AH called me, crying
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
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AH called me, crying
Last night I picked up the phone when AH called. He was crying, and clearly in so much pain. Said he missed me terribly and loved me. Then said he felt feeling these things was selfish, and that whatever I needed to do for me was OK with him.
He had a very strange affect in his voice, as if it was a huge effort to speak, but this was not normal drunk-voice. Said he'd stopped taking the antidepressants (he had several suicide attempts in the past year) but didn't say when. Said he hasn't slept in days, implied he has not had much to eat, either. Claimed he has been sober for nearly a month. (QUACK)
He wasn't making a lot of sense, and he sounded quite ill mentally, which makes sense given the damage to his brain from years of alcoholism. He does have a dual diagnosis.
I am feeling tremendous guilt, I've propped him up for years and then I pulled the rug entirely out of his feet a month ago. He has no money no job and he is virtually alone - his family is useless and do not give a cr**. How is his sick brain going to make healthy choices?! I can only hope that his HP takes care of this, and I know I can't do a damned thing about it myself. It's tragic.
Holy moly the amount of pain I'M feeling right now is enormous. I'm taking care of myself anyway and slogging through my work day, even though I want to crawl into a ball and weep.
Thanks for listening to me, good people of SR. Could use ESH if anyone's up for it.
He had a very strange affect in his voice, as if it was a huge effort to speak, but this was not normal drunk-voice. Said he'd stopped taking the antidepressants (he had several suicide attempts in the past year) but didn't say when. Said he hasn't slept in days, implied he has not had much to eat, either. Claimed he has been sober for nearly a month. (QUACK)
He wasn't making a lot of sense, and he sounded quite ill mentally, which makes sense given the damage to his brain from years of alcoholism. He does have a dual diagnosis.
I am feeling tremendous guilt, I've propped him up for years and then I pulled the rug entirely out of his feet a month ago. He has no money no job and he is virtually alone - his family is useless and do not give a cr**. How is his sick brain going to make healthy choices?! I can only hope that his HP takes care of this, and I know I can't do a damned thing about it myself. It's tragic.
Holy moly the amount of pain I'M feeling right now is enormous. I'm taking care of myself anyway and slogging through my work day, even though I want to crawl into a ball and weep.
Thanks for listening to me, good people of SR. Could use ESH if anyone's up for it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Oh, I'm so sorry...
I would have a hard time with this too. I remember quite well my axbf doing this to me on several different occasions, said he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me, etc. etc. He is probably freaking out because he realizes what a mess he has made of things and that you will be going away for good. Breakups are difficult. Does he have a therapist or anyone else he can talk to?
He should not be talking to you... I would be seriously tempted not to pick up the phone.
Oddly enough I have not gotten any depressing calls from my ex in the past few months. Either he has finally decided to move on or finally realizes I can't cope with his drinking problem. Either way it's a good thing for both of us, I think.
Hang in there.
I would have a hard time with this too. I remember quite well my axbf doing this to me on several different occasions, said he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me, etc. etc. He is probably freaking out because he realizes what a mess he has made of things and that you will be going away for good. Breakups are difficult. Does he have a therapist or anyone else he can talk to?
He should not be talking to you... I would be seriously tempted not to pick up the phone.
Oddly enough I have not gotten any depressing calls from my ex in the past few months. Either he has finally decided to move on or finally realizes I can't cope with his drinking problem. Either way it's a good thing for both of us, I think.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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[QUOTE=amooseoncebitmysister;3629448
I am feeling tremendous guilt, I've propped him up for years and then I pulled the rug entirely out of his feet a month ago. He has no money no job and he is virtually alone - his family is useless and do not give a cr**. How is his sick brain going to make healthy choices?! I can only hope that his HP takes care of this, and I know I can't do a damned thing about it myself. It's tragic.
[/QUOTE]
Hhhmmm...rug...what rug? I mean, really, was there ever a rug that was propping him up? And I mean this in kindness and honesty, to point out that this is a grown up person, sick or not, who can either stand on his own two feet planted firmly on his own rug or he can epically fail. All you did was remove a potential cushion to soften the failure if that is his choice. I assume he knew how to behave before you came into his life, unless you two have been together since the age of 5. I assume he has some basic life skills. He has the ability to reach out to professionals to help him eat, sleep, find work, get clothing, obtain necessary medications, find sobriety through various programs, deal with grief, etc. These are all a phone call away.
I know he hit all your emotional buttons with that phone call, but feeling guilty for "pulling the rug out from underneath him" is your own denial of his ability to take care of himself (or choose not to, if that is the case).
Next time, tell him you believe in him to take care of himself.
I am feeling tremendous guilt, I've propped him up for years and then I pulled the rug entirely out of his feet a month ago. He has no money no job and he is virtually alone - his family is useless and do not give a cr**. How is his sick brain going to make healthy choices?! I can only hope that his HP takes care of this, and I know I can't do a damned thing about it myself. It's tragic.
[/QUOTE]
Hhhmmm...rug...what rug? I mean, really, was there ever a rug that was propping him up? And I mean this in kindness and honesty, to point out that this is a grown up person, sick or not, who can either stand on his own two feet planted firmly on his own rug or he can epically fail. All you did was remove a potential cushion to soften the failure if that is his choice. I assume he knew how to behave before you came into his life, unless you two have been together since the age of 5. I assume he has some basic life skills. He has the ability to reach out to professionals to help him eat, sleep, find work, get clothing, obtain necessary medications, find sobriety through various programs, deal with grief, etc. These are all a phone call away.
I know he hit all your emotional buttons with that phone call, but feeling guilty for "pulling the rug out from underneath him" is your own denial of his ability to take care of himself (or choose not to, if that is the case).
Next time, tell him you believe in him to take care of himself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
To the one who has a sister who was once bitten by a moose,
Tuffgirl is exactly right. I understand the feeling of "pulling the rug out" - I have struggled with that a lot - even today. My A doesn't really have family or much support that way either. A good percentage of that is his own doing.
Look at it this way-
Did he provide the rug that is under you??.....I'm guessing no. Did he ever even help you vacuum your rug? We provide our own rugs. He did this to himself.
Hang in there. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Tuffgirl is exactly right. I understand the feeling of "pulling the rug out" - I have struggled with that a lot - even today. My A doesn't really have family or much support that way either. A good percentage of that is his own doing.
Look at it this way-
Did he provide the rug that is under you??.....I'm guessing no. Did he ever even help you vacuum your rug? We provide our own rugs. He did this to himself.
Hang in there. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
Tuffgirl thanks for those wise words. Perfect. Especially that I believe in him to take care of himself.
I've been reminding myself that he is a grownup and has to make grownup choices, that he is not my son, that he functioned alright before I came along 16 years ago.
I haven't heard him cry in a couple of years (since we had to put our old dog down, suddenly), and it is a big trigger for me.
I've been reminding myself that he is a grownup and has to make grownup choices, that he is not my son, that he functioned alright before I came along 16 years ago.
I haven't heard him cry in a couple of years (since we had to put our old dog down, suddenly), and it is a big trigger for me.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I am so sorry to hear this and I can feel your pain. I am currently trying to NOT save my ABF from becoming homeless and it's hard. All I have been telling him is to go to rehab - it gives him a roof over his head, food to eat, and most importantly, the professional help that can help him get on the right path again. So far he refuses and I remind myself that he has a choice...
Hang in there! He knows that he can call 911 if things get bad and admit himself into a psychiatric unit (my ABF actually did do that once when he felt he was crumbling). He can go to food banks if he needs food.
As someone told me here the other day, it's a sign of respect to leave the decisions to them. But I know it's so so so hard.
Hang in there! He knows that he can call 911 if things get bad and admit himself into a psychiatric unit (my ABF actually did do that once when he felt he was crumbling). He can go to food banks if he needs food.
As someone told me here the other day, it's a sign of respect to leave the decisions to them. But I know it's so so so hard.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
I wish someone could explain to me why ......
when my mom was batteling colon cancer (a fight she won, thanks HP!!)
I was terrified and scared. But....I never hurt as bad, or cried as hard then
when my AHB was a terrible drunk and on the verge of destruction with
no job, no money, and nearly homeless. I am almost ashamed to
admit that. I feel your pain!
when my mom was batteling colon cancer (a fight she won, thanks HP!!)
I was terrified and scared. But....I never hurt as bad, or cried as hard then
when my AHB was a terrible drunk and on the verge of destruction with
no job, no money, and nearly homeless. I am almost ashamed to
admit that. I feel your pain!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sungrl I think with alcoholism, unlike cancer, there is some illusion of responsibility or accountability. Something we could have done differently to change the circumstances for another person. Cancer is impersonal, a clear enemy you have no control over. Alcoholism is insidious and manipulative. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm so glad your mother won the fight!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear amooseoncebitmysister, many people (for a variety of reasons), survive by going to shelters or churches. Most all have resources that help people to get back on their feet and can direct them to all sorts of community services. If he really wants help, he will be able to find it.
He is hitting your sympathy and GUILT buttons hard. It is so important for you to remain strong and remember that you are doing the best thing for him by not caving.
I have had to so this for a loved one---so I know how Harrrrd it is to do.
Fight the guilt.
dandylion
He is hitting your sympathy and GUILT buttons hard. It is so important for you to remain strong and remember that you are doing the best thing for him by not caving.
I have had to so this for a loved one---so I know how Harrrrd it is to do.
Fight the guilt.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2005
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My exabf could cry at the drop of his hat...he was a good actor, very good, I did fall for his drama...for awhile...then I woke up.
He has nothing because of his actions, not yours, he is a big boy, time for him to take care of himself.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no heathy purpose, it accomplishes nothing except to keep one stuck in emotional limbo.
Keep busy, don't let him suck you back into the vortex.
He has nothing because of his actions, not yours, he is a big boy, time for him to take care of himself.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no heathy purpose, it accomplishes nothing except to keep one stuck in emotional limbo.
Keep busy, don't let him suck you back into the vortex.
We all deserve respect & love
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
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I think many of us are familair with this classic guilt tripping hook. That type of hook kept me in relationship for 10 years longer when I should have bailed early on. I always used to take him in when he pleaded he'd have no place to live, I'm the only one who understands/loves/supports him, etc. Stupid old me, took him back in every time. So happy to not have to deal with that nutty cycle anymore!
They play on our caring hearts. If he knows how to read a phone book & use a search engine online - he is not that out to lunch. If he wants help & to take genuine action, he can find what he needs with either or both those above resources. If he does nothing else but tell you how bad he has it - no changes are happening.
They play on our caring hearts. If he knows how to read a phone book & use a search engine online - he is not that out to lunch. If he wants help & to take genuine action, he can find what he needs with either or both those above resources. If he does nothing else but tell you how bad he has it - no changes are happening.
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It may help to understand that there is nothing you can say or do that will help him. If he is suicidal you can call 911. But you can save your own life and stop talking to him entirely. Feelings aren't facts: just because you FEEL guilty doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. Personally, I'd run to an Alanon meeting.
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Repeat night
So he did it again last night; he left about 5 messages on my phone, I called him back (whoops). He was so drunk he was unintelligible, though the mean/gaslighting side showed through just fine, as did the mental illness. It was a gift, really, because it showed me that he is doing nothing differently, just drinking away his life (and marriage, and house, and friends, etc etc).
I ended the (pointless, time-wasting) conversation with him pretty quickly. I'm doing my best to take the high road here. He called a few more times (I was asleep), and when I listened this morning to the voicemails, his last one at 1 a.m. was "Why haven't you invited me over." HA! As if!
I'm very close to going NC.
Crocodile tears.
I ended the (pointless, time-wasting) conversation with him pretty quickly. I'm doing my best to take the high road here. He called a few more times (I was asleep), and when I listened this morning to the voicemails, his last one at 1 a.m. was "Why haven't you invited me over."
HA! As if! I'm very close to going NC.
Crocodile tears.
We all deserve respect & love
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
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Yes, it was a gift you gave you with proving once again, what he is. Good job on ending the convo.
Just curious, have you ever tried any kind of cognitive therapy to break behaviour patterns that aren't working?
Just curious, have you ever tried any kind of cognitive therapy to break behaviour patterns that aren't working?
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