drinking of course I'd be out there involved in the total bs that it all is. Get a dog, go for walks, read books, cook, knit, enjoy the sunrise, get up at 4.30 and wait for the sun to rise. Do anything but don't drink, but most of all, give yourself time. Forget those in AA who don't want to know you, stick to those that do, keep ranting, keep feeling but don't kill yourself with booze or, kid yourself that they are having fun out there, its all bs. Take care x

Dee74

Hi and welcome Firefly

It probably appears I'm a lot less social than I used to be...but then I'm not really...my social life was really just a cover for drinking...

I'm actually a fairly quiet stay at home guy - I just spent 20 years trying not to be that guy - I felt lonely, I felt like I was missing out, I used alcohol to get myself out there....

Like Casa said...I'm a big believer in building a life you love.

I've accepted I'm not a party animal, now.
It's just not me and I'm ok with that.

I'm not a recluse, but I have a pretty small circle of friends, and our social life does not revolve around alcohol.

There's a lot to do out in the world and a lot of it doesn't involve alcohol - nothing actually needs alcohol IMO.

It's around tho - some of my friends still drink, but I'm not afraid of it because I don't want to drink anymore.

It just doesn't fit into the life I've made.

I guess we might be coming at this from opposite angles, but I think the basics are the same...

find people you like and trust and who respect you and your recovery...

give yourself time to develop the skill of being social soberly...

find out who you are and don't be afraid to be that person...you'll be sure to find people who like the real you

D

coming_clean

I have my job, i work out several times a week, girlfriend, parents.
That is social life.
For the rest Im a hermit.
The loneliness was a major relapse factor.,
But, just as D74 said above: my former sociale life was just an excuse to get waisted.
Sober i just cant stand being around old friends and such.

Gottalife

There is hope if you do the work.

"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem."

And the tenth step promises..." And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."

YoungAndClean

Alcohol/Drugs use to be about going to partys/BBQs/Kickbacks, etc. But the last few years as I've grown older I usually drank and used alone or with 1 other person. Honestly I like being sober and staying home a lot because it's a safe environment and I've never really enjoyed bars, or wine tasting, or raves, etc. I think getting sober would be a lot harder for a barfly, or someone whose family drank a lot or used. I'm so lucky my parents nor my brother drink so I don't have the temptation around. I love going to bed early and waking up feeling refreshed and fantastic. Sobriety can get boring, but it is so much better then the chaos of chasing the next high/buzz.

SoulKat

Firefly I agree. My husband is an acoholic who hasn't had a drink in 30 years (but we won't discuss the pot he smokes). Anyway... we don't do anything or go anywhere with other people because everyone else in the world drinks. We were at a wedding a couple of weeks ago and admittedly I'm new to sobriety but they had an open bar. I was miserable sitting around all these people having fun, getting a little tipsy... whatever they were doing. We left by 9PM. I'll quit my whining now... I'm just saying that I understand how you feel.