walkingwithgod

I wrote this in the Sept. thread, but thought I would post this here. What is weird about getting better or quitting is that I feel alone. I have a wife and daughter, but I just feel so wrapped in my own mind trying not to drink I feel isolated. Does this make sense to anyone?

firestorm090

Yep.

MIRecovery

This is the beauty of AA. You never have to feel alone again

Fernaceman

Completely makes sense. For me, it clarifies just how crazy and selfish my thinking has become and how obsessive my thinking is.

Even when NOT drinking, the focus is constantly on myself and how not to drink. Versus while drinking it is always on drinking too! Time to break the cycle.

Dunno how much sense that made but oh well lmao.

JohnnyOneDay

I agree totally with MIR!!

doggonecarl

"We live, as we dream--alone...."
--Joseph Conrad

The same thing could be said about recovery.

renaldo

Hopefully you don't feel alone here. I don't.

My Dad is a HAM radio buff. He goes to conventions. None of us kids cared about it. So when we were growing up, he went to the basement and talked to his HAM friends around the world on his HAM radio after dinner. Not unlike what you're doing here on the internet. No one wants to hear this jargon if it's not their schtick.

I'm a fence straddler. My two main musical interests are North Indian Classical music and 70's progressive rock, especially Scandinavian. I long since gave up on turning fans of either genre onto the other. It just alienated them.

So, maybe you can find some in person meetings in your area where folks will understand how important sobriety is to you.

If I were your wife or your kid, I probably wouldn't want to hear too much about it either - any more than I'd want to witness my wife and her friends playing Enya and doing goddess dances together swirling burning sage around.

That may be how your focus seems to them. You can just say something like, "I had some good interactions today. It went well."

Both of my best friend's parents were alkies, so I never hesitate to tell him about my trials and tribulations with the old fire water. We talk about all kinds of stuff. I've learned a lot about history and archaeology from him, and he's learned a lot about music from me. I cherish that relationship so much because it's so rare. No subject is off the table.

Then I've got another friend and our major intersection in tastes is astronomy and polar exploration.

Then I've got another friend and our common interests are 60's psychedelic music and film - especially film noir. He feigns interest when I try to expand the topic of conversation, but I can see in his eyes that he doesn't really care. However, I would be hard pressed to find anyone as knowledgeable about film noir and 60's psychedelic music than him. I had learned my lesson before I met him, and so I've never played him a scrap of Indian music or even mentioned it.

If this forum isn't enough, I would suggest finding an in person meeting of some sort. They'll all be talking your language there. Perhaps you already have.

I finally found a really great therapist and that has helped me a lot. I've had a number of therapists and thought they weren't that effective. Could be I wasn't ready to open up fully and was still in denial. I always chose female therapists because I thought they would be more open with their emotions.

Turns out I found a male therapist who was open with his emotions. It took decades, but I finally tried a different tack and guess what? It worked.

If you can't be completely honest about who you are, it limits things. Then again, that's what therapists are for and your family might not want to know every detail of your struggle. Just to know whether it's going well or not.

Hope that helps. I've recently joined this forum, so if you do have meetings in your area and are attending them, I don't know what else to suggest. It's just always good to spend time with like minded people.

Willie Nelson was the guest host for Saturday Night Live once and he was in a sketch where he went into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half of it while chatting with the bartender and then left.

I can't stand bars, but if I crack a beer from the fridge at home and don't finish it, you'd better believe I'll put it back in the fridge and drink the rest the next day.

I was over my astronomer friend's house. He nursed a beer for a couple of hours and then when we left he said, "What should I do with the rest of this beer? Oh, I guess I'll just pour it down the drain," which he did. Doesn't describe any behavior I've ever engaged in.

Normies can't be expected to understand the alkie mentality.

FreeFall

Yes, it's a solitary process. I'm finding it odd because I've always focused on everyone but myself so it feels selfish sometimes. Right now I'm feeling guilty for being on SR instead of getting things done. It does feel like something private, and it is isolating, but I think that's how we heal. Keeping the focus on getting well-you can't do everything at once. Hopefully as we get further along we can be more sociable and feel less like we're on a deserted island.

walkingwithgod

I still have a nice time with my wife and daughter, but I am thinking of having a drink a lot of the time. I feel like I am always saying "no, you cannot drink!"

Weasel1966

Walking.... This is astonishing. I just said to myself after speaking with my partner that I have never felt so alone. He did not understand what I was saying about being sober. The is no one I can go to that gets what this is like and what I am saying sometimes.

So to see this thread as the first thing when I got on SR was like wow. I feel that way at this moment.

So yeah. I get it.

Dee74

Recovery is an individual thing - our families may not understand it - we may feel removed from them, and from the entire world a little...but we're not alone WWG.

Thats why places like this, other recovery sites, and all those many recovery programmes, exist.

There's a multitude of support from a multiplicity of sources from people who understand - all we need to do is reach out

D

Purplecatlover

WWG, I think anytime change takes place, it feels strange, alien, foreign, isolated. Like no one understands but we all do.
I myself am 9 months sober, very rarely have thoughts/urges to drink. I was going along in life, growing, everything falling into place & wham I got laid off from my job.
I was a stellar employee, highly regarded in my field.
I realized God has another plan for me. I'm good with it, still don't want to drink.
But today, I felt so alone. Even though my husband is here.
I concluded that its just the change in routine, the extra time I have now. Time when I was working, time when you were drinking. Time seems to slow down when you're not drinking it away.
But I know I will get used to it, I will adapt.
You will too. Just keep going & don't give up.
We are all here. On the same planet, looking for the same thing....freedom from addiction.

Ps I think when we feel alone, it is God lightly knocking on your heart b/c He wants to talk to you. Just my opinion.

Sapling

I really enjoyed that post renaldo....Good stuff...But you are spot on about hanging with like minded people.....That's what I get in AA....I probably have 10 different meetings I can go to within 15 minutes of my house....And I know people in all of them.....Like minded people...Doing what I'm doing...Celebrating victories with them...And encouraging the struggling....I'd be nuts to be doing this alone.....Funny thing is....No matter where I go in the world....I can find them.

jennikate

For me, the obsession to drink has left. I'm not saying it hasn't crossed my mind ever but it is rare and the thought doesn't have that urgency it once had. Before I would think about it all the time. It wore me down after awhile. The difference for me this time is AA. It has helped me to free my mind.

dSober

"No matter where I go in the world....I can find them."

Nevr thought about that before Sapling, thanks. It's comforting to know. In fact many of those same people are online right here right now.

renaldo

sapling and walkingwithgod,
This does address the quote above, so bear with me. Maybe it will help those who read it get their minds off their own personal struggles for a bit and highlight how we're all in this together.

I was in the office at an Indian music school here in America and I mentioned that I was going to Iceland. One of the office workers said, "oh we got a fax from a guy in Iceland asking about instruments from the instrument shop."

I took down his address and wrote him a letter saying I'd be happy to make him some tapes (cassettes - I'm dating myself here) of Indian music if he could give me some pointers on what gear to bring. He wrote me back and said, "you come stay with me."

I read that the best gift to give an Icelander was booze because it was so expensive there (heavily taxed to discourage alcoholism - which didn't work. People just worked 2 jobs to afford it, but the government made a lot of money off of it, which made it the wealthiest European country at the time). Although I made this guy a bunch of tapes of rare stuff, I figured if he was going to let me stay at his place, he deserved more than that, so I bought him a big old bottle of Jack Daniels. What could be more American than that?

When I got there he said he didn't drink, eat red meat, or have sex because he was a disciple of Sri Chinmoy (John McLaughlin and Carlos Santana's guru back in the day - and perhaps still). Chinmoy had established an International Peace Center in Iceland.

I said, "well, just give this whiskey to one of your friends," and he said, "they're all Sri Chinmoy disciples too." So I drank the whole bottle myself and after going over maps, I strapped on my rucksack and struck out into the wilderness.

The next time I went to visit this guy 5 years later I didn't bring any booze. He said, "oh, I drink and eat red meat now. I got tired of the Sri Chinmoy thing because he said no drinking and no sex."

So we got ********* at bars and at his house. In Iceland they say that if you drink all weekend you're normal, but if you drink during the week, you're an alcoholic. I got to see the truth in that as we drank literally all weekend in the summer midnight sun, never going to sleep at all.

On Monday I strapped on my rucksack and headed out into the wilderness. I was younger then. My body could handle it.

When I returned we drank even more. My friend said that he wanted to quit and would I like to go to an AA meeting. I said sure. We had gotten drunk and maudlin the night before and I realized I needed help too. He said we'd go when he got back from work.

While he was gone, the Icelandic Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on the door. Yup, they're not just in America. They had their literature in Icelandic.

My friend returned from work with a bunch of beer, so the AA meeting never happened.

But kids, remember - alcohol is bad for you. When he was sober he was one person. When he was drunk, considerably different. He had a cat and said, "this is the nicest animal I've ever had," as he picked it up and dangled it by it's tail and it struggled to free itself. I don't think he would have done that sober - and I wouldn't have done it under the influence of anything. That's because I'm so level headed when I'm drunk (ha ha).

Delilah1

Walkingwithgod

I appreciate your post, and all of the responses. I have a husband, three kids, and a job Asa principal. I am always surrounded by people, and engaged in co versations, yet as I type right now I feel very alone.

I am only on day five, but the longest I have gone without alcohol other than pregnancies is 16 days. So, I keep setting little goals for myself: 17 days, 30 days, making it through the holidays...

So here I sit typing, knowing that I won't be judged about how I am feeling.

Hopefully this alone feeling goes away soon.

renaldo

One nanosecond at a time.

quitforme79

Totally get it. I feel that way too BUT when I come on here, or go to AA I don't feel so alone. It's hard for non-alkies to understand what we are going thru. Early in, it's about finding ways to cope with that voice that wants you to drink. It is kind of hard to focus on much else. For me anyway. But with each day it gets a little easier. I hear it takes time and work...right now I am trusting the veterans with sobriety who tell me to hold on because if left to my own defenses I'd have jumped off the wagon by now.

Weasel1966

Walking.... To make the whole day a coincidence., I was at my meeting last night. The guy next to me shared.

Guess what he said?

My wife does not get what we as alcoholics have to do. Not many do. Our families may not understand. But I, he said, am here for me. They don't need to understand, I do.

So your feelings seem kinda normal if ya ask me.

Sometimes I wished my feeling were not so normal. Then I can find yet another excuse in what ever it is I feel.

Anyway. Thought I would mention that since you came to mind instantly. And it made me smile at the meeting.

Hope you day is a good one today.

K