LoveMeNow

As I am learning to detach, set firm boundaries and regain my independence - I could see my husband threatened and scared and trying to take back "control" in some ways. But I do not think he displays many controlling behaviors from all that I have read but there are definitely some there for him as well as me. (probably more me )

He knows I have one foot out the door and he is scared that I am finally serious and I am. I am not reacting in my usual angry, emotional ways. I am calm, firm and methodical.

He is now making grand gestures - dinner, movies, thoughtfulness, complimenting, laundry, etc. I am not sure how much of this is manipulation or sincerity or maybe even both. Time will tell and more will be revealed.

Either way, I am enjoying it to a certain degree. But I am still continuing with my plans and allowing God to lead the way.

Interesting side note: Last night, he told me that he is seeing a new me. Someone more strong and confident and it was very attractive - like the person he met many years ago. The codie in me loved the validation but the healthier me thought "my happiness doesn't depend on you, I will define who I am and I will never be the old me, I want a new and improved ME - everyday."

I don't feel as though I am misleading him, I have been as honest about my feelings as I can be. But I just see no need to live in tension, if I can avoid it. If he stays clean and works an honest recovery - a very slim MAYBE!! But I am not putting MY future or my happiness in his hands (or anyone else's) ever again. That was mistake my first unhealthy mistake - many years ago.

Lara

LovemeNot you sound as though you are in a good, strong place.... it can be tough being part of SR - as SR exposes all the truths and the brutal nature of addiction - that sometimes I feel we only look at the 'worse case scenario'. I suppose in most cases if we did accept the worse case scenario - so many members would have recognised the 'truth' and left their addicted partners years ago - and spared themselves years of heart ache and tragedy.....
But it leaves little space for some of the times when the 'recovering' or 'active addicts' are in fact speaking the truth. That their words 'I love you';'I am sorry': are true - and not a hook or a manipulative lie. I would like to believe the best - believe in it Lovemenot - believe your husband!!!! But if it goes sour - then no that you are strong, and not dependent on his words... or on him.... but for today - LIVE and LOVE and thank GOD for LIFE - and thank GOD for your husband - and enjoy!!! Just for a while don't analyise every word, expression, action - believe God is on your side - LAUGH and enjoy - for who knows what tomorrow brings... and whatever knocks on your door in the morning - you will accept that too! And you WILL survive!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But LOVE and LAUGH and be FREE.... for at the end of this life - there is one thing that addiction cannot hurt - and that is YOUR SOUL!!! And your husband's soul t00 - for we are all perfect. And we all love perfectly. Just our humaness lets us down!!!

bluebelle

I had to laugh at the part about him offering to do laundry. I wish my RABF would offer that!! Lol

LoveMeNow

Yes, he was always a very thoughtful husband...but he never did the laundry. To be quite honest, I would perfer he not do the laundry though. lol But I always thought he had a little selfish streak in him about golf, but I just excused it as a "man thing." In hindsight, I think I had a little "needy wife thing" going on too.

Also, my husband was so loving and kind to my mother. For example: He knew she loved Christmas (all holidays) and would wait till she was at an appointmnet and would go and decorate her house. If she was in the hospital or rehab, he would go decorate her room while she was at physical therapy. They had to have lots of lights!! She adored him and he just loved her.

EnglishGarden

"Time will tell and more will be revealed."

Yes.

I don't recall how long your partner has been clean, LMN. But if it is less than one year, then from here, many of us would call the "Prince Charming" personality by another name: "Dr. Jekyll."

Dr. Jekyll is accompanied by Mr. Hyde for quite some time in an addict's early recovery.

So just keep up the excellent self-care, and wait and see. I hope he continues to regain his higher self. But as you say, you will be okay, no matter what.

supportforme

LMN - stay strong in your boundries. I agree with English Garden - I actually made the same reference of Jekyll & Hyde with STBXAH when he was preaching about his recovery and "acting" the right way. He soon turned into the bad doctor when it was no longer working. Stay focused and time will tell.

rsk

I agree with EnglishGarden,
LOVEMENOT,
I have learned so much from you, how to be strong, how to make your boundaries, and that with time...you become much wiser. I wish for you that this man would stay this way, just keep yourself protected an safe. Keep strong. I would hate for him to hurt you with his false "PRINCE CHARMING" acts.

LoveMeNow

Oh, I am not going to get "sucked" in again. Those days are gone, flew out the window with TRUST.

I no longer obsess about him, his addiction, his "recovery" or even how it effects me. The light switch can be flipped at any time - even after several years of recovery, that is the sad reality of addiction.

I am still getting stronger and I want my independence. He most likely wont be a part of my future and I am getting more and more comfortable with that concept. No matter what, I will be OK! I have an awesome pilot!