What is/was detachment for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
What is/was detachment for you?
I went to Al-Anon again 
A kind woman picked out some reading material based on what I said at the meeting. I've skimmed over a lot of it (will read more in depth later) however one little bullet point on one little flyer she picked out for me caught my attention.
"DETACHMENT
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
* Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;"
That was the killer for me. I gave up trying to make him be a proper husband, father and adult. It never worked. I could see him using ME (as well as using alcohol and drugs) to make him SEEM like a proper, husband, father and adult.
Watching him drink, knowing it would make him too sick to go to work the next day, knowing that once he started he would not stop until he blacked out. Knowing that he would "sleep" wherever he blacked out. It made ME SICK having to watch him do this - I gave up trying to make him stop ages ago: Knowing that after 4 beers, 3 hits of weed from his bong, some bourbon and some wine he would verbally abuse me and try to argue with me. Then having to listen to him blame me for EVERYTHING that had ever sucked or ANYTHING he had ever failed at in his life. Listening to him phone his work and LIE again and again and again about why he couldn't make it in to work that day. Seeing his email lies to his work about how one of the kids were sick and he had to stay at home to care for them. THE KIDS ARE HARDLY EVER SICK! I PUT THEM ON THE BUS EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL DAY AND THEN I GO TO WORK!!!
Becoming DETACHED but no, not with overt love (I suck at that I am too angry at how I was used along with the alcohol and drugs), helped me become strong enough to make him leave.
It's no fun though. I thought once he was gone an overwhelming peace would somehow descend from the heavens, from the Universe.
A kind woman picked out some reading material based on what I said at the meeting. I've skimmed over a lot of it (will read more in depth later) however one little bullet point on one little flyer she picked out for me caught my attention.
"DETACHMENT
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
* Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;"
That was the killer for me. I gave up trying to make him be a proper husband, father and adult. It never worked. I could see him using ME (as well as using alcohol and drugs) to make him SEEM like a proper, husband, father and adult.
Watching him drink, knowing it would make him too sick to go to work the next day, knowing that once he started he would not stop until he blacked out. Knowing that he would "sleep" wherever he blacked out. It made ME SICK having to watch him do this - I gave up trying to make him stop ages ago: Knowing that after 4 beers, 3 hits of weed from his bong, some bourbon and some wine he would verbally abuse me and try to argue with me. Then having to listen to him blame me for EVERYTHING that had ever sucked or ANYTHING he had ever failed at in his life. Listening to him phone his work and LIE again and again and again about why he couldn't make it in to work that day. Seeing his email lies to his work about how one of the kids were sick and he had to stay at home to care for them. THE KIDS ARE HARDLY EVER SICK! I PUT THEM ON THE BUS EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL DAY AND THEN I GO TO WORK!!!
Becoming DETACHED but no, not with overt love (I suck at that I am too angry at how I was used along with the alcohol and drugs), helped me become strong enough to make him leave.
It's no fun though. I thought once he was gone an overwhelming peace would somehow descend from the heavens, from the Universe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I don't know if I would call what I did detaching. I suppose not at first. I quit running around trying to find him, help him to bed, monitor what he drank, but I was still so emotionally invested that every time he messed up I would somehow bear that burden.
Now, I can say I am detached (mosy of the time), although I think I've detached more with hate than love, but it's no longer "my" issue. I can't remember who wrote it on here, but the first while I was here, I read.. "not my circus, not my monkey". I thought....that is the truth, exactly.
I thought peace would overwhelm me once he was gone, but it's definitely a process. And yes, I agree, this is definitely no fun.
Now, I can say I am detached (mosy of the time), although I think I've detached more with hate than love, but it's no longer "my" issue. I can't remember who wrote it on here, but the first while I was here, I read.. "not my circus, not my monkey". I thought....that is the truth, exactly.
I thought peace would overwhelm me once he was gone, but it's definitely a process. And yes, I agree, this is definitely no fun.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Give it time Lulu... the peace WILL come so long as you keep focusing on you. Going to Al-anon is a really great place to start. I have also had really great luck doing daily meditations using the Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go and More Language of Letting Go daily readers! The nice thing about Melody's books (particular More Language of Letting Go) is that they focus on life in general, not just alcoholism and codependency. I liked the Al-anon readers... but after a while, I really got sick and tired of everything written towards alcoholism... I was ready to not focus every damn day on it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good post, Lulu. I guess for me, detachment has been (and I'm still 'practicing' detachment everyday) not getting caught up in all my Wife's emotions that are usually all-over-the-place on a daily basis.
She's an emotional person and gets sucked in by others' problems (she's a Codie as well, I believe), and would suck me in at the same time. She also gets angry easily, and I woud get sucked in by that as well.
So, to answer the question, I believe that for me, detaching is letting her anger and emotions be all hers, and letting her deal with them. In addition, detaching is not looking at how much booze is left in the bottle after the previous night's drinking, not enabling, and not trying to control the environment.
Some days I'm better at it than others!
She's an emotional person and gets sucked in by others' problems (she's a Codie as well, I believe), and would suck me in at the same time. She also gets angry easily, and I woud get sucked in by that as well.
So, to answer the question, I believe that for me, detaching is letting her anger and emotions be all hers, and letting her deal with them. In addition, detaching is not looking at how much booze is left in the bottle after the previous night's drinking, not enabling, and not trying to control the environment.
Some days I'm better at it than others!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Detachment for me is allowing everyone the respect, dignity and self-love to walk their own path in life. . .
from deciding what is healthy behavior for them all the way down to deciding what clothes to wear.
Our little granddaughter that lives with us told some of her friends "ReeRee (my granddaughters' name for me) says if it's clean and nothing is hanging out - then I can wear it!"
lol - allowing an 8 yr old the freedom to have her own sense of style -
Hopefully it's a way to teach her to not try to control everything like I tried to do for so many years and it made everyone miserable ~
that's a start on detachment for me ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
from deciding what is healthy behavior for them all the way down to deciding what clothes to wear.
Our little granddaughter that lives with us told some of her friends "ReeRee (my granddaughters' name for me) says if it's clean and nothing is hanging out - then I can wear it!"
lol - allowing an 8 yr old the freedom to have her own sense of style -
Hopefully it's a way to teach her to not try to control everything like I tried to do for so many years and it made everyone miserable ~
that's a start on detachment for me ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I was married to an extremely responsible alcoholic. He paid every bill on time, planned ahead in life, was on top of any responsibility, and didn't even call in sick when he had the asian flu which put me down for a week.
He would get on my case all the time about the sabotaging I was doing, which was not taking care of my responsibilities as a cry for him to realize that he/we/I were imblalanced by his daily drinking.
I had only one choice for detachment, and I didn't like it. I had to leave. Wife number 4 gone, no friends, no family for him, as he distances himself and sabotages relationships.
Who was he going to be angry at now? Who was he going to try to control? Who was he going to blame? Who was he going to manipulate and intimidate?
Maybe he has found her.
Or maybe he will decide to stop drinking and get that chip off his shoulder, and decide that he's ok, and so is everybody else--to stop the madness that we are all bad at our core. His childhood baggage and religious guilt...let it go already!
I don't know...my job is to stop the sabotaging of my own responsibilities...and suddenly I don't feel guilty about accomplishments anymore...weird....
Just showing you that detachment and the patterns of alcoholics can be so very different from case to case.
He would get on my case all the time about the sabotaging I was doing, which was not taking care of my responsibilities as a cry for him to realize that he/we/I were imblalanced by his daily drinking.
I had only one choice for detachment, and I didn't like it. I had to leave. Wife number 4 gone, no friends, no family for him, as he distances himself and sabotages relationships.
Who was he going to be angry at now? Who was he going to try to control? Who was he going to blame? Who was he going to manipulate and intimidate?
Maybe he has found her.
Or maybe he will decide to stop drinking and get that chip off his shoulder, and decide that he's ok, and so is everybody else--to stop the madness that we are all bad at our core. His childhood baggage and religious guilt...let it go already!
I don't know...my job is to stop the sabotaging of my own responsibilities...and suddenly I don't feel guilty about accomplishments anymore...weird....
Just showing you that detachment and the patterns of alcoholics can be so very different from case to case.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Awesome post!
I have worked so hard on detaching over this past year. I started to feel it slowly and in stages. Then a couple of weeks ago, my AH quacked at me and it didn't even bother me, and I realized that detachment was truly in effect. I don't pine for him any longer, I don't think about him excessively, I'm not even that sad our 16 year marriage is over. I've detached. I've accepted. It's amazing and incredibly freeing. Like a huge weight has finally been lifted, and I can look ahead with excitement to the rest of my life.
The thought that hit me was that detachment was a sort of "vaccination" against being hooked by AH over and over. It's like I've been vaccinated against my AH, and now when I'm up against what before would have me in a tailspin or sad, it just doesn't affect me that much anymore. A year ago I would not have believed this to be possible!
I have worked so hard on detaching over this past year. I started to feel it slowly and in stages. Then a couple of weeks ago, my AH quacked at me and it didn't even bother me, and I realized that detachment was truly in effect. I don't pine for him any longer, I don't think about him excessively, I'm not even that sad our 16 year marriage is over. I've detached. I've accepted. It's amazing and incredibly freeing. Like a huge weight has finally been lifted, and I can look ahead with excitement to the rest of my life.
The thought that hit me was that detachment was a sort of "vaccination" against being hooked by AH over and over. It's like I've been vaccinated against my AH, and now when I'm up against what before would have me in a tailspin or sad, it just doesn't affect me that much anymore. A year ago I would not have believed this to be possible!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Detachment for me was huge when I realized that I don't have to pick up the phone. I don't have to respond to anything anyone says or does. I can hang up the phone if I want, or close the door without inviting them in, or just say, "No thank you," to a request or invitation. Detachment was not reacting. Just observing. Detachment means becoming smart through observation.
Detachment for me was also realizing I am enough. And especially that I am capable of accomplishing anything I need to accomplish. That I do not NEED anyone else in order to live my life, especially not an alcoholic or an addict. That I can lean on others, but I do not need to trade anything with anyone to get help with what I need help with. That there are people who will actually help you without requiring anything in return.
Detachment to me means Self-sufficiency. And Freedom.
Detachment for me was also realizing I am enough. And especially that I am capable of accomplishing anything I need to accomplish. That I do not NEED anyone else in order to live my life, especially not an alcoholic or an addict. That I can lean on others, but I do not need to trade anything with anyone to get help with what I need help with. That there are people who will actually help you without requiring anything in return.
Detachment to me means Self-sufficiency. And Freedom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
For me detachment meant accepting that my reality of my childhood was not the same as my mother's; that no matter how confident I was that if she just acknowledged the things she did wrong then all would be right with the world, such a thing could not be counted upon. That just because something was so important to me did not mean it was important to anyone else, especially her. That she was and is a human being completely separate from me, and that she is and was no more responsible for my happiness than I am or was for hers.
My mother and I rarely speak. She is unhappy and it makes me sad. She knows where I am and how to reach me, but she chooses not to. And I choose not to spend any effort wishing or worrying about her.
The process and end result of detachment does not in and of itself make me happy (quite the opposite); the process and end result of detachment makes it possible for me to make my own happiness.
My mother and I rarely speak. She is unhappy and it makes me sad. She knows where I am and how to reach me, but she chooses not to. And I choose not to spend any effort wishing or worrying about her.
The process and end result of detachment does not in and of itself make me happy (quite the opposite); the process and end result of detachment makes it possible for me to make my own happiness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Detachment for me was about establishing my boundaries.
Identifying what feelings were mind and what feelings were someone else's that I was taking on as my own. Identifying what was my desires and wishes and what was someone else's. And absolutely, OMG, what L2L said -- realizing I don't have to. I don't have to pick up the phone, I don't have to respond to e-mails, I don't have to react, I don't have to try to convince him he's wrong, I don't have to be right in anyone else's mind but my own.
I think this is why I keep telling people to go to Al-Anon. Because much beyond dealing with living with an A, it's a program that has taught me so much about myself. I thought people were nuts when they said they were grateful to have had the reason to find Al-Anon, but I sort of get it now. (I'd much rather not have been married to an A, but I get the general idea... )
Identifying what feelings were mind and what feelings were someone else's that I was taking on as my own. Identifying what was my desires and wishes and what was someone else's. And absolutely, OMG, what L2L said -- realizing I don't have to. I don't have to pick up the phone, I don't have to respond to e-mails, I don't have to react, I don't have to try to convince him he's wrong, I don't have to be right in anyone else's mind but my own.
I think this is why I keep telling people to go to Al-Anon. Because much beyond dealing with living with an A, it's a program that has taught me so much about myself. I thought people were nuts when they said they were grateful to have had the reason to find Al-Anon, but I sort of get it now. (I'd much rather not have been married to an A, but I get the general idea...
)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Detaching for me is an ongoing process. Sometimes I'm advancing toward that goal, sometimes not. My first step was to stop fretting over what I'll find when I get home, whether AW will be drunk or sober. I've pretty much given up looking for the hidden bottles, though my Daughter still does that, and occasionally I'll backslide and get caught up in it.
I saw the phrase somewhere "Letting go of the outcome", and that's what I try to do, as much as possible. However, as long as we live together and share finances, my detachment cannot be complete.
I saw the phrase somewhere "Letting go of the outcome", and that's what I try to do, as much as possible. However, as long as we live together and share finances, my detachment cannot be complete.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Detachment has been a difficult process for me. It means not getting suckered into someone elses's drama, not feeling sorry for them, not allowing myself to be treated like a doormat, and generally realizing my health and sanity has GOT to be my #1 priority, over and above what someone else wants and needs me to do.
Unfortunately in the past I have gotten so wrapped up in it that I am depressed and exhausted before I get to that point and then I end up detaching in anger. I really need to do better with that in the future, should I find myself in another relationship.
In my last relationship, taking time out for myself was seen as an act of hosility or disinterest so I got hit with the guilt trip, big time. I need to learn how to fend that off too.
Unfortunately in the past I have gotten so wrapped up in it that I am depressed and exhausted before I get to that point and then I end up detaching in anger. I really need to do better with that in the future, should I find myself in another relationship.
In my last relationship, taking time out for myself was seen as an act of hosility or disinterest so I got hit with the guilt trip, big time. I need to learn how to fend that off too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
