Rosiepetal

Hi I'm new
I have split up with my alcoholic boyfriend of 2 1/2 years & wasn't sure where to turn. I love him & miss him like crazy but it was my decision to end it because the drinking was getting worse & ruining our relationship. We have been in touch briefly & he has cut right back on his drinking and acknowledged he needs to change & focus on himself now. I've heard this all before of course. I had him very close to changing once where I took him into my home & nursed him while he went cold turkey. I have 2 kids & we don't live together so I could only do that for 2 days & let him take it from there. Lasted about 2 weeks then slowly the drinking crept back in as it always does. I have been through the pattern of him cutting back several times but it always gets worse. I would like to know what I can do as someone who cares for him, can I help or am I better to stay away. it is so hard. He has gone away this weekend out of town to catch up with friends & an ex (yucky feeling for me there) & has 2 parties to go to. Doesn't sound like he's changing but more running away to have good time?

fluffyflea

Hi,

What you can do is be a friend to yourself and take care of you. If you can order the books Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew.

Read the stickies at the top and keep asking questions.

Pelican

Here are the steps that helped me.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

tjp613

You have defined your boundary: I will not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. So the answer is there. Is it not?

Learn2Live

In my experience, the best thing to do is let go and let God. We fool ourselves into thinking our efforts at getting them to clean up actually make a difference. All we're doing is pampering them and giving them a soft place to land.

For my own sanity, it has always been best for me to go No Contact from the sick people I become obsessed with helping and loving. I know it will hurt and continue to hurt for a while but I also always know I will come out stronger than before.

Let go, hon; save yourself. Focus on you and your children. Don't let a man, or anyone else for that matter, steal your attention, energy, and resources from those children again.

peaches08

I used to think that people said these kinds of things because they were miserable being alone...like they were justifying their loss. I kept thinking "but my situation is different!" Now I know better.

Rosiepetal, I am so sorry and I know how much it hurts. It also seems like 2 to 3 years is the length of time it takes for us enablers to start cracking. I resent the way my house was for my old dying cat while trying to "love" my exboyfriend sober. She's gone now but the fights scaring her during her treatments...I resent that. You have children. Please think about that. Don't let them grow up thinking that alcoholism is OK.

marie1960

Rosie, you made a personal decision to end a toxic situation.

Loving and missing someone is not a reason to allow him back into your life. As difficult as it is, stick to the facts of the matter, do not allow your emotions/feelings to rule.

You have two kids to protect, they certainly do not deserve a life aboard the crazytrain. Adults cannot handle/process living in addiction. I cannot fathom how scary and painful it is for a child.

Lastly, he is off to two parties and reconnecting with an ex this weekend. His actions are very clear, He is going to do whatever he damn well pleases. He has NO intention to stop drinking.

For your sake and the welfare of your kids, I can only suggest going NO CONTACT with this guy. You ended this relationship, if you are done, be done. Get out and enjoy the weekend with your kids, time to refocus and make your home a safe and healthy haven.

Please know you are not alone. Post all you need, we are here with you.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I agree with everyone else, there is nothing you can do. I was in a relationship with someone for 3 years who was an alcoholic, I put up with as much as I could for far too long, but he also had no intention to stop drinking. They need to make the decision to "help" themselves, and most of them don't see that they have a problem so they have no reason to change. Meanwhile they make our lives chaotic and stressful. Just let him go on his merry way...

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Rosiepetal.

All great suggestions here so far, and I agree with them all. Sometimes, we need to let go or be dragged. It doesn't make it hurt any less, though. But best to ride the pain out instead of looking for ways to hop back on the crazy train.

Keep coming back,
T

Rosiepetal

Thank you to you all for your advice and support.
It helps to know I am not alone & I have learnt so much here already.
You have each given me a little more strength to make halthy choices.

Titanic

He must come back resolutely in sober recovery on his own, or not at all. You're not a treatment center or a professional rehabber, are you?