Derbygirl

I posted "Am i being naive?" earlier today...

To make all matters worse and it harder for me to leave him, he is deploying to Afghanistan ON Christmas day. No joke. How can I leave him when he's about to deploy to a war zone ON Christmas? That's only 10 weeks away.

FML!!!!

TakingCharge999

Easy, leave him today..
There will always be an excuse.
If you have decided to leave, then leave. Thinking about when it will be easier for HIM means ignoring your own needs, which are as important.
Respect his time, respect your time & wishes..
Hugs

suki44883

If you're sure you want to leave the relationship, then leave now. If you aren't sure, then you probably aren't ready to leave. If we leave before we are ready, it's way too easy to let ourselves be manipulated back in. Decide what you truly want, then act accordingly. He'll survive.

Learn2Live

He IS a grown man, isn't he? Didn't he say directly to you that he will never stop drinking?

Titanic

Perhaps you could write him a letter telling him exactly how you feel, leave it at home for him, and stay with family or friends for a couple of days. Sometimes guys don't get it until they hear it loud and clear, and see it in black and white! Just a less drastic option.

Peace.

Pelican

How does your staying in a relationship with an active alcoholic makes his deployment safer? easier? healthier?

He has what he wants: alcohol.

Derbygirl

He is crazy in love with me. it would break his heart if I left and then have to deploy on Christmas. Not sure if I can do that.

catlovermi

A partner who is crazy in love with you does not choose drinking over family, or spend children's grocery money on beer.

He's already point-blank told you he chooses drinking over you, and refuses to give up drinking as he wants to drink.

So now you know where you stand, in his priorities list.

Magical or romantic thinking doesn't change reality; indeed it often clouds it with the partner of an alcoholic.

CLMI

NWGRITS

This. He is not crazy in love with you. He is manipulative and abusive. That is not love. He will drink whether or not you're there. He will always find something to blame for his problems if you're not there to be his verbal punching bag. He will probably replace you pretty quickly with another naive, codependent girl once you do leave. It's how they work. But the point is, THIS IS NOT LOVE.

Freedom1990

FOG=Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Whenever I made decisions based on those three things, it completely backfired for me.

lillamy

If you want to, you can always find a reason to continue feeling responsible for his life, his feelings, his actions.

I told myself I could not leave my AXH the time he was fired, because he needed me more than ever. (Forget the fact that his way of handling getting fired was getting drunk and staying drunk for the better part of two weeks.) I told myself I could not leave my AXH the time he broke his leg because he really needed me more than usual. I told myself I couldn't leave him because his dad was having heart surgery in a couple of months. Because he was up for promotion in a couple of months. Etc., etc., etc.

It may sound harsh, but when you're DONE, when you're fed up and have had enough of having alcohol rule your life, the circumstances won't matter anymore. You will have had enough, you will have reached your limit, and there's not a thing in the world that could make you stay.

dandylion

Dear Derbygirl, In my opinion, those that have posted so far, are giving you good feedback. You see, all of these people have been through the insanity of co-dependency and are trying to help you see the situation for what it truly is. The have special understanding of your situation because they have walked in your shoes. They know the consequences.

In particular, Freedom 1990 mentioned the FOG=fear, obligation, guilt. That has helped me make hard decisions.
I believe (i'm just spitballing, here) that you know what you want for your ownself, but you feel overwhelming GUILT about what people will say. But, you know, it is a nevering ending thing--if you break up while he is there, you will feel guilt---if you break up with him when he gets back, you will feel guilt. There is no way out of the fear of guilt until you realize that you are being ruled by guilt---not what is the best thing for you. He will get over this easier than you (in my opinion). He has alcohol to drown his feelings in---or another person to become his punching bag---or blame everything on others.....on and on.

My advice is to make the decision that is in your own best interest. His interest certainly has not been for you.

dandylion

Learn2Live

Ooh, I really like that! I had never heard that one before! I am going to write it down. Thanks Devon!

dollydo

Many times we codies confuse being needed with being loved. Cause you believe that he needs you, doesn't mean that he loves you, addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages. Their first love is their DOC. Not my rules, just how it works.

If you are that unhappy, then now is a good time to move forward, he will have plenty of people to cry to. He is a big boy, he will get over it. If you decide to stay, then accept him for who he is, being deployed is not going to make him sober, most likely he will even worse when he returns.

It is totally up to you, where do you want to be in 2 years? The ball is in your court.

Titanic

If your mind were set on leaving him, and it was only a matter of when (before, during or after deployment), then I would think that now would be the best time for a whole lot of reasons.

However, I do not think your mind is set, and that is where the rub is. Going to Al-Anon meetings would help you, as would seeing an individual counselor who has lots of addiction/alcoholism experience.

Rather than deny your point of view (as you're the one seeing it there), I ask you: What, specifically, makes you believe he is crazy in love with you?