Feeling unglued...
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Feeling unglued...
I've been feeling totally unglued these past few days.
Then today I see a friend of the xabf and she tells me he's been dating someone for about the past month. Good news is it wasn't the xgf or her so I was happy about that.
But, I can't believe I even care. She promised him she wouldn't tell me who he was dating and it doesn't really matter I know. But, now of course, I'm wondering.
My emotions are everywhere. This is the reacting I've been trying to work through. The same kind of inner stuff that goes on in my mind and makes me go looking for him or call him. The reactions to the emotions. they are just emotions. The old pattern in me wants to call him up, confess my desire and need to be with him and make sure he knows I love and miss him.
The rational side of me is saying...Hold On!! Love him? Miss Him? No, he is damaging to you. Cheated on you. Sucked your life from you. Drank too much, said and did inappropriate things and was way more needy than you wanted in your life. Not to mention the controlling, lying, manipulating stuff that went along with it.
This is harder to go through right now because I have no backup. So, when xabf doesn't love me anymore there isn't anyone else who does.
And, that might be what I'm crying over. Because the times weren't happy. They were filled with arguments and control and me never getting to be who I really am.
Well, I'm guessing whatever the real reason behind my feelings I need to let them out. Maybe once they are out I will feel better. But, this feeling of being in a good place one day and then feeling totally, and I mean, totally unglued is most unnerving. I feel like I could snap at any time. It's been freakin' almost 2 months since I've seen him. I know it takes time, and I've been great at keeping NC but I just want this whole pain, mental anguish to end.
Then today I see a friend of the xabf and she tells me he's been dating someone for about the past month. Good news is it wasn't the xgf or her so I was happy about that.
But, I can't believe I even care. She promised him she wouldn't tell me who he was dating and it doesn't really matter I know. But, now of course, I'm wondering.
My emotions are everywhere. This is the reacting I've been trying to work through. The same kind of inner stuff that goes on in my mind and makes me go looking for him or call him. The reactions to the emotions. they are just emotions. The old pattern in me wants to call him up, confess my desire and need to be with him and make sure he knows I love and miss him.
The rational side of me is saying...Hold On!! Love him? Miss Him? No, he is damaging to you. Cheated on you. Sucked your life from you. Drank too much, said and did inappropriate things and was way more needy than you wanted in your life. Not to mention the controlling, lying, manipulating stuff that went along with it.
This is harder to go through right now because I have no backup. So, when xabf doesn't love me anymore there isn't anyone else who does.
And, that might be what I'm crying over. Because the times weren't happy. They were filled with arguments and control and me never getting to be who I really am.
Well, I'm guessing whatever the real reason behind my feelings I need to let them out. Maybe once they are out I will feel better. But, this feeling of being in a good place one day and then feeling totally, and I mean, totally unglued is most unnerving. I feel like I could snap at any time. It's been freakin' almost 2 months since I've seen him. I know it takes time, and I've been great at keeping NC but I just want this whole pain, mental anguish to end.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
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Hang in there!
Sometimes it's so hard to deal with the aftermath. I know exactly what you mean. Rational me can see just how toxic our life had become together, but emotional me longs to be wanted by him again. I know, it's messed up.
You'll get there. Feel the emotions as they pass. Stay strong. You have a wonderful life waiting for you on the other side of all the pain.
Good work on the NC. And a least you've got your rational side reminding you of why it's over. Keep on reminding yourself, every time you start feeling that little twinge to call or look For him. I've been feeling the same lately.....maybe there's a full moon coming up?!
Sometimes it's so hard to deal with the aftermath. I know exactly what you mean. Rational me can see just how toxic our life had become together, but emotional me longs to be wanted by him again. I know, it's messed up.
You'll get there. Feel the emotions as they pass. Stay strong. You have a wonderful life waiting for you on the other side of all the pain.
Good work on the NC. And a least you've got your rational side reminding you of why it's over. Keep on reminding yourself, every time you start feeling that little twinge to call or look For him. I've been feeling the same lately.....maybe there's a full moon coming up?!
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She promised him she wouldn't tell me who he was dating
This is not a friend.
This is not a person you need to have in your life.
Why did she tell you anything?
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by lillamy 
But she did tell you he is dating.
This is not a friend.
This is not a person you need to have in your life.
Why did she tell you anything?
This is not a friend.
This is not a person you need to have in your life.
Why did she tell you anything?
She told me because I had mentioned to her then that I didn't want to be shocked to see him out with someone. My bigger fear was that it would be xgf and it isn't. That's what I was afraid of most.
I need to get past this point. I don't like not being prepared for things emotionally. Part of my R with my mother and with xabf. If I know about something ahead of time I can deal with it and then my reaction upon seeing it a second time will be diminished and won't be the initial shock.
So, her telling me hurts like hell, but at least I am crying in my own house and not finding out for the first time while being out and watching them together.
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I think being prepared for an A finding someone new to date in no time flat is something you could do without "help"... it's just what they do.
I knew when I left my AXH that he would date someone, anyone, before we even got close to a divorce because that was the only way he could prove to himself that he was right and I was wrong -- that his drinking wasn't a problem and that I was just a nagging you know what.
They need a codie who allows them to drink. They need someone who is evidence to them that we were wrong to leave them.
And that, my friend, has nothing at all to do with love. It's a utilitarian way to use another human being for their own purposes.
Cry until you're done crying. And then take a deep breath and say to yourself, "better her than me, poor woman."
I knew when I left my AXH that he would date someone, anyone, before we even got close to a divorce because that was the only way he could prove to himself that he was right and I was wrong -- that his drinking wasn't a problem and that I was just a nagging you know what.
They need a codie who allows them to drink. They need someone who is evidence to them that we were wrong to leave them.
And that, my friend, has nothing at all to do with love. It's a utilitarian way to use another human being for their own purposes.
Cry until you're done crying. And then take a deep breath and say to yourself, "better her than me, poor woman."
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
When I found out that XABF#3 had gotten married, I was totally blindsided by the emotions I felt. I'd long ago decided he was NOT the person for me, that where I began my dive into codependency was with him and I was as sick as he was.
However, my first thought after hearing about the marriage was "what's wrong with ME? How come no one wants to marry ME? Why wasn't *I* good enough for him". I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years, btw.
In time, I came back to my senses. He married her because she was WAY more codie than I (he was seeing her and someone else while I was with him). I remembered the time he could go from tipsy/happy to hurtful drunk, the lies, the cheating which really wasn't cheating as he always told me "don't like it? Leave" but I "couldn't live without him". I remember the night I crumpled to the ground in tears of the parking lot where we worked, BEGGING him to hit me because I would get over the physical pain easier than the emotional/mental (he didn't).
I told our mutual friend and her daughter (we had met for lunch) "I always wanted to fix him" and they both laughed, shook their heads and said "oh, trust us, he is STILL not fixed". I told them "He couldn't handle the me I am today" and they agreed, though it took my head a few days to believe what I was saying.
So, I don't know if it will help you but it did help me to remember all the things I DIDN'T like about him, but was blinded to by "love". Today, I can honestly say "she can have him AND his baggage" and mean it.
It takes time, sweetie, but what he is doing or who he is seeing has nothing to do with you and the person you are. Keep working on you, what you like, what you want from your life. I promise, you will look back and wonder "what WAS I thinking", like most of us have in time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
However, my first thought after hearing about the marriage was "what's wrong with ME? How come no one wants to marry ME? Why wasn't *I* good enough for him". I haven't seen him in nearly 10 years, btw.
In time, I came back to my senses. He married her because she was WAY more codie than I (he was seeing her and someone else while I was with him). I remembered the time he could go from tipsy/happy to hurtful drunk, the lies, the cheating which really wasn't cheating as he always told me "don't like it? Leave" but I "couldn't live without him". I remember the night I crumpled to the ground in tears of the parking lot where we worked, BEGGING him to hit me because I would get over the physical pain easier than the emotional/mental (he didn't).
I told our mutual friend and her daughter (we had met for lunch) "I always wanted to fix him" and they both laughed, shook their heads and said "oh, trust us, he is STILL not fixed". I told them "He couldn't handle the me I am today" and they agreed, though it took my head a few days to believe what I was saying.
So, I don't know if it will help you but it did help me to remember all the things I DIDN'T like about him, but was blinded to by "love". Today, I can honestly say "she can have him AND his baggage" and mean it.
It takes time, sweetie, but what he is doing or who he is seeing has nothing to do with you and the person you are. Keep working on you, what you like, what you want from your life. I promise, you will look back and wonder "what WAS I thinking", like most of us have in time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
My emotions are everywhere. This is the reacting I've been trying to work through. The same kind of inner stuff that goes on in my mind and makes me go looking for him or call him. The reactions to the emotions. they are just emotions. The old pattern in me wants to call him up, confess my desire and need to be with him and make sure he knows I love and miss him.
The rational side of me is saying...Hold On!! Love him? Miss Him? No, he is damaging to you. Cheated on you. Sucked your life from you. Drank too much, said and did inappropriate things and was way more needy than you wanted in your life. Not to mention the controlling, lying, manipulating stuff that went along with it.
.
The rational side of me is saying...Hold On!! Love him? Miss Him? No, he is damaging to you. Cheated on you. Sucked your life from you. Drank too much, said and did inappropriate things and was way more needy than you wanted in your life. Not to mention the controlling, lying, manipulating stuff that went along with it.
.
I hope it gets easier for both of us.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I keep trying to tell myself this is normal (to some extent!) and that 2 months isn't really long compared to the 3 years we were together. I just really don't like when I get this "unglued" feeling...it is unnerving and like I'm being inhabited by a different person.
Crazy thing is I hear myself saying, oh I bet he'll stop smoking now. He's going to pull his act together and get himself in mental shape and be everything I wanted him to be.
Now, let me say I realize this isn't going to happen. I know who he is and what he is. Women with a much lesser sentence of time with him than me don't ever get to witness the full-on A like I did. I think it must get to that point just around 2-3 months and then it all goes down hill.
But, anytime you break it off with someone, it always seems like they become better with the next person. That's probably only with normal people, but it's a thought. I guess I'm thinking he's going to become less angry, less controlling, more loving and attentive, stop drinking and partying, get a job, clean up his house, learn compassion and understanding, be more present, listen intently and stop making the world all about him.
Yeah, I know. It sounds extremely crazy when I write it all out! Hell it's taken him 2 months to finally get his living room painted, so I heard.
What he does or doesn't do, who he does it with and all that are not my problem or concern.
And, his love...well it wasn't healthy. But, whatever it was, it's still pulling on me.
Crazy thing is I hear myself saying, oh I bet he'll stop smoking now. He's going to pull his act together and get himself in mental shape and be everything I wanted him to be.
Now, let me say I realize this isn't going to happen. I know who he is and what he is. Women with a much lesser sentence of time with him than me don't ever get to witness the full-on A like I did. I think it must get to that point just around 2-3 months and then it all goes down hill.
But, anytime you break it off with someone, it always seems like they become better with the next person. That's probably only with normal people, but it's a thought. I guess I'm thinking he's going to become less angry, less controlling, more loving and attentive, stop drinking and partying, get a job, clean up his house, learn compassion and understanding, be more present, listen intently and stop making the world all about him.
Yeah, I know. It sounds extremely crazy when I write it all out! Hell it's taken him 2 months to finally get his living room painted, so I heard.
What he does or doesn't do, who he does it with and all that are not my problem or concern.
And, his love...well it wasn't healthy. But, whatever it was, it's still pulling on me.
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
But, anytime you break it off with someone, it always seems like they become better with the next person. That's probably only with normal people, but it's a thought. I guess I'm thinking he's going to become less angry, less controlling, more loving and attentive, stop drinking and partying, get a job, clean up his house, learn compassion and understanding, be more present, listen intently and stop making the world all about him.
I can say I've lived long enough now to see it come back around time and time again. The next girl in line gets the same crap as we did. Wash, rinse, repeat.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
I have found...that my exab isnt even capable of having true emotions and feelings. We were on again and off again for 4 years. During that time he always had someone knew immediately.
At first, I couldnt understand how he could jump from person to person like he did, but it didnt take long and he was treating the other girl just as he had treated me.
I truely believe that most A's are incapable of having true feelings and emotions. I have learned that alcohol and sociopathic characteristics go hand in hand.
At first, I couldnt understand how he could jump from person to person like he did, but it didnt take long and he was treating the other girl just as he had treated me.
I truely believe that most A's are incapable of having true feelings and emotions. I have learned that alcohol and sociopathic characteristics go hand in hand.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
This is harder to go through right now because I have no backup. So, when xabf doesn't love me anymore there isn't anyone else who does.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Hi,
I am so sorry you're going through this. It never is a nice feeling to know the other person has moved on, but this guy was moving on even when you were still together.
You don't know that he will get his act together for the next person. It's more likely that he will drive her crazy with the same exact cr*p you suffered through. In any case, he treated you badly so it doesn't make any difference what he does now. He is not the one for you. I don't have anyone new either but I can't say I want anyone. I've been busy trying to heal myself from all the anxiety and the guilt. I'm finally getting to a point where I feel happy with myself! I hope you get there too...
I am so sorry you're going through this. It never is a nice feeling to know the other person has moved on, but this guy was moving on even when you were still together.
You don't know that he will get his act together for the next person. It's more likely that he will drive her crazy with the same exact cr*p you suffered through. In any case, he treated you badly so it doesn't make any difference what he does now. He is not the one for you. I don't have anyone new either but I can't say I want anyone. I've been busy trying to heal myself from all the anxiety and the guilt. I'm finally getting to a point where I feel happy with myself! I hope you get there too...
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Join Date: May 2012
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No man that cheats without remorse is going to become Mr. wonderful for the next gal. You just lost your nightmare to become somebody else's nightmare.
Sometimes I think we should all have to submit resumes for relationships with our ex's as references lol...everybody would be single permanently.
He isn't somebody new! He isn't the new and improved! He's the same predator looking for new prey!
You have a vivid imagination girl! He's going to become mr. wonderful? NOT! Only in your fears...not in real life.
Now how can your harness that vivid imagination and put it to good use for your life? Something to ponder.
Sometimes I think we should all have to submit resumes for relationships with our ex's as references lol...everybody would be single permanently.
He isn't somebody new! He isn't the new and improved! He's the same predator looking for new prey!
You have a vivid imagination girl! He's going to become mr. wonderful? NOT! Only in your fears...not in real life.
Now how can your harness that vivid imagination and put it to good use for your life? Something to ponder.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
All good points. I want to acknowledge some posts individually, but just can't seem to do it.
I was doing so good..what the heck happened? Today I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about him with someone else. It is all in my imagination..I know. It's the mind that gets us all in trouble. All the thinking, the worrying, the stressing, just dealing with this stuff.
I guess to top today off I was supposed to get together tonight with this guy for dinner. I was really looking forward to it. I needed it, I really did. To make me feel good, to feel attractive, to not think about the stupid xabf. And, it fell through.
If there is a lesson to be learned have I not learned it yet? I am tired of feeling pain, tired of crying, tired of the whole thing. Tired of waiting for God and the Universe to give me all these great things I've been putting out there. Keep the faith. Keep believing. Don't give up. Right now my answer to that is screw it.
Man, just having one of those moments. More pissed off the guy I wanted to see tonight cancelled. I know I need to look inside myself for comfort and love and all that, but right now a little companionship would have been nice.
I was doing so good..what the heck happened? Today I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about him with someone else. It is all in my imagination..I know. It's the mind that gets us all in trouble. All the thinking, the worrying, the stressing, just dealing with this stuff.
I guess to top today off I was supposed to get together tonight with this guy for dinner. I was really looking forward to it. I needed it, I really did. To make me feel good, to feel attractive, to not think about the stupid xabf. And, it fell through.
If there is a lesson to be learned have I not learned it yet? I am tired of feeling pain, tired of crying, tired of the whole thing. Tired of waiting for God and the Universe to give me all these great things I've been putting out there. Keep the faith. Keep believing. Don't give up. Right now my answer to that is screw it.
Man, just having one of those moments. More pissed off the guy I wanted to see tonight cancelled. I know I need to look inside myself for comfort and love and all that, but right now a little companionship would have been nice.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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There is nothing wrong with you & my bet is the new girl will soon find out (or maybe not & be dragged through it) what he is like. I am real scared that this scenario is going to happen to me real soon with my exABF so thank you for sharing your feelings.
I really feel for you & sending big hugs.
You derserve better than him.
I really feel for you & sending big hugs.
You derserve better than him.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I can't speak from a "normal" breakup that did not involve alcohol or affairs.
They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. I struggled less with the affair in all honesty then I have with the substance abuse, and I am just coming up on two years divorced and a little over two years from it all hitting the fan.
It is just in the last couple of weeks that I am feeling like I am coming back into myself, and am coming out of my fog of this relationship. The first six to eight months were a rollarcoaster, then I got mad and the next year I spent off and on between anger, and depression.
I will admit I am not a fast processor, but almost everyone I have met has said that those were kind of the time frames they found too.
I was a mess, but I found beating myself up for being a mess really the first year just made it worse. It was a wonderful opportunity to learn how to be gentle with myself.
Hugs to you too!
They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. I struggled less with the affair in all honesty then I have with the substance abuse, and I am just coming up on two years divorced and a little over two years from it all hitting the fan.
It is just in the last couple of weeks that I am feeling like I am coming back into myself, and am coming out of my fog of this relationship. The first six to eight months were a rollarcoaster, then I got mad and the next year I spent off and on between anger, and depression.
I will admit I am not a fast processor, but almost everyone I have met has said that those were kind of the time frames they found too.
I was a mess, but I found beating myself up for being a mess really the first year just made it worse. It was a wonderful opportunity to learn how to be gentle with myself.
Hugs to you too!
We all deserve respect & love
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 46
I can relate a bit
I dealt with similar fears & feelings about 1-2 months after breaking up with AXBF. What helped me was my list of the 10 most painful things he did during our time together. I needed that list to ground me when life blindsides & keeps me focused on my life. Maybe it may help you to write out some reminders & keep them near you to help strengthen yourself when weak moments come?
Had a surprise run-in with AXBF & it was good for me. It was at a local office & I was shocked to see him walk in since it was the last person I expected to see. I ignored him completely. While ignoring him, could see how he was turning other people in waiting room off with his egocentric attention getting displays - talking loudly, making nonsensical jokes, lavishing compliments on strangers, etc. He gave me a free reminder of why I don't want to be with someone like that! He hasn't changed one bit.
Had a surprise run-in with AXBF & it was good for me. It was at a local office & I was shocked to see him walk in since it was the last person I expected to see. I ignored him completely. While ignoring him, could see how he was turning other people in waiting room off with his egocentric attention getting displays - talking loudly, making nonsensical jokes, lavishing compliments on strangers, etc. He gave me a free reminder of why I don't want to be with someone like that! He hasn't changed one bit.
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
I guess to top today off I was supposed to get together tonight with this guy for dinner. I was really looking forward to it. I needed it, I really did. To make me feel good, to feel attractive, to not think about the stupid xabf. And, it fell through.
If there is a lesson to be learned have I not learned it yet? I am tired of feeling pain, tired of crying, tired of the whole thing. Tired of waiting for God and the Universe to give me all these great things I've been putting out there. Keep the faith. Keep believing. Don't give up. Right now my answer to that is screw it.
If there is a lesson to be learned have I not learned it yet? I am tired of feeling pain, tired of crying, tired of the whole thing. Tired of waiting for God and the Universe to give me all these great things I've been putting out there. Keep the faith. Keep believing. Don't give up. Right now my answer to that is screw it.
I am so sorry you feel this way. Yes you can't let your emotions be strung around at the whim of some guy you probably don't even know. People can be flaky, Well I am hibernating right now because I am so jaded and bitter that if another man came along I would probably punch him in the face... lol. Well, not really but you know what I mean. I don't want to open up my heart and mind to anyone so I've been just focusing on myself. It might be easier for me because I tend to be an introvert anyway so I am not as prone to needing attention from other people. Come to think of it that was one factor that undermined my relationship with the narcissist, he couldn't stand not being the center of my world.
Hang in there, sweetie. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? If not I would highly recommend taking some up or reading a good book.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Listen to the song "Loser" by Saving Jane. It will help you remember you made the right choice. I think I mentioned before that I'm having a very hard time connecting with all the bad things my ex did to me. He didn't treat me like crap most of the time... he rarely treated me at all. There were so many times I thought to myself, "I might as well be single" because I was often alone in our relationship. We all want love. I sure miss it...but the love my ex could give me was the worst kind and I hope I never experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad and I miss him...but nobody deserves crappy love from someone who doesn't even love themselves. Do you know about what any of his past girlfriends experienced? My AXBF's last girlfriend had it a whole lot worse than I did, but I still wish to God I'd never been the next one.
I saw a really good quote the other day..."never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." I'm willing to bet your ex treated you like you were.
I think I mentioned before that I'm having a very hard time connecting with all the bad things my ex did to me. He didn't treat me like crap most of the time... he rarely treated me at all. There were so many times I thought to myself, "I might as well be single" because I was often alone in our relationship. We all want love. I sure miss it...but the love my ex could give me was the worst kind and I hope I never experience it again. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad and I miss him...but nobody deserves crappy love from someone who doesn't even love themselves. Do you know about what any of his past girlfriends experienced? My AXBF's last girlfriend had it a whole lot worse than I did, but I still wish to God I'd never been the next one.I saw a really good quote the other day..."never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." I'm willing to bet your ex treated you like you were.
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