and the confusion continues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 16
and the confusion continues
So, the lines of communication have been opened somewhat.
BF is probably still at the ex-gf's place, we have chatted over internet a couple times, texted here and there. I'm trying to back off, but because I'm feeling very uncertain, sick to my stomach etc about the entire situation, I am afraid I'm being too pushy about talking to him and sharing info.
I really don't know what to say to him. I'm afraid to say too much due to my argument with the ex gf the other who told me I was laying on a guilt trip (I asked how he was and said that I missed him?) and I'm really feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I know that because he's currently white knuckling it, he's probably grouchy as h*ll, I know he doesn't like to be touched at this point, doesn't like to be around people, this is when he's feeling emotions again which, to quote another time he tried this for a couple days "I remember every horrible thing I have ever done in my life and I hate it"
I know it's about him. But I feel so unsettled. I don't want to push. And I find myself wanting to know what's going on. He's being so not forthcoming with info about what he's going to be doing.
Anyone? I'm in this already, I'm not prepared at this time to walk away (for now) I am keeping myself as occupied as I can manage (not taking care of myself has left me a bit sick currently, I'm speaking to you from a 102 degree fever for 2 days, no sleep, very little eating). But my mind is constantly racing. It's only been since Friday, but considering we practically lived together for 7 months, I'm having to adjust too.
I know *I* am being selfish when it has to be about him. I guess I just want to know what's up where here and I are concerned.
BF is probably still at the ex-gf's place, we have chatted over internet a couple times, texted here and there. I'm trying to back off, but because I'm feeling very uncertain, sick to my stomach etc about the entire situation, I am afraid I'm being too pushy about talking to him and sharing info.
I really don't know what to say to him. I'm afraid to say too much due to my argument with the ex gf the other who told me I was laying on a guilt trip (I asked how he was and said that I missed him?) and I'm really feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I know that because he's currently white knuckling it, he's probably grouchy as h*ll, I know he doesn't like to be touched at this point, doesn't like to be around people, this is when he's feeling emotions again which, to quote another time he tried this for a couple days "I remember every horrible thing I have ever done in my life and I hate it"
I know it's about him. But I feel so unsettled. I don't want to push. And I find myself wanting to know what's going on. He's being so not forthcoming with info about what he's going to be doing.
Anyone? I'm in this already, I'm not prepared at this time to walk away (for now) I am keeping myself as occupied as I can manage (not taking care of myself has left me a bit sick currently, I'm speaking to you from a 102 degree fever for 2 days, no sleep, very little eating). But my mind is constantly racing. It's only been since Friday, but considering we practically lived together for 7 months, I'm having to adjust too.
I know *I* am being selfish when it has to be about him. I guess I just want to know what's up where here and I are concerned.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
We have a sticky post at the top of this forum that deals with the "hooks" that keep us hooked into relationships without boundaries.
Here is an excerpt from the sticky post. These are the first two hooks:
Hooks which keep you boundary-less in relationships
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The article was written by James J. Messina, Ph.D.
jamesjmessina.com
1. Lack of Individual Identity
Maybe you are hooked by the irrational belief that: "I am a nobody without a somebody in my life." If you are, you maintain no boundaries with your relationship partners because you are very dependent in getting your identity from being with your partners. You are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationships happen, even if you have to give up your health, money, security, identity, intelligence, spiritual beliefs, family, country, job, community, friends, values, honor and self-respect. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am a somebody, just by being who I am. I am OK just the way I am, even if I do not have my relationship partners in my life. My value and worth as a person is not dependent on having one or more significant others in my life. It is better for me to be on my own and healthy than to be with my relationship partners and be sick intellectually, emotionally and/or physically. I will work diligently with my relationship partners to correct this faulty thinking which has made me too dependent. By being more my own person, my relationships will flourish and grow healthier."
2. Scarcity Principle
Maybe you are hooked by the scarcity principle of feeling happiness: "because the current status of our relationship is better than anything we have ever had before." This is a common problem for people recovering from low self-esteem who have faced trials and challenges in relationships in the past. The problem is that the current status of your relationships might be better than what you have experienced in the past, but they might not really be as healthy and intimate as the intimate relationship described earlier. You may be so happy with your relationships' current functioning that you are willing to give all of yourself intellectually, emotionally and physically with no regard for what you need to retain for yourself so that you do not lose your identity in these relationships. You may be in a recovery program like AA, Alanon, NA, CODA, ACOA etc. You may be in a Bible Study Group or some other form of spiritual renewal self-help group. You may have a support system and a plan of recovery for personal and spiritual growth. You may find that in your relationships you have no time to do the "recovery or growth activities" of maintaining contact with your support system, going to 12 Step or other group meetings, or reading recovery literature or scripture. You may find it hard to maintain your new behavioral and emotional commitment to personal and spiritual growth in your relationships. If this is true, then your relationships may not be supportive for your personal and spiritual growth. Your relationshps may not be healthy for you no matter how good they look or how happy you are in them. If in your relationships you have no time to spend with your spouse, children, family or long term friends then it is not healthy no matter how happy you are in it. If in your relationships you have no time, energy or resources to put into your career, education or current job then they are not healthy for you no matter how happy you are in them. If in your relationships you are finding it difficult to maintain your own spirituality and connection with God then they are not healthy no matter how happy you feel in them. Relationships which require that you sacrifice all of you for the sake of the happiness you feel, in them, are not healthy intimate relationships. Healthy intimate relationships allow you to make time, space and allowance for you to focus on yourself, your own needs, your spouse, your children, your family, your friends, your recovery program, your support system, your career, your education, your spiritual beliefs and your personal integrity, individuality and identity. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I will focus on my needs, my identity, my individuality and my personal integrity in my relationships. I will set aside my time, resources and energy to give to my spouse, my children, my family, my friends, my support system, my recovery program, my spirituality, my career, my education and my community involvement while maintaining healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners. I will insist that I have the time, resources and energy to focus on all aspects of my life in my relationships. I will not become complacent in my relationships just because there are no conflicts or crisis in them at the time. I will work with my relationship partners to insure that the health of our relationships is ever growing and increasing."
Here is the link to the rest of the article:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Here is an excerpt from the sticky post. These are the first two hooks:
Hooks which keep you boundary-less in relationships
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The article was written by James J. Messina, Ph.D.
jamesjmessina.com
1. Lack of Individual Identity
Maybe you are hooked by the irrational belief that: "I am a nobody without a somebody in my life." If you are, you maintain no boundaries with your relationship partners because you are very dependent in getting your identity from being with your partners. You are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationships happen, even if you have to give up your health, money, security, identity, intelligence, spiritual beliefs, family, country, job, community, friends, values, honor and self-respect. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am a somebody, just by being who I am. I am OK just the way I am, even if I do not have my relationship partners in my life. My value and worth as a person is not dependent on having one or more significant others in my life. It is better for me to be on my own and healthy than to be with my relationship partners and be sick intellectually, emotionally and/or physically. I will work diligently with my relationship partners to correct this faulty thinking which has made me too dependent. By being more my own person, my relationships will flourish and grow healthier."
2. Scarcity Principle
Maybe you are hooked by the scarcity principle of feeling happiness: "because the current status of our relationship is better than anything we have ever had before." This is a common problem for people recovering from low self-esteem who have faced trials and challenges in relationships in the past. The problem is that the current status of your relationships might be better than what you have experienced in the past, but they might not really be as healthy and intimate as the intimate relationship described earlier. You may be so happy with your relationships' current functioning that you are willing to give all of yourself intellectually, emotionally and physically with no regard for what you need to retain for yourself so that you do not lose your identity in these relationships. You may be in a recovery program like AA, Alanon, NA, CODA, ACOA etc. You may be in a Bible Study Group or some other form of spiritual renewal self-help group. You may have a support system and a plan of recovery for personal and spiritual growth. You may find that in your relationships you have no time to do the "recovery or growth activities" of maintaining contact with your support system, going to 12 Step or other group meetings, or reading recovery literature or scripture. You may find it hard to maintain your new behavioral and emotional commitment to personal and spiritual growth in your relationships. If this is true, then your relationships may not be supportive for your personal and spiritual growth. Your relationshps may not be healthy for you no matter how good they look or how happy you are in them. If in your relationships you have no time to spend with your spouse, children, family or long term friends then it is not healthy no matter how happy you are in it. If in your relationships you have no time, energy or resources to put into your career, education or current job then they are not healthy for you no matter how happy you are in them. If in your relationships you are finding it difficult to maintain your own spirituality and connection with God then they are not healthy no matter how happy you feel in them. Relationships which require that you sacrifice all of you for the sake of the happiness you feel, in them, are not healthy intimate relationships. Healthy intimate relationships allow you to make time, space and allowance for you to focus on yourself, your own needs, your spouse, your children, your family, your friends, your recovery program, your support system, your career, your education, your spiritual beliefs and your personal integrity, individuality and identity. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I will focus on my needs, my identity, my individuality and my personal integrity in my relationships. I will set aside my time, resources and energy to give to my spouse, my children, my family, my friends, my support system, my recovery program, my spirituality, my career, my education and my community involvement while maintaining healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners. I will insist that I have the time, resources and energy to focus on all aspects of my life in my relationships. I will not become complacent in my relationships just because there are no conflicts or crisis in them at the time. I will work with my relationship partners to insure that the health of our relationships is ever growing and increasing."
Here is the link to the rest of the article:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think his behavior is absolutely abusive. I think his retreat with the ex-girlfriend and the hostility and silence toward you is degrading. I think the emotional toll on your psyche is profound. And I am not at all surprised that you are ill.
In my opinion it does not matter whether or not he is detoxing or whether he is up to something else entirely, what you are experiencing is abuse. You say that you are his girlfriend and that you have lived together for several months. Yet he has placed himself in the home of a former lover and has refused to communicate with you--his partner-- but has instead given his former lover the power to monitor and critique any messages you send his way.
You are being abused. You are being treated as toxic and an outcast by someone with whom you have a committed partnership. The ex-girlfriend is an inappropriate choice for this so-called detox and it is insulting to you--his partner--that she controls all communications.
You are not being selfish. You are being abused. And I think it is very likely much more abuse is to come.
Just because someone is an alcoholic does not give them a pass to hurt people. Just because someone is whiteknuckling it does not make it okay to treat a loved one like a piece of sh**.
YOU MATTER. Whether he is detoxing or whiteknuckling or drinking. YOU MATTER.
Those eggshells you are walking on: his selfishness and his self-centeredness and his pathology put them there. They are unacceptable. Eggshells are UNACCEPTABLE in a loving relationship between equal partners.
You are being abused. The deep question is why are you in this relationship. It's very important you find out.
You mentioned in your previous posts that you are an atheist and the 12-Step programs do not work for you.
But maybe you can find some kind of help that is a fit. A counselor with a sliding scale if money is tight. Or if you are in a university town, a CODA meeting, which is likely to be much more universally-minded than the meetings you attended before.
My point is, you are being and have been abused by an alcoholic and it is important you get some help for yourself.
He does not get to be the most important person in the relationship. YOU MATTER.
In my opinion it does not matter whether or not he is detoxing or whether he is up to something else entirely, what you are experiencing is abuse. You say that you are his girlfriend and that you have lived together for several months. Yet he has placed himself in the home of a former lover and has refused to communicate with you--his partner-- but has instead given his former lover the power to monitor and critique any messages you send his way.
You are being abused. You are being treated as toxic and an outcast by someone with whom you have a committed partnership. The ex-girlfriend is an inappropriate choice for this so-called detox and it is insulting to you--his partner--that she controls all communications.
You are not being selfish. You are being abused. And I think it is very likely much more abuse is to come.
Just because someone is an alcoholic does not give them a pass to hurt people. Just because someone is whiteknuckling it does not make it okay to treat a loved one like a piece of sh**.
YOU MATTER. Whether he is detoxing or whiteknuckling or drinking. YOU MATTER.
Those eggshells you are walking on: his selfishness and his self-centeredness and his pathology put them there. They are unacceptable. Eggshells are UNACCEPTABLE in a loving relationship between equal partners.
You are being abused. The deep question is why are you in this relationship. It's very important you find out.
You mentioned in your previous posts that you are an atheist and the 12-Step programs do not work for you.
But maybe you can find some kind of help that is a fit. A counselor with a sliding scale if money is tight. Or if you are in a university town, a CODA meeting, which is likely to be much more universally-minded than the meetings you attended before.
My point is, you are being and have been abused by an alcoholic and it is important you get some help for yourself.
He does not get to be the most important person in the relationship. YOU MATTER.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 16
I found out from his friend actually he is not with the ex gf any longer, left there Sunday, stayed with this friend last night, mother tonight. However these are things he won't tell me himself and I really can't get shutting me out of this at all. Abuse or no abuse.
I'll be going to therapy, but it's not going to be frequent, nothing decent is obtainable under medicare and my insurance is crap, it'll pay for 2 sessions. I have been turned onto a non 12 step, so I'm reading right now.
Yes, I do matter, and couple weeks before all of this happened, I had set my boundaries, and he respected them to a fault. I had been downright horrible with him and he deserved every moment of it, my patience with the booze was gone (it was after a conversation with his mother, a recovered alcoholic for 20 years herself, and a very exasperated brother).
It was a loving relationship, up until the past month or so, that has been unbearable, but I got to my tipping point. I guess I wonder if recapturing what was prior is ever possible again, and if he keeps distancing himself, I would suppose it won't.
I'll be going to therapy, but it's not going to be frequent, nothing decent is obtainable under medicare and my insurance is crap, it'll pay for 2 sessions. I have been turned onto a non 12 step, so I'm reading right now.
Yes, I do matter, and couple weeks before all of this happened, I had set my boundaries, and he respected them to a fault. I had been downright horrible with him and he deserved every moment of it, my patience with the booze was gone (it was after a conversation with his mother, a recovered alcoholic for 20 years herself, and a very exasperated brother).
It was a loving relationship, up until the past month or so, that has been unbearable, but I got to my tipping point. I guess I wonder if recapturing what was prior is ever possible again, and if he keeps distancing himself, I would suppose it won't.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
In sincere gentleness I say, accept and allow his actions to be your answer.
When someone intentionally avoids us, they are trying to tell us something. Even people who are not addicted to a substance take this approach. It's not very mature, or kind, but it happens.......
Could this avoidance be part of his detoxing? Possibly. But if it were me, I would accept it for face value, and start taking better care of myself. His addiction is affecting YOUR health.
Your posts are all about HIM. Just wanted you to know we care, and we would like to know about YOU. It really is ok to focus and concentrate on yourself. Glad to hear you are reaching out for help, and I so agree, YOU MATTER!
When someone intentionally avoids us, they are trying to tell us something. Even people who are not addicted to a substance take this approach. It's not very mature, or kind, but it happens.......
Could this avoidance be part of his detoxing? Possibly. But if it were me, I would accept it for face value, and start taking better care of myself. His addiction is affecting YOUR health.
Your posts are all about HIM. Just wanted you to know we care, and we would like to know about YOU. It really is ok to focus and concentrate on yourself. Glad to hear you are reaching out for help, and I so agree, YOU MATTER!
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