What the h@!! am I doing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
What the h@!! am I doing?
Hi, all, I haven't posted in awhile, mostly replying to others posts. I am struggling mightily here.
Since the beginning of the year, I have lost my job, broken my engagement to the A, had unexpected surgery, and now I am facing a serious issue at my new (6 weeks) job. I am feeling like the Universe, God, is trying to tell me something, but I'm just not getting it. Or, for my more existential self, maybe there is no reason for me to have had a pile up of unfortunate events this year. Maybe it just is what it is.
Either way, I am nearly paralyzed with anxiety. I have always prided myself in my ability to "keep on keepin' on". Now I'm ready to give up. I just want to lie on the couch and watch TV. But I have to go through the motions of going to work, getting food in the house, pay the bills, etc.
To make matters worse, I have had contact with the A in my life. I've been so lonely that I reached out to him to discuss "business matters". I went to drop paperwork off at his house, and he pulled in just as I got there. We talked for 90 minutes, carefully avoiding relationship issues, just catching up. I got to see the puppy he took with him when he left, she's 18 months old now. I was wrecked after seeing him. He looks healthy and sane, he's been seeing someone, "a friend" ( I asked if he had replaced me yet just as I was leaving). There have been some texts back and forth since, and we may speak again.
I feel like the world's biggest pretender to the recovery throne. I go to Al-Anon, I try to surrender my control to my HP, I have a great therapist, I read literature every morning, I meditate. I am smart and productive in so many other ways, but I am failing here.
.
Every ****** thing the A ever said to me about my professional ability, my housekeeping, my parenting, my need (or desire) for help in life, is ringing in my ears as I fall apart. And yet who do I wish I could talk to? Him. Complete Stockholm Syndrome. What the Eff is wrong with me????
I'd like to just hit PAUSE on my life for awhile. I've been running my own life since I was 15, I'm 52 now, and so tired. So in need of someone to take some stuff off my plate. I know there are folks on this board with much harder lives than mine, I'm just really feeling the pain right now.
Thanks for letting me share.
Since the beginning of the year, I have lost my job, broken my engagement to the A, had unexpected surgery, and now I am facing a serious issue at my new (6 weeks) job. I am feeling like the Universe, God, is trying to tell me something, but I'm just not getting it. Or, for my more existential self, maybe there is no reason for me to have had a pile up of unfortunate events this year. Maybe it just is what it is.
Either way, I am nearly paralyzed with anxiety. I have always prided myself in my ability to "keep on keepin' on". Now I'm ready to give up. I just want to lie on the couch and watch TV. But I have to go through the motions of going to work, getting food in the house, pay the bills, etc.
To make matters worse, I have had contact with the A in my life. I've been so lonely that I reached out to him to discuss "business matters". I went to drop paperwork off at his house, and he pulled in just as I got there. We talked for 90 minutes, carefully avoiding relationship issues, just catching up. I got to see the puppy he took with him when he left, she's 18 months old now. I was wrecked after seeing him. He looks healthy and sane, he's been seeing someone, "a friend" ( I asked if he had replaced me yet just as I was leaving). There have been some texts back and forth since, and we may speak again.
I feel like the world's biggest pretender to the recovery throne. I go to Al-Anon, I try to surrender my control to my HP, I have a great therapist, I read literature every morning, I meditate. I am smart and productive in so many other ways, but I am failing here.
.Every ****** thing the A ever said to me about my professional ability, my housekeeping, my parenting, my need (or desire) for help in life, is ringing in my ears as I fall apart. And yet who do I wish I could talk to? Him. Complete Stockholm Syndrome. What the Eff is wrong with me????
I'd like to just hit PAUSE on my life for awhile. I've been running my own life since I was 15, I'm 52 now, and so tired. So in need of someone to take some stuff off my plate. I know there are folks on this board with much harder lives than mine, I'm just really feeling the pain right now.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Take a big deep breath Celticgenes. What you're going through is all part of the process.
I went through the same cycle of emotions. When I left my XAH, I had visions of everything suddenly being perfect and happy.... didn't happen. If fact, life got worse... MUCH worse. I was so mad and frustrated. All this crap seemed to keep happening to ME - and yet, there he was seemingly all happy, joyous and free.
I remember thinking (very vividly) - "OMG, he was right. I AM the problem! Look the hot mess I am!" Fortunately, I took a deep breath and didn't let that thought hang out very long. Yes, life was tough. I was, unfortunately, reaping the rewards of seeds planted long before (ie. I had really lost control while I was still living with active addiction. I hadn't been on-top of things like I should have and all those issues seemed to bubble up AFTER I left.) It sucked - but it did pass. I learned to be patient and kind to myself and TRUST that all would be okay - because eventually it is.
NOTHING good EVER came from me going back to my XAH for support. He's not healthy for me - that's why I left. Going back to him ALWAYS makes me feel worse. BUT, I did it in the early days of separation. I would call him up, cry, and hope that he would help make me feel better - but it just left me feeling worse. I had to stop going to him and find other, healthier people to support me. Going to him was a bad habit that took time for me to break - but I did it - and so can you!
Out of pain, especially extreme pain, ALWAYS come tremendous growth. Hang in there - JUST FOR TODAY!!
I went through the same cycle of emotions. When I left my XAH, I had visions of everything suddenly being perfect and happy.... didn't happen. If fact, life got worse... MUCH worse. I was so mad and frustrated. All this crap seemed to keep happening to ME - and yet, there he was seemingly all happy, joyous and free.
I remember thinking (very vividly) - "OMG, he was right. I AM the problem! Look the hot mess I am!" Fortunately, I took a deep breath and didn't let that thought hang out very long. Yes, life was tough. I was, unfortunately, reaping the rewards of seeds planted long before (ie. I had really lost control while I was still living with active addiction. I hadn't been on-top of things like I should have and all those issues seemed to bubble up AFTER I left.) It sucked - but it did pass. I learned to be patient and kind to myself and TRUST that all would be okay - because eventually it is.
NOTHING good EVER came from me going back to my XAH for support. He's not healthy for me - that's why I left. Going back to him ALWAYS makes me feel worse. BUT, I did it in the early days of separation. I would call him up, cry, and hope that he would help make me feel better - but it just left me feeling worse. I had to stop going to him and find other, healthier people to support me. Going to him was a bad habit that took time for me to break - but I did it - and so can you!
Out of pain, especially extreme pain, ALWAYS come tremendous growth. Hang in there - JUST FOR TODAY!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Dear Celticgenes,
I used to post as BothSidesNow, and I empathize with your plight. I was also gaslighted, under the spell of my AH with the Stockholm Syndrome. I'm 62, and left home suddenly on July 4th after AH's alcohol and porn abuse got intolerable.
When we are down, those hateful words just ring in our ears. But that doesn't mean they are true. They aren't. We are not defined by who he wanted us to be to serve his disease.
If you posted on SR when you were feeling good, maybe you could go back and re-read those posts. And read the ones when you were aware of the Stockholm Syndrome and how it was affecting you.
I have days when I just can't remember, can't believe how bad it was, and I begin to long for what I remember as the "good ole days". Seeing your XA, and seeing him supposedly functioning well, is a jolt and it gets us re-connected to our dreams of who they were. Our hopes for what the relationship could be, could have been, get re-ignited, and it feels as if we have lost everything.
Well, that's just not true. If he was Stockholm syndroming you, 18 months won't change who he is. He'd just do it again. There was quite a powerful thread on narcissism. It's worth hunting up, if you didn't see it before. Or google "Sam Vaknin and narcissism". Sam Vaknin is a narcissist who knows more about it than anybody, and he did a series of compelling You Tube videos on how narcissism affects partners.
Take heart, this will pass. Think of the ebb and flow of the tide, float along with the low you're in now, and it will pass.
ShootingStar1
I used to post as BothSidesNow, and I empathize with your plight. I was also gaslighted, under the spell of my AH with the Stockholm Syndrome. I'm 62, and left home suddenly on July 4th after AH's alcohol and porn abuse got intolerable.
When we are down, those hateful words just ring in our ears. But that doesn't mean they are true. They aren't. We are not defined by who he wanted us to be to serve his disease.
If you posted on SR when you were feeling good, maybe you could go back and re-read those posts. And read the ones when you were aware of the Stockholm Syndrome and how it was affecting you.
I have days when I just can't remember, can't believe how bad it was, and I begin to long for what I remember as the "good ole days". Seeing your XA, and seeing him supposedly functioning well, is a jolt and it gets us re-connected to our dreams of who they were. Our hopes for what the relationship could be, could have been, get re-ignited, and it feels as if we have lost everything.
Well, that's just not true. If he was Stockholm syndroming you, 18 months won't change who he is. He'd just do it again. There was quite a powerful thread on narcissism. It's worth hunting up, if you didn't see it before. Or google "Sam Vaknin and narcissism". Sam Vaknin is a narcissist who knows more about it than anybody, and he did a series of compelling You Tube videos on how narcissism affects partners.
Take heart, this will pass. Think of the ebb and flow of the tide, float along with the low you're in now, and it will pass.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
You just need time to heal. Do not get down on yourself. You have to reprogram your thinking and that's why positive affirmations are so important. I've been in your shoes and it seems like he is together and your world is falling apart...but that's only in your head. He has issues, he just isn't expressing it to you. Focus on you, the positives. Don't dwell on negativeG or him because you will stay stuck. Start loving yourself! =)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Don't give up! You can do it!
I know how tough it is. I struggle with no contact too. Find yourself someone else to confide in the daily happenings with. A friend, a family member, or SR. I can hear my STBXAH's words last week, claiming that his life was great "I'm at the top of the mountain...and look, where are you? The bottom that's where. Alone with 3 little kids". I told a friend and he laughed and said, "the ONLY person who thinks he is at the top is him". It really helped me to get some clarity from someone who isn't directly in my A's vortex.
Keep on, keeping on. You'll get there. There are plenty of us in the same boat walking along beside you.
I know how tough it is. I struggle with no contact too. Find yourself someone else to confide in the daily happenings with. A friend, a family member, or SR. I can hear my STBXAH's words last week, claiming that his life was great "I'm at the top of the mountain...and look, where are you? The bottom that's where. Alone with 3 little kids". I told a friend and he laughed and said, "the ONLY person who thinks he is at the top is him". It really helped me to get some clarity from someone who isn't directly in my A's vortex.
Keep on, keeping on. You'll get there. There are plenty of us in the same boat walking along beside you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Thank you all for your kind replies. It is truly making the difference today to know that someone hears me.
Getting By-it has crossed my (muddled) mind that some of my challenges may be self made. As you said, reaping the fruits of dysfunctional seeds. That's what's great about SR-only someone who has been here can give you certain insights. So, it may be normal for things to get worse before better. Thank you so, so much.
Shooting Star-love the name change. I read your posts with much sympathy. I'm not a kid either, made an abrupt decision to end intolerable behavior from my A, and was subject, as I know you were, to bizarre, hurtful behavior from the A. Thanks for the narcissism link, I'll look it up. Of course, he accused me of being narcissistic!! LOL.
Sweet & Confetti, Thank you for the encouragement. So what I need right now.
I think that when you are a recovering Control Freak, as many of us ACOA's are, things falling apart, or out of our control (there's that word again!!) are especially painful. I have visions of apocalypse. In reality, it's probably just another bump in the road.
Getting By-it has crossed my (muddled) mind that some of my challenges may be self made. As you said, reaping the fruits of dysfunctional seeds. That's what's great about SR-only someone who has been here can give you certain insights. So, it may be normal for things to get worse before better. Thank you so, so much.
Shooting Star-love the name change. I read your posts with much sympathy. I'm not a kid either, made an abrupt decision to end intolerable behavior from my A, and was subject, as I know you were, to bizarre, hurtful behavior from the A. Thanks for the narcissism link, I'll look it up. Of course, he accused me of being narcissistic!! LOL.
Sweet & Confetti, Thank you for the encouragement. So what I need right now.
I think that when you are a recovering Control Freak, as many of us ACOA's are, things falling apart, or out of our control (there's that word again!!) are especially painful. I have visions of apocalypse. In reality, it's probably just another bump in the road.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((((((CG)))))))))))
I went back to my exah sssoooo many times. I just wanted someone to hug me. I wanted someone to stroke my hair and tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful and strong and that I would figure things out because I was smart. My exah was always good for all of that. But this contact always came with a steep price tag. I always felt worse for the contact because behind the warm words and gestures, there was a very sick man who could manipulate me and weave his way back into my life little by little. Before I knew what happened, he was in my every day life and i was back to being angry and hostile and anxious.
Talk about a vicious cycle.
The ONLY thing that helped me to get past the knee-jerk action of reaching out to him for support was to go no contact. that is the ONLY way I could focus on ME...and begin the process of healing...of getting my feet back underneath me...of loving myself and working on filling those empty spots deep within me. I had to fill those spots with ME and GOD and not seek the easy fix of fixing them with my exah.
We're kind of like the addict in this way...right? We reach out for a connection with someone we USED to know (or thougth we knew) because its a quick fix. But it doesn't really heal what needs fixing inside of us. Its just an empty distraction. That's how it felt for me anyway.
It's a process.
Love yourself.
Connect with your Higher Power.
And maybe consider going no contact.
Hugs and understanding
I went back to my exah sssoooo many times. I just wanted someone to hug me. I wanted someone to stroke my hair and tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful and strong and that I would figure things out because I was smart. My exah was always good for all of that. But this contact always came with a steep price tag. I always felt worse for the contact because behind the warm words and gestures, there was a very sick man who could manipulate me and weave his way back into my life little by little. Before I knew what happened, he was in my every day life and i was back to being angry and hostile and anxious.
Talk about a vicious cycle.
The ONLY thing that helped me to get past the knee-jerk action of reaching out to him for support was to go no contact. that is the ONLY way I could focus on ME...and begin the process of healing...of getting my feet back underneath me...of loving myself and working on filling those empty spots deep within me. I had to fill those spots with ME and GOD and not seek the easy fix of fixing them with my exah.
We're kind of like the addict in this way...right? We reach out for a connection with someone we USED to know (or thougth we knew) because its a quick fix. But it doesn't really heal what needs fixing inside of us. Its just an empty distraction. That's how it felt for me anyway.
It's a process.
Love yourself.
Connect with your Higher Power.
And maybe consider going no contact.
Hugs and understanding
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 26
I struggle with no contact, I mean REALLY struggle. I lost almost all my friends thanks to my XABF and now I'm slowly trying to get them back (He wouldn't let me hang out with them, I wasn't allowed to have male friends but he could have female friends, he just plain didn't like them or THEY didn't like him). I even had one of my friends tell me shortly after we broke up that we're not getting a place together if I ever go back to him. So I am alone most of the time because of this. I have no where to go and no where to be, I used to do everything with him.
So, yeah. I get lonely but I think my XABF sees that. He takes advantage of that fact and tells me "The reason you have no friends is because they're all tired of it." Me stupidly asks what they are tired of? I knew it wasn't something true. He replies "attention."
Yeah it was really rude, he then tells me that I only have sex because I want to feel loved (WTF I haven't had sex since we broke up!) and a bunch of other horrible things; basically putting the blame on me that it's this way BECAUSE of me, because I never got attention I deserved so I run to other people.
In the past, I used to go back to him, I did for about 6 times. This time I said enough is enough- this is the man who calls me names, who lies straight to my face, pretends he's done nothing wrong. The man who gets so drunk he makes empty promises, drives my car around or does other stupid things. He lies to me about his drug use, what he's really doing, manipulating me to stay, trying to control me financially, telling me to get out and then screaming at me over the phone about why I left, putting the blame on me for all his problems (drinking/using), accusing me of things that are not true, destroying the home we lived in because he's having paranoid thoughts about people breaking in.
I think of THAT and I wonder why I didn't run away a long time ago. . .it's tough but I never ever want to return to that.
So, yeah. I get lonely but I think my XABF sees that. He takes advantage of that fact and tells me "The reason you have no friends is because they're all tired of it." Me stupidly asks what they are tired of? I knew it wasn't something true. He replies "attention."
Yeah it was really rude, he then tells me that I only have sex because I want to feel loved (WTF I haven't had sex since we broke up!) and a bunch of other horrible things; basically putting the blame on me that it's this way BECAUSE of me, because I never got attention I deserved so I run to other people.
In the past, I used to go back to him, I did for about 6 times. This time I said enough is enough- this is the man who calls me names, who lies straight to my face, pretends he's done nothing wrong. The man who gets so drunk he makes empty promises, drives my car around or does other stupid things. He lies to me about his drug use, what he's really doing, manipulating me to stay, trying to control me financially, telling me to get out and then screaming at me over the phone about why I left, putting the blame on me for all his problems (drinking/using), accusing me of things that are not true, destroying the home we lived in because he's having paranoid thoughts about people breaking in.
I think of THAT and I wonder why I didn't run away a long time ago. . .it's tough but I never ever want to return to that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Just remember to breathe........ it won't solve your problems, but it will calm you enough to know you will get thru this.
Reconnecting with an ex can be so painful. I am sorry you are hurting.
About 6 years ago I encountered my ex fiance at a mutual friend's funeral. I never thought he would travel the 7 hours to the funeral. I was completely blown out of the water seeing him, I was paralyzed with such raw emotion. He greeted me with a warm hug, he told me how sorry he was for ending the engagement, he wanted the opportunity to EXPLAIN.
To this day, I don't know how I ever managed to speak. I thanked him for the apology, but I did not/ could not endure an explaination. Oh, I so wanted to hear his words, I so wanted him to explain, but it would not have changed one effin thing. He had moved on and that was all I needed to keep reminding myself.
Of course, one of my pity parties followed. I cried for months, AGAIN, lost focus, angry, bitter, sad, unreasonable, etc.... crazy as it sounds there are times I so want to call him and just say '" Hey, how are you?" but I also know he is poision to me. I must stay away.
All I can offer, force yourself to get off the couch, and get back to living your life. New hobbies, change of scenery, join a civic organization, volunteer, make some new short term goals, do ANYTHING and Everything you can to restore peace to your life.
I have learned not to travel down Memory Lane. I have to stay in my today. It's safe and pleasant.
Keep posting it helps to talk to other who understand. ((((HUGS))))
Reconnecting with an ex can be so painful. I am sorry you are hurting.
About 6 years ago I encountered my ex fiance at a mutual friend's funeral. I never thought he would travel the 7 hours to the funeral. I was completely blown out of the water seeing him, I was paralyzed with such raw emotion. He greeted me with a warm hug, he told me how sorry he was for ending the engagement, he wanted the opportunity to EXPLAIN.
To this day, I don't know how I ever managed to speak. I thanked him for the apology, but I did not/ could not endure an explaination. Oh, I so wanted to hear his words, I so wanted him to explain, but it would not have changed one effin thing. He had moved on and that was all I needed to keep reminding myself.
Of course, one of my pity parties followed. I cried for months, AGAIN, lost focus, angry, bitter, sad, unreasonable, etc.... crazy as it sounds there are times I so want to call him and just say '" Hey, how are you?" but I also know he is poision to me. I must stay away.
All I can offer, force yourself to get off the couch, and get back to living your life. New hobbies, change of scenery, join a civic organization, volunteer, make some new short term goals, do ANYTHING and Everything you can to restore peace to your life.
I have learned not to travel down Memory Lane. I have to stay in my today. It's safe and pleasant.
Keep posting it helps to talk to other who understand. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It sounds to me as if you are in the "in-between" stage (in between the life you are disentangling yourself from and the life you want to live...), and its a painful place to be.
But its a stage, and this too shall pass. What you feel is normal, and going back to the comfort of what we knew, regardless of how it made us feel, is so addictive! I find myself in moments of anxiety wanting to do the same thing, and like the alcoholics deal with cravings, I have to stop what I am doing, allow myself to feel and have those emotions, and then let them pass without acting on them.
It's a transition time for you, celtic. Be gentle with yourself.
But its a stage, and this too shall pass. What you feel is normal, and going back to the comfort of what we knew, regardless of how it made us feel, is so addictive! I find myself in moments of anxiety wanting to do the same thing, and like the alcoholics deal with cravings, I have to stop what I am doing, allow myself to feel and have those emotions, and then let them pass without acting on them.
It's a transition time for you, celtic. Be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
No doubt the anxiety is triggered by seeing the ex again? I saw mine briefly on the street a few weeks ago, we didn't even talk but I practically had a nervous breakdown.
But I have also been totally guilt and anxiety ridden after my breakup. So much so that I am seeing a therapist now. It seems typical with the A. that they are looking for ways to bring down our self-esteem so that they can feel better about themselves. If you can just try to forget about him I bet you will be feeling a lot better about yourself soon.
((hugs))
No doubt the anxiety is triggered by seeing the ex again? I saw mine briefly on the street a few weeks ago, we didn't even talk but I practically had a nervous breakdown.
But I have also been totally guilt and anxiety ridden after my breakup. So much so that I am seeing a therapist now. It seems typical with the A. that they are looking for ways to bring down our self-esteem so that they can feel better about themselves. If you can just try to forget about him I bet you will be feeling a lot better about yourself soon.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Marie, Tuffgirl,
Shortly after my posting, a good friend called & asked me out for coffee. She knows the whole story.
She spent a good hour propping me up with things very similar to the things you've said.
And tonight, a good childhood friend is staying here for the night. Having her here is absolutely invaluable. Being gentle with myself, being in between stages of life. That it's ok to not be strong enough to make the clean break once and be done with it.
I can't tell you how glad I am to have the SR community today.
Shortly after my posting, a good friend called & asked me out for coffee. She knows the whole story.
She spent a good hour propping me up with things very similar to the things you've said.
And tonight, a good childhood friend is staying here for the night. Having her here is absolutely invaluable. Being gentle with myself, being in between stages of life. That it's ok to not be strong enough to make the clean break once and be done with it.
I can't tell you how glad I am to have the SR community today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Celticgenes,
The road is rising up to meet you and the wind is at your back. Let that sun shine warmly upon your face and know your HP is holding you in the palm of his hand. (I'm guessing by your moniker that these words may sound familar)
So, happy you are getting the support and caring that you need and deserve.
Hugs,
MamaKit
The road is rising up to meet you and the wind is at your back. Let that sun shine warmly upon your face and know your HP is holding you in the palm of his hand. (I'm guessing by your moniker that these words may sound familar
)So, happy you are getting the support and caring that you need and deserve.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Hang in there. A bit of advice I've seen here that helps me is to just take care of yourself. Sounds simple, but sometimes we forget to do that when we feel the world closing in. When I get those feelings, it helps to stop and do something small for myself; even if it's as simple as sitting down and having a cup of coffee and watching TV.
It solves nothing, but it provides a moment of relief.
Good Luck. I hope things get better for you.
It solves nothing, but it provides a moment of relief.
Good Luck. I hope things get better for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
MamaKit, those words sure are familiar, thanks!! TeM, my therapist advised me to treat myself as if I was recuperating. Which I am! Thank you all for your kindnesses.
Hopefully, I can pay it forward.
Hopefully, I can pay it forward.
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