rebekahmr

Man, I picked a heckuva time to try to register! I've been lurking about a month, and spent the last week trying to get officially registered. I thought maybe the Universe was putting obstacles in my way to see if I *really* wanted to join this message board. And, yes...I really wanted to join.

Luckily, just before the crash, I printed out the wonderfully insightful thread titled "Overcoming the Need to Fix". Have been reading it the last several days and seeing a lot of truth about myself - not easy.

My situation is not as dire as some of your's...but causes me worry and dismay and sleepless nights nevertheless. My 55 y.o. brother is the alcoholic/drug user that I have to deal with. My parents and our family have been dealing with him and his alcoholism for @35 years now...he has been in private rehabs, State rehabs, V.A. rehabs, jail, and homeless in that time period. My parents tried the tough love route, the bailing out route, the getting-him-help route...everything. My mom finally totally 'detached', after buying him a small house, but set up a Trust for my brother [with me as Trustee] to provide a small monthly income for him. Not only is he alcoholic, he is now diabetic, has pancreatic disease, colitis, weighs about 100 lbs...I honestly don't know how he's still alive. He is still drinking.

He is getting to the point where he almost can't function in the real world; i.e., keeping his house clean, paying bills, feeding himself, taking his medication, etc. I get reports from his neighbors that he falls off the porch and hurts himself quite often; a few weeks ago I got a call from the E.R. that he had broken a couple of ribs and hurt his neck. [I live @5-hour drive from him.]

I stay awake nights trying to think of a "fix" to this situation. And then I agonize over whether it's my place to even TRY to fix it. Do I keep the money going to him, even though it's enabling him to buy booze - or do I optimistically hope that he might be buying food or paying bills with it? And the hardest question of all is: Is he better off just slowly commiting suicide on his own terms, or being miserable in a lock-down rehab somewhere?

And I'm also feeling a bit resentful that my mom has put this off on me, while she can take the lofty "detached" route. It seems like she has set this up so that I can continue to enable him, but she can feel good about being detached.

I'm normally a very optimistic person, but this situation seems hopeless. We've seen him fall so many times, and he's bound to be in China by now he's dug so far down...I'm just immune to hope anymore that he will ever be sober. Is there a point where it's okay to give up and not feel riddled with guilt because you've given up?

Thanks for listening.

Justme57

Hi there ! you certainly have got a problem on your hands , my heart goes out to you !

I am an Alcoholic, so not really qualified to offer advice , but the ladies in Alanon are an awesome and brave bunch , who will, I am sure , be right along to help you out !

I have to say , that I can understand your resentment , you sure seem to be lumbered at the moment , but I am sure the Alanon crew can guide you in the right direction

Good Luck

HUGX
Lee

Jeff_C

It’s not just “the ladies� in Alanon, ya know. Since this is an “equal opportunity� dis-ease, the solutions are also applicable to both genders. But enough “chit chat“………..

I don’t know who said it, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world�, but not only do I believe it, I actually try to promote it, and while this is a “program of attraction rather than promotion�, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion the author must have been an Alanon.

I suppose the first lesson we learn when e get here is that “here�, simply isn’t about “them�, much as we will persist in the illusion� that it is. But then you already are aware of some of that as you raise the specter of YOUR need to “fix�. That’s what we do. We “fix� but of course it’s always ourselves that we devote our attention to. If we can manage that the rest of the world and it’s minions will do just fine without our interference, and pitiful attempts at “control�.

The too, as we go about our “work� we’ll discover, often for the very first time, just “who� it is that we are, which can lead directly to “who� we will be “happy joyous and free� It’s a wonderful way to live a life, exciting revelatory, satisfying, but of course it’s a day by day deal., and it all starts with the basics. F2F meetings, a sponsor, the work of the steps, the fellowship.---------------and here of course. This is a wonderful adjunct to a “program� of recovery, but make no mistake. In and of itself it does not constitute one.

Welcome to the site, and we’ll all pray to the Gods of cyberspace that we don’t crash and burn again. Well, we didn’t burn too much it seems. And a lot of folks did an amazing job in getting us back. It’s a great place and a wonderful mirror of where we are in our recovery at any given time. There’s a good deal of expertise, and a wealth of ES+H around, and now you’re part of that. Good stuff, and you’re right where you’re supposed to be.

fatcat

It’s heart breaking to watch a loved one self-destruct in front of your eyes isn’t it? It’s marginally worse to be made to feel responsible for an adults well being by so many people around you – that is your Mom, neighbours, authorities etc isn’t it? And finally, it’s horrific to imagine that, in the event something horrendous happens to your brother, there may have been something you could have done to prevent it isn’t it?

My dear – I could spend a few hours telling you why you are NOT responsible for your brother. You would have to start by understanding the disease concept of alchoholism. It will take you some time (or maybe it won’t) to understand the dynamics of addiction and to finally summarise that – there is no earthly thing you can do to help your brother. You can pray for him if you’re spiritually inclined – or even if you’re not. I personally happen to believe that works best!

Here’s what I would do. I would put my own best interests ahead of his if the two were in conflict. I would continue to provide him with the financial assistance as is designated by your mother because at some point that may help him survive long enough to get help. Also that amount was outlined by your mother and not by you. I would not provide one red cent more – and I would find a way to let him know this because boundaries have to be as clear as crystal. I would treat him with the utmost respect and love but I would stick to my guns as far as any boundaries are concerned. I would not rescue him from the immediate consequences of his actions. I would then find ways to help me live with my decisions regarding him through Alanon, church group, Coda meetings etc.etc. And I would then hand him over to God and sleep well at night.

But I’m not you……I am not walking in your shoes. Hopefully you’ll hear some more opinions soon and be able to choose what works best for you.

Please stay with us – we care about how YOU feel. Keep posting and keep learning. Hugs and peace to you.

Fatcat

DefofLov

It is not your fault...my answerz to your post are in the parentheses...