backtolifeforme

I used to post here a few years ago under a different handle which I don't remember anymore. Kept reading as a lurker. The posts, with some Alanon meetings, good codie books & heavy counselling has helped me to lift the fog off my relationships in general & helped eased the pain of me breaking things off after over a decade with my AXBF. I had be painfully honest with myself during my healing process & feel really good about my future. I've lost the constant need to punish myself for past mistakes. That was one the true roots of my repeated bad choices in dating - picking out men who were bad for me on purpose. It went back to my teens; my codie stuff went back to earlier childhood. My first relationship was with a very kind & caring guy. I treated him like garbage & felt like **** for doing that. It took about 20 years for me to see that I was trying to punish myself for treating another person so badly by choosing abusive men. I was trying to 'make up' for my past mistake. He forgave me a long time ago but I didn't see until this year, while doing my self homework, that I never forgave myself. I would choose unhealthy, emotionally unavailable men & stick around when treated badly - would actually wait to be dumped & then validate myself with negative stuff (basically reinforcing that I'm a bad person & always deserve to be dumped!). I'm a recovering codie w/some ACOA issues & working an intensive therapy/healing program. The process both scares me & excites me at the same time. I am very excited about my future. I trust that if the work needed is put it, it's guaranteed to be brighter, happier & more positive all around. That's where I put my faith - in my own work & in a mysterious future.

In my most recent & longest relationship, which was also emotionally/verbally abusive, I had to do the dumping because no matter what I did or he did - he would always come back & I'd allow it. I've changed though. This time, have no feelings of wanting him back in any form. Have no need to feel needed by him. I am feeling more indifferent these days? It's not that I don't care...I do on some level & do hope he finds his own salvation before death. It's just that I know nothing anyone could've done would help him if he's stuck on excuses on why he can't enter or stay in recovery. He's tried to do the sober & recovery thing himself several times over the years & it's never worked. I'm too exhausted after 13+ years of insanity/abuse to care much more than that. He was a full out binging A, only child, huge abandonment/neglect issues from childhood, love/hate relationship with his Mom (also an A) & lives in the past. He used to tell me stories of finding his Mom after a suicide attempt, of finding her bloodied after drunk hit n runs & of feelings of betrayal when his Mom found a man on the internet that she moved into the family home shortly after his Father died after only knowing the man a few months. That's how AXBF ended up back at my place years ago - I foolishly took him back in because he was homeless after his Mom kicked him out because he was making her new relationship too difficult. His Mom would then call my home at all hours of day/night telling him she needs his help because her new man wasn't staying in line - he was a veteran AA who'd been sober for many years - he found out she was a drunk after moving across Canada to live with her - both of them were messed up! One day he's put his Mom on a pedestal & she is Queen of the Universe - can do no wrong! Next day, she's pure evil, something the devil spat out, etc. Pretty sure he verbally attacked me sometimes & my family because he didn't have the guts to face her with his valid resentments - if he did, she'd kick him out again & he'd have no place to live. It is really sick how they feed on each other. I am really glad to be totally out of that equation. I gave him back to his Mom. Now, neither of them can point to me as the reason they are both doing bad in life. Frankly, it blows my mind how either could try to blame me for their personal probs in the first place when those probs were there way before I entered the picture! Crazy. Yes.

I understand some of the love/hate issues my XABF had due to my Dad being an A too. We just dealt with things differently in my family than his. We were more confrontational whereas his family was more avoid & hide type. My Dad has brain injury now from an alcohol induced fall & disabled for life - our family learned to detach & let go of our bad feelings towards him a couple years after his accident in '06. My XABF would verbally attack my Dad when his jabs weren't getting at me. I would remind him that attacking my Dad is the same as going into a mental hospital & being angry that everyone there is mentally ill - it's futile & stupid behaviour. XABF can't seem to grasp that the family's detached with love & enjoying what moments we can with my Dad. My Dad isn't going to be around for that much longer. My family has a different relationship now & we are just grateful for the good quality moments shared. XABF seems to resent that type of thinking. That's fine. He can resent it. His resentment & constant anger have little to do with us anyways.

It took me a long time to reach this point. I am much happier flying solo these days. This November marks one year of freedom for me