Mizzuno

Yes Sir, I went absolutely bat s### crazy. I dont want to drink. I dont want to not drink. I dont want to be uncomfortable....I just dont want to have to go through these wretched growing pains. Is that what they are? These feelings of not being capable or able to maintain my sobriety are INSANE and LOUD and they really want to drag me down into the depths of my inner hell. This dark place is one that I try to not travel to.....I am light. So I wrestled around, even got in a argument with my partner. I then landed my self in the bathtub to cry and realize that no matter how hard i try....I will never get away from Alcohol.

If Im not drinking with obsession, I am trying to abstain with obsession, think about it with obsession....Its like I am a stalker. OMG! Im a stalker.

So here I sit, my happy sobriety hangs on a limb halfway between darkness and light inside of me. I am trying not to think.

dogmamma

I hear that. It feels like all I do is either drink, or read about former drunks, or research what to expect when you're a former drunk. It's a little exhausting. But I keep saying that obsessing about not drinking is the lesser of two evils. And I don't think it will always be this way once more sober time passes and life becomes about other things, according to the post of people who have been at this longer than we have (assuming you are relatively new too).

Hang in there, buddy. We can do this.

zanzibar

Things do get better once you get through what you are terming as growing pains. Which is a really good way of describing it.

Admiral

I used to get very restless, I wanted to punch a hole in the wall or claw at something until my fingers bled. This feeling often times comes with strong cravings, but it won't last.

There is an exercise I like to do sometimes, the results vary, usually I have more success during the afternoon because I'm not so tired, but you can do it at night too.

Lay down and breathe through your nose, start with your feet, tense them as much as you can without hurting yourself and hold for ten seconds, release and exhale. Move up to your lower legs and do the same, then upper legs, butt, abs, chest, upper arms, lower arms, hands, neck, face... That's just to get you warmed up, after that you should focus on your breathing and visualize some really nice place, or time period that you really liked. I have random images of summers when I was a kid, the kiddie pool in the back yard, the grass, specific days, or sometimes I just make up a place, I kind of let my mind decide. If you do this for long enough you eventually feel like you have melted and reach a place of extreme calm and quiet. I can't always get that far, but when I do I choose to stay like that for ten minutes or so. When you get up you'll feel really light and refreshed.

If you don't want to do that then do something, it is bad news to just sit there and fight back and forth with cravings, you have got to get engaged in an activity. I install guest operating systems on my computer, fold a difficult origami piece, write a story or play a game. Do whatever, just don't sit idle, you can do it!

HitRockBottom70

Mizzuno,
It really is a roller coaster ride for the first few months. Hang on tightly and it will get easier and you will think less about alcohol and drinking. Distraction can be a very effective technique. Listen to great music, go for a run, eat some chocolate... It will pass and each time will leave you with a little more strength.
Best wishes.

Dee74

Mizz,

like others have said - it's not always like this...
Don't lose hope - you're doing great

I started being obsessed with drinking...then not drinking...
slowly I learned to be not obsessed...or at least obsessed with good healthy stuff

there is a life without the dead weight of addiction, or its shadow, hanging around our necks.

: hows the looking for more support thing going?

D

Redviper

I've been reading and studying about alcoholism so much I can write my own book about it. I can't turn off this obsession with it. I am early in recovery and my urges almost cripple me mentally. I don't know when it gets better but I know my life is out of control with alcohol. It can't be any worse sober.

Mizzuno

I want to be able to tell you that i am reaching out and getting face to face support. I would like to say that.

I kind of feel like the odds are against me. (oh boy, I am feeling sorry for myself right now) Without real support from my husband I feel a little lost. My sister "knows" I will drink again. My husband says that he supports that i drink and supports that i dont drink. You see, he is a drinker. He tries to moderate.
So, my support is this place.

Itchy

Yep alcohol alleviates all the problems of life, except those caused by alcohol. Post, read, go to AA for goodness sake, anything but just waiting to talk yourself into picking up.
My wife is my AW. There is scotch and smokes for her in the house and I told her to go ahead and drink in front of me and smoke outside in front of me 2 years ago. I really don't care what anybody else does or thinks. I was going to die from this dis-ease by my own hand. I was scared spitless, helpless, and desperate.

Talk myself back into that helpless hopeless daily illness and pain?? I am not crazy!!

There is no feeling so bad, no situation so fearful, no way I will tell myself that it is outside of me or something other than me forcing me. Not now. Back when I was drinking I was helpless. Sober, I am completely in control. I can, and do, and will continue, to unequivocally scream in the face of any thought of drinking NOT ONLY NO! BUT HELL NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I don't get the urges at all anymore. I will never decide I am cured and try drinking normally again. I do not want it or crave it. It is out of my life, and with no effort now.

I am not deprived, I decided to survive.

Join me?

Mizzuno

Itchy- It truly is a personal decision. I still stand strong in not drinking. I know that as time passes I will feel better and the cravings will decrease. Why is it that i need this family support so bad? Am I putting this off onto other people?

Things will become more clear to me. I am doing this. Ive wanted this for so long. There is no reason to give up now. Just because life is complicated and hard ( ATM) that doesnt mean that I need to give up on myself.
I just feel at odds.
This is a safe place to talk.
I will find more support for myself other than my family members. My not drinking has kind of driven a wedge between me and the ones i love.....Husband included.
I will post here often and help others.
I will be alright. I am much better off this way.

HitRockBottom70

Mizzuno, we are making a huge change in our life. After many years of drinking its no wonder certain people don't believe we can do it and others would like you not to so they can have a drinking partner. This really is about us. I am doing this with SR as my support system too. It has worked for 5 months and things are getting easier. Posting does help.

Dee74

My family never understood either...they still don't....but as time's gone on they've seen the change in me, they like it and they respect my decision now.

I think sometimes recovery can be as hard, if not harder, on a spouse - we at least have some idea of what's going on in our head & why we need to change - they may not.

I've heard it said it takes around 90 days to reach a new emotional equillibrium - thats certainly been my experience.

Just as we grow in recovery, so, hopefully, will they - and those wedges will crumble, in time Mizzuno

D

Mizzuno

90 days for a reset of emotional equilibrium? I'll give it a whirl. If it doesn't work.....Im going to bury my head in the sand for awhile. I could use some solitude.

Dee74

^ STANDARD DISCLAIMER - YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY

lol

but...yep...give it a whirl
D

coming_clean

I thought I could intellectualize myself sober.
By understanding it.
But.
Understanding is controlling too.
Taoism helped me more with letting addiction be addiction then anything else.

mecanix

Mizzuno ,
No one can force you to drink, so the odds are not stacked against you . You are incredibly strong and if you want to stay sober you will stay sober . I can always think of several bad reasons to drink but never a good one, especially someone like me who can't stop at a sencible level .

Other people live their own lives and have their own opinions, those thoughts are completely out of our control . We can only try to get a handle on our own thoughts and ideas and make the changes we have power over . The other stuff we are pritty powerless over and we have to accept it and let it go .

If you can do it for 90 days you can do it for 90 years, just work at keeping your head space right .

Bestwishes, M

Wolfram

I use meditation and breathing techniques, and spirituallity. The soul is the ultimate driver if the body. But the body can cry and shout and shake so strong

Hang in there!

freshstart57

Mizzuno, you have already received a relaxation exercise suggestion. Have a look at mindfulness, another form of meditation. It takes you above those thoughts you are having, that obsession as you call it, and lets you become the watcher, the observer, instead of the one twisting hankies.

I think you are doing great, for what that's worth. Your way will become more clear as you exit that fog of alcohol. Onward!

Mizzuno

Thank You everyone!!! I made it out of that dreadful space. My sleep was not restful but it was sleep. Moving onward and upward. I think last night was a little rest in emotional instability land. That place is awful. Im Hopeful that my visits there will become few and far between. Its a effing process.
Enjoy your day!

FreeFall

Mizzuno, you realize it's a process, and can identify the growing pains which should really help you. It's hard to crawl out of that dark place. Sometimes you just have to wallow and sleep it off. Kind of how we used to deal with hangovers and we got through those miserable experiences. At least the aftermath when you're sober isn't humiliating lol

I wish you had the support of your husband and sister, but it sounds like they have their own drinking issues so they're not able to "get it" and help you. Maybe someday they will understand. Meanwhile, stay strong-you're the only one that can do this for yourself and you've been doing great so far