Rosiepetal

Hi, after reading some stickies I found helpful lastnight, I had a lightbulb moment when I read about the frog in the boiling pot (can't remember what it was called sorry). I read the alcoholism is a progressive disease & I have a question about that. Does that mean that the drinking will get heavier & the bad behaviour worse over time? If this is the case the lightbulb moment was true & I am so better off for leaving.

suki44883

Yes, that is what it means. Yes, you are better off leaving now.

FenwayFaithful

As an alcoholic whose been with an addict... I can tell you from BOTH side that's exactly what it means.
And there are NO exceptions.
It takes more and more to get high or drunk. For a while you "control" it, you fool everyone, Hell you even fool yourself. Then you get caught up in the lies and the guilt and chasing the high and it just gets wore and worse and you drink/use because you forget how to live any other way and eventually you lose everything. Maybe it takes a bit but eventually it always ends up the same.
I thought my addict was different that if I just loved him or helped him enough then he would be able to stay clean NOPE he's in jail now and he broke me down emotionally, financially, socially...in pretty much every way, my life fell apart and I'm still picking up the pieces.
Even when we go into recovery our emotions are out of control, we're no fun to be around (at least I'm not!) My emotions are everywhere I know I wouldn't be any fun to be in a relationship with right now, I wouldn't be able to give another person what they deserve. Recovery is something you need to commit 100 percent to, it just doesn't leave time to commit to a relationship.
And it doesn't sound like the person in question for you is anywhere near even considering recovery...eventually his/her world will come crashing down. It's up to you to decide if you want to be there when it does.

onlythetruth

Really? That's always the answer? Every time? For everyone?

suki44883

Well, OTT, I don't intend to argue with you, but she knows her situation better than you or I, and if she felt the need to leave, then who are you or I to say otherwise? Nowhere did I say it was ALWAYS the answer, every time for everyone. Take a chill pill, dude.

fluffyflea

Yes that is what it means by getting worse and yes you are right in leaving if he is not getting help.

onlythetruth

I don't mean to argue with anyone either, I honestly don't. I am well aware that the family and friends of addicted people suffer greatly and are pushed beyond the limit of endurance. And I totally respect that.

I also respect that Rosiepetal has the right to make her own decisions. But she is also new, and here to learn--as are others, who lurk here to read these posts.

And I think that the message that leaving is ALWAYS the thing to do--no exceptions--is a bit on the strong side. That's all I was trying to get across. I think that message is a bit strong, and does not recognize the fact that addicted people do recover.

Rosiepetal

Very interesting posts thank you.
I myself had a drug addiction for 18 months & I am one that has remained clean for 6 years now after sending myself to rehab, so yes some addicts do recover.
I think the message here is that it is the person that has the addiction that must make the change themselves & shouldn't have to be responsible for dragging someone else through the change?
It is unfortunate with such success with my recovery that I have gone on to partner up with an alcoholic. It could be I'm a codie?
May be however I am stronger to deal with the situation given previous experiences.
I do feel sorry for my exABF that he will live a hard life to the end & suffer when all I want is the best for him.

Hollyanne

Rosie, I think it is different when you have children isn't it?
You can make a decision to stay with someone to help them with your experience strength and hope, but when you have children and (I hope I have this right) he is not their dad, you must be more careful.
Well done on your own recovery.

NWGRITS

I'm pretty sure the "no exceptions" part was referring to addiction being progressive. When I read it in context, that's how I understood it. Of course leaving isn't the answer for everyone, and I haven't seen otherwise. It just seems there are a few people who insist on interjecting, even if they're taking certain things out of context. Let's all slow down and actually comprehend what we're reading before jumping onto someone and making accusations.

Rosiepetal, it sounds like you knew it was time for YOU to jump ship, and we're simply affirming that you are totally within your rights to protect yourself. Only you know your situation, and what you can or can't deal with. Welcome to SR!

Rosiepetal

My partner of 20 years (my husband of 8 years) got hooked on meth & I followed hoping I could help & got addicted myself. We had small children then. For me the children were my focus & they were what made me get through everything, luckily I didn't loose focus of them. My husband ran off with my best mate (also an addict) & I lost my husband, my home & my best friend (who split from her husband who was also an addict). My world fell apart but there was never any question of who the kids were to be with (he isolated them from himself for a while which made it real hard). When my marriage split up, my kids & I moved & I over weeks managed to meet up with a friend who convinced me rehab was the way. I straight away went for all the help & support I could & checked into rehab for counselling.Best thing I ever did. I will never go back to meth. My kids were 3 and 6 when we split & are now 8 & 12. My daughters are excelling as I knew they always would. I think it is healthier to leave a relationship (although it wasn't me that really left) even if one parent is an addict/alcoholic so the kids can have a healthy lifestyle than it is to try & stay & make it work. At least if there is change you can always get back together again. My kids are proof of this.

Rosiepetal

The exABY did not live with me & the kids & he did not have much input into them. As you can imagine I am quite protective over them. My exABF has however upset them on several occasions & each time I would talk to them about it & why he was that way. Now I see I was making excuses for his behaviour but we all together knew right from wrong & knew it wasn't acceptable for him to treat us like that. We had "breaks" several times over this. I kept taking him back thinking he'd try to change but never did.

Titanic

Rosiepetal, I applaud you for your own recovery, for recognizing the "codie" risks (check out CoDA & Al-Anon), for inquiring, for thinking and especially for now keeping your children from your xabf (who is not their father)! Kudos! Hats off to you!

TeM

It has been progressive with my AW, though it hasn't been a steady decline. If you could make a chart, it would probably look like one of those economic statistical charts... lots of ups and downs, with a generally downward trend.

While AW doesn't drink more often than she did two years ago, she's become more dishonest and sneaky about it. Two years ago, I would come home and find her drunk, and ask her what she'd been drinking. She would say "Vodka", but deny that she was drunk.

Now she just denies drinking at all. She has also taken up smoking, which she never did before (to my knowledge). She also denies that, even though we can smell it on her and find cigarette butts in the trash.