backtolifeforme

After almost a year after asking my AXBF to leave my life, everything has more clarity. I realized during my recovery self homework that he gave me the first sign of being an alcoholic within the first 2 months of dating - only I didn't understand alcoholism at that time & ended up sticking around for over 13 years after. The sign I missed happened when we were walking to go meet a couple of friends for lunch & a pint. He said "I don't see the point in just going for one drink. Why drink if it's not to get drunk? I don't drink if it's not to get drunk". To which I replied "You don't need to get sloshed every time you have a drink. Many people enjoy having a nice drink to complement their food & having a drink once in awhile should be enjoyable." He didn't say much after that. That was him telling me he has problems with booze. That sign flew right over my unaware head!

For some of you who've also ended your relationships with an A - when looking back have you seen the warning signs with more clarity after becoming more aware? Some of the signs I missed are now so darn clear, some were right in my face - yet I still didn't recognize them as warnings.

NYCDoglvr

Thanks so much for the reminder. Today when I date someone I listen to what they say instead of engaging in fantasies. A red flag and I leave. But I had to learn it the hard way, unfortunately.

backtolifeforme

You're welcome. I'm thankful that some others have shared some of their reminders too. Some of those posts were what helped me to keep on track early on after breaking up the relationship. I also need reminders to keep my codie self in check with all my other relationships!

Although it's been no doubt hard, am glad you learned on your own time. Lots of lessons for all of us as we keep healing. Right now, I am working on not being too hyperaware/hypersensitive to new people who enter my life.

kiwichick

Ugh so many red flags but I didn't understand alcoholism either. Plus I think because we were so young I just assumed he would grow out of it.
*We met on a party bus.
*Has always said he loves drinking.
*Is always carried inside by his friends after he drinks because he can't even walk - he's never even embarrassed about this he actually thinks it's funny.
*Alcoholic parents.

I'm sure I'll remember plenty more

ZiggyB

There were lots of red flags, one of the first times we were together he drank 2 martinis in the afternoon and then began slurring his words. But I guess I didn't know what I was getting myself into and I didn't care, because I thought he was charming and sweet.

But... he also had lots of anger problems too. I don't know why I let that get by me, I guess I thought I was going to help him, fix him, the typical co-dependent behavior.

backtolifeforme

> kiwichick *alcoholic parents

I didn't find out about his A Mom until about 8 months in. Neither of them told me either. I found out by accident. By taking a glass that I thought was water off a kitchen counter & realizing after taking a big gulp & promptly spitting it out - that it was vodka. Shortly after I learned she was a longtime binging A & had been doing the leaving glasses around house for years. This was before I realized my XABF was also an A. That came almost a year later.

4MyBoys

I should have known on the first date when he insisted that on the trip up to Tahoe we stop and pick up a 12 pack for staying the night at his friends. We didn't get there until midnight, why would we need a 12 pack. I was 22 though, and thought we were just having fun......

Then for years we only really went places on the weekends where you could get a drink or bring drinks. I guess I was just seeing what I wanted to see. You are blinded when you are young and want to fall in love!

fluffyflea

I,m making a point of LISTENING more and checking for things like if they ask about ME at all in a twenty minute conversation. It takes awareness first though of the red flags.

OhBoy

Looking back I can see that "the talk" we had after a few months of dating wasn't going to do anything. She got blackout drunk & passed out. I think we were about 19 or 20. Just being a stupid kid, can't handle her liquor.

Not long after that, we were at a professional hockey game. When we went to leave, with me holding her up by her belt loops (I got pretty damn good at the belt loop drunk walk!) she threw up as 20,000 people were walking by us. I did finally manage to get her to a garbage can but there was a trail in the hallway, people walking in it, lifting up their shoes & looking in utter disgust.

Then came sprains, broken bones & finally a 2AM call from the hospital. A car crash followed by a month in the hospital, colostomy bag & follow up surgeries. Looking back I can see why I missed all those "subtle" hints along the way.

Sometimes even now, after even more horrible things have happened, I get a fleeting thought that maybe she's not really an alcoholic! I snap out of that pretty quick though. I was as sick as her. Wonder if she had flags about me? They probably would have been welcomed, at least from an alcoholic view.

amooseoncebitmysister

*I* played pretty hard back when my AH and I first met; drinking was normal to me, I didn't really understand alcoholism. However, I worked in a bar with creative types and that was a hard-drinking culture indeed.

These should have been a clue:

a) He showed up absolutely hammered the first time I invited him to my home - and what did I do? Walked him around the block for an hour, and then fed him. (That'll do, codie)

b) the second party we went to together, he downed so many drinks that I pretty much held him up the entire mile stagger home, during which an unknown-to-me passing cyclist yelled " WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GUY?"

I should change my user name to "aclueoncebitme". Heh

allysen

I remember about one month before we were scheduled to move in together in 2003, I asked him "Do you drink every day?" to which he repled/lied 'no' and I then asked "Do you drink every other day?" to which he also said/lied no. I can't remember why I asked him that, but obviously I picked up on something. But, like so many others, I was consumed by the romantic fantasy and I believed him.

celticgenes

Hey, moose, I am ROTFLMAO over your proposed name change to "aclueoncebitme". Absolutely rolling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!