MTBChick

OK for the most part I'm feeling rather good. SR has been helping me feel very sane where as July, August, & September had me feeling oh so INSANE!! Its like I got sober from co-dependency back in 07/08 and then like the A went back out there again 4 years later and it was worse than before & only took 3 months to get there GAH!! I had one of my students say to me yesterday "your not in a bad mood today... You've been in a bad mood for weeks". Just so you know I teach a moderate/severe profound life skills classroom. My student saying this to me.... WOW.... Eye opener. Yet, even tho my mood has improved, haven't cried since the weekend, I'm starting my 4th step, going to Al-Anon, and have a phone therapy session setup with the therapist who helped me get threw/over the XABF back in 06/07 (I moved states so I'm one very greatful person that my therapist will do a phone session with me!), I'm going camping with a bunch of my mountain biking friends this weekend, and other great things are happening.... I still continue to engage in one really bad behavior.... It just takes over me and boom there I find myself trying to warn my possible replacement of his condition. In all honesty... And I mean this I really haven't a clue why Im doing it or do it. I'm sitting here with the feeling but, unable to identify it. Generally, I'm very observant about my behaviors and if I'm willing I can and do change those that don't serve me well or that hurt others. However, this only happens when I understand why I'm engaging in the behavior... You know have that self-awareness. Right now I'm banging my head against a wall bc I don't want to do this behavior but just can't seem to stop. It's crazy!!! Even more so to me bc I only knew him for 3 months!!! We didn't even spend everyday together!! I think I need some sense knocked into me

Learn2Live

I think it's care taking. Mothering. Doting. I am very much like that. I think I must be annoying to people. Because I haven't really got a mind of my own, don't really just enjoy life, always telling everyone else to "have fun," when I never have any fun. It's like I'm on the sidelines watching everyone and when they do come in contact with me, I treat people like babies. Who the hell wants to hang out with their grandmother? (Unless the person actually WAS their grandmother?!)

I had to learn this about myself and at a certain point I realized I needed to take a big step back and allow other people their own dignity. I also realized it was insulting to others because it's as though I think I am better than they are, like they can't figure things out of their own.

ZiggyB

Hmmm, I have never done this before and perhaps I never knew any of my exes' replacements - although I do think it would be very tacky to do something like that. I'm wonder what my exes would say about me? ugh! Don't even want to think about it!

MTBChick

It is probably me trying to mother other people or save other people. I just don't want to see someone else get deystroyed and have to go through feeling like I have or how any of us have on here. Anyway, me doing it has possibly gotten me in legal trouble.

lillamy

It's... I think it's actually human to not want anyone else to go through what we went through. I often wished that, too, that I could warn AXH's new girlfriends about what they were getting themselves into. He dated a series of caretaker women -- nurses, social workers, counselors -- and what do you know, it turns out they all after a period of time were smarter than I was and realized what they were getting themselves into...

So that was humbling to me. I wanted to "reach out and help" and in reality, they figured out in a matter of months what took me 20 years to figure out.

WishingWell

It's hard. Changing a lifelong trait is not easy doing. I LOVE fixing people and I ALWAYS know exactly what is best for them, if they would only LISTEN to me, I can make their life PERFECT.

Yeah, right. NOT.

I had to give that up, throw it to curb and start from ground zero. When my husband hit the bottom 4 years ago, so did I - with my stuff. I still have to keep my heart open and catch it if it starts. We talk about what jerks alcoholics are here, and some are, but as someone here said - can you imagine what people have said about US?????

A typical Codependent can be seen as > CONTROLLING> MANIPULATING > VICTIM > SELF RIGHTEOUS > ENABLING > SMOTHERING > OBNOXIOUS > NERVOUS > OBSESSIVE . . .

I could go on, been there, done that. And I don't want to be that person ever again.

I congratulate each and everyone of us who see our own flaws in this journey!! That's the beginning of a better life . . .

MTBChick

I agree. I don't want to be that anymore either. He is contacting a lawyer for me having contacted and warning woman and for telling him I was. Said I would be contacted by an attorney acting on his best interest to choose wisely it's not worth it for me. Now I sit and wait for my punishment.

Seren

Hi MTB,

Well, if it were me, I'd be waiting to receive a restraining or 'non harrassment' order at this point.

For your own health, please consider taking whatever steps you need to stop obsessing about him and who he is or is not with. It does nothing to stop his actions, and as you can see, it harms you.

Please take good care of yourself!

ZiggyB

So very true. I know I have felt like some of those things in the past and it doesn't make me feel very good about myself. The obsessive/nervous part especially...

Learn2Live

This is the kind of thing that has taught me to shut the hell up and mind my own business. I sometimes have to tell myself this.

ZiggyB

Hey, I looked at my exbf's email which is how I knew he was lying to me - he and his toad of a friend took pictures of him smoking. Do I feel good about doing it? No... but he left it open on my computer and I was being a snoop.

Cyranoak

...but other than legal requirements please consider complete no contact in this situation. What you've described about yourself, and this isn't a joke, is very stalker-like behavior. A man doing the same thing to a woman would be treated even more severely IMHO.

Alanon is great, I swear by it, but please strongly consider counseling as well.

Good luck,

Cyranoak