Confetti

I was doing so well. I had successfully gone no contact for just about a week. My STBXAH was furious, but I was starting to get in a better place for myself and my kiddies. Then, his mother showed up at my door.

She had phoned yesterday requesting to see the kids. I had told her that I was uncomfortable with that due to the recent decisions that she made. I had talked to her a few weeks ago and things seemed ok. Then STBXAH had done a whole slew of things that did not sit well with me. He drained and closed the joint account, ran up the visa, and put in a mail forward (even though I pay all the bills and I highly doubt that he will pay them at all). He did all of this on his mothers advice. She phoned and I told her that while I understood that she loved her son, why would she purposely try to screw the children and I over. She said "well, fine then" and hung up.

She showed up at the door today and I let her in. I thought perhaps, she wanted to apologize or tell me how she mistakenly thought it was a good idea to do those things. No. She wanted to tell me that I am a "bad mom" and "using my children as pawns" That what I am doing to her son (!?) is both wrong and illegal. I said that I had talked to the lawyer and that her son had some major issues to deal with and that his drinking is out of control and that I knew he was doing drugs.

She called me a liar. She said that he has quit drinking. She said there is no way that he is doing any sort of drugs. .....Because he got a promotion and no one in the history of the world has gotten a promotion and been drunk or high.

I feel so awful. I know that he is in a bad place, a few weeks ago she admitted to me that she knew his drinking was out of control and now....he doesn't have a problem?

I don't want anything to do with her nor do I want my kids to even see her. The last time they saw her, they came home with "it's all your fault mom." and I can't imagine what she will tell them now. My Brother in law is a recovering addict and she knows all about enabling. My husband was her golden child, so I don't know if she is just trying to protect his image around town (it's small, so everyone knows the scoop) or whether she truly believes the lies that he feeds her. I don't think that she is telling my father in law much, as he is a very no bull$hit type of man and I can't imagine that he would be on board with any of this.

Now, I'm more of a wreck than a week ago and I don't understand how the heck she can't see what is right in front of her.

backtolifeforme

I'm just going to take a guess here but to me it sounds like she's scared & acting on that. She's scared of the reality. That you are indeed going through with your plans & soon they will be cemented. If she's his Mom - she's scared for good reason. Who do you think your STBXH will go to for help when you are out of the picture? She knows who & what he is. She would prefer to dump blame on you instead of seeing what's real. She may also be scared (and I don't blame her!) that when you've finalized paperwork, her son may start seeing her as a target.

You are on the right path towards a better future. Please consider don't allow someone else's off base & whacked out behaviour affect your progress. You worked hard to get to this point!!

4MyBoys

Confetti,

Sorry you are dealing with this right now. Take a step back for a moment. She is just being one of those Moms who don't want to see their high schooler was smoking behind the gym. Even though the principal saw them. She is just one of those people who will go to their grave defending their kid.

Let it go, if possible. Who cares what she thinks about you? I know it hurts but the expression "Blood is thicker than water." was invented for a reason. She didn't have to live through it, you did. You know what happened.

I have lost the friendship of my sister in law who I considered my best friend. I hope that one day, when the divorce is final, we will be friends again but if not, I will be OK with that now. Time really does help heal. I actually miss her more than my STBXAH!

Go no contact with you Ex as soon as you feel able. I tried to keep the lines of communication open for as long as possible with mine and he kept finding ways to hurt me and manipulate me. Like I said before, I only communicate with my STBXAH with text and email. All communication is then documented. This has been a life saver with the court system.

Good luck, it is so hard......

4MyBoys

dandylion

Dear Confetti, I agree with BacktoLifeforme, that, most of the time, family will "side" with their own DNA when the s*** hits the fan.

In the likelyhood that he lands on their doorstep---and they feel some of the bite---some of their denial may fade. Right now, it is in her interest to keep her blinders on and shift all responsibility and blame to you. I know how painful and unfair this feels for you.

Try to lie low for now, because I think it is just a matter of time until the "worm turns".

Recite serenity prayer.

dandylion

Katiekate

She is creating drama, it's her drama.

It is not your job to take care of any of them.

You have yourself and your children to take care of.

I would simply ask her, if I ever talked to her again, Why did you say that???

Honey, you have had enough drama in your life, you are doing the right thing.

I'm not sure what it is you feel bad about ??? Re: stbx

Confetti

Backtolifeforme - I think that you might be right. I have always had a good relationship with her until this. Now in the past week she has went from someone who I could confide in, to someone who I cannot trust. I know that he has already went to his parents for help financially (which should have been the first red flag for them). Now his parents have decided to avoid the entire situation and are planning a 6 month (minimum) trip and they leave within two weeks. I know that they don't want to deal with this.

4myboys - You are right, Blood is thicker than water, and although I already knew that she would support him in this divorce, I really never could have imagined that she would support him to the detriment of her own grandchildren (the only ones that she has)

Dandylion - thank you...and yes, more will be revealed

Katiekate - I don't think that I will be talking to her any time soon. I'm just so blown away by her accusations and jibber jabber. I do feel awful. Awful that this reality is painful, for both me and my children. Awful that there is no turning back, I must forge ahead on this new path....alone for now.
Until I saw a therapist, I never realized just how much drama was in my life. My STBXAH fed off of drama. All the time. If there wasn't some sort of life threatening, insane issue going on in our life or someone close to us, it just wasn't fun for him. Slowly the drama is fading from my life, while his is as dramatic as before.

And I suppose that part of me feels guilty. Guilty that I didn't let her see her grandchildren. I know that deep down she is a good person, but I also know that right now her judgement is clouded by her sons addictions. She is racing around trying to make him look good instead of letting him fall flat on his face.

it's just so frustrating.

MsPINKAcres

how sad ~ this disease affects so far ~ it is obvious that your MIL is affected by her son's disease and rather than take it out on him - she is taking it out on you ~

Please take good care of you & your boundaries - do what is healthy for you & your children - maybe not today, but someday they will understand

PINK HUGS,
Rita