aac

I had never even heard of this site until today when I decided to do a search on warning signs of a relapse and how to handle it if it appears one is happening. A little background, I have been married for 5 years to a man that is a recovering alcoholic. The first 3 and half years of our marriage were horrific.....jail time (even for me once defending myself), kicking him out, letting him back in.....all the usual drama that comes with being with a person that has a severe problem. In October 2010, I had had enough. I threw him out of our house and told him never to come back. He called every day, multiple times a day but after all the years of him breaking promises, this was the last straw. For a month previous to that October date, I had been coming home to the smell of alcohol on him....he continually told me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that how were we to move on if I didn't trust him. Finally, I came home one day and the alcohol had taken him completely over.....he still denied it that day, but he packed his bags and left. Two days after he was gone, I found a HUGE (and empty) bottle of vodka hidden under one of his drawers in our bedroom. I kept that bottle for the longest time, with a ripped up wedding photo in it to remind me that I wasn't crazy, did have reason not to trust him and that no matter how many times he said "I'm not lying," that my gut was usually right. After that night, he called incessently. Gradually, I could hear sobriety kicking in during his calls. He has always given tell-tale signs of drinking, even via telephone. By February 2011, he was begging to come home, saying he had been to some AA meeting where he had been staying, talking to some family that told him truthfully about his problem and that HE NEEDED TO CHANGE NOT ME......and he wanted to come home and stay sober. He has been sober since coming home on February 11, 2011. There have been a couple (meaning only once or twice) that I thought something was up, but it was unfounded and most likely based on all the distrust that had already formed over the years.

We began marriage counceling with a professional that also specializes in working with alcoholics in August 2011. It has helped so much! But about a week ago, some of those previously mentioned tell-tale signs started popping up. On Friday, my 9 year old daughter said "Daddy smelled funny." I came home late that night because of a school function and didn't notice anything, but the next day I had an early Saturday college class and was gone for about 5 hours. When I came home, we were supposed to leave and go have some family fun. My husband was at the door when I came home and immediately said something needed to be fixed on the car. He used the rest of the day to fix it, yelling at me when I was trying to do the things he asked me to do to help. I even started crying but he didn't care. He usually cooks but since we were supposed to have family, I asked if he wanted to eat out somewhere. He said fine, but kept suggesting places where we pick up food and come home.....we finally did eat at a restaurant, even though by then, I didn't want to. Our Godson's older brother had a football game the next day and I had asked him abou going several times on Friday. He just said we would talk about it Saturday. We never did and since his "off" behavior had ruined Saturday's plans, I figured we were not going to the game either. I texted a friend that had some stuff in our storage and he said "I thought we were going to the game?" So I said ok, and proceeded to text the mom to find out exactly where the game was going to be. He then switches gears and says "well I thought you said we weren't going?" I put the phone down and said "I don't know what to do, you have me confused." We didn't go to the game either, in fact he stayed home alone while me and the kids went halloween shopping. So the rest of the week had been fine until yesterday. It was his father's birthday and he had called his dad and three-way called me. We all had a nice conversation, but again, some of those signs. Then when the call ended with his father, he proceeded to TELL ME ABOUT THE CONVERSATION WE HAD ALL JUST HAD LIKE I WASN'T INVOLVED!! I asked if he was ok. He said yes and I left it alone. Since I was at work and had to run errands, I told him I would call him on my next break. He called me twice within the next hour! Again, old sign. Then he would not let me get off the phone and get back to work. He used to do this to make sure I didn't pop up at home and catch him or find out he wasn't at home where he said he was. When I got home last night, the smell of alcohol on him/his breath was so bad that I told him I could smell it. I could see his eyes were bloodshot and I had to sleep on the couch. Even though I don't have a drinking problem, I quit with him to support him so now that smell makes me sick. He didn't even care that I slept on the couch. Then today he pops up at my job to (as he put it) surprise me. Surprise me with what? No flower, candy or coffee.....just weird.

As a spouse of a recovering alcoholic, I know that recovery and even sobriety for a long period of time is still something that has to be worked on all the time. I realize relapse is more common than most people would like to admit and I made my mind up that if he did relapse ever, I would be supportive and not just throw him out like I used to, but HE HAD TO BE UP FRONT AND HONEST. I cannot prove anything other than some behavior is strange and that smell, so I have not in the least bit reacted the way I used to.....I want so much to be wrong about all of this but have a funny feeling I am right. I am glad I found this site, even if it is just to vent. My mom passed away this January and my so-called best friend flaked on me through the whole thing so I am kind of isolated on who I can open my mouth to about all of this. I called our counselor but she has not been able to return my call yet.....I am praying I am wrong.
Any thoughts are welcome. Whether I am handling things correctly, whatever....I feel so lost and let down right now.

Leftover

IMO, I think you have the proof you need.....he reeked of booze. Now you must decide what you are going to do. You probably have already told him the consequences if he drank again. Now you must decide if you'll stand behind your words. It's hard to let the AH suffer because you love him and you love your family. You didn't cause his behavior and you cannot stop his behavior, but you can make it difficult for him to continue his alcoholic behavior. Be strong and find an Alanon meeting.

WishingWell

Asking an alcoholic to "be honest" and tell you when they are drinking is setting yourself for complete failure. Lying about drinking is a prime part of the disease. IF he could be honest about his drinking he would no doubt not be an alcoholic.

So throw that one out, IMO.

So, go here to your next statement > I would be supportive and not just throw him out like I used to What do you intend to now that you are pretty certain that he is?

That's the real question - ???

runnermeg94

Trust your instincts/gut. It's probably almost ALWAYS right (and don't convince yourself that it's just b/c of all the past mistrust either). I was in a VERY similar sounding situation with my Recently recovering AH. After a very bad night, I told him to leave and set a boundary of at least 6 months. After looking back, I realize that I was a huge enabler by accusing, listening to the same old ******** and eventually letting it go. He has also admitted to drinking on many of those occasions that I questioned the tell tale signs. I hope you end up trusting your gut and doing with is right for you and your daughter (and other children?).

Titanic

What was your boundary if he relapsed? What did you say WOULD HAPPEN?

Have you been to Al-Anon meetings?

mdkathy62

Thank you aac for your post. I'm in a similar situation with a bf of 3 years and we are living together. I, too, did the same things. I noticed signs of old behavior and ignored them. Somehow, he always had a way to explain everything, even when he smelled like alcohol, it was his friend who was drinking, not him, or he didn't know how he smelled like that. He was stumbling and his eyes were red because he was tired, not because he was drinking. I listened to it all and I thought to myself that I better not hassle him about it else it would make him do it more. I wanted to just let it go and trust him.

My hunch was right. He did in fact relapse and by the time I realized it, he had used $800 on my credit card. It was so hurtful. I'm in a similar situation. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him and support him through his recovery, but I don't want to be like this forever. I want him to recover like the many people at his AA meetings I have met. My family is now not thrilled with this and are starting to distrust him as well. I can't defend the money. Despite the fact that he was sober and doing so well for 6 months, when he finally relapsed, he lied about it and still has not admitted to it (this happened 2-3 days ago). Now he is ignoring everyone and all his responsibilities, in the house, completely useless, and not doing anything. It's painful.

I told him that until he is ready to be honest with himself, he needs to keep his distance from me so we spend our time under the same roof in opposite ends of the house. We avoid each other. I don't speak to him and he doesn't speak to me. I believe he can recover, but I feel like I am in denial. And if he recovers, for how long? Temporary periods then another relapse? I just don't want to think about it. I don't want my family in my ear lecturing me.

I just wish it would go away. I hope your husband finds recovery. I hope you can deal with this better than I currently am.