Hello - New and looking for a way out of this mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Hello - New and looking for a way out of this mess
Hello all,
This is sort of a last resort for me coming and publicly speaking of my issues with abuse. I truly need some help here because I am in jeopardy of loosing my family.
To start off, I am a 29 year old father of 5 kids and a small business owner. The past 2 to 3 years I have picked up drinking heavily. My thought process has always been that as long as I don't drink around the kids and I do it behind closed doors that everything will be fine. Of course that is not the case - so after an extremely bad night with my better half.... I decided to make some major changes in my drinking habits : I knocked it down to one night a week. Well even that hasn't helped, because I get extremely intoxicated and remember very little of the previous night - which I am told and remember very little but that I am getting violent. Seeing the aftermath the next day is extremely sad - and I tell myself never again.... then after a week I do it again (telling myself that it won't happen again). Im in jeopardy of loosing the woman and kids I love. What can I do?!?!? This is much tougher then I ever expected :/
This is sort of a last resort for me coming and publicly speaking of my issues with abuse. I truly need some help here because I am in jeopardy of loosing my family.
To start off, I am a 29 year old father of 5 kids and a small business owner. The past 2 to 3 years I have picked up drinking heavily. My thought process has always been that as long as I don't drink around the kids and I do it behind closed doors that everything will be fine. Of course that is not the case - so after an extremely bad night with my better half.... I decided to make some major changes in my drinking habits : I knocked it down to one night a week. Well even that hasn't helped, because I get extremely intoxicated and remember very little of the previous night - which I am told and remember very little but that I am getting violent. Seeing the aftermath the next day is extremely sad - and I tell myself never again.... then after a week I do it again (telling myself that it won't happen again). Im in jeopardy of loosing the woman and kids I love. What can I do?!?!? This is much tougher then I ever expected :/
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Santa Monica, CA
Posts: 168
i knocked it down to once a week n had the same problem. I got in a fist fight with my brother two weeks ago, in front of our parents. I had no choice but to stop drinking, entirely. What if you had your children stay at their grandparents or aunts or something on the one night of the week while you drink? At least until you can get your drinking under control..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 143
You did the first step which is reaching out and realizing you need help. Since you don't drink everyday right now, you have to ask yourself when you decide to drink and decide to do it all over again....what are you saying to yourself? Why are you choosing to drink that day. Are you happy that day, sad, mad? Or do you even know. I am 14 days sober and was heavily drinking daily near the end but remember the days when I was choosing my drinking days. Looking back now I can see triggers on those days. Not necessarily bad things, for example I would reward myself with a night of getting plastered at home for having the house all clean. All of these were excuses for wanting to drink. Sounds like for the most part you have a great life and you want to keep it that way. So happy you joined us here...I would be drunk right now if it weren't for my want to quit but more importantly the incredible support I have received here. Go on here everyday, several times a day...read and write and talk. If you haven't drank today...count today as day 1...and tomorrow day 2. Counting helps....it makes me feel powerful and strong. It will help you identify with others here. The chat room is a great place to get instant support and answers. There are meetings in the chat rooms on Tuesday and Friday nights at 9 pm, not sure where you are from but I am in Toronto Canada and it is 9 for me. Since you say you keep drinking on that one day a week...you must make it over that week it will be a huge milestone for you. And feel great!!!! Many on here are AA members and find huge support there. You can do this....I did this. And I drank A LOT!!!! For 20 years. You have the strength and you have a life. Good luck and we are all here for you and cheering you on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by trikuza 
i knocked it down to once a week n had the same problem. I got in a fist fight with my brother two weeks ago, in front of our parents. I had no choice but to stop drinking, entirely. What if you had your children stay at their grandparents or aunts or something on the one night of the week while you drink? At least until you can get your drinking under control..
My abuse history :
2 years of military - drinking a 1/5 every day .... using ecstasy and cocaine fairly regularly - I was sent to rehab which helped a bit, but it took having my first daughter to change.
3 years passed where life was all around great - family wise and financially. No issues with abuse until I went through a divorce - then it all cranked back up heavily.
for about 2 years I drank heavily again - got arrested multiple times and lost my license. I walked to work and back everday for a year just to basically punish myself - and it worked. I traded the addiction for alcohol for the addiction of training MMA.
Once I stopping training MMA due to injuries and time away from family - I started a business. The stress from the business + personal issues with betterhalf brought the alcohol issues back.
I do know that when I do something I go all the way - including drinking, and I truly cannot pick up one drink - but I really need help finding out some sort of method to get these thoughts of "its ok" or "everything will be alright" if I have a drink - cause in all actuality there is no answer other than to quit. Maybe even writing this will help - not sure, but I have to try something new :/
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome to a great place, anewchance. SR helped me find hope and encouragement after drinking for a lifetime. I'm so glad you joined us. You're not alone with this - we all understand how you're feeling.
I, too, was forced to admit that I couldn't touch the stuff. I tried for decades to control the amounts I drank. At the end of my drinking career, every single time I picked up it ended in danger and unpredictable behavior. I insisted it was a matter of willpower - that if I tried hard enough I could still have 'a few' now and then. The few always turned into 10 - and chaos followed.
In the end, it was so much easier for me to just stop all together. Trying to manage it was failing, and taking a terrible toll. Once I learned to live without my buffer, the relief was huge. I learned I didn't need it to fall back on - it was making me miserable, not happy or relaxed. Please keep reading and posting - you can change your life and have a new beginning.
I, too, was forced to admit that I couldn't touch the stuff. I tried for decades to control the amounts I drank. At the end of my drinking career, every single time I picked up it ended in danger and unpredictable behavior. I insisted it was a matter of willpower - that if I tried hard enough I could still have 'a few' now and then. The few always turned into 10 - and chaos followed.
In the end, it was so much easier for me to just stop all together. Trying to manage it was failing, and taking a terrible toll. Once I learned to live without my buffer, the relief was huge. I learned I didn't need it to fall back on - it was making me miserable, not happy or relaxed. Please keep reading and posting - you can change your life and have a new beginning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by missingtheoldme
You did the first step which is reaching out and realizing you need help. Since you don't drink everyday right now, you have to ask yourself when you decide to drink and decide to do it all over again....what are you saying to yourself? Why are you choosing to drink that day. Are you happy that day, sad, mad? Or do you even know. I am 14 days sober and was heavily drinking daily near the end but remember the days when I was choosing my drinking days. Looking back now I can see triggers on those days. Not necessarily bad things, for example I would reward myself with a night of getting plastered at home for having the house all clean. All of these were excuses for wanting to drink. Sounds like for the most part you have a great life and you want to keep it that way. So happy you joined us here...I would be drunk right now if it weren't for my want to quit but more importantly the incredible support I have received here. Go on here everyday, several times a day...read and write and talk. If you haven't drank today...count today as day 1...and tomorrow day 2. Counting helps....it makes me feel powerful and strong. It will help you identify with others here. The chat room is a great place to get instant support and answers. There are meetings in the chat rooms on Tuesday and Friday nights at 9 pm, not sure where you are from but I am in Toronto Canada and it is 9 for me. Since you say you keep drinking on that one day a week...you must make it over that week it will be a huge milestone for you. And feel great!!!! Many on here are AA members and find huge support there. You can do this....I did this. And I drank A LOT!!!! For 20 years. You have the strength and you have a life. Good luck and we are all here for you and cheering you on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Welcome to a great place, anewchance. SR helped me find hope and encouragement after drinking for a lifetime. I'm so glad you joined us. You're not alone with this - we all understand how you're feeling.
I, too, was forced to admit that I couldn't touch the stuff. I tried for decades to control the amounts I drank. At the end of my drinking career, every single time I picked up it ended in danger and unpredictable behavior. I insisted it was a matter of willpower - that if I tried hard enough I could still have 'a few' now and then. The few always turned into 10 - and chaos followed.
In the end, it was so much easier for me to just stop all together. Trying to manage it was failing, and taking a terrible toll. Once I learned to live without my buffer, the relief was huge. I learned I didn't need it to fall back on - it was making me miserable, not happy or relaxed. Please keep reading and posting - you can change your life and have a new beginning.
I, too, was forced to admit that I couldn't touch the stuff. I tried for decades to control the amounts I drank. At the end of my drinking career, every single time I picked up it ended in danger and unpredictable behavior. I insisted it was a matter of willpower - that if I tried hard enough I could still have 'a few' now and then. The few always turned into 10 - and chaos followed.
In the end, it was so much easier for me to just stop all together. Trying to manage it was failing, and taking a terrible toll. Once I learned to live without my buffer, the relief was huge. I learned I didn't need it to fall back on - it was making me miserable, not happy or relaxed. Please keep reading and posting - you can change your life and have a new beginning.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Originally Posted by anewchance
I truly cannot pick up one drink - but I really need help finding out some sort of method to get these thoughts of "its ok" or "everything will be alright" if I have a drink - cause in all actuality there is no answer other than to quit. Maybe even writing this will help - not sure, but I have to try something new :/
The odds seem to improve when people start to incorporate elements of programs or methods that have worked for many others. There is a secular connections forum here that has a lot of information about AVRT for example. The Alcoholics Anonymous program has helped literally millions of folks who could never seem to be able to have just 1.
The odds really seem to get better when a person goes beyond adopting aspects of a program(s) and really adopts one of the two previously mentioned programs and follows it completely.
In any case I would recommend that you at least follow the example of someone with multiple years of sobriety and/or draw heavily from one or more of the proven programs/methods.
I think your exactly right. You need to try something new. I hope you choose something that works well for you.
Euphoric Recaller
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
I made all the resolutions and rationalizations too. Eventually my drinking got worse and worse and worse till it was far worse than I ever thought possible. Then I joined a program of recovery and haven't looked back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Welcome to SR anewchance,
Your story has been told countless times here at SR and many have made it through the difficulties and found new ways of dealing with life's struggles. So welcome again.
One of the most eye-opening realizations I had was that a lot of my anger came from not being able to control my drinking, which would then make me angry, then I'd drink and the anger would come out in spades. I would take out my anger on total strangers, and feel totally ashamed the next day, barely being able to recall the incident. Alcoholics as a rule do not deal with anger very well, so we get drunk to escape and inevitably add more problems to our overloaded coping abilities. We also have strong tendencies to build resentments toward anyone who is crazy enough or cares enough to point out the damage alcohol is wrecking in our lives. So then we get peeved at them, which certainly does little to endear us to them and vice versa. Even the best relationships are hard enough without booze involved, but throw in a few cocktails and we can't handle a simple whisper without thinking the world is against us. We're overly sensitive and are always on guard for the slightest disapproval.
Once we embark on a solid path of recovery, we begin to find the tools to dig ourselves out of the pit of dispair we've dug ourselves into while drinking. Some of these tools are asking for forgiveness, trying to be there for our families in any way we can, trying to care for ourselves while learning to care for others, and learning not to take life so seriously that we forget to enjoy it. It's never much fun being around a sour puss, sober or not.
The gift you have today is that you no longer have to struggle with this problem alone. The members here are some of the most amazing people on the planet, and I've been around a bit so I know that as a fact. This group saves lives daily and no one asks for anything other than we treat ourselves like we really matter, because we really do matter, to the members here, our families and communities at large.
You've found a great place to share your new chance. Grab it with all the gusto you have and you'll discover that life, with all it's ups and downs, is surely enough in and of itself to keep us interested, if we pay attention.
Your story has been told countless times here at SR and many have made it through the difficulties and found new ways of dealing with life's struggles. So welcome again.
One of the most eye-opening realizations I had was that a lot of my anger came from not being able to control my drinking, which would then make me angry, then I'd drink and the anger would come out in spades. I would take out my anger on total strangers, and feel totally ashamed the next day, barely being able to recall the incident. Alcoholics as a rule do not deal with anger very well, so we get drunk to escape and inevitably add more problems to our overloaded coping abilities. We also have strong tendencies to build resentments toward anyone who is crazy enough or cares enough to point out the damage alcohol is wrecking in our lives. So then we get peeved at them, which certainly does little to endear us to them and vice versa. Even the best relationships are hard enough without booze involved, but throw in a few cocktails and we can't handle a simple whisper without thinking the world is against us. We're overly sensitive and are always on guard for the slightest disapproval.
Once we embark on a solid path of recovery, we begin to find the tools to dig ourselves out of the pit of dispair we've dug ourselves into while drinking. Some of these tools are asking for forgiveness, trying to be there for our families in any way we can, trying to care for ourselves while learning to care for others, and learning not to take life so seriously that we forget to enjoy it. It's never much fun being around a sour puss, sober or not.
The gift you have today is that you no longer have to struggle with this problem alone. The members here are some of the most amazing people on the planet, and I've been around a bit so I know that as a fact. This group saves lives daily and no one asks for anything other than we treat ourselves like we really matter, because we really do matter, to the members here, our families and communities at large.
You've found a great place to share your new chance. Grab it with all the gusto you have and you'll discover that life, with all it's ups and downs, is surely enough in and of itself to keep us interested, if we pay attention.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR anewchance 
I did that it's ok if it's behind closed doors thing too, kind of a 'it's not happening if no one sees it' kind of thing. Have a chat with your doctor and look into some recovery methods like AA, AVRT, SMART. You'll get lots of help and support here x
I did that it's ok if it's behind closed doors thing too, kind of a 'it's not happening if no one sees it' kind of thing. Have a chat with your doctor and look into some recovery methods like AA, AVRT, SMART. You'll get lots of help and support here x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Thank you everyone! I feel very welcomed already... I appreciate that.
This hits it right on the head for me :/ Thanx for sharing man.
Originally Posted by firestorm090
One of the most eye-opening realizations I had was that a lot of my anger came from not being able to control my drinking, which would then make me angry, then I'd drink and the anger would come out in spades. I would take out my anger on total strangers, and feel totally ashamed the next day, barely being able to recall the incident. Alcoholics as a rule do not deal with anger very well, so we get drunk to escape and inevitably add more problems to our overloaded coping abilities. We also have strong tendencies to build resentments toward anyone who is crazy enough or cares enough to point out the damage alcohol is wrecking in our lives. So then we get peeved at them, which certainly does little to endear us to them and vice versa. Even the best relationships are hard enough without booze involved, but throw in a few cocktails and we can't handle a simple whisper without thinking the world is against us. We're overly sensitive and are always on guard for the slightest disapproval.
This hits it right on the head for me :/ Thanx for sharing man.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome Anewchance,
Being on here shows you are taking positive strips.mi only have six days sober, but this site has helped. I know that in order to move forward I need to forgive my past mistakes. I can only make better choices in the future.
I have three children as well, and they are definitely motivation to stay away from the wine! Good luck on your new journey.
Being on here shows you are taking positive strips.mi only have six days sober, but this site has helped. I know that in order to move forward I need to forgive my past mistakes. I can only make better choices in the future.
I have three children as well, and they are definitely motivation to stay away from the wine! Good luck on your new journey.
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