tll851085

So lets start with the back story. My mother past away soon after I graduated college with my undergraduate degree back in 2008. She past away from 2 different types of cancer (1 aggressive and the other a breast cancer). She was cured of the breast cancer but the aggressive cancer attacked her and metastasized to her brain in a matter of 6 weeks after discontinuing treatment.

My husband and I witnessed alot during that time, and I of course was very close to her (like best friends) while he grew very close to her as well. We were not married at the time but alot of things happened after her passing. My father took it very bad and so did most of my family.

Long story short, we ended up moving far away for my husbands job. I had noticed that right before the move, he had been really stressed out about his job situation with hostile management and me being unemployed. He would be drunk shortly before arriving home and I believe at times, he has driven under the influence. He has always been a drinker being a veteran and never really displayed a dependency until after we got settled from our cross country move.

I landed a job and we got married because we were so happy finally being away from all of the things that stressed us. So how is it now that we have gotten to this point? Well, he started abusing, and lying to me about his drinking and I would catch him binge drinking and hiding open bottles and cans of booze around the house. I am a neat and clean freak so obviously the nastiness of this caused an issue immediately.

With this said, we started arguing all the time and saying really mean things to each other, me as mostly responsive to his behavior and harboring resentment for moving me across the country and treating me like I was the last person on earth he wanted to be with... even though we were recently married.

So I ended up quitting my jobs because I was totally unhappy commuting 1.5 hours to work everyday and wondering if hes drank himself to death while i was away at work on his lieu day. I couldnt handle the idea of him being able to spend all of our money on booze and wrack up so much debt doing it. So I decided to give myself access to all of our finances and start managing the money on my own. This added strain to our relationship, but it was important for my sanity to prepare for a potential move and purchase of a new home.

I enrolled in graduate school immediately which freed up some of my time to focus on him and his addiction. I started to notice that he had a real problem and it needed to be addressed. We no longer had health insurance due to me leaving my job and we were about to make a big move to a new area 1200 miles away.

To my surprise, we moved and built a house successfully and it was everything he had every wanted. He was the most happy he has ever been at this new job and loved being in a large city again. The house is great, we got 2 new awesomely cute puppies and we are a little happier.....so he thinks. I still know that he is drinking regularly and lying a bout where the money is going.

At this point, we have so much invested in our relationship. A new house, new puppies, and I am in graduate school and looking for a new job. I am getting very close to landing this awesome position with great benefits. The problem is not that he is an alcoholic, its that he wont get help even thought he knows he has a problem. I am working extremely hard to be successful and I want him to do the same.

I regret marrying him now, even though I didnt know that he had a genuine problem til after. That way, I wouldnt be stuck in this situation with someone that does not want to be sober and get help to try and make it permanent. Everyday is a struggle for me because I am always depressed and unhappy. No one wants to live this way when they know they could be happy and successful with someone else. The question is, should I stick it out with my husband or should I divorce him and all of his flaws to move on with my life? All I want is to be happy and his mean, insensitive, and utter disregard for my feelings makes that damn near impossible.

Your suggestions please!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself! It is nice to *meet* you.

This site is a wonderful resource of information and support. So, pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.

I don't have the answer to what you should do now. I think you are a smart lady. You have a good head on your shoulders and I believe you will make a decision when the time is right.

In the meantime, stick around and do some reading. Some of our stories are posted in the Stickies. Sticy posts are older, permanent posts that are preserved at the top of this main forum page. I am always finding wisdom in those posts.

Here is one of my favorite stickies that helped me while I was still living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

lillamy

My therapist calls this "the slot-machine defense": I've been sitting in front of this slot machine feeding quarters into it for three hours. What if I get up now, what if I quit now, and I'm just ONE quarter away from a jackpot?

I can't tell you what you should do. Only you know that. But I think like Pelican said, educating yourself about alcoholism would be a good way to start thinking about this. Considering attending a few Al-Anon meetings would be another. Your post suggests to me that you are basically the little engine that could in your relationship -- you're the one driving everything, you're adapting your life so that you can monitor his drinking, you're having less and less partnership and more and more being his parole officer.

Is that what you want your life to be like?

I found when I was married to an A that I was torn between what I knew I wanted and what I thought I had the right to do. I didn't want a life with an addict, but I didn't think I had the right to leave.

When I hear a story like yours, my gut reaction is to say "RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! It's only going to get worse!!!" -- but that's based on MY experiences of 20 years of marriage to an alcoholic. That's just the glasses I wear, looking at your situation. There are addicts who recover successfully, repair their relationships, and go on to live happy productive lives. There are spouses of addicts who are able to change the unhealthy habits they've developed in a relationship marred by addiction and who go on to live happily with a recovered addict. There are even spouses who manage to live decent lives with actively abusing addicts.

But you have to find out which one you are. And knowledge is power. Finding out what you can expect from untreated alcoholism is important. Finding out how living with an alcoholic has affected you is even more important. Building the life you want for yourself can come out of that -- whether it is with or without your current spouse.