Derbygirl

I confronted him in his flirting today and told him I was done with our marriage. He, of course, blamed his infidelity on my not being affectionate enough. He packed his things (including the cold beers in the fridge of course) and left. I cried the whole time but what killed me was when he said goodbye to Rylan, my youngest son. Rylan's biological father left me when I was pregnant and only knows my husband as his daddy. Now two fathers have left him and I can't help but feel like it's My fault he doesn't have anyone to call "daddy." I'm devastated, crying so hard i can barely breath. I don't know how I'm gonna act around my kids tonight when they out of school, I don't know how I'm gonna make sure they have a place to live. Life feels so cold right now, completely empty. I don't want to tell my kids yet because I'm in no shape to deal with their pain as well as mine so I'm gonna have to pull it together. I want to sit and hold my kids close right now. They're all I have and I'm all they have.

He begged me to reconsider but never said sorry. Not once. He says he loves me but I'm nothing to him.

CentralOhioDad

I'm sorry for your pain. Hopefully now you can move on and become happier, and deservedly so, than you were living with an A.

As many have said here - it only gets worse as time goes on. You probably saved yourself, and your children, even greater heartache and pain down the road. It will get better, I promise.

Peace to you.

P.S. It's not your fault, any of it.

Tuffgirl

Hon, I am very sorry.

This is going to hurt like hell, but in time, you will look back and realize this person you chose to be your kids "daddy" is a terrible influence on them. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is the way men behave and treat women?

Instead of thinking you have done something bad to these kids, instead look at the positives here. First of all, you are teaching your kids that it is NOT ok to be treated poorly by anyone. You are modeling healthy behavior by not allowing yourself to be mistreated any longer. You are showing that mistakes are made, but its about how we fix those mistakes that count. You are showing them not to settle for Mr. Right Now, but to strive to find Mr. Right, and to choose wisely next time.

Hugs,
~T

LoveMeNow

Doesn't sound like your son has ever really had a "daddy" that loved him unconditionally and put his needs first. But he can have a wonderful, strong mother who does.

It's time to work on you. It's hard in the beginning then something clicks and you will really enjoy it. I promise.

Healthy attracts healthy. Sick attracts sick.

P.S. What are you going to do when your AH tries to come home, because he will.

Fandy

maybe think about calling your parents, asking them to loan you some $$ that you can pay back when the other thing comes through...get back to YOUR family who will help you and you can get a job and real support.

one of the things that struck me when i read your first post was that you have been unhappy since you married Mr. Selfish, booze and cigarettes before food. new marriages are supposed to be happy, not full of pain and suspicion, cheating.

and GEE WHIZ...if someone tried to choke me during sex, i wouldn't want them touching me either!

Kimmieh

Wow, you really followed through! I am so impressed and I am sure your kids are or will be proud that their mom does not tolerate being treated like that. Good for you!!! And it never feels like it in the moment, but you WILL feel better and probably better than ever before because you REALLY stood up for yourself and your family! You are my inspiration today.

Kimmieh

And I agree, with that check coming, it might just be time to relocate. It's all falling into place it seems...I love when that happens.

MsPINKAcres

what a brave woman you are ~ going thru this pain of change because you and your children deserve someone that will treat all of you with love, respect, dignity and honor ~

it's a great example for them!

remember when the pain feels too rough - This too shall pass ~

it's not easy but it does get brighter as time goes by ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Florence

I am right here with you on this. I also want to add that for all the back and forth about whether children "need" both parents in their lives, what the research shows time and time again is that children are most likely to reach their potential when they have a NETWORK of stable, engaged adults in their lives. This means parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, mentors, librarians, WHOEVER. The research also says that children don't fare so well when the primary adults in their lives are unstable and disengaged (*ahem* like cheating, alcoholic AH *ahem*).

Things are falling into place whether you're ready or not, lady.

So hey, you're halfway there. He's gone, and while this feels like a heavy burden right now, you can totally do this. You have a little money falling from the sky and a home to return to if you need it.

Rosiepetal

I'm so sorry you're hurting.
I promise given time it will get better.
I totally agree with tuffgirl, I have just split with my A boyfriend because I couldn't take the drinking anymore & think it is unhealthy for children to see us be treated the way we were & by my doing so I am teaching the children how to handle their relationships in their future, they are both girls.
When my husband & I split 6 years ago mainly due to drug use & he ran off with my best mate it was very hard. He too tried the "you didn't give me enough affection line" But you know what? Me & the kids pulled together. We went through it together. I kept the communication lines open with them & now they are blossoming young girls with their heads screwed on.
It will get better, I know it hurts now but you did the right thing.

Derbygirl

Thank you everybody. SR has saved me, no joke. Sure I have friends who care that I talk to (none close by unfortunately) but SR is full of compassionate people who have been where I am or are going though it too. Even though you are all so caring, you are all unbiased and give me honest opinions. I feel like I've made sound judgements because of the support I have here.

I opened a checking account today with my last $100 that my husband knows nothing about. This is where my student loan money will be deposited next month. I will use the money to get home to my family. My family can't support me at all financially as they're in a very bad position too, but they have a big house, the house I grew up in. We can stay there until I figure out my next step. There's a good chance I will be home in time for Thanksgiving! I miss my mom's cooking and won't THAT be a great treat!

I know that he will try to come back. In fact he has already told me that he'd be back this weekend to get more of his stuff. By then I will have a drawn up plan as to how our separation and then divorce will work. I will have it decided how I want the finances taken care of until we are divorced and after. If he doesn't agree to it, I WILL go to his commander with my "evidence" and tell them of his drinking problem. If a wife reports drinking issues, soldiers are forced to at least some degree of treatment.

He's still begging me to reconsider but I told him that this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Actually, it smashed the poor camel.

chicory

You are a brave woman, and a very good mother. Your children are going to have a life that is much more secure , peaceful, and real laughter will ring in your home.

bless you. and be strong.

Rosiepetal

Good for you Derbygirl.
We are all here for you.
Hugs to you.

ricmcc

I am terribly sorry for the pain you are going through, but do agree with the other people who have posted, it is the right, mayde only, choice for both you and your children. I am posting only to say that when you mention having drawn up papers regarding separation, I hope that that was done with the aid of a lawyer? Being Canadian, I know little or nothing of the Family Law that applies to you (perhaps someone with more knowledge could help me here?), but I strongly suspect that given your current finacial situation you likely qualify for aid. If you haven't seen a lawyer, and drained as you must feel just now you very likely don't feel up to much, it is very importand to have sound legal advise, espescially with children involved. (Here this would apply to councelling, as well, so perhaps you might check that out when able).
I wish you the best----Rick

Sungrl

So proud of you! Just please follow through. Sounds like you have a great game plan. DO NOT let him manipulate himself back into your life. You have a beautiful future ahead of you. How great your kids will be living with their grandparents for awhile. Talk about a great support group. Take Care.

Fandy

try to get some sleep, eat some dinner and relax. Lock the house up tight too. I do not trust that he will behave rationally. I would be sure that SOMEONE on base knows of your issues as he may get more than angry (especially if he is violent when drinking).

Call your parents and tell them you are coming home soon. Ask for help, even if it's just emotional. Can someone from the family come and stay with you for a couple of weeks?

Titanic

His reaction to your decision further proves who he is. You did the right thing!

Easy Does It with the divorce plan and all the other stuff. You don't have to have it all figured out right away. I hope you've called your family.

Is there a way you can have his stuff put outside the house so he won't come back in, or at least have some friend there in the house with you when he comes over. Protect yourself and the kids.

Be Proud of Yourself!

Florence

Your attitude is really fantastic here.

I'll tell what I always want to hear when I'm feeling overwhelmed: YOU CAN DO THIS. I BELIEVE IN YOU. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.