lydliu

Good afternoon,

I thought I posted this, but it never went up so here is a summary of my issues.

Partner of 4 and half years we have 2 great kids
I moved in before got pregnant and he is smoking weed since
the last 3 and half years have been spent angry, worn, dissappointed, pleading and lonely. The promise of quitting so many times I no longer believe it will happen although I would like to think he could or hope he would.
He projects it onto me saying I am not committed enough and do not plan our day, I do everything else with our two kids house bills etc. Yes I will announce were it not for the kids I would be gonski as right now I do not have a job am on maternity leave but am sitting some exams and have some options that I will be back in work in the next few months.

I have tried it all, he no longer smokes out the back it was a lot worse he no longer smokes in middle of night but he still shoots up as I say 3 times a day and always before he goes to bed. We are no longer intimate, given I am not the most affectionate of people I need to be led or warmed up and the problem is he is happy to have a self serve, in fairness sex has always been about his pleasure mine is secondary. He now helps himself after a joint and to be fair he is not lamenting the fact that we are not intimate nor am I, I wonder if I will ever meet someone who I have a connection with.

I will put my hand up and say I am not a needy girl and have come from a strong hard working background. Having the kids sure puts a lot on the backburner and I know he has given up asking me for some, but I find it hard to be attracted to somebody who always puts himself first and makes me feel like a fool.

My kids, I really love them and treasure them as does he but not enough to quit. His son asks every time where daddy he left me I want to go with him, leaves me telling him porkies. Last of all, I don't want them smoking pot either, Its hard enough to watch your partner go through it but they are my world.

Okay thanks for letting me vent, I have no family where I live and everybody these days is too busy with life and where I live it is common to smoke it.

I would like to build myself up so I am not angry and eventually leave and give our kids all the love and reassurance that we love them but sometimes we need to live apart to be the best parents we can be

Thanks
Una

Ann

Welcome to SR, Una.

The way you are living is no life for you or your children, and I am sorry it has become this bad.

Perhaps make a plan for the future for how you can move on. My guess is you are the financial support in the family anyway, and even if you are not I am sure you could be.

You and your children deserve better, I hope you find it one day soon.

Hugs

lydliu

Thanks Ann,

Appreciate your reply. I feel bad as sometimes I feel like I have not been sure of the relationship but went along with the flow so to speak , now i feel like I have pretended all is well to him when its not. My problem is trusting myself to make good decision as I have not made good decisions in the past, so I go with the flow and put others first and so long as they are happy then I am. These days it is my kids, that I want to make happy. I know I need to be putting me first its not healthy.

After me telling him off and going on, an hour or so later he is on the phone thinking its all cool and we are back to where we started. I find it hard to stay angry all the time with him and the funny thing is he disciplines our son a lot when he has never been and constantly pushes the boundaries.

Thanks again

GardenMama

I am so sorry for your painful situation. You and your children deserve so much better. Perhaps you should look for a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting where you live, and go to one asap. Sometimes they offer childcare, too. Trusting more in yourself--or learning to--will be a good step in the right direction. You know this is not good and you certainly sound like a smart & capable woman. If you were my daughter/sister/friend I'd say, Keep those babies nearby, make a plan, love yourself first, and move on to the kind of future you deserve.

Faithlove

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found a place to talk with people who care.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time in your life. I also have a very hard time trusting in myself. So, I make one decision, but then I change my mind, and make another, etc. I'm pretty fickle when it comes to my personal life. I think this is because we are constantly wanting to make others happy so we sacrifice our own happiness.

I'm learning to stop doing that. I'm also learning that our kids need a happy, healthy, parent.....that's you (or me)! Please read the stickies at the top of this forum. I'd also recommend Codependent No More and Boundaries.

Learning about boundaries, and then to put them in place, is key!

Keep posting and give your sweet babies a hug!!

lydliu

Thank you for all the great posts, I often wonder if I am making a mountain out of a molehill especially when I get up after a nights sleep.

Last night I guess I had a chat with him when kids were in bed, told him how I felt, he came back with what are you doing from your side? You don't show me affection and give me a wide berth when passing in the hall, so you want me to quit but are are you going to change? He is correct that I am not as affectionate as I could be , but I did say to him you coming back smelling of weed is no turn on for me and it makes me angry. I said it would be like me coming in after jumping into bed with the neighbor and I was trying to be extra nice to you and you knew where I was. So as with all our arguments, it didn't end with anything I went back to study and him to the telly, later he came over to me and said was I up for it! I said I am studying he said you couldn't stop for five minutes for the sake of the relationship and went to bed. He is not a very social person and to be honest I am not a very expressive person when it comes to affection. I do things for him rather than display affection with words so I do know it cannot be easy to be with someone who is not consistently telling you and showing you how much they love you. I have faults too ones I need to work on.

This morning he got up and did the laundry and didn't go out for a joint, he is now gone to work after busying himself all morning we spoke only to confirm if our girl was sleeping. MY son probably overheard the heated conversation last night and was acting out a bit this morning. Anyhow that is my story, he has pulled up his socks a lot and is trying to cut back but with all his mates coneheads and my inability to arrange his days off so he is kept busy as he said to me once its up to you if I go back on it!

Alright best go thanks again, my story is by no means as hard as some of what the others put up with, he is the main breadwinner now but is good with handing me over the money and does encourage me to go out with mates and take a break from the kids, he is a very black and white man and is the type that comes out with comments were all thinking but would never say. He doesn't realize sometimes how different he is.

Thanks

kmangel

Your husband's smoking dope, or not smoking dope, is not your responsibility. It is totally up to him whether or not he meets up with fellow users or brings dope into your home.

You have to decide whether or not his smoking dope is something you can live with.

lydliu

Thanks Kmangel,

You know what you say is so true, if I look inwards I am saying if only he would change or do this or that thus avoiding having to make a decision myself about the whole thing.
Honestly, I can handle a social conehead who may at the weekend or every so often light up, but daily is a huge problem for me, it makes me feel like he needs it to cope with the day and me mainly. I hate covering up for him but then if I am to be honest I am ashamed to tell anyone as it reflects on my decision making again and then when you have a big argument and you go and tell a mate and then you tell them later oh we made up all is good I feel foolish. Anyhow what I am finding on my short time on this forum is that I have to look inwards and see why I have let this happen and also I seem to be a co dependent ( just read the signs and gosh I am most of them), something I use to sneer at when other women stayed with men that were no good at. I can say I am putting the kids first by staying but then that is always my problem I am incapable of putting me first and I have a family of sisters who are the same but would be too ashamed to admit it.

thanks for your advice
Take care