fluffyflea

Hi All,

Is it normal when we grow,get stronger and start acting differently towards people that we feel guilty?

backtolifeforme

Yes. I dealt with the guilt part for about 3-4 months in therapy. It was a real toughie for me! I don't know if you're also a codie but if you are - that's almost a guaranteed feeling when you start to become stronger. It's normal. Just try not to let it weigh down your progress too much. Feelings are not facts. Hang in there!

fluffyflea

I,m codie and ACOA big time. Just really tired of dealing with my S.O.Need to take my power back.

backtolifeforme

You will regain your power. You'll reach your breaking point or breakthrough point when you are ready to. I was flipflopping for 13+ years before taking some real action. Had to focus on myself & my own recovery from being a codie & ACOA like I was physically drowning & grasping for any air at all. Anything I could move out of the way of my recovery was moved. The more we practice working on ourselves & healing our old wounds, the less power anyone else can have over us & our emotions. When you are ready, you'll be able to release yourself from a self imposed emotional hell. I have been where you are & never thought I'd be happy again at several points during my time in hell with demons(his & mine) that I grew to love.

lillamy

Mhm. For a while. And then you might get to this point where you start trusting your own voice when you say no. And then you get sort of giddy and a little happy-headed by your independence. And then you start saying "no" more emphatically and with a big fat smile. Or a giggle. And then people really think you've lost it.

You still don't really believe you have the right to be as strong as you are. Go ahead, flex those muscles. You're awesome.

fluffyflea

I keep telling myself he,s not that powerful and I,m not that weak.

BodkinVanHorn

I feel really guilty too. Even though he technically broke up with me. I still feel like I'm kicking puppies. Even though I KNOW the reality. The 3 C's have been a live saver for me but I still somehow want to help. I understand it's a codie thing. I'm trying to work all that out. :x But it will get better. Stay strong. Hugs.

fluffyflea

He's away right now so instead of being in my little bubble of co-dependency I had a dinner party one night, going to meetings early to fellowship and set up,going out for supper with friends after the meetings,visiting Alanon friends,I'm leaving tonight after work to go and do my LNA exam 3 hours away from where I live, just wanted to get it done while he's away.

I'm going through a growth spurt,reading A LOT of stuff on ACOA's.

I feel like I need to get really strong in my own life. There is always this under current of a control game with him which I am really beginning to dislike. I'm concentrating on speaking up for myself more and NOT SITTING BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR HIM TO CALL!!!!

PaperDolls

I felt horribly guilty putting myself first. It just didn't feel right.

It kept me in a bad relationship for far too long. It wasn't fair to either of us.

I instinctively want to make sure you are ok before I check myself out. I'm slowly getting more comfortable taking care of me first. I don't have any quilt about it any more it's actually quite empowering.

TeM

I feel guilty, even though I'm not very far along in the detachment process. I feel guilty for not trying harder to help AW get over her addiction, even as my brain tells me that I don't have that kind of power.

I feel guilty for thinking about divorcing her, because I'm pretty sure she will quickly spiral into an alcoholic cesspool if she's left completely alone.

I feel guilty that maybe her problem is partly my fault, even though everything I've read disputes that.

I don't know if guilt is normal, but I certainly have it.

SparkleKitty

I think guilt is the conflict between what you know is right and what you wish was right. It's perfectly natural but bears close examination.

lillamy

Wow. I have to go ponder that for a while. Thank you!