Devastated - H of 27yrs goes to Rehab and files for divorce
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Devastated - H of 27yrs goes to Rehab and files for divorce
My husband of 27 years entered rehab about 5 weeks ago in another state over 1000 miles away. He's in day treatment and goes to his brother's home at night. At first, he thought he'd be there for 4 weeks, but it has been extended to 6 months!
Anyway, a week ago, I was served with divorce papers. I was absolutely shocked for a couple of reasons. 1) I know that while in rehab you're not supposed to make any life-changing decisions. 2) I have always been my H's "rock".
We do NOT know my H's relatives very well. We've always lived over 1000 miles away, so they've only seen us a handful of times and only for short periods. I have always been a perfect guest while in their homes..cleaning up, cooking for everyone, doing everyone's laundry, etc. But, again, we rarely visit, so they really don't "know us", nor do they know our family dynamic. Only one sister has ever witnessed one of my H's horrible outbursts, but that was over 20 years ago and she seems to have forgotten it.
However, my H does call a few family members on the phone a couple of times per year. During his calls to his brother, he has spoken harshly about me....that I'm difficult, a control freak, etc.
I have not seen or spoken to any of his family members in over 6 years. The last time I saw them was at my H's dad's memorial service and I only saw them for a couple of hours (service and luncheon).
My point of the above details is to give some insight into the fact that these people do NOT know us as a couple, as a family (we have 2 children - ages 20 & 22).
My H went to visit his relatives in early Sept after his depression and alcoholism became dangerous and he was suicidal. He said he needed to get away from the "causes of his problems" (me and his job). Yes, he blames his alcoholism and depression on me (completely ignoring the fact that he had a total breakdown in college long before he met me....which I only learned about a year ago!)
Frankly (and this is embarrassing), I don't know when my H became an alcoholic. My H rarely drank in front of me. Most of his drinking occurred behind my back, often late at night, sometime after I'd gone to sleep. I later learned that he kept bottles hidden in closets, gym bag, briefcase, etc.
In hindsight, our kids and I estimate that he's been an alcoholic at least for 8 years - that was about the earliest time that we learned that he was "secretly drinking".
Anyway, our kids and I are convinced that his family has totally "bought into" his stories that I am the cause of his problems, and therefore they have convinced him to divorce me. He and they believe that his only chance at recovery is if he's not with me.
Since his rehab is 1000+ miles away, of course our kids and I have not been asked to participate in any family meetings. We believe that my H doesn't want my participation because (in his words) I would "smear him"...which I would not do! I want him to be sober. No one wants to put up with his rants!!
Frankly, since my H has been an "ugly drunk," (hurling insults when he's been drinking, making accusations, and then never giving me a chance to respond or defend myself), in some ways a divorce would be a relief for me. However, our "financial wagons" are tied to each other. We don't have much in savings, but my H has a good retirement plan. while his retirement would split, it's not enough for 2 separate households, so both of us would be financially devastated by a divorce.
Also, because of my H's alcoholism and depression, many things around our home have been neglected. If we were to divorce, there's no way we could sell our home...no one would buy it with all the repairs that are needed. If sold as a fixer-upper, it would sell for less than our mortgage, which we can't afford.
I have been a housewife for over 24 years, so my income is dependent on his.
I highly doubt that my H has been honest with his brother (about his financial situation and me), and he hasn't been honest with his therapists, who would have cautioned against divorce proceedings during this time. I suspect that he's told them that I have filed and he has no choice.
Anyway...I am devastated, upset, confused and now angry. My kids have suggested that my H wants the divorce so he can somehow avoid "making amends" to me when doing Steps 8 and 9. After reading about those steps, it stands to reason. My H is not the type to ever admit that he injured our family/marriage with his alcoholism.
Do you think it's possible that he's been honest in rehab about the divorce and that they would be supportive of this?
Anyway, a week ago, I was served with divorce papers. I was absolutely shocked for a couple of reasons. 1) I know that while in rehab you're not supposed to make any life-changing decisions. 2) I have always been my H's "rock".
We do NOT know my H's relatives very well. We've always lived over 1000 miles away, so they've only seen us a handful of times and only for short periods. I have always been a perfect guest while in their homes..cleaning up, cooking for everyone, doing everyone's laundry, etc. But, again, we rarely visit, so they really don't "know us", nor do they know our family dynamic. Only one sister has ever witnessed one of my H's horrible outbursts, but that was over 20 years ago and she seems to have forgotten it.
However, my H does call a few family members on the phone a couple of times per year. During his calls to his brother, he has spoken harshly about me....that I'm difficult, a control freak, etc.
I have not seen or spoken to any of his family members in over 6 years. The last time I saw them was at my H's dad's memorial service and I only saw them for a couple of hours (service and luncheon).
My point of the above details is to give some insight into the fact that these people do NOT know us as a couple, as a family (we have 2 children - ages 20 & 22).
My H went to visit his relatives in early Sept after his depression and alcoholism became dangerous and he was suicidal. He said he needed to get away from the "causes of his problems" (me and his job). Yes, he blames his alcoholism and depression on me (completely ignoring the fact that he had a total breakdown in college long before he met me....which I only learned about a year ago!)
Frankly (and this is embarrassing), I don't know when my H became an alcoholic. My H rarely drank in front of me. Most of his drinking occurred behind my back, often late at night, sometime after I'd gone to sleep. I later learned that he kept bottles hidden in closets, gym bag, briefcase, etc.
In hindsight, our kids and I estimate that he's been an alcoholic at least for 8 years - that was about the earliest time that we learned that he was "secretly drinking".
Anyway, our kids and I are convinced that his family has totally "bought into" his stories that I am the cause of his problems, and therefore they have convinced him to divorce me. He and they believe that his only chance at recovery is if he's not with me.
Since his rehab is 1000+ miles away, of course our kids and I have not been asked to participate in any family meetings. We believe that my H doesn't want my participation because (in his words) I would "smear him"...which I would not do! I want him to be sober. No one wants to put up with his rants!!
Frankly, since my H has been an "ugly drunk," (hurling insults when he's been drinking, making accusations, and then never giving me a chance to respond or defend myself), in some ways a divorce would be a relief for me. However, our "financial wagons" are tied to each other. We don't have much in savings, but my H has a good retirement plan. while his retirement would split, it's not enough for 2 separate households, so both of us would be financially devastated by a divorce.
Also, because of my H's alcoholism and depression, many things around our home have been neglected. If we were to divorce, there's no way we could sell our home...no one would buy it with all the repairs that are needed. If sold as a fixer-upper, it would sell for less than our mortgage, which we can't afford.
I have been a housewife for over 24 years, so my income is dependent on his.
I highly doubt that my H has been honest with his brother (about his financial situation and me), and he hasn't been honest with his therapists, who would have cautioned against divorce proceedings during this time. I suspect that he's told them that I have filed and he has no choice.
Anyway...I am devastated, upset, confused and now angry. My kids have suggested that my H wants the divorce so he can somehow avoid "making amends" to me when doing Steps 8 and 9. After reading about those steps, it stands to reason. My H is not the type to ever admit that he injured our family/marriage with his alcoholism.
Do you think it's possible that he's been honest in rehab about the divorce and that they would be supportive of this?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Brokenheartedwife...
I'm sorry about all of this. I'm sure you are in shock and very hurt.
I know it's natural to try and figure out why your H is doing what he is doing...what his family might have said..what role they might have played...what your H has said to his counselor or what they have said to him. The thing is...it reallly doesn't matter, does it? Instead of trying to figure out what your H is thinking or feeling, try to focus on YOU and what YOU want. You can't control or change what your H is going to do. The only person you can hope to understand and have control over is YOU. Have you tried al anon? It saved my life. I swear, it did.
If you haven't done so, I'd consult with a lawyer right away too. Let the lawyer deal with the legal and financial aspects right now...you've got enough on your hands dealing with the emotional part of it.
Glad you found us here at SR. Keep reading...keep posting.
I'm sorry about all of this. I'm sure you are in shock and very hurt.
I know it's natural to try and figure out why your H is doing what he is doing...what his family might have said..what role they might have played...what your H has said to his counselor or what they have said to him. The thing is...it reallly doesn't matter, does it? Instead of trying to figure out what your H is thinking or feeling, try to focus on YOU and what YOU want. You can't control or change what your H is going to do. The only person you can hope to understand and have control over is YOU. Have you tried al anon? It saved my life. I swear, it did.
If you haven't done so, I'd consult with a lawyer right away too. Let the lawyer deal with the legal and financial aspects right now...you've got enough on your hands dealing with the emotional part of it.
Glad you found us here at SR. Keep reading...keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Yes, I have an atty that is going to file the Response - which has to be done within 30 days.
The problem is that financially this is a huge problem. My H has closed our bank acct and opened one that only he knows about, so I have no access to funds except for a small amount that I have of my own.
Yes, I'm starting to go to Al-Anon. I wish I had done that before. I wish I had encouraged my H to have gone to AA when we first realized that he had a problem.
When my H first went to rehab, he'd call me just to start fights. Yes, that's true. I'd pick up the phone and there wouldn't be a "hi" or anything, instead he'd launch into some diatribe. I told him not to call unless he could be civil. Then I didn't hear from him for 10 days except for one email about my oil car's needing changing.
It seemed clear to me that his "position" is to convince himself (by starting fights) that he has to divorce me. Then last week, one of our two dogs became very sick. Our son let him know. My H sent me an email telling me what tests the vet should run - the vet was already running all kinds of tests. On Friday morning my H called me, again started haranging me about our sick dog. I hung up on him because he was just using the opportunity to criticize me. Within one hour our dog passed. So on top of dealing with this divorce filing, my precious little doggie passed in my arms. She had just turned 10 last week and didn't have any prior history of being sick.
I called and texted my H but his phone was off because of rehab rules. When he called he was extraordinarily supportive...a complete turn-around from the morning phone call and the previous month. He told me that he wished he could be there for me and that he loved me. He called 4 times that day and we had some very nice talks...each call ending with him telling me that he loves me. During the last call he told me that he's going to fly home this weekend for a visit.
So, I do feel like I have a chance to turn this around IF his family doesn't change his mind about coming. His family has to know that if he comes home, he'll likely change his mind. The truth is (and I'm not exaggerating) is that my H thinks I'm the smartest woman he's ever met...(I'm not but he thinks I am...lol). People who KNOW us know that he brags about me.
However, the summer months really took a toll and his drinking and depression made him dive into periods of extreme lows. And the lows would come out of nowhere. We'd be having a good time, and then suddenly, he'd flip-out over something very minor....such as me asking him to repeat something that I didn't hear (I'm partially deaf in one ear so I don't hear well if there are other noises in the room). He'd launch into a diatribe that I need to listen better and that I need to pay more attention to him. (this is laughable since I essentially have always waited on him hand and foot...he's VERY needy, and I'm guilty of being co-dependent.)
Anyway, I'm hoping that his 6 months of rehab will "work" and that he makes the necessary changes. I'm also hoping that he follows thru and comes home for a weekend visit this Friday.
My older son had a long talk with him a couple of days before our dog passed, and it's clear that my H really has no clue about this divorce process. He thought it could be final in 60 days. It was clear to my son and I that he thought that he could just quickly discard his "old life" and start anew. That is actually the main problem. He's up there living with his brother's family having it quite easy...no chores, no family obligations, no job stresses....all he does is go to rehab (which I know is "work"), go to the gym, go to a few AA meetings, and then relax in front of the TV and night and on weekends. No wonder why he's thinking that he prefers "that life".
My son tried to tell him that his life while at his brother's home and while in Rehab is not "real life" and he shouldn't mistakenly think that he can "have" that life from now on. It's temporary, like a vacation....not real life. My son also told him that he owes it to our family to see if a "sober dad/sober H" could find harmony in our home.
My atty says that it would take 18-24 months (or more!) because we have a large home that will not sell quickly and because I'm contesting the divorce. I know when my H finds that out he's going to stop and rethink this. He's going to realize that his "start a new life in the new year" plan is a pipe dream. This isn't like breaking up with a girlfriend. This is divorce...a long ugly process that I know he's not going to want to go thru. He's also not going to be happy when he finds out that he has to pay spousal support - starting now (with back pay). That will get him rethinking as well. He'll be faced with the reality that we can't afford a divorce...there's not enough money for two households, and not enough money for him to be sending me support money.
Anyway...I'm hoping and praying that he does come home this weekend and he changes his mind about the divorce.
The problem is that financially this is a huge problem. My H has closed our bank acct and opened one that only he knows about, so I have no access to funds except for a small amount that I have of my own.
Yes, I'm starting to go to Al-Anon. I wish I had done that before. I wish I had encouraged my H to have gone to AA when we first realized that he had a problem.
When my H first went to rehab, he'd call me just to start fights. Yes, that's true. I'd pick up the phone and there wouldn't be a "hi" or anything, instead he'd launch into some diatribe. I told him not to call unless he could be civil. Then I didn't hear from him for 10 days except for one email about my oil car's needing changing.
It seemed clear to me that his "position" is to convince himself (by starting fights) that he has to divorce me. Then last week, one of our two dogs became very sick. Our son let him know. My H sent me an email telling me what tests the vet should run - the vet was already running all kinds of tests. On Friday morning my H called me, again started haranging me about our sick dog. I hung up on him because he was just using the opportunity to criticize me. Within one hour our dog passed. So on top of dealing with this divorce filing, my precious little doggie passed in my arms. She had just turned 10 last week and didn't have any prior history of being sick.
I called and texted my H but his phone was off because of rehab rules. When he called he was extraordinarily supportive...a complete turn-around from the morning phone call and the previous month. He told me that he wished he could be there for me and that he loved me. He called 4 times that day and we had some very nice talks...each call ending with him telling me that he loves me. During the last call he told me that he's going to fly home this weekend for a visit.
So, I do feel like I have a chance to turn this around IF his family doesn't change his mind about coming. His family has to know that if he comes home, he'll likely change his mind. The truth is (and I'm not exaggerating) is that my H thinks I'm the smartest woman he's ever met...(I'm not but he thinks I am...lol). People who KNOW us know that he brags about me.
However, the summer months really took a toll and his drinking and depression made him dive into periods of extreme lows. And the lows would come out of nowhere. We'd be having a good time, and then suddenly, he'd flip-out over something very minor....such as me asking him to repeat something that I didn't hear (I'm partially deaf in one ear so I don't hear well if there are other noises in the room). He'd launch into a diatribe that I need to listen better and that I need to pay more attention to him. (this is laughable since I essentially have always waited on him hand and foot...he's VERY needy, and I'm guilty of being co-dependent.)
Anyway, I'm hoping that his 6 months of rehab will "work" and that he makes the necessary changes. I'm also hoping that he follows thru and comes home for a weekend visit this Friday.
My older son had a long talk with him a couple of days before our dog passed, and it's clear that my H really has no clue about this divorce process. He thought it could be final in 60 days. It was clear to my son and I that he thought that he could just quickly discard his "old life" and start anew. That is actually the main problem. He's up there living with his brother's family having it quite easy...no chores, no family obligations, no job stresses....all he does is go to rehab (which I know is "work"), go to the gym, go to a few AA meetings, and then relax in front of the TV and night and on weekends. No wonder why he's thinking that he prefers "that life".
My son tried to tell him that his life while at his brother's home and while in Rehab is not "real life" and he shouldn't mistakenly think that he can "have" that life from now on. It's temporary, like a vacation....not real life. My son also told him that he owes it to our family to see if a "sober dad/sober H" could find harmony in our home.
My atty says that it would take 18-24 months (or more!) because we have a large home that will not sell quickly and because I'm contesting the divorce. I know when my H finds that out he's going to stop and rethink this. He's going to realize that his "start a new life in the new year" plan is a pipe dream. This isn't like breaking up with a girlfriend. This is divorce...a long ugly process that I know he's not going to want to go thru. He's also not going to be happy when he finds out that he has to pay spousal support - starting now (with back pay). That will get him rethinking as well. He'll be faced with the reality that we can't afford a divorce...there's not enough money for two households, and not enough money for him to be sending me support money.
Anyway...I'm hoping and praying that he does come home this weekend and he changes his mind about the divorce.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I imagine that life sober is like rebirth. No doubt your H's emotions are all over the place. He may give up the divorce or see it through, I certainly can't guess what he is going to do, and I imagine it is difficult for anyone to figure out what a recovering alcoholic will do when it comes to life decisions.
I think the important thing is to just wait it out. If you've been a wonderful wife that he loves deeply, then he will return in time. Even if the divorce was completed. The truth will be revealed eventually.
Seeking that spousal support starting retroactive is the best thing you can do to help yourself, glad you are doing that.
Maybe you might want to go out and work? A new challenge for you? When the tide changes direction we have to adjust with it.
There's no point in trying to talk to his distant relatives, as you know...but his own heart will know the truth, even if he doesn't see it for quite awhile.
The spousal support will jolt him back a little to reality from that "vacation".
Hope it all works out as it should for you!
I think the important thing is to just wait it out. If you've been a wonderful wife that he loves deeply, then he will return in time. Even if the divorce was completed. The truth will be revealed eventually.
Seeking that spousal support starting retroactive is the best thing you can do to help yourself, glad you are doing that.
Maybe you might want to go out and work? A new challenge for you? When the tide changes direction we have to adjust with it.
There's no point in trying to talk to his distant relatives, as you know...but his own heart will know the truth, even if he doesn't see it for quite awhile.
The spousal support will jolt him back a little to reality from that "vacation".
Hope it all works out as it should for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
A long-time wife has many rights, so rely on your attorney to work those out for you.
Get to Al-Anon and maybe even some counseling. This is going to be a roller-coaster of a ride (early sobriety seems to be quite bumpy, as you are finding out already).
And possibly quit talking to your husband right now - going no contact for a while may help you find your footing and get to a better place for when you do have to deal with him again.
Prayers to you today, I know this is hard, having been through this myself recently.
~T
Get to Al-Anon and maybe even some counseling. This is going to be a roller-coaster of a ride (early sobriety seems to be quite bumpy, as you are finding out already).
And possibly quit talking to your husband right now - going no contact for a while may help you find your footing and get to a better place for when you do have to deal with him again.
Prayers to you today, I know this is hard, having been through this myself recently.
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
I just found out from my son that a couple of weeks ago, my AH told my son that when the divorce goes thru he wants me to "feel pain". For the last year he has been telling me that it "upsets" him that he's depressed/unhappy and I wake up in a good mood and go about my day.
I think the important thing is to just wait it out. If you've been a wonderful wife that he loves deeply, then he will return in time. Even if the divorce was completed. The truth will be revealed eventually.
I have been a wonderful wife. Everyone who KNOWS us says that I'm a devoted wife...probably too devoted.
I wouldn't take him back at that point (after the divorce) because I'd be too angry for financially devastating us from the huge costs of divorce (money that we DON'T have to waste).
He wrongly thinks the divorce can go thru in 60 days. lololololol. My attorney says 18-24months...at least. When my son told him that the other day, my H freaked because he thought he could quickly divorce me, see me in "pain", and then move on with his life.
I think the important thing is to just wait it out. If you've been a wonderful wife that he loves deeply, then he will return in time. Even if the divorce was completed. The truth will be revealed eventually.
I have been a wonderful wife. Everyone who KNOWS us says that I'm a devoted wife...probably too devoted.
I wouldn't take him back at that point (after the divorce) because I'd be too angry for financially devastating us from the huge costs of divorce (money that we DON'T have to waste).
He wrongly thinks the divorce can go thru in 60 days. lololololol. My attorney says 18-24months...at least. When my son told him that the other day, my H freaked because he thought he could quickly divorce me, see me in "pain", and then move on with his life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If you want to understand this...
...please keep an open mind and attend six Alanon meetings, some different. It will help you. I promise.
Cyranoak
P.s. Nobody's a perfect spouse. Nobody. Even those of us that sacrificed ourselves on the alter of an alcoholic and been their rocks. I'm somebody's rock too-- it turns out it's not a job I ever really wanted. It was just how I controlled her and her drinking-- or at least tried to.
Cyranoak
P.s. Nobody's a perfect spouse. Nobody. Even those of us that sacrificed ourselves on the alter of an alcoholic and been their rocks. I'm somebody's rock too-- it turns out it's not a job I ever really wanted. It was just how I controlled her and her drinking-- or at least tried to.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm very sorry you are going through this upheaval in your life. And suggest you start working with a counselor, as these events and your family's unhealthy behaviors which have been ongoing for many many years are too big for you to handle on your own. Al-Anon provides a lot of insight into the alcoholic family, but it does not provide the narrow focus on self that counseling does. And that is what I believe is always necessary during times of crisis. To shine the light on oneself, and not the other individuals involved.
The triangulation between you, your husband, and your children is unhealthy. A counselor can help you find better boundaries. It is very common in families of alcoholism that families do not have acceptable boundaries with each other.
The longing to turn back the clock and somehow find some way to return to the vision of marriage you hold in your heart is not possible. Everything from this point will be new, your husband is changing, you are changing, your family is changing.
An attorney can assist you in protection of your financial future.
But no one in your life can hold back or control the relationship and family changes which are unfolding and will continue to unfold.
It would be best for you to seek a counselor for the long term, for this is a time of transformation, and having support will help you deal with it and find who you are today. You have identified with a certain role, and when things change, so do our roles. We have to face it and go through the pain.
All the best to you as you walk this difficult path.
The triangulation between you, your husband, and your children is unhealthy. A counselor can help you find better boundaries. It is very common in families of alcoholism that families do not have acceptable boundaries with each other.
The longing to turn back the clock and somehow find some way to return to the vision of marriage you hold in your heart is not possible. Everything from this point will be new, your husband is changing, you are changing, your family is changing.
An attorney can assist you in protection of your financial future.
But no one in your life can hold back or control the relationship and family changes which are unfolding and will continue to unfold.
It would be best for you to seek a counselor for the long term, for this is a time of transformation, and having support will help you deal with it and find who you are today. You have identified with a certain role, and when things change, so do our roles. We have to face it and go through the pain.
All the best to you as you walk this difficult path.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have read and heard first hand that when an A works on their recovery, they often resent or dislike their enabler.
I am working hard on me (therapy, alanon and a coda group) because I was my husband's enabler. I was in deep denial. I know our future is uncertain as we both get healthy. Recovery does not magically solve all the problems, as I once believed.
As I get healthy, I can see the role I played in the sickness. I was not the innocent victim I "enjoyed" playing.
I am working hard on me (therapy, alanon and a coda group) because I was my husband's enabler. I was in deep denial. I know our future is uncertain as we both get healthy. Recovery does not magically solve all the problems, as I once believed.
As I get healthy, I can see the role I played in the sickness. I was not the innocent victim I "enjoyed" playing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
I have read and heard first hand that when an A works on their recovery, they often resent or dislike their enabler.
I'm guessing it's because the enabler is actually doing the enabling for their own ego and their own benefit while pretending it's for the alcoholic? And the alcoholic sees/feels it but can't prove it, especially since s/he's the identified overt troublemaker. And most of society sees the martyred long suffering enabler which is annoying to the alcoholic? And when they actually start getting better, they reject the unhealthy dynamic between themselves and the enabler, as well as reject their own unhealthy behaviors?
Just guessing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so very sorry you're going through this painful experience. I've always heard it's recommended that someone in recovery shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year ... and I'm sober 21 years. However some people do make big changes. Emotional volatility is the norm in early recovery (the first 90 days). I suggest taking it one day at a time. Contact lawyer and go to Alanon.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by SadHeart
I've never heard that. What is the rationale behind it? Is it a phase or does it remain? What an interesting concept.
I'm guessing it's because the enabler is actually doing the enabling for their own ego and their own benefit while pretending it's for the alcoholic? And the alcoholic sees/feels it but can't prove it, especially since s/he's the identified overt troublemaker. And most of society sees the martyred long suffering enabler which is annoying to the alcoholic? And when they actually start getting better, they reject the unhealthy dynamic between themselves and the enabler, as well as reject their own unhealthy behaviors?
Just guessing.
I'm guessing it's because the enabler is actually doing the enabling for their own ego and their own benefit while pretending it's for the alcoholic? And the alcoholic sees/feels it but can't prove it, especially since s/he's the identified overt troublemaker. And most of society sees the martyred long suffering enabler which is annoying to the alcoholic? And when they actually start getting better, they reject the unhealthy dynamic between themselves and the enabler, as well as reject their own unhealthy behaviors?
Just guessing.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Post by Cynical One - I am sorry Brokenhearwife for your heartache. Please know that I am not saying this is you or your relationship. It was just an interesting read for me and my marriage and I wanted to share it with others.
Co-Dependence in Relationships: A Root and Enabler of Addiction
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Co-Dependence in Relationships: A Root and Enabler of Addiction
~by Emily Battaglia
Co-dependence is a term for the detrimental behaviors and abnormal attachments of an intimate but dysfunctional relationship. Co-dependence can take many forms and can exist in any kind of relationship – with a romantic partner, friend, or with a parent, sibling, or child.
A significant component of recovery from addiction is recovery from co-dependent relationships. Recovery from addiction requires the recovering individual to learn a healthy awareness of their relationships to others. Co-dependent relationships are the antithesis of this step. Unaddressed, a co-dependent relationship can undermine the recovering individual’s effort to become sober and emotionally healthy.
Most, if not all, individuals in recovery experience a drastic change in their personal relationships. They typically leave their romantic relationships and usually most of their friends – those people who tolerated, encouraged, or participated in their addictive behaviors. They must also readjust the long-term family relationships they have, because these relationships have almost always played a role in their emotional problems and their development of addictive habits.
Many of the addict’s current relationships are predicated on her illness. In other words, the other person in the relationship is getting something out of being involved with someone who is an addict. There are various unhealthy motives for this, but the main point is that these are the people who will most strongly resist the addict’s efforts to recover. Recovery threatens their role in the addict’s life; it threatens their emotional or other type of control over the addict. These people are known as “enabling co-dependents” or “controlling co-dependents,” and are the most likely to sabotage recovery. If their efforts at sabotage are unsuccessful, however, they will most likely move on to another co-dependent relationship.
Another kind of co-dependent is the addicted co-dependent. This is a person who participates in the addict’s substance abuse behaviors. In many cases, this person will have a less dramatic addiction, and will use the addict’s problems to shield himself and his own substance abuse from unwanted attention. Very often, this person’s addiction will accelerate when the addicted partner enters recovery.
Co-dependents routinely have the hardest time accepting the addict’s quest for recovery. Co-dependents employ strong denial and resist adjusting to a new kind of relationship because this means that they will have to address their own co-dependent behaviors and possibly addictive habits. In most cases, a co-dependent would rather leave the relationship altogether and find another co-dependent relationship than face her own problems. The new co-dependent relationship will feed her unhealthy emotional needs and insulate her from dealing with her issues.
Symptoms of a co-dependent relationship include an array of unhealthy, unhappy, and self-defeating emotions and habits. Usually, one person in the co-dependent relationship exercises unhealthy control over the other person.
Typical signs of a co-dependent relationship include:
* Difficulty having fun;
* Constant need for approval;
* Secrecy and lying;
* Intense fear of abandonment;
* Resentment of authority;
* Hypersensitivity to criticism;
* Confusion of love with pity;
* Efforts to “fix” the other person;
* Feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, or shame;
* Judgmental attitude toward self and/or others;
* Blaming others for all problems;
* Lack of self-confidence;
* Difficulty engaging in separate activities;
* Rigidity and controlling behavior; and
* Overreacting to change.
Many people who are recovering from drug or alcohol addiction find that the co-dependent people in their lives are unwilling to accept change. In this case, the recovering individual may need to “fire” these people. Not all relationships will survive recovery; in fact, most don’t.
However, if given the choice between health and happiness through recovery, or continuing an addiction to sustain a co-dependent relationship, most recovering individuals choose health. In addition, they can take comfort in the fact that the relationships that survive recovery, and the people who aid and support them during this crucial time, are healthy and worthwhile. Those that don’t were not.
One very important point about co-dependent relationships is that co-dependence isn’t about the other person in a relationship or the relationship itself. Co-dependence is really a matter of a person’s relationship with himself. Conquering co-dependence is not accomplished by trying to control other people, or by setting up a matrix of relationship rules. Co-dependence is a symptom of low self-esteem, and the answer to ending co-dependence is learning healthy self-love and self-care, and building self-esteem through positive action. Ending co-dependence is about taking complete personal responsibility for your own actions, goals, issues, and life.
Co-Dependence in Relationships: A Root and Enabler of Addiction
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Co-Dependence in Relationships: A Root and Enabler of Addiction
~by Emily Battaglia
Co-dependence is a term for the detrimental behaviors and abnormal attachments of an intimate but dysfunctional relationship. Co-dependence can take many forms and can exist in any kind of relationship – with a romantic partner, friend, or with a parent, sibling, or child.
A significant component of recovery from addiction is recovery from co-dependent relationships. Recovery from addiction requires the recovering individual to learn a healthy awareness of their relationships to others. Co-dependent relationships are the antithesis of this step. Unaddressed, a co-dependent relationship can undermine the recovering individual’s effort to become sober and emotionally healthy.
Most, if not all, individuals in recovery experience a drastic change in their personal relationships. They typically leave their romantic relationships and usually most of their friends – those people who tolerated, encouraged, or participated in their addictive behaviors. They must also readjust the long-term family relationships they have, because these relationships have almost always played a role in their emotional problems and their development of addictive habits.
Many of the addict’s current relationships are predicated on her illness. In other words, the other person in the relationship is getting something out of being involved with someone who is an addict. There are various unhealthy motives for this, but the main point is that these are the people who will most strongly resist the addict’s efforts to recover. Recovery threatens their role in the addict’s life; it threatens their emotional or other type of control over the addict. These people are known as “enabling co-dependents” or “controlling co-dependents,” and are the most likely to sabotage recovery. If their efforts at sabotage are unsuccessful, however, they will most likely move on to another co-dependent relationship.
Another kind of co-dependent is the addicted co-dependent. This is a person who participates in the addict’s substance abuse behaviors. In many cases, this person will have a less dramatic addiction, and will use the addict’s problems to shield himself and his own substance abuse from unwanted attention. Very often, this person’s addiction will accelerate when the addicted partner enters recovery.
Co-dependents routinely have the hardest time accepting the addict’s quest for recovery. Co-dependents employ strong denial and resist adjusting to a new kind of relationship because this means that they will have to address their own co-dependent behaviors and possibly addictive habits. In most cases, a co-dependent would rather leave the relationship altogether and find another co-dependent relationship than face her own problems. The new co-dependent relationship will feed her unhealthy emotional needs and insulate her from dealing with her issues.
Symptoms of a co-dependent relationship include an array of unhealthy, unhappy, and self-defeating emotions and habits. Usually, one person in the co-dependent relationship exercises unhealthy control over the other person.
Typical signs of a co-dependent relationship include:
* Difficulty having fun;
* Constant need for approval;
* Secrecy and lying;
* Intense fear of abandonment;
* Resentment of authority;
* Hypersensitivity to criticism;
* Confusion of love with pity;
* Efforts to “fix” the other person;
* Feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, or shame;
* Judgmental attitude toward self and/or others;
* Blaming others for all problems;
* Lack of self-confidence;
* Difficulty engaging in separate activities;
* Rigidity and controlling behavior; and
* Overreacting to change.
Many people who are recovering from drug or alcohol addiction find that the co-dependent people in their lives are unwilling to accept change. In this case, the recovering individual may need to “fire” these people. Not all relationships will survive recovery; in fact, most don’t.
However, if given the choice between health and happiness through recovery, or continuing an addiction to sustain a co-dependent relationship, most recovering individuals choose health. In addition, they can take comfort in the fact that the relationships that survive recovery, and the people who aid and support them during this crucial time, are healthy and worthwhile. Those that don’t were not.
One very important point about co-dependent relationships is that co-dependence isn’t about the other person in a relationship or the relationship itself. Co-dependence is really a matter of a person’s relationship with himself. Conquering co-dependence is not accomplished by trying to control other people, or by setting up a matrix of relationship rules. Co-dependence is a symptom of low self-esteem, and the answer to ending co-dependence is learning healthy self-love and self-care, and building self-esteem through positive action. Ending co-dependence is about taking complete personal responsibility for your own actions, goals, issues, and life.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
One of the posts by Nytepassion that I found!
_______ addiction is destroying me
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(fill in the blank with your loved ones relationship to you or with his/her name where applicable)
Does the title discribe you?
If yes -
Then the burden of your ______ addiction is weighing on the wrong shoulders.
It is not yours to bare .. it doesn't belong to you. You didn't cause it. You can't control it anymore than you can cure it ...
Why take it on?
YOU DO NOT have to take on the responsiblities of the irresponsible addict .. the consequences of _______ addiction are NOT YOURS to pay NOR ARE THEY YOURS to sheild or protect the addict from having to pay ...
If you've been "helping", fixing, cleaning up, covering up, paying out - STOP IT!
The addict isn't helpless - but can be rendered so in the name of love or by our good intentions
When you step in and up to take care of all your ________ problems .... You inadvertantly are sending a message that so and so is not capable of taking care of themselves and you are also setting yourself up to be a target "tool" for the addict to use and manipulate to the benefit of the addiction ...
When you step in and up for your ________ addiction ... You are taking the burden off of his/her shoulders
You feel like you've helped him/her, but truthfully our good intentions generally turn out to be more hurtful instead of helpful ... because in the long run what you come to find is that all your efforts have helped but not in the way you intended them .. they have helped to KEEP THE ADDICTION FED.
Now doesn't that pi$$ ya off?
It did me too once I realized the ugly truth of enabling.
Most everything done for the addict falls prey to the addiction and all your efforts, "good intentions" "helping" gets returned with contempt and hatred. And you are left sitting there flabbergasted and drained ... beyone belief you think, "after all I've done for you" or "if it hadn't been for me, YOU wouldn't" ...
If it hadn't been for YOU what?
Go deep into your heart to answer that question by reflecting on all the times that you stepped in and "helped", fixed, rescued, saved, bailed out your loved one from paying the consequences of their own choices/addiction.
If it hadn't been for you so and so
wouldn't have a car
would be in jail
wouldn't have a phone
would be out on the street
etc, so on and so forth .....
Does the above sound familar?
Time to change the view
No car = (Good .. makes it harder to get to the drug dealers house if he/she doesn't have a car - no driving under the influence)
in jail = (good at least you'll know where he/she is at and that their not using... Now you can get some "well needed rest")
no phone = (makes it inconvient for the addict cause it is harder to stay in contact with the dealer and the druggie friends without a phone) There is a downside to this one for YOU though = Bummer, now you'll have to drive over there to talk to him/her) Can we say killing two addictions with one stone
A homeless addict = (A perfect opertunity to plant seeds of thought towards rehab and having nowhere to go up's the chance that the addict actually might bite and go)
The negative turns to a positive = depending how you look at it
Gird up your faith ... let go of the fear of letting go ... place trust in God and the process .. Come to accept you are powerless over _______ and their addiction, but that doesn't mean you can't step back, bow out and raise the bottom
Place _______ on God's alter - Release him/her = Let go - Let God .. and think P O S I T I V E
Passion
Recovering addict/enabler/co-dependent
PS: I wanted to share a bit about where I said "all your efforts, "good intentions" "helping" gets returned with contempt and hatred."
First and foremost the addict hates him/herselve for being so weak .. and then you run around like a chicken with its head cut off jumping through hoops fixing, cleaning up, clearing/bailing out, paying for all the addicts needs it sends a signal to the addicts brain that you are weak .. and worse yet, weaker than the he or she is.. YOU are weak enough for the both of them .. therefore this triggers a lack of respect and breeds contempt and hatred towards you.
The addict doesn't need you to fix him/her
The addict needs you to be strong where he or she is weak. STAND FIRM! You will be the enemy at first and maybe for a while .. but the addict knows deep down in their heart whose love is real, true and in their best interest.
__________________
_______ addiction is destroying me
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(fill in the blank with your loved ones relationship to you or with his/her name where applicable)
Does the title discribe you?
If yes -
Then the burden of your ______ addiction is weighing on the wrong shoulders.
It is not yours to bare .. it doesn't belong to you. You didn't cause it. You can't control it anymore than you can cure it ...
Why take it on?
YOU DO NOT have to take on the responsiblities of the irresponsible addict .. the consequences of _______ addiction are NOT YOURS to pay NOR ARE THEY YOURS to sheild or protect the addict from having to pay ...
If you've been "helping", fixing, cleaning up, covering up, paying out - STOP IT!
The addict isn't helpless - but can be rendered so in the name of love or by our good intentions
When you step in and up to take care of all your ________ problems .... You inadvertantly are sending a message that so and so is not capable of taking care of themselves and you are also setting yourself up to be a target "tool" for the addict to use and manipulate to the benefit of the addiction ...
When you step in and up for your ________ addiction ... You are taking the burden off of his/her shoulders
You feel like you've helped him/her, but truthfully our good intentions generally turn out to be more hurtful instead of helpful ... because in the long run what you come to find is that all your efforts have helped but not in the way you intended them .. they have helped to KEEP THE ADDICTION FED.
Now doesn't that pi$$ ya off?
It did me too once I realized the ugly truth of enabling.
Most everything done for the addict falls prey to the addiction and all your efforts, "good intentions" "helping" gets returned with contempt and hatred. And you are left sitting there flabbergasted and drained ... beyone belief you think, "after all I've done for you" or "if it hadn't been for me, YOU wouldn't" ...
If it hadn't been for YOU what?
Go deep into your heart to answer that question by reflecting on all the times that you stepped in and "helped", fixed, rescued, saved, bailed out your loved one from paying the consequences of their own choices/addiction.
If it hadn't been for you so and so
wouldn't have a car
would be in jail
wouldn't have a phone
would be out on the street
etc, so on and so forth .....
Does the above sound familar?
Time to change the view
No car = (Good .. makes it harder to get to the drug dealers house if he/she doesn't have a car - no driving under the influence)
in jail = (good at least you'll know where he/she is at and that their not using... Now you can get some "well needed rest")
no phone = (makes it inconvient for the addict cause it is harder to stay in contact with the dealer and the druggie friends without a phone) There is a downside to this one for YOU though = Bummer, now you'll have to drive over there to talk to him/her) Can we say killing two addictions with one stone
A homeless addict = (A perfect opertunity to plant seeds of thought towards rehab and having nowhere to go up's the chance that the addict actually might bite and go)
The negative turns to a positive = depending how you look at it
Gird up your faith ... let go of the fear of letting go ... place trust in God and the process .. Come to accept you are powerless over _______ and their addiction, but that doesn't mean you can't step back, bow out and raise the bottom
Place _______ on God's alter - Release him/her = Let go - Let God .. and think P O S I T I V E
Passion
Recovering addict/enabler/co-dependent
PS: I wanted to share a bit about where I said "all your efforts, "good intentions" "helping" gets returned with contempt and hatred."
First and foremost the addict hates him/herselve for being so weak .. and then you run around like a chicken with its head cut off jumping through hoops fixing, cleaning up, clearing/bailing out, paying for all the addicts needs it sends a signal to the addicts brain that you are weak .. and worse yet, weaker than the he or she is.. YOU are weak enough for the both of them .. therefore this triggers a lack of respect and breeds contempt and hatred towards you.
The addict doesn't need you to fix him/her
The addict needs you to be strong where he or she is weak. STAND FIRM! You will be the enemy at first and maybe for a while .. but the addict knows deep down in their heart whose love is real, true and in their best interest.
__________________
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
No longer devastated; no longer broken-hearted.
As mentioned in another thread, I found out that in my state I can counter-file for Divorce WITH Cause...alcoholism, mental cruelty, marital misbehavior. This has been so empowering.
For a short time, this brought my H to his knees. He came home from Rehab early (because of work issues), and moved back in with me. It was very nice for a few days. We went to Open AA meetings together; we felt like we were bonding together again. We were determined not to divorce (despite his relatives' insistance....his relatives do NOT know us or really even know him...see the OP).
However, then his demons came into play. Without telling me, he began to take a lower-dose of his anti-depressants (because of sexual concerns). This caused his "controlled mood" to fade in the evenings, and - out of nowhere - he began "picking fights." The first night he did this, I sat stunned that he would go out of his way to ruin a "good night" (we had gone to an Open AA meeting and then went out to dinner).
The next night (Thursday nite) I had to go out of town for a night (business reasons). My AH got drunk, called me over 25 times between midnight and 3 am. I got concerned and texted his therapist that he appeared to be suicidal (not surprising since reducing his anti-D meds will bring on suicidal thoughts).
The next night (Friday night), I returned home and we went to another Open AA meeting. He confessed that he had broken sobriety, but his story was a combo of "feeling very bad" and "I've let my rehab friends down because they all looked up to me since I hadn't been a life-long drunk like they've been." (AH thinks he's better than others since he's functioning, has a long-held job, and hasn't been drinking since his teens like others). He also ended up annoying the AA leader and the two exchanged heated words at the end of the meeting. I quickly left the room when it became embarrassing.
I texted his therapist again stating that AH needs to be back in rehab, and that I had found that he had a bottle of pain meds that were prescribed to one of his rehab friends. He claimed that the person "left the meds" in his car, but when asked why he didn't return them, he said he was keeping them to use because his hip hurts.
I also told his therapist that he had been taking Seroquel - a Rx that he got from ANOTHER rehab friend. That drug is for bi-polar disorder, which my AH doesn't have. The med made my H look unbelievably "drugged out".
Well, on the day before Thanksgiving, his therapist showed my AH the texts and he flipped out. Of course, he couldn't deny that the words weren't true, but instead just focused on how he couldn't "trust me." ( roll eyes ).
Oh, and I asked my H if his Rehab psychiatrist had diagnosed him with a personality disorder, and he said, "no". (angrily, he said no, which shocked me since my sister is a therapist and she insisted that he was Axis II, and my own therapist said so as well).
So, instead of spending T-giving as a family (as planned), he got into his car and drove back to Illinois where his relatives are. Again, his relatives are convinced that I am the most evil thing on earth. BUT, my AH accidentally left ALL of his papers from rehab in MY CAR, (also left all of his divorce papers/notes). So, I've spent the last couple days going thru 2 shopping bags full of papers/notes (making copies, etc).
Lo and behold I found his Nov 1 report from his Rehab psychiatrist. YES! She did dx him with a Personality Disorder Axis II with the DSM code. So, AH either lied or didn't carefully read the report (unlikely since he's really into medical reports.). So, my sister, my therapist and I have been redeemed since we have all said that he has a personality disorder....which he has staunchly denied.
Of course, a Personality Disorder is a life-long issue. Not caused by a spouse (lol...since he claims that I'm the cause of all of his problems.). His PD was likely caused by being predisposed biologically, but "brought out" by having a very domineering/angry/abusive father, and a lame/permissive mother. Both of his parents were Adult Children of Alcoholics.
So, today I'm actually quite happy that he's out of my life. I look forward to this divorce. He will fall apart, but at this point, I really don't care. I am moving on with my life. I deserve to have a normal, healthy, mentally-stable man in my life at some point in the future (not too soon...want to spend more time in therapy for co-dependency).
As mentioned in another thread, I found out that in my state I can counter-file for Divorce WITH Cause...alcoholism, mental cruelty, marital misbehavior. This has been so empowering.
For a short time, this brought my H to his knees. He came home from Rehab early (because of work issues), and moved back in with me. It was very nice for a few days. We went to Open AA meetings together; we felt like we were bonding together again. We were determined not to divorce (despite his relatives' insistance....his relatives do NOT know us or really even know him...see the OP).
However, then his demons came into play. Without telling me, he began to take a lower-dose of his anti-depressants (because of sexual concerns). This caused his "controlled mood" to fade in the evenings, and - out of nowhere - he began "picking fights." The first night he did this, I sat stunned that he would go out of his way to ruin a "good night" (we had gone to an Open AA meeting and then went out to dinner).
The next night (Thursday nite) I had to go out of town for a night (business reasons). My AH got drunk, called me over 25 times between midnight and 3 am. I got concerned and texted his therapist that he appeared to be suicidal (not surprising since reducing his anti-D meds will bring on suicidal thoughts).
The next night (Friday night), I returned home and we went to another Open AA meeting. He confessed that he had broken sobriety, but his story was a combo of "feeling very bad" and "I've let my rehab friends down because they all looked up to me since I hadn't been a life-long drunk like they've been." (AH thinks he's better than others since he's functioning, has a long-held job, and hasn't been drinking since his teens like others). He also ended up annoying the AA leader and the two exchanged heated words at the end of the meeting. I quickly left the room when it became embarrassing.
I texted his therapist again stating that AH needs to be back in rehab, and that I had found that he had a bottle of pain meds that were prescribed to one of his rehab friends. He claimed that the person "left the meds" in his car, but when asked why he didn't return them, he said he was keeping them to use because his hip hurts.
I also told his therapist that he had been taking Seroquel - a Rx that he got from ANOTHER rehab friend. That drug is for bi-polar disorder, which my AH doesn't have. The med made my H look unbelievably "drugged out".
Well, on the day before Thanksgiving, his therapist showed my AH the texts and he flipped out. Of course, he couldn't deny that the words weren't true, but instead just focused on how he couldn't "trust me." ( roll eyes ).
Oh, and I asked my H if his Rehab psychiatrist had diagnosed him with a personality disorder, and he said, "no". (angrily, he said no, which shocked me since my sister is a therapist and she insisted that he was Axis II, and my own therapist said so as well).
So, instead of spending T-giving as a family (as planned), he got into his car and drove back to Illinois where his relatives are. Again, his relatives are convinced that I am the most evil thing on earth. BUT, my AH accidentally left ALL of his papers from rehab in MY CAR, (also left all of his divorce papers/notes). So, I've spent the last couple days going thru 2 shopping bags full of papers/notes (making copies, etc).
Lo and behold I found his Nov 1 report from his Rehab psychiatrist. YES! She did dx him with a Personality Disorder Axis II with the DSM code. So, AH either lied or didn't carefully read the report (unlikely since he's really into medical reports.). So, my sister, my therapist and I have been redeemed since we have all said that he has a personality disorder....which he has staunchly denied.
Of course, a Personality Disorder is a life-long issue. Not caused by a spouse (lol...since he claims that I'm the cause of all of his problems.). His PD was likely caused by being predisposed biologically, but "brought out" by having a very domineering/angry/abusive father, and a lame/permissive mother. Both of his parents were Adult Children of Alcoholics.
So, today I'm actually quite happy that he's out of my life. I look forward to this divorce. He will fall apart, but at this point, I really don't care. I am moving on with my life. I deserve to have a normal, healthy, mentally-stable man in my life at some point in the future (not too soon...want to spend more time in therapy for co-dependency).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so very sorry you're in this painful situation. What will be the biggest help is Alanon where we learn we're powerless over other people, places and things. There's nothing you can say or do that will change or affect your husband and now you must put the focus on taking care of yourself and your children. I'll pray for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
BHW
I am truly sorry for this blindside event. I have been on the side of trying to get them help, been on the side of Its them not me, and financially devastated. I can tell you WE are not 100% without guilt. We are 100% powerless of their decisions and their action. We can seek God and find our own way. Reading your post I would like to pull something out. If You were his 'Rock' then that is no way to have a relationship. We are humans, we are emotional, we make mistakes, we change, we move, and we squirm. If I was someones rock then they are not only going to be disappointed but shaken off their feet. (I was also a rock to my 1st wife in many ways).
Todays divorce may not be next years choice for you guys. It might be another awesome chapter for you. Only God knows. I would ask you to consider working on you and your relationship with God than worrying about your and your husbands. One you have a choice and the other you do not. Control comes into play here. Let go or not. Your Control and the way you want things (control) or let things play out. Why not use this to grow and heal, to be a better mom, friend, child of God?
Up to you. Control or let things Go..
AG
I am truly sorry for this blindside event. I have been on the side of trying to get them help, been on the side of Its them not me, and financially devastated. I can tell you WE are not 100% without guilt. We are 100% powerless of their decisions and their action. We can seek God and find our own way. Reading your post I would like to pull something out. If You were his 'Rock' then that is no way to have a relationship. We are humans, we are emotional, we make mistakes, we change, we move, and we squirm. If I was someones rock then they are not only going to be disappointed but shaken off their feet. (I was also a rock to my 1st wife in many ways).
Todays divorce may not be next years choice for you guys. It might be another awesome chapter for you. Only God knows. I would ask you to consider working on you and your relationship with God than worrying about your and your husbands. One you have a choice and the other you do not. Control comes into play here. Let go or not. Your Control and the way you want things (control) or let things play out. Why not use this to grow and heal, to be a better mom, friend, child of God?
Up to you. Control or let things Go..
AG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have to agree with AlwaysGrowing that working on yourself and your co-dependency (as you say you intend to continue doing) is the very best thing from this point forward.
It is a very delicate matter when a family member calls someone's therapist to report on the client's behavior. It is also a very delicate matter when a family member reads notes from therapy sessions which should be solely the domain of the therapist and client. Even if that client is an alcoholic. Even if that client has a personality disorder.
In crisis and pain, we sometimes take desperate measures which serve no one's highest good. In your recovery from codependency, you can examine the need to control--which is always the result of being in a relationship with an unstable person--and you will find some peace about letting go. Entirely.
As is often said here by those in recovery, if we look at the behavior of the alcoholic or addict, and make our choices for our highest good based on the effects of that behavior on our mental health, then we will find we can let go of proving that the alcoholic is drinking or using, is crazy or not crazy. We simply go to our own center, ask ourselves "Is this relationship damaging me?' and then take measures to step away if it is.
You have been through a lot of pain and confusion, and I hope you find a very good support group there who can help you rebuild your self-confidence and help you deepen your connection with your Higher Power. As AlwaysGrowing said, when we have that spiritual foundation, then the hard knocks are not so hard anymore.
It is a very delicate matter when a family member calls someone's therapist to report on the client's behavior. It is also a very delicate matter when a family member reads notes from therapy sessions which should be solely the domain of the therapist and client. Even if that client is an alcoholic. Even if that client has a personality disorder.
In crisis and pain, we sometimes take desperate measures which serve no one's highest good. In your recovery from codependency, you can examine the need to control--which is always the result of being in a relationship with an unstable person--and you will find some peace about letting go. Entirely.
As is often said here by those in recovery, if we look at the behavior of the alcoholic or addict, and make our choices for our highest good based on the effects of that behavior on our mental health, then we will find we can let go of proving that the alcoholic is drinking or using, is crazy or not crazy. We simply go to our own center, ask ourselves "Is this relationship damaging me?' and then take measures to step away if it is.
You have been through a lot of pain and confusion, and I hope you find a very good support group there who can help you rebuild your self-confidence and help you deepen your connection with your Higher Power. As AlwaysGrowing said, when we have that spiritual foundation, then the hard knocks are not so hard anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Oh yes, I've been going to Al Anon for several weeks now. As for working on my relationship with God...oh yes, that is what has gotten me thru this so far. My therapist says that I'm a victim of Domestic Violence...mental cruelty and verbal abuse (I have recordings).
I agree that being someone's rock is not a great way to have a marriage. I didn't choose that position; I didn't realize that my AH has a Dependent Personality Disorder. I didn't realize that he had a deep-rooted issue as to why he depended on me so much. I thought he was just lazy. lol...
We had a very traditional marriage in regards to "roles"...he earned the money, and I took care of the home and family. I didn't realize that his lack of interest in home issues/decisions was part of the disorder...I just thought he felt that his job was his work, and my job was everything else.
As for controlling things....lol...what a joke. When the other spouse isn't making any decisions (at all), my decisions were "by default"...not because I was veto-ing his choices. "Where do you want to go on vacation." "I don't care; you do a good job picking and planning; that's fine with me." Sorry, but I'm not being "controlling" just because I then plan the vacation since he has no interest in planning/participation.
I agree that being someone's rock is not a great way to have a marriage. I didn't choose that position; I didn't realize that my AH has a Dependent Personality Disorder. I didn't realize that he had a deep-rooted issue as to why he depended on me so much. I thought he was just lazy. lol...
We had a very traditional marriage in regards to "roles"...he earned the money, and I took care of the home and family. I didn't realize that his lack of interest in home issues/decisions was part of the disorder...I just thought he felt that his job was his work, and my job was everything else.
As for controlling things....lol...what a joke. When the other spouse isn't making any decisions (at all), my decisions were "by default"...not because I was veto-ing his choices. "Where do you want to go on vacation." "I don't care; you do a good job picking and planning; that's fine with me." Sorry, but I'm not being "controlling" just because I then plan the vacation since he has no interest in planning/participation.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife
So, today I'm actually quite happy that he's out of my life. I look forward to this divorce. He will fall apart, but at this point, I really don't care. I am moving on with my life. I deserve to have a normal, healthy, mentally-stable man in my life at some point in the future (not too soon...want to spend more time in therapy for co-dependency).
Good luck BHW!
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