Are you freaking kidding me??
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Are you freaking kidding me??
My husband is working his recovery, blah, blah, blah.... When yesterday he shared that he can drink if he wants to - he just chooses not to because, of course, he has never had a drinking problem, blah, blah, blah. He hasn't had a drink since May and has no desire to. But like a teenager - he doesn't want to be told he can't. Really?? Are you freaking kidding me?
OK, so I took the bait. I said many people believe the same and return right back to their DOC. I am not sure if it lowers their inhibitions or "activates" their addiction in some way. But the end is always the same!
He is well aware that alcohol is a drug. He just doesn't want to be told he can't. Oh well, it's his recovery. I am powerless. He even stated it's my recovery, I know what works for me...so let it go. Me: Then why are you telling me this??
However, I am still wondering what boundary I want to have about this. At this point, I am not going to state one to him. It's his journey and I have my own. I just want to keep my "balance" in the event he does stop for a beer because I feel like he has "warned" me that is a possibility. I hope he plans on taking his key chains off because drinking a beer is not recovery or sobriety. I also feel it contradicts everything he is supposedly working on. And to be honest, I think it will be the final nail in our marriage, I just don't want to make a decision based on emotions in the "heat" of the moment which has always been my MO. (IE: You drank, OK, you need to move out now - type of action.)
I know some will say, it's a learning process he made need to go through. I understand that. However, I have my own learning to do and I don't want to sit back and watch him crash and burn again. He will need to learn this one on his own!!
OK, back to step one for me!!
OK, so I took the bait. I said many people believe the same and return right back to their DOC. I am not sure if it lowers their inhibitions or "activates" their addiction in some way. But the end is always the same!
He is well aware that alcohol is a drug. He just doesn't want to be told he can't. Oh well, it's his recovery. I am powerless. He even stated it's my recovery, I know what works for me...so let it go. Me: Then why are you telling me this??
However, I am still wondering what boundary I want to have about this. At this point, I am not going to state one to him. It's his journey and I have my own. I just want to keep my "balance" in the event he does stop for a beer because I feel like he has "warned" me that is a possibility. I hope he plans on taking his key chains off because drinking a beer is not recovery or sobriety. I also feel it contradicts everything he is supposedly working on. And to be honest, I think it will be the final nail in our marriage, I just don't want to make a decision based on emotions in the "heat" of the moment which has always been my MO. (IE: You drank, OK, you need to move out now - type of action.)
I know some will say, it's a learning process he made need to go through. I understand that. However, I have my own learning to do and I don't want to sit back and watch him crash and burn again. He will need to learn this one on his own!!
OK, back to step one for me!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
If the boundry is no active addiction, then that is the boundry. He already knows that.
He is probably checking to see if you think stopping for a beer is active addcition.
He is correct, no one can tell him he can't have a beer.
Sounds like relapse is on his mind. He has to sort this out.
He is probably checking to see if you think stopping for a beer is active addcition.
He is correct, no one can tell him he can't have a beer.
Sounds like relapse is on his mind. He has to sort this out.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Then I hope he has found a new place to live as well. He got paid yesterday and gave me almost all of the money to pay bills and stash the rest. (yep, I stashed it - right into my SDB that he has no access to). I know he has another sizable check coming in, so maybe that is his back up money. Who knows, I am not going to obsess about his actions.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Well, I guess if I am posting about it, I am thinking more about it more then I should. But I just want to have all my ducks in a row. I want to prepared - spiritually, emotionally and financially. I want to make decisions based on my core values and not my emotions.
He is at a meeting right now, attended a NA business meeting last night and then went to a meeting after. For his sake, I hope he works through whatever is going on his brain.
He is at a meeting right now, attended a NA business meeting last night and then went to a meeting after. For his sake, I hope he works through whatever is going on his brain.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm confused. If he says he has never had a drinking problem, who came up with the term "recovery" in your conversations? Does he use the word "recovery?" Or have you labeled this period of abstinence his "recovery"?
Oh, wait: I forgot. He is a drug addict who says he has no problem with alcohol. He thinks he is in recovery from a specific drug and not from addictive disease. So he thinks he can still drink.
Sorry for my mix-up, now I see your situation. You are alarmed because he is making subtle threats to pick up alcohol.
For myself, I would not live one minute with a drug addict with a beer in his hand.
Oh, wait: I forgot. He is a drug addict who says he has no problem with alcohol. He thinks he is in recovery from a specific drug and not from addictive disease. So he thinks he can still drink.
Sorry for my mix-up, now I see your situation. You are alarmed because he is making subtle threats to pick up alcohol.
For myself, I would not live one minute with a drug addict with a beer in his hand.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He claims he has no desire to drink, chooses not to and does not want his brained impaired at all. He acknowledges he can not control his pill usage. He tested that one out already and lost. But obviously, he has not surrendered to the "addictive disease" belief as a whole.
He says the issue is he doesn't like being told he CAN'T. Telling him he can't, makes him want to test it out. Is it me?? lol
He is only 30 something days clean again (after his 2-3 week relapse) and has flipped flopped on this issue from the beginning. Yet has not had a drink since May 24. (I was suprised to know he knew the date). hmmmmm
ETA: He never drank at home, he was never a big drinker, but sometimes he did enjoy a beer at a baseball game - or an outside activity and obviously struggles with the NEVER again part. But he embraces the "just for today- I choose not to drink"
He says the issue is he doesn't like being told he CAN'T. Telling him he can't, makes him want to test it out. Is it me?? lol
He is only 30 something days clean again (after his 2-3 week relapse) and has flipped flopped on this issue from the beginning. Yet has not had a drink since May 24. (I was suprised to know he knew the date). hmmmmm
ETA: He never drank at home, he was never a big drinker, but sometimes he did enjoy a beer at a baseball game - or an outside activity and obviously struggles with the NEVER again part. But he embraces the "just for today- I choose not to drink"
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
sounds like the only choice in the matter is what you will tolerate (or not).
I don't want to spend my life with someone that splits hairs about what he/she has an addiction to. My ex husband always said that drugs were his problem - not alcohol. When I moved out, he started drinking....a beer here or there. Six months later he had a crack pipe burning. This was after 6 years of sobriety.
I don't have to worry about whether a recovering addict can drink or not - because I know that if someone in my life is an addict that I won't participate with them as long as they are participating in mind altering situations. End game. Made it a whole lot easier for me.
It's not my job to convince anyone of anything though. Sorry you are having to deal with this. Even the "option" of that sort of thinking would be enough for me. Just saying.
I don't want to spend my life with someone that splits hairs about what he/she has an addiction to. My ex husband always said that drugs were his problem - not alcohol. When I moved out, he started drinking....a beer here or there. Six months later he had a crack pipe burning. This was after 6 years of sobriety.
I don't have to worry about whether a recovering addict can drink or not - because I know that if someone in my life is an addict that I won't participate with them as long as they are participating in mind altering situations. End game. Made it a whole lot easier for me.
It's not my job to convince anyone of anything though. Sorry you are having to deal with this. Even the "option" of that sort of thinking would be enough for me. Just saying.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Defining and getting emeshed in other people's recovery is apt to cause frustration on both sides of the issue. He is free to define recovery any way he wants to do so. Using your definition to compel him to change his behavior is controlling and it's not going to have the desired outcome. He's going to live his life as he chooses regardless of what you say or do.
The need to communicate boundaries to other people is most often an attempt to control the other person, the opposite of a true boundary which is to protect you and minor children.
If you choose not to live with someone who does not fit your definition of recovery, that's your business and your boundary to enforce, meaning one of you is going to leave if he drinks and you cannot force him out of the house.
Are you prepared to move out to enforce your boundary? If not, the boundary serves no purpose.
The need to communicate boundaries to other people is most often an attempt to control the other person, the opposite of a true boundary which is to protect you and minor children.
If you choose not to live with someone who does not fit your definition of recovery, that's your business and your boundary to enforce, meaning one of you is going to leave if he drinks and you cannot force him out of the house.
Are you prepared to move out to enforce your boundary? If not, the boundary serves no purpose.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you all for confirming what I already knew to be true. It may be his "recovery" but I really don't believe it's none of my business in it's entirety. I have decisions to make and choices - so I can do what is best for ME!
Without sounding harsh, I don't even want to be with someone who is in recovery at all. I don't know if it's a beer here, or a beer there, or not working the steps, weakened spirituality, or whatever . I just know that the light switch to addiction can flipped at any time for a variety of reasons. 10% recover for life. Addiction is just that powerful. Just my opinion.
Without sounding harsh, I don't even want to be with someone who is in recovery at all. I don't know if it's a beer here, or a beer there, or not working the steps, weakened spirituality, or whatever . I just know that the light switch to addiction can flipped at any time for a variety of reasons. 10% recover for life. Addiction is just that powerful. Just my opinion.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
He says the issue is he doesn't like being told he CAN'T. Telling him he can't, makes him want to test it out. Is it me?? lol
I would say his thinking is pretty normal for any addict or alcoholic. It's stuff that goes through out head. Craziness. You can't change his thinking or his actions. I think it's good that he communicated it to you although it is possible he was just feeling you out .... none of us know what his reason was.
Does it mean he will drink. Not necessarily. It's anyone's guess. I'm just thinking, you can live in fear that he'll relapse but is that what you really want? If you live with that fear, there are many other's you could add to that....
At this point, the only 'boundary' I could think of would really just be an attempt for him to define recovery the way you do. Control.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Yes, my boundaries are firm about being with an active addict. Does it mean I would pack my bags and run out the door that minute? No, it doesn't. Does it mean I would say you have to move out now, like I have done in the past? No, it doesn't. Does it mean my future plans do not include him, YES, it does!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
LoveMeNot,
I hear ya girl. This was all a tough tough road for me because I guess that I wanted the relationship to endure. I nickled and dimed myself trying to fit his choices into something that I could tolerate.
Until I was clear in my own mind I chopped my boundaries into shreds. For a long while I knew I wasn't going to be with him - it just wasn't the right time to leave yet. Like any addict....I wasn't done until I was done.
Years ago, I had a health care provider whose ex husband had been a crack addict. She swore that even if someone was in recovery that she wouldn't become involved with him. I used to think that sounded a little harsh.....now I get that in spades because of what I have gone through. As loved ones and family members it's easy to get worn out with the whole thing.
Years ago my counselor helped me a whole lot when she said "why don't you say that in 5 years you'll be living in a healthy, emotionally sober, supportive, and loving environment?" When I put it that way I no longer had to decide who was going to be in my life or not.....because I became committed to that for myself. Right now that means that I am living with my youngest son and my dog! Instead of saying I would or would not be with my ex husband I chose what was best for me. If he had found recovery and stuck with it I might have stayed right where I was.
As everyone told me, you'll know what you know.....that was really true. As they say "more will be revealed".
I hear ya girl. This was all a tough tough road for me because I guess that I wanted the relationship to endure. I nickled and dimed myself trying to fit his choices into something that I could tolerate.
Until I was clear in my own mind I chopped my boundaries into shreds. For a long while I knew I wasn't going to be with him - it just wasn't the right time to leave yet. Like any addict....I wasn't done until I was done.
Years ago, I had a health care provider whose ex husband had been a crack addict. She swore that even if someone was in recovery that she wouldn't become involved with him. I used to think that sounded a little harsh.....now I get that in spades because of what I have gone through. As loved ones and family members it's easy to get worn out with the whole thing.
Years ago my counselor helped me a whole lot when she said "why don't you say that in 5 years you'll be living in a healthy, emotionally sober, supportive, and loving environment?" When I put it that way I no longer had to decide who was going to be in my life or not.....because I became committed to that for myself. Right now that means that I am living with my youngest son and my dog! Instead of saying I would or would not be with my ex husband I chose what was best for me. If he had found recovery and stuck with it I might have stayed right where I was.
As everyone told me, you'll know what you know.....that was really true. As they say "more will be revealed".
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Wow, lol!! Check out this thread. And the whole "tomorrow" thing is exactly what my husband says too. I guess it may be an addict thing. Doesn't matter though, I needed to redefine my boundaries as to what is OK for me. He can do whatever he wants, I am not trying to control him. I am just deciding what I can and can not live with and that it is OK for me to change my mind.
Originally, I was all "I will support any recovery attempts" - now I am not so sure if I can and thats OK!!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-i-want.html
Originally, I was all "I will support any recovery attempts" - now I am not so sure if I can and thats OK!!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-i-want.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
My son said the same thing when he came out of rehab. He was told in rehab that alcohol would be a stepping stone back to opiates. He decided he never had an alcohol problem before opiate addiction so he didn't think the warning applied to him. He doesn't remember the drunken state he was in as a teenager but I do.
There is something to the "you can't do something" edict that makes us all want to do it. Ever see a "Don't walk on the grass" sign? Makes me want to walk on the grass for sure!
Maybe your husband won't over indulge. Time will tell and then you can implement your boundary.
There is something to the "you can't do something" edict that makes us all want to do it. Ever see a "Don't walk on the grass" sign? Makes me want to walk on the grass for sure!
Maybe your husband won't over indulge. Time will tell and then you can implement your boundary.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
My RABF was going through a stage where he kept saying that alcohol was a worse drug than pain pills. He would complain that alcohol is a legal drug, but it causes so many problems. He doesn't drink, so I guess he was trying to say addiction was worse. He'd say, oh, I hate alcohol, it is so disgusting. So, I'm sitting there thinking that oh yeah, your pill problem is so much better. I don't know. I think it is nonsense they speak when they are looking for excuses.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
LMN -
I'm new to all of this. All I can tell you is that I am much more sane and my life is more peaceful because I no longer try to understand illogical thinking. Nor do I waste my time trying to figure out how he can be fixed or what is the right or wrong way. Hang in there.
I'm new to all of this. All I can tell you is that I am much more sane and my life is more peaceful because I no longer try to understand illogical thinking. Nor do I waste my time trying to figure out how he can be fixed or what is the right or wrong way. Hang in there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
