grenade

I have been a substance abuser for 16+ years, about half my life. My substance of choice is alcohol, for the past year I have not gone more than 2 or 3 days without a drink and because of this my life has been turned upside down. I lost my job, my girlfriend (love of my life) and my apartment, I hate who I have become. Last night I blacked out for about 4 or 5 hours and can not recall a damn thing. I woke up this morning with a random person in my bed and a huge hole in one of my walls, I think i threw a chair. I also managed to drunk dial a ton of people like the ex girlfriend. Im so embarrassed and full of guilt right now that it is hard for me not to want to crawl under a rock somewhere and just die. I need to stop drinking, I want to stop drinking but after 2 or 3 days the urge to get drunk or high hits me like a ton of bricks, being the weak willed individual that I have become I give into temptation and end up getting wasted. The next day I beat myself up and end up wanting to drink or smoke to escape the feelings of guilt and or anxiety. My entire adult life has been affected by my SA problems and I need to stop this wreck-less behavior before it is too late. I am about to relocate from NJ to FL and move in with my mom and sister, I need to clean up now and start fresh but I have very little support since my family does not the full extent of my SA problems. I am scared yet optimistic that I can do this, I deserve better.

Change4Better

Welcome to SR! This is a great place to find support. Congrats on Day 1! After abt three or four days my cravings hit hard too. My plan is to put myself somewhere where the cravings can hit all they want, but I won't have an outlet to give in to them. Probably an AA meeting but I dunno. I'll drive to the top of the nearest mountain and sit there all night to prevent that awful morning after guilt! Good luck on your journey and we're all here for you! :-)

coming_clean

My biggest fall down using drugs and booze and such.
Was after the love of my life dumped me.

trikuza

I hear ya man, I kept messing things up with my girlfriend (now x girlfriend) and my parents. I blacked out 16 days ago and got in a fist fight with my brother in front of my parents. Thats when I decided to get sober and get my act together. You might feel like everythings gone to ****, and if it has...the only way you can go now is up.

grenade

yes when my girl cut me off I went totally off the deep end, just now i am starting to cope but not after making a fool out of myself repeatedly.

grenade

I am taking things one day at a time. Good luck to you on your journey.

trikuza

my girlfriend had actually convinced me to stop drinking. After two months of not drinking we broke up and then I went back to boozin my ass off.

coming_clean

Thinking back of those days...
I was CRAZY.
A broken heart can make you do very stupid things.
I did phonecalls to the X, and new X'es.
Sober.
Who is the bigger fool LOL.
Take care dude.
Ur not alone in this.

MrsKing

Welcome to SR.

My life used to be chaos, too. I would drink excessively and make so many mistakes and a complete idiot of myself, and seem to totally forget what alcohol did to me the next time I wanted a drink. The most important thing is to prepare yourself now for the times in the future that you will want a drink. See those moments in your mind and decide how you will deal with them and how you will say no. Look up AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique) to help deal with thoughts of drinking, if you'd like. AA is also another option. Whatever you decide to do, you need to believe in yourself and trust that you will not drink when cravings/temptations hit. SR is always here to support you, also.

Wishing you all the best.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Grenade

This place helped me turn my life around - I hope you can do the same

D

CommunityDawn

Grenade, good on you for making a decision which will help you lead a better life. As you know, I'm on day 1 too and understand the frustration of all those short-lived attempts to quit and the self-whipping which comes along with that! I know the fear and the loneliness too. As you have guessed, support is going to be crucial.
You said that you're relocating to start a fresh life with family but that your family doesn't know the full extent of your SA problems. I get the feeling that part of you wants to tell them so that you can get the support that you need from your family but that there's another part of you who is afraid about how they would react if you were open with them. Have they been supportive in the past when you've told them about your genuine struggles? They might just be able to give you the extra support that you need.
Hang in there. (((Hugs))).

grenade

My family is aware of my SA problems but they dont know that im blackout drunk a few times a week. They also have no clue about my pill popping weakness. I will come totally clean with them in time, i just dont want to scare anyone esp my 65y/o mom. I may go to a group or something if i cant keep my SA in check but im hoping to muscle this out with shear determination. Thanks for your well wishes and all the best to you!!

least

Welcome to the family!

CommunityDawn

I totally understand that you need to find your own time to tell your family. Just knowing that they are around you will help you to feel supported in other ways. I think that attending a group would give you the extra social support that you'll be needing, especially since you're relocating. Then, of course, there's SR.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Grenade I am sure you will find lots of support here x

grenade

I failed miserably at my attempt at sobriety. Its day 1 again for me this time I will make it. I am in a new state, living in a nice house but I seem to be up to my old tricks again. Just this past weekend, I went a huge festival near my house and ended up drinking, driving, smoking pot (which I have managed to slow down DRAMATICALLY since October) and then losing my VERY expensive car keys. Oh well maybe it was a sign from god to have stayed off the road that night or something way more costly could have occurred. Regardless, here I am again. Wish me luck!!! =)

MurphysMistress

I feel for you Grenade....but the fact that you are aware of your issues and KEEP ON TRYING to stop is a good thing. My family had no idea just how bad things had gotten until just recently...I'm good at hiding things.

I know what a broken heart can do....that's what sent me spiraling off the deep end as well...and I also have blacked out more times than I can count. About a month ago I threw my $600 phone -a gift from my ex - against the tv & shattered it. In my drunken state, I was having a hard time texting someone and of course I blamed it on the phone, so I fired it across the room. I was trying to print some photography one night and bashed the sh*t outta my very expensive photo printer because it wouldn't work...it was turned off - stupid. Too often, I would wake up with bruises and injuries...having no idea where they all came from. It sucks.

I only have a week under my belt and just joined at about 1am today (insomnia), while I feel good now, I'm not gonna fool myself into thinking it's gonna be smooth sailing, I know what I'm capable of.

I'm happy to have found this place and glad you have too. Good luck!!

grenade

Thanks for sharing and all the best. I know Im on a slippery slope but I cant keep going the way I am or I fear the worst. My driving and driving and promiscuous sexual behavior is only going to lead to my destruction.

Dee74

Sorry to see you still struggling grenade - but good to see you back
I think you're right to be concerned - what's your plan?
D

grenade

Stop the drink, change my diet, exersize more often and sleep right. I have the time on my hand to do that now, as I transition into a new career field and change my life for the better.