I need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 48
I need advice
My 23 yr old son is an alcoholic and has been since probably 16. He doesn't drink every day but usually about every 3-4 days and then drinks until he blacks out. THis has caused him many problems such as being arrested several times, getting hurt, losing his license, and losing friends and girlfriends. Unbelievably , it hasn't been enough to make him stop. Right now he is back at school finishing his last semester of college. Here's what I need advice on....He is still drinking and I know it because he does stupid things and calls me and his sisters and he is extremely mean and acts out of control. He gets very agitated and is a different person. If I ask if he's drinking he gets more angry and says things like, "I can't wait until I'm out of here on my own and away from your psycho questioning, etc" He usually calls me later that night even if it's 2:00 in the morning because he is depressed. Then he feels bad. Once in a while he admits he was drinking but is going to stop. Do I just not even ask him anymore if he's drinking? He called last night at 12:30 and evidently sent some mean texts to his girlfriend and now she won't talk to him. He wants me to advise and console him. I just felt mad and said I'm tired and am tired of you calling me after you drink. He went off and ended up hanging up.
I am still supporting him and am hoping he makes it through December and graduates so I didn't waist a semester of tuition. He won't go to AA because he doesn't need it. It is just a vicious cirlce and I want it to stop. I feel like he gets drunk, acts mean or stupid, feels bad and turns nice, we forgive him, then he drinks and acts mean and stupid......
Any advice?
Thank you.
I am still supporting him and am hoping he makes it through December and graduates so I didn't waist a semester of tuition. He won't go to AA because he doesn't need it. It is just a vicious cirlce and I want it to stop. I feel like he gets drunk, acts mean or stupid, feels bad and turns nice, we forgive him, then he drinks and acts mean and stupid......
Any advice?
Thank you.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hugs, I can imagine how very terrifying and painful all of this is. I have an alcoholic in my own life that I love very much who does some of these same things, it would be even more painful if it were one of my children.
On these forums we have a family and friends of AND a parent's of section. Those will put you in touch with people who are dealing with the situation you are and can be a great support for you.
Just scroll a bit farther down the page from the newcomers section and you will see them listed. If you have any trouble finding them, post here again and someone will put up the link, but it is right here on this site, you won't have to sign or register any where else to access them.
On these forums we have a family and friends of AND a parent's of section. Those will put you in touch with people who are dealing with the situation you are and can be a great support for you.
Just scroll a bit farther down the page from the newcomers section and you will see them listed. If you have any trouble finding them, post here again and someone will put up the link, but it is right here on this site, you won't have to sign or register any where else to access them.
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM Devastated. Healing.. and he is sick... takes longer for some of us than others. Some, like myself, far longer.
I'm 55 now. I started drinking socially and recreationally when I was a teen. My frequent use started a few years ago. My family and myself have gone through EVERYTHING you described due to that use.
They are/have been VERY close to giving up on me.
If your son won't go to meetings, perhaps you can point him here. You're both very welcome. I only found this place yesterday and had 25 days sober, this time, when I did. I glad to be here.
I'm 55 now. I started drinking socially and recreationally when I was a teen. My frequent use started a few years ago. My family and myself have gone through EVERYTHING you described due to that use.
They are/have been VERY close to giving up on me.
If your son won't go to meetings, perhaps you can point him here. You're both very welcome. I only found this place yesterday and had 25 days sober, this time, when I did. I glad to be here.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
He won't go to AA but that does not stop you from going to Alanon. You will be surrounded by people who understand and have real solutions to your problems. You can not change your son but you can change yourself
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
Devastated1:
My condolences. Your son is suffering from untreated alcoholism.
It's that simple. Your his mother and you love him. Also simple to understand. Here's what's not simple to understand. Your son has 3 choices #1) Sobriety, #2)Insanity/Prisons, #3) Death.
Those are his choices, no one else's. At 23 he has the right to do what he pleases but he does not have the right to take you down with him or to ruin your life in the process. Don't worry about changing yourself. It doesn't sound like their is anything wrong with you to begin with. I don't know what state you live in, but investigate the possibility of having him "pink slipped" into treatment ( he's a danger to himself and others) A.A. does not have the market cornered on getting sober. What A.A. DOES have the market cornered on is STAYING sober. Getting sober and staying sober are 2 totally different things. Take care of yourself.
My condolences. Your son is suffering from untreated alcoholism.
It's that simple. Your his mother and you love him. Also simple to understand. Here's what's not simple to understand. Your son has 3 choices #1) Sobriety, #2)Insanity/Prisons, #3) Death.
Those are his choices, no one else's. At 23 he has the right to do what he pleases but he does not have the right to take you down with him or to ruin your life in the process. Don't worry about changing yourself. It doesn't sound like their is anything wrong with you to begin with. I don't know what state you live in, but investigate the possibility of having him "pink slipped" into treatment ( he's a danger to himself and others) A.A. does not have the market cornered on getting sober. What A.A. DOES have the market cornered on is STAYING sober. Getting sober and staying sober are 2 totally different things. Take care of yourself.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
I undertand you are his mother, but when I went to vist my dad in rehab they took everyone's families and talked to us about what we could do, and what not to do. Tough love is NECESSARY. You are just enabling him by consoling him when he's drunk. It's really hard to hear this, but it's true. If he calls when drunk dont answer at all, or say "call me back when you are sober" maybe if he feels like there is somthing to ACTUALLY lose (his supportive parents) he will rethink what he's doing. I don't mean to sound mean or rude, but it's true. That meeting I had that day with the conselour was very informative.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this with your son. Speaking as a mom, I know how hard it is to watch your children struggle and not be able to fix things. Speaking as an alcoholic, the desire for change has to come from inside the person. Your son has to want help and it sounds to me like he is still in denial.
It's not easy, but the best thing you can do is to allow him to take full responsibility for the consequences of his behavior. That would mean not rescuing him (emotionally, financially, or whatever), and setting healthy boundaries for yourself. One thing you could do would be to turn off the phone at night, or refusing to talk to him when he's drunk.
I'm glad you're here. You'll get lots of support in the section for Family/Friends, too.
It's not easy, but the best thing you can do is to allow him to take full responsibility for the consequences of his behavior. That would mean not rescuing him (emotionally, financially, or whatever), and setting healthy boundaries for yourself. One thing you could do would be to turn off the phone at night, or refusing to talk to him when he's drunk.
I'm glad you're here. You'll get lots of support in the section for Family/Friends, too.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi again Devastated1
I'm sorry things are still rough for you. I know you got a lot of good advice last time down in the FF section.
There's nothing we can do to change other people - they need to want to change...but there's a lot we can do for ourselves.
Did you ever think of something like AlAnon for yourself?
D
I'm sorry things are still rough for you. I know you got a lot of good advice last time down in the FF section.
There's nothing we can do to change other people - they need to want to change...but there's a lot we can do for ourselves.
Did you ever think of something like AlAnon for yourself?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 48
Thanks for all the good advice. I have already decided that I won't rescue him again if he gets in trouble. I am just wanting so bad for him to want to stop drinking and don't understand how he could continue after it has caused so much unhappiness in his life.
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