New to the site and alcoholism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
New to the site and alcoholism
Dear readers,
I am a 24 year old whos mother is an alcoholic, or at least I think. I have only recently officially learned that my mother is an alcoholic and have not been able to very well understand what it is I need to do to address the situation. First I need to understand it. Attempting to research different classifications of alcohol abuse is difficult and I need to understand what kind of an alcoholic she is. She seems almost like a HFA. Although I have just learned that she is an alcoholic, I can now think back and make connections to all her funny behavior for quite a few years that I can remember. My mother primarily drinks in the evening, Wine is her drink of choice. But she does not make it very clear at all until she sits down for dinner or once she becomes drunk that she is drinking wine. I almost never see her taking a drink when I am around her but all of a sudden notice her changes. She starts to glass over in the eyes, repetes the same stories over and over, and has recently picked up a sort of twitch where when she starts being affected by alcohol she keeps expanding her jaw as if she were trying to equalize the pressure in her ear when you are taking off in an airplane. It also seems like It does not take very much alcohol at all to cause her to become drunk. Even after 2 glasses she already begins to show signs. Now she does not eat very much during the day. She prides herself on eating small meals and very nutrient rich meals high in antioxidants and vitamines a woman at her age needs. But I think its the low level of food in her system that causes her to get drunk so easily. I would say she probably goes through a few bottles of wine a week 3-4, maybe more. I really dont know I havent monitored it that closely. Occasionally I will notice a glass in another room with a little bit of brandy or wisky left in it. It seems in recent years her drinking has increased but in an odd way. If she doesnt have to go anywhere or drive anywhere she will most likely drink. But still there will be nights where she just will not have anything. When learning about this problem from my dad he explained that she will consciously not drink if she knows she will be driving later. This is a really good thing at least, but is disturbing because its as if she knows that she does have a problem. WHen asking my dad if he has ever done anything about it he said yes. But it didnt seem like he tried very hard other than bringing it up to her and her getting upset about it. I dont know how many people know that she has an official problem but I do know there are many friends that are suspicious of the problem. My question is, where to I start, and what kind of an alcoholic is she? The internet has not done a very good job at explaining her specific symptoms or habits. Are there people who are conscious alcoholics who choose to do nothing about it? With her political position and religious positions as well as life hardships like both my parents loosing their jobs in the start of the recession her intake has seemed to increase and the negativism that comes out when she is drunk as too.
Please, help begin to point me in the right direction. I know this will not be a quick process nor a painless one. But I need to start somewhere.
Thank you.
I am a 24 year old whos mother is an alcoholic, or at least I think. I have only recently officially learned that my mother is an alcoholic and have not been able to very well understand what it is I need to do to address the situation. First I need to understand it. Attempting to research different classifications of alcohol abuse is difficult and I need to understand what kind of an alcoholic she is. She seems almost like a HFA. Although I have just learned that she is an alcoholic, I can now think back and make connections to all her funny behavior for quite a few years that I can remember. My mother primarily drinks in the evening, Wine is her drink of choice. But she does not make it very clear at all until she sits down for dinner or once she becomes drunk that she is drinking wine. I almost never see her taking a drink when I am around her but all of a sudden notice her changes. She starts to glass over in the eyes, repetes the same stories over and over, and has recently picked up a sort of twitch where when she starts being affected by alcohol she keeps expanding her jaw as if she were trying to equalize the pressure in her ear when you are taking off in an airplane. It also seems like It does not take very much alcohol at all to cause her to become drunk. Even after 2 glasses she already begins to show signs. Now she does not eat very much during the day. She prides herself on eating small meals and very nutrient rich meals high in antioxidants and vitamines a woman at her age needs. But I think its the low level of food in her system that causes her to get drunk so easily. I would say she probably goes through a few bottles of wine a week 3-4, maybe more. I really dont know I havent monitored it that closely. Occasionally I will notice a glass in another room with a little bit of brandy or wisky left in it. It seems in recent years her drinking has increased but in an odd way. If she doesnt have to go anywhere or drive anywhere she will most likely drink. But still there will be nights where she just will not have anything. When learning about this problem from my dad he explained that she will consciously not drink if she knows she will be driving later. This is a really good thing at least, but is disturbing because its as if she knows that she does have a problem. WHen asking my dad if he has ever done anything about it he said yes. But it didnt seem like he tried very hard other than bringing it up to her and her getting upset about it. I dont know how many people know that she has an official problem but I do know there are many friends that are suspicious of the problem. My question is, where to I start, and what kind of an alcoholic is she? The internet has not done a very good job at explaining her specific symptoms or habits. Are there people who are conscious alcoholics who choose to do nothing about it? With her political position and religious positions as well as life hardships like both my parents loosing their jobs in the start of the recession her intake has seemed to increase and the negativism that comes out when she is drunk as too.
Please, help begin to point me in the right direction. I know this will not be a quick process nor a painless one. But I need to start somewhere.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by cjgodfryt920 
My question is, where to I start, and what kind of an alcoholic is she?
But first, please know there is no "kind" of alcoholic. HFA's are simply in a stage of disease progression.
Secondly, consider attending Al-Anon meetings. Go at least 5 times, to different meetings in your area. It takes a while to understand the program and its purpose. And each group has a different flavor.
Read the stickies at the top of our page here, and also read threads in both the alcoholism and newcomers to recovery forums.
A good book to read as well is Under the Influence. Google it - all the major booksellers have it in stock or available via ebook.
Lastly, keep coming back and keep talking...it really helps us to let go of the secrets and seek support for ourselves.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 44
Hi
I'm sorry for what you're going through, sounds like it's been a shock to find out about your mum.
There's a book I've found useful called 'Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism' by Katherine Ketcham and William Astbury. It includes a description of the stages through which alcoholism typically progresses.
In my case, it's my boyfriend who's an alcoholic. He's probably about the same age as your mum. He holds down a responsible, professional job - I think his colleagues think he's a heavy drinker while some of his friends probably suspect it's a bit more serious than that. We're British so heavy drinking is more widely accepted.
However, I think the issues caused by growing up with an alcoholic parent are probably quite different from those which arise in a romantic relationship. So hopefully some of the wise people who frequent this forum will reply to your post with their own experience and advice.
One final suggestion - feel free to take it or leave it: if your mum acknowledges that she's an alcoholic, perhaps you could ask her to tell you more about it?
Take care
SG
I'm sorry for what you're going through, sounds like it's been a shock to find out about your mum.
There's a book I've found useful called 'Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism' by Katherine Ketcham and William Astbury. It includes a description of the stages through which alcoholism typically progresses.
In my case, it's my boyfriend who's an alcoholic. He's probably about the same age as your mum. He holds down a responsible, professional job - I think his colleagues think he's a heavy drinker while some of his friends probably suspect it's a bit more serious than that. We're British so heavy drinking is more widely accepted.
However, I think the issues caused by growing up with an alcoholic parent are probably quite different from those which arise in a romantic relationship. So hopefully some of the wise people who frequent this forum will reply to your post with their own experience and advice.
One final suggestion - feel free to take it or leave it: if your mum acknowledges that she's an alcoholic, perhaps you could ask her to tell you more about it?
Take care
SG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Welcome and I am very sorry for what you are going through.
A couple things - very happy your mother is not driving. Don't let this comfort you that she is less or more an alcoholic. There are plenty of alcoholics that set "rules" for their drinking. My RAH never drank at work, never hard liquor before 5 etc.etc. I hope she doesn't ever change this rule just don't let it comfort you that it means she is in more "control".
I felt like I heard a little irritation with your Dad in talking to her and what he has done about it. As the partner to an A - I understand this a little more than you do. No one can control an A, how they drink or how much they drink. No one. it might not be at the point that he is setting boundaries, or maybe he has and they aren't working. I know he is frustrated and worried.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease like all diseases. If she is one it will only get worse. As far as "different" types of alcoholics I agree that there aren't any. There are those newer into the disease and those that are deep into it. There are functioning alcoholics and non-functioning, everyone's stories are different yet they are all the same. It is a family disease it affects everyone who is in contact with it. For some people they get health issues from alcoholism like my AH, for some legal issues etc. Mine who was the definition of a raging alky never got a DUI or arrested, managed to keep a job till the end and then lost it all. The one place they all end up is complete and utter destruction of their lives.
Yes there are people who know they are alcoholics that continue to drink. Just as there are people with lung cancer that continue to smoke, people with mental illness that refuse therapy and people who are sick that don't go to the doctor. There is no reasoning or logic with alcoholism. I have never asked my RAH when he knew he was an alcoholic - interesting question that I am surprised I don't know the answer to. I know he did know for many, many years before he got sober maybe 10 years plus.
Please go to al anon so you can educate yourself in how to protect yourself, and how not to enable your mom. It might help you to do this before you tackle how to proceed with your family. Hope your dad will join.
Good luck and peace to you. Keep posting here - many many friendly folks here with lots of experience.
A couple things - very happy your mother is not driving. Don't let this comfort you that she is less or more an alcoholic. There are plenty of alcoholics that set "rules" for their drinking. My RAH never drank at work, never hard liquor before 5 etc.etc. I hope she doesn't ever change this rule just don't let it comfort you that it means she is in more "control".
I felt like I heard a little irritation with your Dad in talking to her and what he has done about it. As the partner to an A - I understand this a little more than you do. No one can control an A, how they drink or how much they drink. No one. it might not be at the point that he is setting boundaries, or maybe he has and they aren't working. I know he is frustrated and worried.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease like all diseases. If she is one it will only get worse. As far as "different" types of alcoholics I agree that there aren't any. There are those newer into the disease and those that are deep into it. There are functioning alcoholics and non-functioning, everyone's stories are different yet they are all the same. It is a family disease it affects everyone who is in contact with it. For some people they get health issues from alcoholism like my AH, for some legal issues etc. Mine who was the definition of a raging alky never got a DUI or arrested, managed to keep a job till the end and then lost it all. The one place they all end up is complete and utter destruction of their lives.
Yes there are people who know they are alcoholics that continue to drink. Just as there are people with lung cancer that continue to smoke, people with mental illness that refuse therapy and people who are sick that don't go to the doctor. There is no reasoning or logic with alcoholism. I have never asked my RAH when he knew he was an alcoholic - interesting question that I am surprised I don't know the answer to. I know he did know for many, many years before he got sober maybe 10 years plus.
Please go to al anon so you can educate yourself in how to protect yourself, and how not to enable your mom. It might help you to do this before you tackle how to proceed with your family. Hope your dad will join.
Good luck and peace to you. Keep posting here - many many friendly folks here with lots of experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
Wow, Thanks for all the responces. I am working on finding Al Anon meetings in my area as I know this is somewhere I need to go to hear other peoples stories and to learn more about the problem in depth. I do want to learn a little more about this disease before I confront my mom about it. It seems as though I just dont how I am going to bring this up or what to say. I know no matter how I do there is going to be a strong reaction to it, but I want to be as ready as I can be. Is there a better way to do it than not (other than not being agressive). What I mean is, is a private conversation better, an intervention? Any help with this as well would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
All I can offer is not to get your hopes up about confronting your mother. You're trying to treat something totally irrational in a rational way. A's don't think the way we do. They aren't even in the same universe as the rest of us. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3
This really reminds me of my own mom, who died about a decade ago after battling alcoholism for a number of years. Her drink of choice was also wine, and you could always tell the instant she was drunk due to the glassy eyes, the repeated stories, etc. If your mom is like mine, she may be hiding wine elsewhere so she can drink it in secret, which is one of the classic signs of alcoholism.
Definitely look into Al-anon meetings and a healthy way to confront your mom, and if you need someone to talk to around here, please message me.
Definitely look into Al-anon meetings and a healthy way to confront your mom, and if you need someone to talk to around here, please message me.
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