Guilty and Ashamed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 248
Guilty and Ashamed
Hello everyone-
I am new here. My BF is an addict - sober from drugs of any sort for six years. He does, however, still drink, so that is another story.
Last April, he was working as a restaurant manager and he befriended this server who was in recovery. For awhile he had a compulsion to help people who were recovering - really, he was enabling them - giving them money, being there at all hours when they called with the "itch" etc. He has a good heart, but he didn't seem to realize that he was no guidance counselor and that he was putting his own sobriety at risk by being around active addicts.
So anyway, this girl really latched on to him. I found some texts she sent him saying she was going back to stripping and asking him to come see her dance, etc. He turned her down, of course, but they ANGERED me. How dare she try to lure him in to that kind of life again! How dare she try to entice him to cheat on me!
Logically I know she didn't care about anything but getting someone who would care for her and give her money.
He even ended up losing his position as a manager because of his attempts to cover for her when she was high. (He will never do that again - learned his lesson the hard way!)
Turns out the girl died of an overdose two months ago. He just found out.
The problem is, I am still so angry at her. And I am also angry at her for dying and being just one more friend he had who didn't make it. And I am angry at him for having been so stupid as to get close to her. And I am angry at myself for being angry at someone who suffered a lot and died in her addiction. And angry at myself for loving someone with such poor judgement as to try to save someone with that ig of a problem - risking his job and my anger. It was selfish - trying to make himself feel good at my expense and the expense of our family.
The worst part is, a small part of me is glad she is dead. That way she won't resurface and cause more problems, or try to. (I doubt he would fall for it now - as I said, he learned his lesson.)
Sigh.
Thanks for listening.
I am new here. My BF is an addict - sober from drugs of any sort for six years. He does, however, still drink, so that is another story.
Last April, he was working as a restaurant manager and he befriended this server who was in recovery. For awhile he had a compulsion to help people who were recovering - really, he was enabling them - giving them money, being there at all hours when they called with the "itch" etc. He has a good heart, but he didn't seem to realize that he was no guidance counselor and that he was putting his own sobriety at risk by being around active addicts.
So anyway, this girl really latched on to him. I found some texts she sent him saying she was going back to stripping and asking him to come see her dance, etc. He turned her down, of course, but they ANGERED me. How dare she try to lure him in to that kind of life again! How dare she try to entice him to cheat on me!
Logically I know she didn't care about anything but getting someone who would care for her and give her money.
He even ended up losing his position as a manager because of his attempts to cover for her when she was high. (He will never do that again - learned his lesson the hard way!)
Turns out the girl died of an overdose two months ago. He just found out.
The problem is, I am still so angry at her. And I am also angry at her for dying and being just one more friend he had who didn't make it. And I am angry at him for having been so stupid as to get close to her. And I am angry at myself for being angry at someone who suffered a lot and died in her addiction. And angry at myself for loving someone with such poor judgement as to try to save someone with that ig of a problem - risking his job and my anger. It was selfish - trying to make himself feel good at my expense and the expense of our family.
The worst part is, a small part of me is glad she is dead. That way she won't resurface and cause more problems, or try to. (I doubt he would fall for it now - as I said, he learned his lesson.)
Sigh.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Hello CactusJill,
You are surely a swirl of negative emotions. Jealousy, resentment, guilt, shame, love, fear, and pain. All in what you have written here.
Is that your sobriety date there, May 15 of this year? Last using day of drugs or alcohol? So, about six months?
If so, please allow yourself the gift of getting well over time. I am a codependent, not an addict, so I can't speak to you as someone who knows what it is to be six months sober and struggling with painful emotions, some of which are dark. But I know that many of us here can say that we, too, have had dark feelings, and wished harm on others, and have known jealousy and resentment and feelings of betrayal and fear of abandonment. As codependents we have experienced these feelings directly as a result of being not only in relationship or family with an alcoholic or addict, but also as a result of being traumatized in our earlier lives by painful experiences of abuse or abandonment.
So what I want to share with you is that I hope you will find someone there, a sponsor with plenty of recovery and long life experience, or a counselor, and work this through with that person, do a Fourth Step Inventory, so you can release all this mix of feelings about the dead girl, your boyfriend, and what all this is doing to you.
Not only will it help you find some real self-understanding and self-forgiveness. It will also help you to stay sober. We all hurt. We all want to escape it. But addicts and codependents alike, we have to take responsibility for our issues and face them and talk about them and place our pain and confusion in the hands of our Higher Power to heal us from the devastating effects on us.
God bless the lost young woman who went looking for escape in drugs and men to try to survive whatever pain she was running from. God bless your boyfriend, who continues to be vulnerable to the negative outcomes of addiction and codependency.
And God bless you, as you face all these feelings in you with honesty and, hopefully by grace, come to a better understanding of their true origin.
I, too, in my history, have been jealous, possessive, insecure, angry. I can say that for me it was all the result of an absence of genuine self-worth and self-love, which began for me in childhood abandonment by both parents.
When we feel secure in ourselves spiritually, when we have genuine self-worth and unshakable self-love, we are not so vulnerable to the darker primitive emotions controlling us. They may still come from time to time. But they won't ruin our lives anymore. But finding that kind of center takes work. We have to do our work. Because what it all is really about, is oneself. Not them out there.
I hope you get to a place of peace.
You are surely a swirl of negative emotions. Jealousy, resentment, guilt, shame, love, fear, and pain. All in what you have written here.
Is that your sobriety date there, May 15 of this year? Last using day of drugs or alcohol? So, about six months?
If so, please allow yourself the gift of getting well over time. I am a codependent, not an addict, so I can't speak to you as someone who knows what it is to be six months sober and struggling with painful emotions, some of which are dark. But I know that many of us here can say that we, too, have had dark feelings, and wished harm on others, and have known jealousy and resentment and feelings of betrayal and fear of abandonment. As codependents we have experienced these feelings directly as a result of being not only in relationship or family with an alcoholic or addict, but also as a result of being traumatized in our earlier lives by painful experiences of abuse or abandonment.
So what I want to share with you is that I hope you will find someone there, a sponsor with plenty of recovery and long life experience, or a counselor, and work this through with that person, do a Fourth Step Inventory, so you can release all this mix of feelings about the dead girl, your boyfriend, and what all this is doing to you.
Not only will it help you find some real self-understanding and self-forgiveness. It will also help you to stay sober. We all hurt. We all want to escape it. But addicts and codependents alike, we have to take responsibility for our issues and face them and talk about them and place our pain and confusion in the hands of our Higher Power to heal us from the devastating effects on us.
God bless the lost young woman who went looking for escape in drugs and men to try to survive whatever pain she was running from. God bless your boyfriend, who continues to be vulnerable to the negative outcomes of addiction and codependency.
And God bless you, as you face all these feelings in you with honesty and, hopefully by grace, come to a better understanding of their true origin.
I, too, in my history, have been jealous, possessive, insecure, angry. I can say that for me it was all the result of an absence of genuine self-worth and self-love, which began for me in childhood abandonment by both parents.
When we feel secure in ourselves spiritually, when we have genuine self-worth and unshakable self-love, we are not so vulnerable to the darker primitive emotions controlling us. They may still come from time to time. But they won't ruin our lives anymore. But finding that kind of center takes work. We have to do our work. Because what it all is really about, is oneself. Not them out there.
I hope you get to a place of peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
CactusJill,
Addiction DOES tend to bring out the worst in us,
and you have every right to feel the feelings that you
do.
(But this lady did pay her life for her mistakes.)
I am sure that one day not so very long ago she was
a little girl who dreamed of being a fairy princess
(or whatever little girls dream of----I cannot speak
with authority here....little boys dream of blowing
sh*t up!).
Now her time has passed and she has no more
tomorrows.She didn't ask for this----Noone would
pay the price of addiction if they knew the full purchase
price upfront.......noone.It is a real live living hell that
one would not wish upon their worst enemy.
I am as familiar as anyone with the darker angels
of our nature...."she deserved it","I am glad we are rid
of her"......etc.
But she was once someones baby daughter----and
dreamed of her future, and loved Disney story tales of
happily ever after.
Before the devil found a weakness in her armor,
and took her dreams away and replaced them with
strip clubs/seedy crap and broken dreams.
She was flawed.
So are we all.
Addiction DOES tend to bring out the worst in us,
and you have every right to feel the feelings that you
do.
(But this lady did pay her life for her mistakes.)
I am sure that one day not so very long ago she was
a little girl who dreamed of being a fairy princess
(or whatever little girls dream of----I cannot speak
with authority here....little boys dream of blowing
sh*t up!).
Now her time has passed and she has no more
tomorrows.She didn't ask for this----Noone would
pay the price of addiction if they knew the full purchase
price upfront.......noone.It is a real live living hell that
one would not wish upon their worst enemy.
I am as familiar as anyone with the darker angels
of our nature...."she deserved it","I am glad we are rid
of her"......etc.
But she was once someones baby daughter----and
dreamed of her future, and loved Disney story tales of
happily ever after.
Before the devil found a weakness in her armor,
and took her dreams away and replaced them with
strip clubs/seedy crap and broken dreams.
She was flawed.
So are we all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 248
Oh, I know she didn't deserve it! No one does. I am not saying that at all. I didn't know her well, but I am sure she was worth caring about. That wasn't my point. And for the record, of course I am not really glad she died. However, I will own the fact that I am glad that he won't be hearing from her again. I just wish it was because she had gone to a recovery center far, far away.
I just wanted to vent my anger so I COULD let it go. And now I feel I am closer to being able to do that. So thank you.
Part of the missing context: I have known my BF since we were kids - over 20 years - and I almost lost him once to drugs. So when someone like that starts to cling, and no, she was not looking for help at all, she was looking for someone to give her money and cover for her, I get angry. Recovery was definitely not on her agenda, she was in a court-ordered program. I kind of misspoke there. She was actively using almost every day, from what my BF told me. (Sorry I should have clarified). He fell for it because he sees himself in people like her. Understandably.
She doesn't need my forgiveness, her pain is over. But I need to forgive her, and him.
My sobriety date is from alcohol. And yes, that does feed into the negative emotions, because although I am what you might call a "high bottom drunk" I saw what was in the mail for me and stopped before I lost anything. And it scared the crap out of me!
It will take me a long time to work through all of this, I know. But I am trying, and I will.
I just wanted to vent my anger so I COULD let it go. And now I feel I am closer to being able to do that. So thank you.
Part of the missing context: I have known my BF since we were kids - over 20 years - and I almost lost him once to drugs. So when someone like that starts to cling, and no, she was not looking for help at all, she was looking for someone to give her money and cover for her, I get angry. Recovery was definitely not on her agenda, she was in a court-ordered program. I kind of misspoke there. She was actively using almost every day, from what my BF told me. (Sorry I should have clarified). He fell for it because he sees himself in people like her. Understandably.
She doesn't need my forgiveness, her pain is over. But I need to forgive her, and him.
My sobriety date is from alcohol. And yes, that does feed into the negative emotions, because although I am what you might call a "high bottom drunk" I saw what was in the mail for me and stopped before I lost anything. And it scared the crap out of me!
It will take me a long time to work through all of this, I know. But I am trying, and I will.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by CactusJill 
Oh, I know she didn't deserve it! No one does. I am not saying that at all. I didn't know her well, but I am sure she was worth caring about. That wasn't my point. And for the record, of course I am not really glad she died. However, I will own the fact that I am glad that he won't be hearing from her again. I just wish it was because she had gone to a recovery center far, far away.
I just wanted to vent my anger so I COULD let it go. And now I feel I am closer to being able to do that. So thank you.
Part of the missing context: I have known my BF since we were kids - over 20 years - and I almost lost him once to drugs. So when someone like that starts to cling, and no, she was not looking for help at all, she was looking for someone to give her money and cover for her, I get angry. Recovery was definitely not on her agenda, she was in a court-ordered program. I kind of misspoke there. She was actively using almost every day, from what my BF told me. (Sorry I should have clarified). He fell for it because he sees himself in people like her. Understandably.
She doesn't need my forgiveness, her pain is over. But I need to forgive her, and him.
My sobriety date is from alcohol. And yes, that does feed into the negative emotions, because although I am what you might call a "high bottom drunk" I saw what was in the mail for me and stopped before I lost anything. And it scared the crap out of me!
It will take me a long time to work through all of this, I know. But I am trying, and I will.
I just wanted to vent my anger so I COULD let it go. And now I feel I am closer to being able to do that. So thank you.
Part of the missing context: I have known my BF since we were kids - over 20 years - and I almost lost him once to drugs. So when someone like that starts to cling, and no, she was not looking for help at all, she was looking for someone to give her money and cover for her, I get angry. Recovery was definitely not on her agenda, she was in a court-ordered program. I kind of misspoke there. She was actively using almost every day, from what my BF told me. (Sorry I should have clarified). He fell for it because he sees himself in people like her. Understandably.
She doesn't need my forgiveness, her pain is over. But I need to forgive her, and him.
My sobriety date is from alcohol. And yes, that does feed into the negative emotions, because although I am what you might call a "high bottom drunk" I saw what was in the mail for me and stopped before I lost anything. And it scared the crap out of me!
It will take me a long time to work through all of this, I know. But I am trying, and I will.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
CactusJill,
We know you didn't think "she deserved it".My post was not intended to
disparage your pain in any way.We've ALL felt it.
Here's some honesty.....do you want to hear some of MY secret thoughts as
I was going through this?
"Stop hitting me up for all of my slush $......go make your own."
"You think I was a chump,but I KNOW where this path leads--even if you are too dumb
to know."
"the darker half of triage is deciding when someon is'nt going to make it."
"do you REALLY think I ever believed a SINGLE blessed word?"
"everytime I get a text from you....I cringe".
"the best thing I ever did was change my phone number".
Pretty cruel stuff,huh?
Vent all you want,CactusJill......none of us are going to take you
to task for it.
We know you didn't think "she deserved it".My post was not intended to
disparage your pain in any way.We've ALL felt it.
Here's some honesty.....do you want to hear some of MY secret thoughts as
I was going through this?
"Stop hitting me up for all of my slush $......go make your own."
"You think I was a chump,but I KNOW where this path leads--even if you are too dumb
to know."
"the darker half of triage is deciding when someon is'nt going to make it."
"do you REALLY think I ever believed a SINGLE blessed word?"
"everytime I get a text from you....I cringe".
"the best thing I ever did was change my phone number".
Pretty cruel stuff,huh?
Vent all you want,CactusJill......none of us are going to take you
to task for it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orillia, Ont., Canada
Posts: 165
Cactus Jill: I am new to recovery, last drink Apr 30th of this year, but I was a drinker for most of my adult life, with many periods of abstinence during that time, when I was what is often called a"dry drunk"; that is, as you likely know, not drinking, but not really in recovery either. My current sobriety does feel quite different than the prior ones, in that for the first time I do not feel like I am just between drinks, and this, I think, is because I have not only asked myself hard questions, but have been trying to answer them (via meetings of several kinds, not just AA, therapy, doing my best to be honest with myself, etc.--the usual stuff of recovery that I had never bothered to do before). The reason I qualify myself in this matter is both to say explicitly that I am no expert in recovery, so please remember that when reading this post, and to try to mitigate what may sound like a bit of a harsh post---it is intended to be honest, not harsh, as I have no reason to bear you any ill will. So, when you mention that you have known your boyfriend a very long time, and that he seems almost addicted to helping those in need, given that his giving such aid has cost him dearly (you mention his job in this instance), does it not seem very likely that in saying that the last person he tried to help is at least out of your life now that you are being technically, but not wholly truthfull. She is dead, so obviously she won't back. Given the history that you relate, is it not just as obvious to you that she will be back, different name, different appearance, minor differences in detail, but essentially the same person will crop up again. So be angry, be angry enough to find out why this behaviour is a pattern; find out why, as Dorothy Parker famously said, "It's not one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing after another". Given your recent sobriety date, you might also ask yourself just where you fit in, or if you fit into the set of people he has felt compelled to help. Anyway, sorry to sound harsh, if this does sound harsh--I truly do wish you a successful recovery---Rick btw, you do know that alcohol is a drug, so a former addict who drinks has not given up drugs
Last edited by ricmcc; 10-17-2012 at 04:04 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Cactus Jill,
there are many good posts in response to your thread.... the point that jumps out to me though is that you are new to recovery and your partner is in addict addiction. Alchohol is definitely a drug. You worry about him putting himself at risk but it sounds like you are doing the exact same thing.
Feelings that we have are simply mirrors that reflect back onto ourselves issues within ourselves. It's easy to project our uncomfortable feelings onto to others and hide from ourselves the real issues. I can hear your questions about what your feelings are really about and how to deal with them.....your boyfriend is where he is and are you willing to accept him as he is? There are times that I have had to accept not only how someone is but also, that I don't want to be part of a situation that is "like it is".
I think that it is great that you've recognized the damage that drinking can do .... I agree with English Garden in that early recovery is a time of very raw emotions. Really focusing on you and your recovery program (having a sponsor and working the steps) will help you as you move forward.
Sending you gentle hugs...
there are many good posts in response to your thread.... the point that jumps out to me though is that you are new to recovery and your partner is in addict addiction. Alchohol is definitely a drug. You worry about him putting himself at risk but it sounds like you are doing the exact same thing.
Feelings that we have are simply mirrors that reflect back onto ourselves issues within ourselves. It's easy to project our uncomfortable feelings onto to others and hide from ourselves the real issues. I can hear your questions about what your feelings are really about and how to deal with them.....your boyfriend is where he is and are you willing to accept him as he is? There are times that I have had to accept not only how someone is but also, that I don't want to be part of a situation that is "like it is".
I think that it is great that you've recognized the damage that drinking can do .... I agree with English Garden in that early recovery is a time of very raw emotions. Really focusing on you and your recovery program (having a sponsor and working the steps) will help you as you move forward.
Sending you gentle hugs...
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