So!!! What did you do on your SR vacation?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
changed my avatar
The time spent being frustrated and alone..... well, I gave a lot of thought to getting a new avatar! Honestly, it truly did, if that doesn't just sound so lame!LOL I decided to really try for an image that really "spoke" to me, and as I was stuck with extra time and wasted energy, that was how I spent it. So, this says about me: I can bend and not be broken, I am who I am, but am working at change and "improvements", and gee, I just love charlie brown's christmas! so there, that's how useful I was with my "time off". Other than that I had a perfectly lousy time with my A and we took two steps back and that was a bummer, but I can truly feel the one step that stayed in the positive direction. short little question, long rambling answer. sorry. :bemine
Digitally Remastered
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
NOT GREAT!
My @$$ fell off and I went into a relapse after way too much belittling and condescending. I couldn't stop it. I told him to stop it and he wouldn't. So I raged on him for 20 seconds. My reward was two days of silence and I'll tell you....I didn't feel great the first day. The second day was good.
Last night he tried to talk to me but considering my silence toward him wasn't punitive he talked. "I'm sorry for whatever part I played." I said: "When you figure out what parts those are, then I can respond." He left the room angry with "Well then I'll just leave and not come back." Which told me he wanted peace at any cost in the first place...didn't really mean the apology. [He'd threatened to kill me the night before, threatened suicide, said he didn't care how I felt, you know....same ol' same ol'...]
It was different with me this time. I am no longer a peace at all costs person. I told him last night after his initial approaching that I am not going to bow down, I am not going to poo poo this away, I am not going to "accept his belittling" and I am not going to "accept" this behavior. I gave him the rules and I didn't coat it so it'd go down easy.
I have anew women's group I'm in and am learning that some people do not want me well. Some people prefer me vulnerable, sick, needy and when I am no longer a victim in it they don't know what to do. Great - so I know their psychology...But so. It's only made me feel more at ease in my truth. It is my truth after all....behaviors I don't like. If he loves me like he says he does he'll respect this. If he is sick like I think he is he may not respect this....so this is when I gravitated toward my female freinds for support -- particularly with this board not being here -- these female friends are the ones in my new women's meeting....we're all alks AND we're all codies. We're trying to differentiate between being society's *nurturing* matriarchs and full-fledged codependents. And in the middle of all this, trying to stay sober. This is no easy task for me.
I was telling a friend yesterday. In AA, it's quite simple...Do whatever you have to do to stay away from the first drink. Okay. Good. Got that. NOW, this line of codependancy is a little more grey to me. For example, I was at the store yesterday during *our vow of silence* and picked up some candy he likes. I must have mind-effed that all day. "Was that codie?"
He calls and I turn off the phone. "Was that being punitive?" No, it wasn't. History has shown during the times he'll *punish* me by withholding affection and communication he'll call when I am *out* in order to make sure I haven't forgotten that he is punishing me. You know? Like he'll call to say, "I'm going somewhere." and then, knowing I have no vehicle, he won't offer to pick me up something I may need...you know...little things...like groceries. His way of trying to remind me I *need* him.
I told him last night...when we had graduated to full on talking that I no longer needed him. I meant it. It wasn't to hurt him. It was to let him know his proper place in the scheme that is my life. I have the oxygen I need and at times I was hungry, God has sent people into my life who donated food.
My life is good today and maybe we've learned a little more. I know that I have drwn the lines in the imaginary sand and this is where I am. I did a lot of things well during this trial...I didn't isolate, I kept in touch with my support system, I made my bed, washed my body, cleaned my house, fed my dog, read spiritual readings, read my novel I have going on, shopped, ate...I did plenty right. It didn't totally rock my world this time.
I will not concentrate on the things I did not do because I don't go for negative reinforcement today. That committee is spearheaded by what I call *My Mother Voice* and I had to tell her to shut up Thursday when it said: "You didn't get any work done. You didn't do this and do that." I had been pollen poisoned and mineral oil poisoned via a "poison-ivy-feeling" outbreak all over my body...thinking I was going to end up in the ER and this is what my brain is telling me? I told it to shut up.
Today we are back with other in peace. It's a process for both of us and I don't look at our fight or the vow of silence as something *bad* or *wrong* because it served us both well [we just talked about it and he said it served him well.] I thought it was quite progressive I didn't let it put me in turmoil and neither him. The rules of our relationship are still in effect and it's not like there is he11 to pay if the rule/s is/are broken it's just that one or both of us will be hurt. We have these rules to keep us both on track and we have agreed to them and there are only four. They ALL went broken by him a few days ago but we're not perfect...and I broke one SEVERELY in response to him which is when I relapsed.
I believe these rules were God-inspired as they came to me one day when I realized I have rules with other people. One time I realized, when a friend *hit* me that that was an absolute of mine: Friends will not hit me. Then I realized no one could hit me. I realized one day I didn't like it when people offered their perception of me. Then I realized I didn't like barely my own perception of me. Then I realized I would quit judging myself. These notions I am sure, are not new....it's a process and it's where I am today. If I *break* a rule I realize it, and apologize for it...I realize that these rules keep me in harmony and no good has ever come from either one of us breaking them.
I am okay today and even slightly better than just okay. I hope to plant some plants and get into the dirt with him today. I think it may be nice. Gee, thanks for asking JT. :andy: I love ya.
My @$$ fell off and I went into a relapse after way too much belittling and condescending. I couldn't stop it. I told him to stop it and he wouldn't. So I raged on him for 20 seconds. My reward was two days of silence and I'll tell you....I didn't feel great the first day. The second day was good.
Last night he tried to talk to me but considering my silence toward him wasn't punitive he talked. "I'm sorry for whatever part I played." I said: "When you figure out what parts those are, then I can respond." He left the room angry with "Well then I'll just leave and not come back." Which told me he wanted peace at any cost in the first place...didn't really mean the apology. [He'd threatened to kill me the night before, threatened suicide, said he didn't care how I felt, you know....same ol' same ol'...]
It was different with me this time. I am no longer a peace at all costs person. I told him last night after his initial approaching that I am not going to bow down, I am not going to poo poo this away, I am not going to "accept his belittling" and I am not going to "accept" this behavior. I gave him the rules and I didn't coat it so it'd go down easy.
I have anew women's group I'm in and am learning that some people do not want me well. Some people prefer me vulnerable, sick, needy and when I am no longer a victim in it they don't know what to do. Great - so I know their psychology...But so. It's only made me feel more at ease in my truth. It is my truth after all....behaviors I don't like. If he loves me like he says he does he'll respect this. If he is sick like I think he is he may not respect this....so this is when I gravitated toward my female freinds for support -- particularly with this board not being here -- these female friends are the ones in my new women's meeting....we're all alks AND we're all codies. We're trying to differentiate between being society's *nurturing* matriarchs and full-fledged codependents. And in the middle of all this, trying to stay sober. This is no easy task for me.
I was telling a friend yesterday. In AA, it's quite simple...Do whatever you have to do to stay away from the first drink. Okay. Good. Got that. NOW, this line of codependancy is a little more grey to me. For example, I was at the store yesterday during *our vow of silence* and picked up some candy he likes. I must have mind-effed that all day. "Was that codie?"
He calls and I turn off the phone. "Was that being punitive?" No, it wasn't. History has shown during the times he'll *punish* me by withholding affection and communication he'll call when I am *out* in order to make sure I haven't forgotten that he is punishing me. You know? Like he'll call to say, "I'm going somewhere." and then, knowing I have no vehicle, he won't offer to pick me up something I may need...you know...little things...like groceries. His way of trying to remind me I *need* him.
I told him last night...when we had graduated to full on talking that I no longer needed him. I meant it. It wasn't to hurt him. It was to let him know his proper place in the scheme that is my life. I have the oxygen I need and at times I was hungry, God has sent people into my life who donated food.
My life is good today and maybe we've learned a little more. I know that I have drwn the lines in the imaginary sand and this is where I am. I did a lot of things well during this trial...I didn't isolate, I kept in touch with my support system, I made my bed, washed my body, cleaned my house, fed my dog, read spiritual readings, read my novel I have going on, shopped, ate...I did plenty right. It didn't totally rock my world this time.
I will not concentrate on the things I did not do because I don't go for negative reinforcement today. That committee is spearheaded by what I call *My Mother Voice* and I had to tell her to shut up Thursday when it said: "You didn't get any work done. You didn't do this and do that." I had been pollen poisoned and mineral oil poisoned via a "poison-ivy-feeling" outbreak all over my body...thinking I was going to end up in the ER and this is what my brain is telling me? I told it to shut up.
Today we are back with other in peace. It's a process for both of us and I don't look at our fight or the vow of silence as something *bad* or *wrong* because it served us both well [we just talked about it and he said it served him well.] I thought it was quite progressive I didn't let it put me in turmoil and neither him. The rules of our relationship are still in effect and it's not like there is he11 to pay if the rule/s is/are broken it's just that one or both of us will be hurt. We have these rules to keep us both on track and we have agreed to them and there are only four. They ALL went broken by him a few days ago but we're not perfect...and I broke one SEVERELY in response to him which is when I relapsed.
- Thou shalt not engage in namecalling/belittling...[Ex. You are such an @$$hole!]
- Thou shalt not point out thy brethren's defects that thoust perceives...[Ex. You are a selfish person.]
- Thou shalt not slap thy brethren with issues of thou past...[Ex. ...like that time you gambled all our money away!]
- Thou shalt not engage in terms deemed as absolutes. [Ex. You ALWAYS say you're going to do it but you NEVER do!]
I believe these rules were God-inspired as they came to me one day when I realized I have rules with other people. One time I realized, when a friend *hit* me that that was an absolute of mine: Friends will not hit me. Then I realized no one could hit me. I realized one day I didn't like it when people offered their perception of me. Then I realized I didn't like barely my own perception of me. Then I realized I would quit judging myself. These notions I am sure, are not new....it's a process and it's where I am today. If I *break* a rule I realize it, and apologize for it...I realize that these rules keep me in harmony and no good has ever come from either one of us breaking them.
I am okay today and even slightly better than just okay. I hope to plant some plants and get into the dirt with him today. I think it may be nice. Gee, thanks for asking JT. :andy: I love ya.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
How I spent my time...by: LovingMom
I spent my time trying again and again to get to this site. LOL....really. I had just posted about how SonnyBoy stole my books and some clothing I had just bought for a company trip as well as my mother's carpet cleaner..well...he had a full day..took the clothes back to the store and got a store credit (he didn't have the receipt), bought stuff for his car...sold my books to a store called Half Priced books for some quick cash and pawned my mothers cleaner.. I got the cleaner out of pawn and brushed everything else off. No sense in obsessing what is not new or different. However..great stride for me...drum roll please....He called and asked for money!...I said NO..not now..not again. I told him that I loved him, but could not and would not support his habits. He said "You really hate me now don't you?" I told him that I could never hate HIM...what he does YES...what he chooses to put in his body...YES..but at the same time, I can never trust him in my home. So woo hoo....I drew the lines with him. I reckon a lot can happen in a couple of days huh?
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Digits,
Not needing him...that's big. Telling him you don't need him is bigger yet...but him getting it is priceless.
I told Ward at one time that I know he doesn't respect me and it doesn't matter because I don't need it. Ward is a guy's guy and chauvenist....married to ME no less! He has a tiny tiny list of people he respects so it is nothing personal and I don't take it that way. I told him I was going to stop even trying to earn it, that I am who am am...take it or leave it.
I suspect we were in very similar places. When I chucked the responsibilty for how he felt it was pretty freeing.
Hugs,
JT
Not needing him...that's big. Telling him you don't need him is bigger yet...but him getting it is priceless.
I told Ward at one time that I know he doesn't respect me and it doesn't matter because I don't need it. Ward is a guy's guy and chauvenist....married to ME no less! He has a tiny tiny list of people he respects so it is nothing personal and I don't take it that way. I told him I was going to stop even trying to earn it, that I am who am am...take it or leave it.
I suspect we were in very similar places. When I chucked the responsibilty for how he felt it was pretty freeing.
Hugs,
JT
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I took a cruise around the net. There are a lot of sites that have message boards, but not many that have a lot of codies. I also found sites that tout that AA and the 12 steps are a cult. It was an interesting read, but mostly just resentment at AA I think. The two highlights are that it is a spiritual program, which many resent. The other was that they were jealous at how popular AA was while other non spiritual, or secular programs were not. If I didn't have any knowledge of the program, these sights would have scared the $h1* out of me. I planned my vacation to the furniture capitol of the world, worked on the remodelling project, went to meetings. I missed everybody here. I think I am going to like the new format. Thanks to Jon and everybody who worked to get us back up and running. That kind of vacation I can do without. Hugs, Magic
Serves me right, I should have kow better.Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
I posted a very long reply and then lost it so I'll not do it again.
I simply say that even thro I came home to the same old same old;
The 12 Step Round-Up week-end was wonderful and refueling. Other than SR being down, My week was really a fine one.
We are blessed with usual warm sunny weather here in the N.W. 74* so I spent most of it out in the sunshine. JON is not the only one with sun....at least for this week-end.
EASTER BLESSINGS TO ALL OF YOU!
love and prayers,
Aunt Daffy
I simply say that even thro I came home to the same old same old;
The 12 Step Round-Up week-end was wonderful and refueling. Other than SR being down, My week was really a fine one.
We are blessed with usual warm sunny weather here in the N.W. 74* so I spent most of it out in the sunshine. JON is not the only one with sun....at least for this week-end.
EASTER BLESSINGS TO ALL OF YOU!
love and prayers,
Aunt Daffy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
beautiful
we must be from the same area, as we've had that sunshine too! NOTHING makes me smile as much as being able to run outside in the sunshine on the beautiful trails behind my house!!!!!! to all: have an amazing easter! celebrate that all the devils in your life have been beaten and conquered, accept the gift! have a wonderful time celebrating your choices tomorrow! love to you all! (boy! I AM in a good mood today, such a pleasant change!)
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