Stepson kicked out of rehab
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 8
Stepson kicked out of rehab
So after my last post, after intense discussion with numerous counselors and addiction specialists; we decided to let my stepson (17) back in the house under the condition that he was only going to the outpatient rehab and work. Transportation was arranged for him for both, he didn't have a car, nothing, he was attending school in the program per a special program they had. He made it 5 days in rehab.
We just got a call that he was out of the program for "promoting and glamorizing drug usage" including snorting pills, rolling blunts/joints and sexual harassment (talking about "f**cking all these bitches", "bitch you should be stripping for me", "why don't you model in your panties for me", those were the PG ones). Charges may be pending since he apparently grabbed a female counselor's butt.
I want to do nothing more right now then drive him to the ghetto, drop him off, and say that if he's such a "playa" and pimp - he can survive on the streets. f**cking kids these days, you're not Lil' (little?) Wayne, T-Pain or anybody else - you're a f**cking suburban, middle class, white kid. The ghetto will eat you alive, I know, I grew up in one. It's not somewhere anyone wants to be.
We just got a call that he was out of the program for "promoting and glamorizing drug usage" including snorting pills, rolling blunts/joints and sexual harassment (talking about "f**cking all these bitches", "bitch you should be stripping for me", "why don't you model in your panties for me", those were the PG ones). Charges may be pending since he apparently grabbed a female counselor's butt.
I want to do nothing more right now then drive him to the ghetto, drop him off, and say that if he's such a "playa" and pimp - he can survive on the streets. f**cking kids these days, you're not Lil' (little?) Wayne, T-Pain or anybody else - you're a f**cking suburban, middle class, white kid. The ghetto will eat you alive, I know, I grew up in one. It's not somewhere anyone wants to be.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Kaim,
I am so sorry! I don't even have words. I can only imagine that you would love to shake some sense into this kid.....if only that would work. Sigh.....j/k.......However, he's dangerously close to not being a "kid" in the legal sense. He apparently thinks he is already an adult.
My oldest is 12 so no wise words from me on what to do with a teenager. I'll be keeping you and your step-son in my thoughts and prayers though.
I am so sorry! I don't even have words. I can only imagine that you would love to shake some sense into this kid.....if only that would work. Sigh.....j/k.......However, he's dangerously close to not being a "kid" in the legal sense. He apparently thinks he is already an adult.
My oldest is 12 so no wise words from me on what to do with a teenager. I'll be keeping you and your step-son in my thoughts and prayers though.
Not John
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wentzvile
Posts: 21
I'm so sorry. We had taken in my daughter's boyfriend for 7mos and when it was clear he was relapsing, we asked him to go to rehab and he agreed. He also got kicked out within a short time. He was buying drugs from someone there. We did not allow him to come back and live with us but he was over at the house visiting last week and stole a check from me and cashed it the next day. So, now he's in jail and can't believe no one will bail him out.
The tough love this is a heartbreaker, but with some of them it seems like they will eventually make it clear that they won't learn in any easier way. I hope you have peace with whatever step you have to take next.
The tough love this is a heartbreaker, but with some of them it seems like they will eventually make it clear that they won't learn in any easier way. I hope you have peace with whatever step you have to take next.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Sounds like stepson has a long ways to go before something takes the wind out of his sails.
Now that he is kicked out of rehab, therefore violating the condition he attend rehab, what next?
Sending you lots of hugs of support!
Now that he is kicked out of rehab, therefore violating the condition he attend rehab, what next?
Sending you lots of hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by tjp613 
How long before he turns 18? Might want to get a big wall calendar and start X-ing off the days. That might be a visual he can relate to.
I am so sorry you're going through this. It seems all the middle class white kids who start playing around with drugs seem to glamorize the ghetto. They don't have friends anymore, everybody is "my n-gga", they wear their pants doen to the ankles, their hats on backwards, and think they are rap stars.
When I was young my mother would say "your face will freeze that way" when I was making an expression she didn't like. These kids will turn their ghetto personas into self- fulfilling prophecies...but when they wake up actually living that life it might be too late to recover what they've lost.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I agree, it is disgusting how our kids emulate the worst scourge of drug usage. I have seen posts on my sons facebook (and he is 22!) that make my toes curl. They glamorize drugs, they all use the same slang and have no respect for anything.
I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you are able to keep some sense of order until he is old enough for you to let him go on his own and be responsible entirely for his actions.
I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you are able to keep some sense of order until he is old enough for you to let him go on his own and be responsible entirely for his actions.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Just an afterthought...
When my AD came to me at age 17 and told me she was pregnant, I wasn't surprised but it was still an emotional upheaval for me (and I'm sure for her too).
I had already been through the wringer with her...inpatient rehab, which included me driving 80 miles to the facility 3 times a week for family sessions. I was working long hard hours as a dishwasher at the time.
We had done family and individual counseling locally, SRS had helped me with parenting classes for teens, you name it, I had done it, and to no avail.
I told her that kicking her out wasn't the solution, I gave her a hug, and made it clear that her job was to continue her education. She was in 11th grade.
After countless days of her refusing to go to school, sneaking out at night to be with baby's daddy, I called a family meeting.
Her father and I had been divorced since '89, but he came to participate, as well as his 2nd wife, a lovely lady.
After much discussion, we adults came to the conclusion that we were going to sign emancipation papers for her and cut her loose. She was not fulfilling her obligation to education.
Her dad made it clear to that he would no longer pay child support, that it was up to baby's daddy to care for her on his dime. Shortly after that, she moved in with her now EXAH.
There comes a time when all has been done that is possible and you just have to cut them loose.
It is not a decision I regret making.
When my AD came to me at age 17 and told me she was pregnant, I wasn't surprised but it was still an emotional upheaval for me (and I'm sure for her too).
I had already been through the wringer with her...inpatient rehab, which included me driving 80 miles to the facility 3 times a week for family sessions. I was working long hard hours as a dishwasher at the time.
We had done family and individual counseling locally, SRS had helped me with parenting classes for teens, you name it, I had done it, and to no avail.
I told her that kicking her out wasn't the solution, I gave her a hug, and made it clear that her job was to continue her education. She was in 11th grade.
After countless days of her refusing to go to school, sneaking out at night to be with baby's daddy, I called a family meeting.
Her father and I had been divorced since '89, but he came to participate, as well as his 2nd wife, a lovely lady.
After much discussion, we adults came to the conclusion that we were going to sign emancipation papers for her and cut her loose. She was not fulfilling her obligation to education.
Her dad made it clear to that he would no longer pay child support, that it was up to baby's daddy to care for her on his dime. Shortly after that, she moved in with her now EXAH.
There comes a time when all has been done that is possible and you just have to cut them loose.
It is not a decision I regret making.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
It's amazing how tough one can be with a cash umbilical plugged
into your a**.
>>>>The ghetto will eat you alive, I know, I grew up in one. It's not somewhere anyone wants to be<<<<
Kaim,you are wise.
into your a**.
>>>>The ghetto will eat you alive, I know, I grew up in one. It's not somewhere anyone wants to be<<<<
Kaim,you are wise.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
Hi Kaim,
So sorry you have to go through this. My kid is fond of the word "n*gga" too--and is just one more dumb-a$$ white suburban kid.
Whatever comes down the pike, I'm pulling for you and know you will get awesome suggestions here.
And I LOVE the calendar idea!
So sorry you have to go through this. My kid is fond of the word "n*gga" too--and is just one more dumb-a$$ white suburban kid.
Whatever comes down the pike, I'm pulling for you and know you will get awesome suggestions here.
And I LOVE the calendar idea!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
There are kids from the middle-upper class suburbs that travel 1hr+ to the West side of Chicago to buy heroin. In some neighborhoods the police have given up. They are indirectly contributing to the violence of the inner-city. Gangs are shooting each other over the drug trade. Suburban addicts are helping to the demand & there is and will be a supply. Having spent time living in the "ghetto" and the suburbs, I will take living in the suburbs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
When my husband and I enrolled our 16 year old son in a drug and alcohol abuse program for teens (similar to AA or NA) he embraced the program for the first six weeks or so. My husband and I were ecstatic. Then the bottom dropped out. He went back to wanting to be with his old drug using crowd and after about a month of his change of attitude, he was asked to leave the program. He was a bad influence in the group. I was extremely disappointed to say the least.
What caused his change of heart? A girl in the program that he had asked to go with him to one of the program's functions. She had already accepted another boy's invite. My son's nose was bent out of shape over her rejection.
My son was not ready for what this group had to offer him at the time. Fast forward 11 years later, my son a heroin addict and in rehab, and the situation is different. He wants help for his addiction--not for a date with a pretty girl (not that a date was possible since it was men only at his rehab).
Oddly enough (or not so odd as God has His ways of pulling things together for the good) the counselor at my son's rehab knew the counselor at the teen program who asked our son to leave. This was one bit of reassurance to me that things would be different this time.
After rehab and some counseling, my son began to consider being a substance abuse counselor himself--for teens. Whether he pursues this avenue is yet to be seen.
With your son it is very clear from his attitude he is not ready to go to rehab. He may arrive later, though. It is tough for parents to see our kids self destruct. There is no other way to arrive but through the pain and sorrow drug addiction brings with it.
What caused his change of heart? A girl in the program that he had asked to go with him to one of the program's functions. She had already accepted another boy's invite. My son's nose was bent out of shape over her rejection.
My son was not ready for what this group had to offer him at the time. Fast forward 11 years later, my son a heroin addict and in rehab, and the situation is different. He wants help for his addiction--not for a date with a pretty girl (not that a date was possible since it was men only at his rehab).
Oddly enough (or not so odd as God has His ways of pulling things together for the good) the counselor at my son's rehab knew the counselor at the teen program who asked our son to leave. This was one bit of reassurance to me that things would be different this time.
After rehab and some counseling, my son began to consider being a substance abuse counselor himself--for teens. Whether he pursues this avenue is yet to be seen.
With your son it is very clear from his attitude he is not ready to go to rehab. He may arrive later, though. It is tough for parents to see our kids self destruct. There is no other way to arrive but through the pain and sorrow drug addiction brings with it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Justfor1
There are kids from the middle-upper class suburbs that travel 1hr+ to the West side of Chicago to buy heroin. In some neighborhoods the police have given up. They are indirectly contributing to the violence of the inner-city. Gangs are shooting each other over the drug trade. Suburban addicts are helping to the demand & there is and will be a supply. Having spent time living in the "ghetto" and the suburbs, I will take living in the suburbs.
She was one of those NW suburban white kids making the daily treck to the West Side open air markets. They were robbed at gun point and returned the next day. I am grateful for not knowing just how bad it got.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
However our kids "pose" as addicts, they are still addicts. Just to add to the mix, mine was the hippy, artsy, intellectual type teenage heroin addict.
I am so sorry for your situation, Kaim. Yes to the calendar idea, at least for your own measurement.
It doesn't matter whether they are long gone from home, emancipated, or far away, we still worry. But somehow, because 18 is the legal age, that helped me. AND everyone else kept reminding me of it, so I finally got the message and I am now doing my own recovery work to back off and detach with love.
My hunch is that the posing will stop when he actually has to face the real world consequences of his behavior, his addiction, his choices. When a kid from the real ghetto calls him out on it, when he gets arrested, in jail, etc. You and his mom just have to let some of this happen. We are part of the "helicopter parent" generation and if we have addicted children, we are in trouble!!! Requires a complete re-learning of what we have culturally understood as "good" parenting.
Take care. Make a plan. Keep us posted. We are here for you. And if you find yourself in the car, driving to the ghetto with the 17 y.o. AS, well, so be it. Lessons come in all shapes and sizes.
I am so sorry for your situation, Kaim. Yes to the calendar idea, at least for your own measurement.
It doesn't matter whether they are long gone from home, emancipated, or far away, we still worry. But somehow, because 18 is the legal age, that helped me. AND everyone else kept reminding me of it, so I finally got the message and I am now doing my own recovery work to back off and detach with love.
My hunch is that the posing will stop when he actually has to face the real world consequences of his behavior, his addiction, his choices. When a kid from the real ghetto calls him out on it, when he gets arrested, in jail, etc. You and his mom just have to let some of this happen. We are part of the "helicopter parent" generation and if we have addicted children, we are in trouble!!! Requires a complete re-learning of what we have culturally understood as "good" parenting.
Take care. Make a plan. Keep us posted. We are here for you. And if you find yourself in the car, driving to the ghetto with the 17 y.o. AS, well, so be it. Lessons come in all shapes and sizes.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Originally Posted by outtolunch
.
She was one of those NW suburban white kids making the daily treck to the West Side open air markets. They were robbed at gun point and returned the next day. I am grateful for not knowing just how bad it got.
She was one of those NW suburban white kids making the daily treck to the West Side open air markets. They were robbed at gun point and returned the next day. I am grateful for not knowing just how bad it got.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I did the unthinkable and feel no regret. When my 16 yr old son entered his last program, I was very clear about my boundaries with him. He decided to test it out. I told him if he got kicked out, he was not coming home. He got kicked out, I begged for them to keep him, the director finally agreed and then my son got kicked out again. They called me to pick him out and I refused.
I called DCF and told them I was a parent in need of services. I got some threats of abandonment charges but I held my ground. I also had 4 letters from different professional advising me not to allow him home.
The director of the program supported my decision as well. I made the decision that I would no longer love him into his grave, live in fear of him, or have one more thing stolen from me.
Nothing changes if nothing changes!! He has been given many new opportunities - I pray he takes advantage of them. He is happy to have a fresh start, a new high school and the chance to make new friends. Just recently he said "Mom, thank you for giving me life back."
I called DCF and told them I was a parent in need of services. I got some threats of abandonment charges but I held my ground. I also had 4 letters from different professional advising me not to allow him home.
The director of the program supported my decision as well. I made the decision that I would no longer love him into his grave, live in fear of him, or have one more thing stolen from me.
Nothing changes if nothing changes!! He has been given many new opportunities - I pray he takes advantage of them. He is happy to have a fresh start, a new high school and the chance to make new friends. Just recently he said "Mom, thank you for giving me life back."
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
The director of the program supported my decision as well. I made the decision that I would no longer love him into his grave, live in fear of him, or have one more thing stolen from me.
Nothing changes if nothing changes!! He has been given many new opportunities - I pray he takes advantage of them. He is happy to have a fresh start, a new high school and the chance to make new friends. Just recently he said "Mom, thank you for giving me life back."
Nothing changes if nothing changes!! He has been given many new opportunities - I pray he takes advantage of them. He is happy to have a fresh start, a new high school and the chance to make new friends. Just recently he said "Mom, thank you for giving me life back."
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by GardenMama
And if you find yourself in the car, driving to the ghetto with the 17 y.o. AS, well, so be it. Lessons come in all shapes and sizes.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you Anaya - but it wasn't really wisdom or strength. I was in complete survival mode. I feared him coming home more then I feared the consequences of my decision. Fortunately, things are working out...right now!!
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