justanothrday

So I have checked in on these boards over the years since finding them after my mother passed away. She was an addict and was on these boards a lot trying to help herself and others. But now one of my brothers is going down the same path that our parents did. He's 21 and spends his whole paycheck within days on alcohol and drugs. He calls or texts me drunk in the middle of the night a few times a week It use to be blaming our dad but now he's turned it on me, claiming I have it so easy and have always been the favorite. I try to constantly remind him we all love him no matter what and that I work hard too.

Having been through this with my mom and friends I know that it's not really me that he's angry at. I know a lot of his problems are projection and he is unhappy with himself. I just don't know what to do. Every time he calls I'm afraid he's gotten into trouble or something is really wrong. I live four hours away and our Dad lives near him and isn't in great health so I answer and even when I don't I still get a voicemail. But its taking its toll now and I'm constantly worried about him. He is about to lose his job which is something he is very proud of. Part of me wants him to find his rock bottom so he will maybe be ready to accept help, but I feel awful thinking that.

Its so much different having it be my brother isn't of my mom and he is so angry. I'm so afraid for him.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family,

I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you are reaching out for support.

Do you know about the 3 C's of your brother's addiction?

You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it

and, I believe that also includes helping him reach his bottom. I believe that because each of us has our own personal limit. The limit of when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You may be reaching your limit with his blame-shifting, denials and manipulations. And that is okay.

Do you know why he keeps calling you at night and verbally unloading his drama? You keep taking the calls and/or listening to his voicemails.

Have you been able to change him, his opinions or his behaviors by reasoning with him? No? I wasn't able to do it with my alcoholic either.

Your life is important too. Your worry may have an emotional as well as physical toll on your life. Please consider limiting your contact with your brother. Especially consider turning off your phone at night to get the rest your body needs. If he is in a true emergency, there are people and professionals closer and more readily equipped to handle his crisis.

It won't be easy.
It won't be because you want to punish him
It won't mean you don't love him or care about him,
It will be something you do for yourself because you love yourself too.

Here is a link that contains steps that helped me while dealing with my loved ones active addiction:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Thumper

I"m so sorry. Have you attended al-anon? It is really wonderful to have face to face support.

It is OK to not talk to him when he's drunk or in the middle of the night. Not answering those calls is not going to make an iota's bit of difference in his addiciton projectory but it sure would help you to stay sane and grounded.

I'm glad you decided to post. There is lots of support here too.

justanothrday

I reached the point with my mom where I started to detached from the situation. She use to post here a lot years ago (Acristicat), which is why I came back here for support. The last time I talked to her before she passed I told her I couldn't deal with the addiction. So I suppose I still have that guilt and don't want it to be the same ending with my brother, even though I can't control it and none of it is my fault I still don't want to lose someone else I love to the disease.

I have looked into Al Anon- I'm still afraid of going but have the information ready for when I am finally ready to go.

Thumper

You don't have to say or do anything at the meetings. You can just go sit there. I was told I didn't have to say a word and was not pressured to say or do anything. It was such a relief to be with people that 'got it' without having to say a word. No secrets, no explaining, nothing shameful or worrying. I felt the comfort of being with people that understand.