ShipTraveler

My wife age 70 went over the edge about 4 years ago.
If I stay at home, drinking lessens. The minute I leave, she heads for the liquor store to restock, and does an amazing job of hiding it. she has been to three 1 week local programs and a 4 week out of town rehab program. she has attended many AA meetings but never can seem to participate or find a sponsor. I have attended quite a few al-anon meetings but cannot see the logic of my doing the 12 steps. Step 1...no brainer, it is out my control. Step 2 is hard as I am more Agnostic than religious...ok, I can define god as I see it as nature, but nature doesn't do much to help. From there on...I don't think I wronged anyone, and can't figure who I would need to make amends to. Meanwhile, I have had, for her own safety (and at several doctor's recommendations) remove her access to a car. the car was gone for 8 weeks while she recovered from a cracked neck and the first three occasions after getting wheels again she headed straight for booze. third time, she fell again, we had another ER run,
only to sign out and come home. She has a balance problem stone sober, and it only takes 2 or 3 drinks to make her crash and burn, which she had done many times. I don't think she accepts her problem, still hopes to go back to 5 years ago, and "have a glass of wine with dinner" Problem is, of course, a glass now is 3 or 5 or a bottle.
I hate this!
Any suggestions, or anyone to chat with?
Also, anyone have any experience with antabuse (Disulfiram)???

Tuffgirl

Welcome, ShipTraveler. Although I am not your age, I have seen some cases where the addiction presents much later in life. But the more research you do on the nature of addictions, the more you'll find that age doesn't really matter, except in relation to how much physical abuse the body can handle. Her liver isn't so young anymore...

I understand the concerns with the Al-Anon program, but the mission of the program is to take the focus off of your wife and trying to fix her, and putting it back on yourself, because no matter what you do, she is a grown woman who has proven to you time and time again she will drink if she wants to and will quit if she wants to. Emphasis on "if she wants to". Of course she doesn't accept she is an alcoholic if she continues to drink excessively regardless of the consequences.

Underlying addictions if often depression, and in my professional life I saw older adults drinking as a means of coping with grief and loss. Have their been any of that in her life in the last handful of years? And chance you can encourage her to address this with her primary care provider?

Keep reading here and keep coming back. We won't twelve-step you, but much of what you read here is based on 12 step programs. And P.S. I had the same issues with the religious undertones at first. Desperation won out, and I found a level of spirituality I never had.

dollydo

My step mother spent the last 10 years of her life sitting in her room smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch. She finally died at age 72, that was her wish, to drink herself to death.

Antabuse? My cousin was put on it, it made him sick when he drank...so...he stopped taking it,
so he wouldn't get sick when he drank!

You cannot help your wife, it is totally up to her to stop drinking and participate in a strong recovery program.

Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of
Substance Abusers, lots of important information at your fingertips.

Keep posting, read others posts, it will help.

Hollyanne

My suggestion is get checked for some form of dementia.
Lots of personality changes in older people are actually early signs of dementia.

owathu

My mother is 72 and has turned into her mother, a late aged alcoholic. I cannot remember the last time I spoke to her in the last decade when she was sober. She is no longer driving, her husband (80!) has sold her car. She never leaves the house. The voice I remember growing up is now this slurred version of it. When she was married to my father, she drank, but had it mostly under control. Once she cheated on him with her now husband, the drinking got progressively worse. I don't recognize my mother anymore and it is a burden to talk to her, so I do it rarely. And we used to be so close.

So, yes, it can progress to an elderly person drunk.

ShipTraveler

We have been to a whole bunch of doctors. She does not have dementia in the Alzheimer's sense, but she does have some imparement due to, we believe too many hits on her head. She has had a lot of depression over the past 5 or more years. We lost our son 2.5 years ago, but she was already alcoholic at that time. Currently, none of the doctors can (or won't) treat the depression due to the alcohol problem. the Alcohol negates the working of anti-depressants and causes more depression.

For the past three days, she has hit the wine bottle early in the am,
and was somewhat normal by dinner time. Today, she is saying she knows she is an alcoholic and what else can I suggest? I have seen this pattern before, a few days of drinking followed by remorse and, at the moment, a sincere desire to quit. It will likely end in a few days and the pattern will repeat.

I feel like Charlie Brown running up to kick the football, with Lucy promising not to pull it away.

What should SHE do during these remorseful periods???

SparkleKitty

When she is feeling remorseful, would she go to an AA meeting? Anything to reinforce the need and desire to change?

Hollyanne

Bring her to an open AA meeting.
This might help.
Call the local AA number.
Better again get an older person in AA to bring her to an AA meeting.
AA closed meetings are for people with a desire to stop drinking.
Technically, not for a non problem drinker.

ShipTraveler

Yes, she will go. She has gone to a lot of AA, but so far, hasn't connected. No sponsor.

ShipTraveler

she has been to many different AA meetings, open and closed.
The large group meeting seen less effective than the small groups.
But...no sponsor.

ShipTraveler

Thanks, Anchorage.
Nice city, we have visited there twice. (summer)
ShipTraveler

Hollyanne

Would you think of leaving if she continues?
Have you ever left for an extended period of time?
Have you tried catching her on camera and getting her to watch?
Has she gone for one to one counseling?
I feel very sad for you.
And for her! She is probably profoundly depressed.
I suffer from depression and PTSD and I drank to get away from myself. Utterly damp down the feelings in my heart and head.
I also got that agitated kind of depression with panic feelings/fear.
The only way for her to get through this is to take a few weeks of not drinking, treatment for her depression and talk therapy. That is very hard.
My best to you Ship.