ForMyGirls

Let me preface this by saying that I love this guy. He has my upmost respect on both a personal and professional level. He's pretty much been my mentor within the firm. He has done a ton for me, and I am certain that he would give me the shirt off of his back if I asked him to. But when I posted here before that people I am associated with have no idea as to what my personal situation was/is, I wasn't kidding!!! lol...

Little background... I was just made the youngest Partner in my firm this past year. We're hosting a big conference this week (which I'm speaking at and I am very nervous about)... I'm heading to the conference tomorrow... I just received this email from one of my Partners:

"Jack…do you want to stop and pick up a handle or two of Crown (or what others may want) for “after hours”? We stopped at a store last night, but there was limited variety. Use your corporate CC."

Any advice how to answer to that? I'm thinking I'll pick up the booze and then get busy with/disappear with, "work I have to catch up on" when it comes to after hours. Gonna be tough to skip the scheduled cocktail party with colleagues/clients before the "after hours" begin though....

Uggg...

kittycat3

Plan your response. Practice it if you have to. Tell them you are allergic, on a health kick or cleanse, doctors orders....it really doesn't matter.
Not sure if buying the booze is a trigger, personally I can manage that just fine but if it is a trigger you may have to come up with something else.

kittycat3

There is always the "What? I didn't see that email" approach

DisplacedGRITS

is there any problem picking up the drinks or are you worried about the actual cocktail hour? i've heard about "cocktailing" from my sister-in-law who's also a lawyer and i understand that it's pretty ingrained. i'd grab something for you to drink and just keep to that and keep refilling your own drink. if anyone offers you anything a simple "nah, i'm good" should suffice. beyond that, a "doctor's orders" or a "medication thing" should shut anyone up. if it's a problem with picking up the drink, perhaps you left your card at home by mistake?

Delilah1

I have a work happy hour coming up and I am going with training for a race and trying to be healthy. Can you have a colleague buy it for you, or buy it and give it to someone else to bring because you need to stop by somewhere before leaving and may not be there right for the start of happy hour?

ForMyGirls

Not so much worried about picking up the booze, just the week in general... I've got (earned?) the reputation of being the go to guy when it comes to "the party"... It's really gonna be a tough reputation to get rid of...

For the record, I'm not a lawyer, I'm a CPA (not that that has much to do with anything)...

DisplacedGRITS

gotcha. it's hard to move out of that "party guy" role. still, try to remember, we are a bigger deal to ourselves than we are to most people. when we give up drinking, many of us are terribly concerned with what everyone else is going to think. what ends up happening a lot of times is that no one else really makes a big deal out of it. still, it's us and our drinking so of course it's a HUGE deal to us so it colors our thinking and makes us quite concerned. stick to drinking what you pour and downplay your sobriety. most likely, people are going to be too concerned with themselves to really wonder what's going on with you and if they do notice, a simple excuse you can stick with is the best. nothing elaborate and again, downplay it.

FreeFall

It's hard to transition from the one who's planning the parties to the one who's abstaining-also living it, although not in a work situation. If you're the life of the party even harder-your sparkling personality will have to replace the booze

If you can buy it and participate without drinking that's probably the easiest route. Antibiotics is always a good all purpose excuse. 7 up with a lime looks like a drink, or cranberry and soda water...

Happier

Tough situation. My only advice is to be honest. That can be done in lots of ways but an honest approach will save your reputation with them but also allow you to be at peace with yourself. Here are some honest options..
I am not drinking tonight
I am not drinking for a while while to help with some health goals
I do not drink anymore. After some thought, this is a good decision for me.
I love my life and my job. I have decided to enjoy them without alcohol
I have drank enough over the years. I thought I would give sobriety a try.
........
Get my point. I suspect all of the above are true. They would be for me. I doubt that this issue is going away anytime soon. Saying the right thing now to put it to rest may end up being a great relief.

NatalieN

I was in a similar situation recently and posting daily on this forum kept me sober during that out of town business trip.

Have a solid plan and dont give yourself permission to deviate from it. If you do you are toast. Sorry to put it so bluntly but a plan is crucial in your situation.

Good luck and congrats on your big promo.

Natalie

ForMyGirls

Yeah... My speach went really well... Plenty of drinks bought/offered to me... I took them... Damn..... Back to the drawing board....

Dee74

I'm sorry FMG.

I can't tell you the number of times I tried to change my life without changing my life.

I needed to work out my number one priority - and it needed to be my recovery.

I needed to make different decisions if I wanted different outcomes.
It's not easy but it's not impossible either.

Being at the drawing board again is not the worst place to be - try not to be too despondent...you've obviously learned a bit and accomplished a little in your recovery, FMG.

I believe you can do this

D

zeroptzero

In my humble opinion based on experience and observation, generally only people dabbling with sobriety and people early on in sobriety have this belief that other people want them to drink, other people expect them to drink, and/or other people will be uncomfortable around them if they are not drinking. I believe this is simply not true - not only that - I think the opposite is more likely true - people will respect your decision to not drink and even be envious of your ability to handle things without drinking.

You did not make partner in your firm because you are a go to party guy. You made partner because you are smart and talented and capable of getting the work done. Those attributes are what you are risking by continuing to drink.

You wrote previously about how no one, even your wife, understands the extent of your problem. In a sense we are all alone with our addictions, because no one else could understand what is going on inside of us. That is why it is critical to be true to yourself. You can't be all things to all people - specifically - you can't be the party guy when you think work needs you to be and than just shut it off and somehow go home and be a good husband and father.

By being good to yourself first (i.e. stop poisoning yourself) you will be happier, and a better father, husband, and business partner.

So - don't beat yourself up - you have accomplished a lot in life - be proud - safeguard what you have by getting back on the wagon. You felt great after 7 days - it only gets better!

MIRecovery

Change sucks (at least we think it does) but change we must if we want to stay sober. There is an AA line that says, "The same man will drink again." You learned a valuable lesson about the power of your best friend/worst enemy. Alchohol handed me my butt more times than I can count. It was not until I decided not to get in the ring any more that change started happening.

Sobriety is precious gift that constantly needs to be #1 and gaurded very closely because with out it no job, no family, no life.

FreeFall

FMG sorry you couldn't resist the temptation. Try to analyze where you caved and maybe that will help you stay strong the next time. Was it the first drink offered? Anxiety over the speech? Anger that you couldn't be like everyone else and have a few? Reward for doing so well before that? All of the above?

I always found it too easy to just shut off my thinking and decide to have the drink and the "good time". I've been more successful lately using lots of thinking about negative consequences to change my patterns.

backbeat

I'm sorry you caved... I've been there too, very recently. It's all part of the process, especially if you're back here to talk about it. The others here suggested figuring out what to do differently next time, and that has been working for me so far.

As for a response when I'm invited out for drinks, I chose one of three depending on who is doing the asking and under what circumstances. 1. First choice is to tell them the truth. If that's not a good idea because of professional circumstances then 2. I tell them I'm on medication and simply can't drink (which is actually true although it never stopped me in the past) or 3. Say I'm trying to get in shape.

escapist

I went to a meeting that was for attorneys. It was held in a law office downtown at lunch. They were a couple of us in there who were'nt attorneys. My point is that there are non-drinking attorneys. So is there anyone in your firm who does'nt drink? There may be someone who used to and quit or someone who just does'nt like drinking. How are they handling themselves?

escapist

I guess I should clarify that it was an AA meeting

Anna

One thing that jumps out at me here is many people's automatic reaction to lie about the situation. In my opinion, that's not a good idea. BUT, I don't mean you spill the beans about your addiction. It simply means you say 'No, thanks'. And, if that doesn't work, repeat it. You don't owe anyone an explanation, and lying about the situation pushes you farther away from your goal of recovery, in my opinion.

I'm sorry you caved, and clearly this is a difficult situation. I think the best option if you really have to be there, is to stay for as little time as possible. Don't hang out anywhere near the bar. Get involved in the presentation or whatever is going on. Bring your own sparkling water, sparkling cranberry juice or whatever and carry that in a glass.

ForMyGirls

Thanks everyone. Small bump in the road... I'll get myself back on track...

Still not proud of what I did, but at least I didn't allow myself to get hammered, or even "buzzed" for that matter... Maybe 7-8 drinks throughout the night... Enough to make me disappointed in myself though...