Met Someone in Recovery
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
Met Someone in Recovery
I recently starting seeing someone who told me pretty early on that he was in alcohol recovery. He has more than ten years of sobriety. He is a great person and seems to have a lot going for him. I have been in a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic before and remember how difficult it was and how difficult it was to leave. I decided to give this new guy a chance since he has been sober for such a long time, although I have reservations. But in the last few days, he has given me some additional, very disturbing information about his past. It was much worse than just an alcohol habit--it was also drugs and gambling and he lost everything and got into trouble, which resulted in some prison time. Now I feel like I may have entered into a can of worms I'm not prepared to deal with. I know he has a long time of being clean and sober and that should matter more than what he did, but I fear what a relapse would be like if he stumbled into one. I'm thinking it could be pretty terrible, given all the different addictions he has had. Sort of struggling with how to proceed. My first instinct is to run fast, but I also hate to give up on someone who seems so great at this point in his life.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If you have a history of being traumatized by an alcoholic, you are placing yourself in great jeopardy with a man who is in recovery (TODAY only, it is a daily reprieve and no more) from multiple physical, psychological and behavioral addictions.
It is not that he does not deserve a romantic relationship.
It is that you are not the right person because of your trauma history. You have a scar, a deep scar, a residue of abuse inside you that will never go away. It makes you much more emotionally vulnerable to trauma-repetition and it makes you much more vulnerable to a very fast descent into mental instability if the addict relapses.
When we have been in an abusive relationship, it is absolutely vital that we choose the most stable and trustworthy friends we can. If we choose someone who has a history of multiple addictions and criminal anti-social behaviors, we put our mental and emotional health at tremendous risk.
Please do what is best for you.
It is not that he does not deserve a romantic relationship.
It is that you are not the right person because of your trauma history. You have a scar, a deep scar, a residue of abuse inside you that will never go away. It makes you much more emotionally vulnerable to trauma-repetition and it makes you much more vulnerable to a very fast descent into mental instability if the addict relapses.
When we have been in an abusive relationship, it is absolutely vital that we choose the most stable and trustworthy friends we can. If we choose someone who has a history of multiple addictions and criminal anti-social behaviors, we put our mental and emotional health at tremendous risk.
Please do what is best for you.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi and welcome. I definitely understand your reservations and it sounds like your gut feeling is leading you in the right direction. I totally agree with English Garden in her response to you.....
I have been traumatized by a relationship with an alcoholic and an addict. It definitely has left scars on me and I, too, know how difficult it was and how difficult it was to get away. No matter how great someone in recovery is they really do only have a daily reprieve. I've lived in a situation where I've given that sort of power to another person. His program (and what turned out to be a lack thereof) DIRECTLY impacted me on every level. I know that my scars have left me extremely vulnerable to further harm to myself if things did not go well with another man with similar core issues. I just can not take that chance again. I've been there, done that....and once you know...you know.
You are fortunate to have been given more information. I'd bet that you only know the tip of the iceberg at that. I'm glad that he has worked a recovery program but he sure does carry a heavy burden of his past.
I agree, it sounds like you have entered into a can of worms. I REALLY hope that you are not deep enough into that can that you are not able to step out of it. If you decide to stay, I hope that you will work your own recovery program......
When I found myself attracted to more than one man with addiction issues I wish that I had started working my own program whether I got involved with him or not. I could have saved myself a world of hurting.
I have been traumatized by a relationship with an alcoholic and an addict. It definitely has left scars on me and I, too, know how difficult it was and how difficult it was to get away. No matter how great someone in recovery is they really do only have a daily reprieve. I've lived in a situation where I've given that sort of power to another person. His program (and what turned out to be a lack thereof) DIRECTLY impacted me on every level. I know that my scars have left me extremely vulnerable to further harm to myself if things did not go well with another man with similar core issues. I just can not take that chance again. I've been there, done that....and once you know...you know.
You are fortunate to have been given more information. I'd bet that you only know the tip of the iceberg at that. I'm glad that he has worked a recovery program but he sure does carry a heavy burden of his past.
I agree, it sounds like you have entered into a can of worms. I REALLY hope that you are not deep enough into that can that you are not able to step out of it. If you decide to stay, I hope that you will work your own recovery program......
When I found myself attracted to more than one man with addiction issues I wish that I had started working my own program whether I got involved with him or not. I could have saved myself a world of hurting.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by bittersweet2012 
My first instinct is to run fast, but I also hate to give up on someone who seems so great at this point in his life.
What folks are not on their best behavior when seeing someone new?
If they seem too good to be true, chances are my gut is right. That is exactly what happened with my dry drunk ex-fiance. Damned painful (and monetarily expensive) lesson for me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 141
You can only do what is best for you and what you are comfortable with. I also understand the scarring of previous relationships affecting current/future relationships.
BUT if everyone that wanted to date me based their decision on my past, I could be sure that I would end up the lonely, old cat lady. I'm also trying to figure out what human being is perfect in every way and doesn't have some sort of past action(s) that might make them seem less than perfect.
He has 10+ years of sobriety and decides to confide in you, then you think you should run? I can see why relationships are so messed up these days...people look for reasons to not trust people that might be trustworthy, and then others stay in the abusive, deceitful ones they should get out of. I'm guilty of it too, but unless I'm missing something or he currently is relapsing, I'm not sure where the logic of running away comes into play. No, not everyone completely turns their life around that has a past like that, but there are some of us that do.
BUT if everyone that wanted to date me based their decision on my past, I could be sure that I would end up the lonely, old cat lady. I'm also trying to figure out what human being is perfect in every way and doesn't have some sort of past action(s) that might make them seem less than perfect.
He has 10+ years of sobriety and decides to confide in you, then you think you should run? I can see why relationships are so messed up these days...people look for reasons to not trust people that might be trustworthy, and then others stay in the abusive, deceitful ones they should get out of. I'm guilty of it too, but unless I'm missing something or he currently is relapsing, I'm not sure where the logic of running away comes into play. No, not everyone completely turns their life around that has a past like that, but there are some of us that do.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a great site with oodle of ES&H
(Experience, Strength, and Hope) from folks who are where you are now or
have been where you are now.
I am going to agree with everything said above. As a Recovering A with over
31 years of continuous recovery I too will say 'trust your gut!'
There are NO Guarantees with an RA. Just because one has XXX amount of
time sober and clean, does not mean that they cannot relapse. Heck, I saw
some one that I had a LOT of respect for, and he had 40+ years when he
relapsed.
Yes he did find recovery again after several months of horrible intense drink-
ing, and he did die sober several years later. However, he could never put
his finger on exactly what caused his relapse, except becoming TO COM-
PLACENT and forgetting his 'tools' and not using his 'tools.'
With your history with an active Alcoholic in the past, I would suggest you
utilize your statement above ........."My first instinct is to run fast".
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so
very much.
Love and hugs,
(Experience, Strength, and Hope) from folks who are where you are now or
have been where you are now.
I am going to agree with everything said above. As a Recovering A with over
31 years of continuous recovery I too will say 'trust your gut!'
There are NO Guarantees with an RA. Just because one has XXX amount of
time sober and clean, does not mean that they cannot relapse. Heck, I saw
some one that I had a LOT of respect for, and he had 40+ years when he
relapsed.
Yes he did find recovery again after several months of horrible intense drink-
ing, and he did die sober several years later. However, he could never put
his finger on exactly what caused his relapse, except becoming TO COM-
PLACENT and forgetting his 'tools' and not using his 'tools.'
With your history with an active Alcoholic in the past, I would suggest you
utilize your statement above ........."My first instinct is to run fast".
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so
very much.
Love and hugs,
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