zaia

Hi,
I'm new here, and I really need help.
I just found out my husband is using cocaine. I found couple of empty bags of white powder in his clothes, but he denies it, blaming me for 'making things up'.
I know he lies about it, and I started noticing his changed behavior - runny nose, frequent bathroom visits, anger bursts, etc. We've been together for 5 years and have 2 year old boy, but this past half year he started acting differently - calling me names, getting angry out of nowhere, and blaming me for it. He's became totally unreasonable, and I'm scared of him because of all emotional violence he put me through.
I have no idea how long is he doing drugs, and I know he won;t tell me, but I don;t wanna live with an addict. Our baby deserves healthy and emotionally stable environment.
But can't he see what his addiction is doing? I never used drugs, so I don't get it. Is there anything I can do to help him drop it forever?
It's like my worst nightmare all the sudden became reality... I don't even know how to talk to him anymore.

outtolunch

People in active addiction or new to recovery make lousy parents. Your boundary is reasonable, healthy and protects both you and your child from the chaos of addiction.

A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it and in a situation like the one you are in, do so by removing themself and minor child from the situation.

A boundary seeks to protect the setter and minor children not to control other people. Your guy is free to live his life as he pleases, which he is going to do no matter what you say or do.

Once out of the situation, consider seeing an attorney about obtaining court-ordered child support.

SoLongFarewell

Unfortunately no, there is nothing you can do to help him. He's made the choice of using and now he has to face the consequences if he chooses to continue using. He will not see the destruction he causes.

From my experience, cocaine abuse gets progressively worse, my exabf used cocaine too and would develop psychosis from it. They become delusional and extremely paranoid about everything, it's very frightening experience to be around someone like that. They're unpredictable.

I wish I could give you advice- but you have to do what is right for you and your son.

Ann

Welcome, Zaia, I'm sorry you are going through this but glad you joined us.

Take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top, and you will see what living with active addiction looks like. I really hope you can find the courage to do whatever is necessary to keep yourself and your child safe.

Hugs

CanfixONLYme

Hi zaia... Welcome - I wish you didn't have to be in this situation. Sounds like you are at the end of your rope and are scared for yourself, baby and addicted husband (AH).

Unless your baby and yourself are in immediate danger - try to just read as much as you can here, post as much as you want and dont feel pressured to go into action mode because
of others postings. It's your journey, your life... You know the ins and outs of it better than anyone --- k?

If your husband is really volatile that could cause immediate harm, perhaps (I hope) you could stay with a friend or family for a bit to get yourself in a more mentally cohesive state.

Big hugs to you right now during this time of great stress and awful discovery ;(

LoveMeNow

I am very sorry for your pain. Addiction is evil - straight from the pits of hell. Please know that you are no match for it (none of us are). I would highly recommend seeking out help with a good therapist and/or Alanon or Naranon.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I lost myself - trying to "control it." I had no idea what I was up against. Untreated addiction is a progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.

zaia

Thanks for all the support!
I am scared, as I had no idea that he could be an addict. This changes everything. My biggest dilemma right now is either to confront him right now and force him to tell the truth (but in that case I have to leave immediately), or to wait a bit in order to gather more information, get a job (I was stay-at-home-mom this past year) and arrange things for myself before confronting him. I really want to clear this all out right now and make him chose between his family or drugs, but I'm scared that he'll start manipulating me by knowing that I have nowhere to go at the moment as I'm financially dependent on him. We live in a foreign country right now for over 2 years, and I don't have any close friends or relatives here, neither I have a family back home. Which makes it way more complicated..

zaia

And one more thing: does cocaine cause diarrhea, coughing and runny nose? I really have no idea what side effects drugs can give, but from as long as I remember my husband always had diarrhea. I thought perhaps that's normal, but if that actually from doing drugs, this means he's been using it the whole time.

Lara

Hi Zaia - you are under enormous stress. As other members here have rightly stated - addiction is a progressive disease and unfortunately not with a great outcome - some people do recover with therapy and a desire to recovery - but these positive stories are few and far between. However, and I use 'however' lightly - there are examples of people having life time relationships / marriages with a person who swings between months, years of recovery - and then relapsing - only to repeat the cycle again.
You say your husband is using cocaine? Is this certain? is this the only drug? I ask this, as there are definitely some situations I believe worse than others - different drug choices. Some drugs, I would urge you get the hell out immediately. But if he is not a threat to you?? IF?? Then keep cool. As Onlyfixme stated - this is about you - if you currently feel the situation is 'under control' (which is a complete oxymoron as no addiction is 'under control) - then don't rush into any decisions.
A silly question - but does your husband love you? Is he supportive? Is he your friend? Is there not chance of talking to him? Your situation is tough as you are in a foreign country with no family.... but technically your husband IS your family - is there no hope of discussing this with him?
Keep reading here on SR - but there are many stages to addiction - some of the stories here will fill you with horror. But depending on where he is at - there is hope. There is always hope.... Keep posting here - there are incredible people who will give you valuable advice...

But IMO I would keep calm. Take a deep breath. And don't plan on 'confronting' your husband. Addicts lie and they don't like people getting in the way of their addiction. Is there any hope you can speak to your husband calmly and matter of factly. Try to keep emotion out of your conversation. I know this is very tough - and sounds completely ridiculous - but TRY to not make this about you. I know, I know - I sound crazy - and you are his wife, you have a baby together - so it should be about YOU - but when it comes to addiction it is not about you. It is all about the addict. And what I have learnt now (my darling H is a cocaine addict - but been 'clean' of cocaine for over a year) - is that the addict does not take up addiction to purposely hurt the ones they love - we just happen to get caught up in the mess of it all. The only thing you can do is look after yourself - and your child. Educate yourself towards addiction. Try to find somebody in your community who you can talk to - a church? A doctor? Somebody.... and take one day at a time...

zaia

Thanks, Lara! Unfortunately I'm not 100% sure if that's coce. I just found few empty small bags of white powder, so I assumed it's coce. Are there other drugs that look just like that?
I can't talk to him calmly (I've tried several times), but he just freaks out and gets all defensive. And so many things had happened during those few couple of months, that I don't even know where to begin.
Well, first of, he's a graphic designer, so I always approved his a bit bizarre behavior in the past. He smokes marijuana for years (every day), but keeps it pretty light, and normally has a few beers in the evening. Normally he was always supportive, seemed loving and caring, maybe even too much controlling (where am I going, when I will be back, picking me up, etc). Still, he NEVER said he loved me. I asked him several times, and he just said he has bad experience from the past and won't say.
Then there were few time when he acted really strange - laying down on sofa, eyes other side or looking to one spot, or moving fast from one side to other, and looked like sleeping, except an open eyes. I tried asking if sth's wrong, did I do sth, etc, but he did't respond. I also asked then if he loves me, and he said he doesn't love anybody - neither me, neither himself., and asked me to leave him alone. This have happened several times during those 5 years we've been together. Well, I thought he's not in the good mood or wants privacy, but drugs have never crossed my mind! I know how stupid I may sound right now, for being so naive! Anyway, we lived like this (him having those 'weird' moods from time to time). Then we moved to Holland 2 years ago, and about a year ago his behavior started changing completely - as I wrote before, started calling me names, lying, disrespecting, etc. But then, about a month ago, I discovered he was flirting with another woman over the phone (thuns of sms all day long), and telling me he's going to visit a friend, when he went to see her. I stopped him right there and told him I KNOW that he's lying, and that I'm not gonna tolerate it. And that was the beginning of hell that lasted for over 3 weeks. He didn't apologize, nor admitted that he was having an affair (even thou I caught him on spot!) - he just blamed me for making things up, started threatening suicide, killing me, divorce, taking child away, etc. And well.. he scared the hell our of me! And for not having a place to go at that very moment, I took it all calmly and he finally relaxed (after 3 weeks or so). And then few weeks later I discovered those empty bags of drugs, which explains a lot of this past incident.
So, it's big mess and I don't know what else to expect. I realize now that he's not the person I thought I knew. Those few weeks ago I saw his darkest side, and how destructive his behavior is and what it does to me. I was shaking for days. Outcome - I stopped trusting him. But as new things keeps coming up, I try to understand how serious it all is and what I can do.. Thanks again for the support, I really need it!

zaia

And after reading drug description about coce, I assume he's on, as I've noticed him being all irritated, tense and in a bad mood (me asking what's wrong, him not responding), then he get's sth from the closet, goes to the bathroom for 5 min or so, I can hear the sound of plastic bag opening, sniffing nose, and then when he gets back he's in good mood, all cheerful, starts talking, etc. I know I'm not a pro when it comes to drugs, as I haven't done any in my life (I don't even take prescribed drugs), but I really try to understand his behavior. Yesterday when he was in the bathroom, I had such an impulse to go and open the door and catch him ding it! But I hesitated, as I wasn't ready for what I'm gonna do then..

zaia

Now I start understanding how could in just a second from friend become an enemy.

laura802

Your husband has been eaten by a lion. Remember that. He may look like your husband, but until he getsreal treatment that's only an illusion. When you talk to him you are talking to only the lion that ate him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's an extremely difficult road. Stay strong for yourself and your child. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

tjp613

Is there a domestic abuse hotline you can call? If he has threatened you physically, you certainly qualify for shelter and counseling. If you aren't ready to seek shelter, at the very least you can talk to experienced counselors who should be able to help you navigate through your options and to make good decisions for you and your baby.

Please be careful but call a hotline as soon as you can.

GardenMama

Dear Zaia,

I am sorry for your complicated and difficult situation. After reading the whole post, I am concerned for your safety. He's been using since you met him and now he's found something very powerful that is clearly in control.

I just did a very quick google search for women's shelters in The Netherlands and found this:

Women

I see from the article that there are lots of them in the country, so perhaps you should consider this as an option, given that he is threatening murder, suicide, etc. You may feel alone, but you aren't! You are in a country that will care for you and keep you safe. Please check into this as an option--any of them--and keep us posted!

zaia

No, he has never abused me physically. Thanks for the link, GardenMama, I'll check it out and keep that in mind, in case he get's violent after we start talking about the issue.
I'm still not sure if delaying to talk to him is a good idea, and I really do want him to take responsibility for his actions.
Is there any chance, that IF he's doing cocaine only recently (few months or so), he'll drop it right there and then, once and forever - after I set the boundary and tell him clearly that I won't tolerate it?

shockozulu

I doubt he'll drop it if confronted. If anything it will likely cause him to hide his use even more so than before.

His behavior in your first post reminds me of my old roommate and sister. To this day I don't know what drug she is using, nor do I care.

What I did care about was her behavior and when she did cross the line to physically abuse me after the second time I just walked out.

I didn't have any family I could confide in, my mother had died less than a year before. I ended up in a homeless shelter for several months.

It wasn't an ideal situation but I did get out of there in one piece. I'm now doing better, and I feel safe for the first time in years.

Please keep that link handy, you don't know when you might need it.

FindingErica

You might consider having your ducks in a row before confronting him. Get your head on straight and don't react out of emotion. Be wise and safe for you and your child.
Welcome to SR!

GardenMama

He doesn't have to be hitting you for you to be in a dangerous situation, so please keep that in mind! He doesn't have to be physically harming you for you to qualify for a space in a shelter--you just have to feel in danger, and from what you have posted, you certainly seem to be feeling danger and you also have intense anxiety just thinking about his reaction to you confronting him. When we fear a person's reaction, there's usually a power imbalance the relationship. Your situation indicates danger to me, and would to anyone familiar with relationship abuse. Emotional abuse is just as (and some might even say more) destructive than physical. Please be careful.

zaia

Thank you all for the valuable advice!
And you're right, GardenMama, I started to fear him after the last incident, when I confronted him about him lying to me. And that didn't go well at all! I witnessed what kind of reaction the truth revokes in him, and how it affects me. And frankly, I'm anxious. I know I have to talk to him about this, but I'm sick to my stomach even thinking about it!
Today I should get response regarding the job I was interviewing for the last week. God, I'm praying to get it!
Thanks again for everything, I'll keep you posted!