Another analysis of codie relapse
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Another analysis of codie relapse
Why is the guilt the toughest thing to shake? I felt like I was doing so well. STBXAH has been trying to submit "his side of the story" to the divorce court as his own lawyer. It's the most pathetic pity plea I've ever read. No accountability, everyone is out to get him, nothing is his fault, he never threatened me, he is a wonderful father, everyone loves him. Please! His diatribe, if read by an outsider, is a textbook example of what a controlling, abusive, alcoholic would write. Such things will only hurt him in the end. I'm sure he sees it differently.
Anyway, I have a lawyer and she quickly filed a motion to strike. Her document was well written and in conformance with how such motions should look. It all just feels so lopsided. Guilt about that is creeping in. Mind you, he wrote to my lawyer wanting to know my intentions about custody and indicated that nothing less than equal rights and responsibilities would be acceptable to him. He also wrote that he never wants to see or speak to me again for the rest of his life and other nasty things about me. (hmmm....co-parenting may be a challenge, no?)
Then last night, our boys rang him up on Skype. According to them he seemed really down in the dumps based on his tone and facial expression. My oldest noted that it was different than when he is drunk. Then I remembered, yesterday would have been our 14th wedding anniversary. I started to feel bad for him and wanted to give him credit for having a "normal" emotion about a sad day considering we are divorcing. (Was this purposeful manipulation????)
I laid in bed thinking about an email I might write to him about my hopes for the future as parents and that I'm not out to get him. I had all of these urges to comfort him.
I've been told on this forum, that this divorce is war and he is the enemy. I do not feel I have the mentality of a soldier ready for battle.
MamaKit
Anyway, I have a lawyer and she quickly filed a motion to strike. Her document was well written and in conformance with how such motions should look. It all just feels so lopsided. Guilt about that is creeping in. Mind you, he wrote to my lawyer wanting to know my intentions about custody and indicated that nothing less than equal rights and responsibilities would be acceptable to him. He also wrote that he never wants to see or speak to me again for the rest of his life and other nasty things about me. (hmmm....co-parenting may be a challenge, no?)
Then last night, our boys rang him up on Skype. According to them he seemed really down in the dumps based on his tone and facial expression. My oldest noted that it was different than when he is drunk. Then I remembered, yesterday would have been our 14th wedding anniversary. I started to feel bad for him and wanted to give him credit for having a "normal" emotion about a sad day considering we are divorcing. (Was this purposeful manipulation????)
I laid in bed thinking about an email I might write to him about my hopes for the future as parents and that I'm not out to get him. I had all of these urges to comfort him.
I've been told on this forum, that this divorce is war and he is the enemy. I do not feel I have the mentality of a soldier ready for battle.
MamaKit
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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I haven't been through a divorce before, but I did go through an epic custody battle.
It's all about boundaries and trusting yourself. You don't have to accept his premises, his explanations, or his framing of the facts. You can trust yourself to present the fairest, most accurate case you are capable of that will protect your family. You can also trust that if he's not working a program, he's going to be nasty and probably screw himself.
Don't feel guilty. This isn't your bag to carry. Brush that dust off your shoulder.
It's all about boundaries and trusting yourself. You don't have to accept his premises, his explanations, or his framing of the facts. You can trust yourself to present the fairest, most accurate case you are capable of that will protect your family. You can also trust that if he's not working a program, he's going to be nasty and probably screw himself.
Don't feel guilty. This isn't your bag to carry. Brush that dust off your shoulder.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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If you are feeling uncertain about whether or not to take actions (and for the love of Pete, who WOULDN'T in your situation! I marvel at your fortitude!!!), then it's okay to table those actions until you're sure. We've all been in that place where something that felt like the right thing to do turned around and bit us in the ass. I don't know if this is a war, or if you have to be a soldier, my own experience with divorce was piddling compared to the horror stories I have read here...but if there is the slightest chance that the email you are considering as a gesture of comfort and accord could be used against you in these proceedings, then maybe hold off.
How he feels about your would-have-been anniversary is his business, and how you feel about it is yours. You don't have to give him credit for a "normal emotional reaction". Whatever it is and whatever he does with it is up to him.
I really admire your strength in this. Your kids are so lucky to have you looking out for them!
How he feels about your would-have-been anniversary is his business, and how you feel about it is yours. You don't have to give him credit for a "normal emotional reaction". Whatever it is and whatever he does with it is up to him.
I really admire your strength in this. Your kids are so lucky to have you looking out for them!
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Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by MamaKit 
STBXAH has been trying to submit "his side of the story" to the divorce court as his own lawyer.
Of course he's going to have a pity party and misrepresent himself.
Just keep plugging away, dear. You are doing great!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sounds like he is in the process of sinking his own battleship.
The court expects parents to co-parent with the "for the greater good of the children".
His inability, immaturity, lack of self control, and nastiness are going to present themselves to the judge. In the big picture, he is actually doing you a favor, hopefully, the judge is going to see him for what he truly is..........
The court expects parents to co-parent with the "for the greater good of the children".
His inability, immaturity, lack of self control, and nastiness are going to present themselves to the judge. In the big picture, he is actually doing you a favor, hopefully, the judge is going to see him for what he truly is..........
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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It's that favor he's doing for me - by sinking his own ship - that is making me feel so bad (guilty). I feel twisted in knots about it all.
It's so codie-symptomatic!!!!
I also think there is some element of grief to it - I've lost the person that I believed he had the potential to be. My boys don't have a good dad right now. It's sad all around.
I just spoke with my attorney - with whom I've never spoken to really in-depth about the history of me and STBAXH. I asked her, as an "almost outsider" if "his side of the story" document sounded to her like a textbook alcoholic, abusive controlling person. She said, absolutely, and the judges see that too.
Ugghhh. It shouldn't be this way.
I think I need a quiet place to say the serenity prayer over and over today.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement.
MamaKit
It's so codie-symptomatic!!!!
I also think there is some element of grief to it - I've lost the person that I believed he had the potential to be. My boys don't have a good dad right now. It's sad all around.
I just spoke with my attorney - with whom I've never spoken to really in-depth about the history of me and STBAXH. I asked her, as an "almost outsider" if "his side of the story" document sounded to her like a textbook alcoholic, abusive controlling person. She said, absolutely, and the judges see that too.
Ugghhh. It shouldn't be this way.
I think I need a quiet place to say the serenity prayer over and over today.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement.
MamaKit
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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MamaKit, I have heard of people going through a painful divorce who actually benefit from grief counseling---since it is a major life loss (of a kind). Some say worse than a "natural" death.
Just food for thought.
dandylion
Just food for thought.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Mamakit, you are doing the right thing, you are protecting your children.
One day they will understand and be so very thankful that you took all these painful steps to ensure their happiness and well being.
((((big hugs)))))0
One day they will understand and be so very thankful that you took all these painful steps to ensure their happiness and well being.
((((big hugs)))))0
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
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Oh mamakit,
Stay strong. You are doing what is in the best interest of your children.
I know that I am filled with grief. According my therapist I am grieving the loss of the man who my husband used to be. I know that I am. That man is long gone and will most likely never return. The amazing father that he was 7 years ago is gone. Now my children get drunken loser dad. It is a sad scenario. I just keep trying to look forward and tell myself that this isn't the end....it's a new beginning.
Confetti
Stay strong. You are doing what is in the best interest of your children.
I know that I am filled with grief. According my therapist I am grieving the loss of the man who my husband used to be. I know that I am. That man is long gone and will most likely never return. The amazing father that he was 7 years ago is gone. Now my children get drunken loser dad. It is a sad scenario. I just keep trying to look forward and tell myself that this isn't the end....it's a new beginning.
Confetti
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He also wrote that he never wants to see or speak to me again for the rest of his life and other nasty things about me. (hmmm....co-parenting may be a challenge, no?)
I know in the middle of a divorce you're basically in hell all the time. At least I was. What he wrote there, though, might really work in your favor. I don't know what the law says where you live, but in my state, a judge may only allow shared custody if it seems likely that the parties can effectively co-parent. The fact that he says all those nasty things about you isn't exactly going to prove him to be a cooperative co-parent.
You feel guilty because you're thinking of him as the person he WAS or the person he COULD BE. You're feeling guilty because you think of the divorce robbing THAT PERSON of the opportunity to be with his children, etc. But that person doesn't exist right now. That person existed in the past, and may exist again in the future, should he sober up, but right now, that person doesn't exist. And that's what I had to keep in mind all the way through my divorce. I was feeling guilt for the sake of a person who didn't exist. I told myself "You might as well feel guilty for Hamlet's death, for crying out loud!"
We're also so schooled in taking on the feelings of an A, and you're so recently out of that close relationship that it would be surprising if you could just "turn that off." You don't have to justify his feelings. They're just feelings. And they're his, not yours. I also kept reminding myself that even if I am the one pushing the divorce, even if I was the one who left, the responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage rests on HIS shoulders.
I wasn't the one who drank the grocery money and threatened my family. I wasn't the one who chose to get drunk rather than go to my children's sports events. Etc., etc., etc. Just because you're the one pronouncing the marriage dead doesn't mean you're the one who killed it.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
We're also so schooled in taking on the feelings of an A, and you're so recently out of that close relationship that it would be surprising if you could just "turn that off." You don't have to justify his feelings. They're just feelings. And they're his, not yours. I also kept reminding myself that even if I am the one pushing the divorce, even if I was the one who left, the responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage rests on HIS shoulders.
I wasn't the one who drank the grocery money and threatened my family. I wasn't the one who chose to get drunk rather than go to my children's sports events. Etc., etc., etc. Just because you're the one pronouncing the marriage dead doesn't mean you're the one who killed it.
I wasn't the one who drank the grocery money and threatened my family. I wasn't the one who chose to get drunk rather than go to my children's sports events. Etc., etc., etc. Just because you're the one pronouncing the marriage dead doesn't mean you're the one who killed it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by lillamy
You feel guilty because you're thinking of him as the person he WAS or the person he COULD BE. You're feeling guilty because you think of the divorce robbing THAT PERSON of the opportunity to be with his children, etc. But that person doesn't exist right now. That person existed in the past, and may exist again in the future, should he sober up, but right now, that person doesn't exist .
Ouch. Arrow right to heart.
Nail hit right on the head.
That person does not exist right now. I am feeling guilt for a soul that has left that saturated shell of a man. Such a sad reality - but helpful to acknowledge.
Lillamy, the laws in my state are the same. You would think he has read the statute and decided he would show everything that works AGAINST him in terms of custody!!!
Hugs,
MamaKit
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