Confusedgirl14

My bf who was very crazy about me broke up with me for no reason.We had a perfect chemistry and not even a mnth we strtd dating.. He is into alcoholics anonymous for about ten months i believe. He suggested me to join Al-anon. It was just a suggestion and I told him I will support him so not to worry. The problem is he used to skip AA meetings to go out with me. I didnt know AA is very imprtnt and didnt care about that. He used to say that he has to attend daily. I remember him saying once that he should not be in a relationship within one yr of recovery as per AA. I dont know what happened all of a sudden he started avoding me and said that 'we can be friends' and this wont work'..'Give me some time'..'This is not u,this is me'..It was like wat is happening! its not beleivable... I didnt accept..I got frustrated and finally he was very harsh with me and we broke up.... All this happened as he met a special person which he doesnt say who it is. but I believe it is his sponsor...He cut off all the contacts with me. He even doesnt attend my calls...... I am so depressed.. Any suggestions... How to find whthr a person has completed the 12step program? How often they must go to meeting in AA aftr completion?

Titanic

If he met you within one year of when he started his recovery in AA, then he would've been doing something AA advises against. No big changes and no new romantic/sexual relationships in the first year. No 13th stepping, which means getting involved TO BOOT with someone in the AA program. If he has been going for a year or more, he should have gotten his 1st anniversary chip. But don't check up on him.

Let this Go and consider yourself lucky. He was and is in no shape to be in a new relationship. Everything that you related tells me so. Al-Anon can still help YOU because of what he put you through, and in many other ways too! It's really great, whether one is still living with and alcoholic or not (I'm out but still have kids with her).

All the best to you in Your new life. Peace.

Confusedgirl14

Hi titanic thanks for your post.... I cant leave him like that.. Ya he met me while he was in recovery(i think 8th mnth). He was a heavy drinker for about 2mnths so he got into AA. He doesnt have any history of alcohols prior to that.I like him a lot. The thing which confuses me is why he cant tell me to wait until he is ready for a relationship as said by his sponsor.. I am ready to wait for him.. Why must he lie to me....

soexhausted

If you go down a few posts I just recently posted a thread titled Totally Confused.
You are doing exactly what I have been doing, trying to make sense of a totally irrational mind.
There thoughts and emotions are all over the place. They are trying to fix a broken brain.
That leaves little space and time for us.
We cannot even predict what their next move might be, they have no idea.
All we can do is take care of ourselves.
We can not change their behavior, we can only change our own.
Al Anon has done wonders for me. It took the focus off of her and put it on me.
Where it belongs!

Confusedgirl14

Hi soexhausted ur post was really helpful to me.... Read your thread...thanks. He used to say a million times 'i love u' while saying good night... But before our break up he didnt say as usual. when i asked he said me the same sentence like ur gf ' I cant be forced to tell something'....! He is a very stable person now and nobody can doubt him wthr he was an ex-alcoholic...

allforcnm

I have never understood this general blanket rule by AA / NA dictating to its members when they should enter relationships. I do agree that as a general rule it is the safest; but to me all people are different, and I think the rule is ridiculous. When my husband entered rehab I was told by many here that I would need to step away from him for at least a year because he needed only to focus on himself, and he would be mentally unstable to be in a relationship anyway. But fortunately, he went to a rehab that was not involved in AA, and they actually promoted family involvement, and never did I hear a word about anyone not being able to transition back to their family, or girlfriend/boyfriend.

My husband is clean almost 6 months now, and he is home with me and our baby. I am not seeing where he is incapable of handling our relationship, his duties as a father, his career. So I just don’t get this rule of AA; it just makes no sense to me, and I don’t think it is even acceptable that members are pressures by other members, sponsors to end relationships. This is not the first (by any means) that Ive heard people post here asking why, when things were going so well.

And I was thinking about this yesterday because I watched an episode of that show Intervention. The girl was sent to rehab and was involved in a relationship with another addict. The rehab worried about her going back to an active addict actually offered him a free rehab so he could also get clean, and they could be a sober couple. The therapist / psychologist even said they could be of great help to each other and attend meetings together, etc. So I thought back to that rule, and again it didn’t fit.

Even though it doesn’t affect me; just venting my confusion. Doesn’t seem fair in so many cases; possibly even detrimental to recovery in some cases.

Confusedgirl14

Thanks allforcm. I reallly cant understand that rule...Whenever I try to talk to him he backs away.... So depressed....Whether I should wait for him or not? If he had changed his mind then there is no point in waiting for him..And how often should a person go to AA meeting after completing the 12steps?

allforcnm

I cant really answer how often he should go; what I think based on the reaserch that we did before picking a recovery method is that even after completing the 12 steps; its assumed to be a lifelong recovery / fellowship.

Titanic

To hopefully clear up the confusion, please read the general recommendation again allforcnm: "No big changes [decisions] and no new romantic/sexual relationships in the first year." Excluding cases of domestic violence or abuse, of course, as always.

That means that if you ALREADY are in a relationship before rehab/recovery begins, you DO NOT make any big changes or decisions as to THAT relationship. No separation or divorce. You work the AA program instead.

Pretty much all alcoholics are told to put sober recovery first, #1 priority, because the alternative is not at all good for the A or the loved ones. So, yes, the spouse or partner must take a step back in priority BUT NOT OUT of the existing relationship! And yes, they MAY have to be physically apart for a while (per most inpatient rehabs and halfway houses' rules etc., not AA's; it's a medical-detox-segregated treatment-insurance-administrative-beds thing). (P.S. I wasn't on SR back then when you posted.)

AA and Al-Anon both support ALL family members working their own recoveries simultaneously and what could be more equal than that?!

The couple in Intervention already were a couple before rehab so that was AOK as I said before.

The OP, however, GOT INVOLVED while the A was IN the first year of recovery so clearly the A was not following the recommendation. Who suffers? Her, innocently bamboozled by this "dry alcoholic." The A knew well what he was SUPPOSED to do. In addition, read his other lines ... they just go to show you what he's all about still ... just sayin' what I see (like we Al-Anoners are supposed to) and not talking to him about his inventory or his side of the street.

Hope that helps!

RobC420

The "no relationships within a year" suggestion is just that.....a suggestion. It is not a rule by any definition of the word. It is suggested because it is common for people new in recovery to jump in to a relationship within the first year and then relapse when the relationship goes sour. It happens over and over. This is for people who are not in a relationship when entering recovery.

This is not a suggestion for people who are in relationships when they enter AA. Such is to say, I would be shocked if someone suggested that your ex-boyfriend should end your relationship because he is within his first year. Seeing as though you were currently in a relationship when he joined AA this suggestion does not apply.

That being said, being in early recovery is very hard for that person. It necessitates a lot of looking in to ones own actions, beliefs, motives, etc., etc., etc. Not only that, but a recovering alcoholic/addict resembles an active alcoholic/addict very little. Many changes may be happening in the life of someone in early recovery. I've been sober 18 months and I do things I never did when I got sober and I don't do things I did all the time when I got sober. My interests changed, etc.

Also there is no 'completion' to AA. No graduation. It is a lifetime program of daily living.

These things can be very hard for a non alcoholic/addict to understand. It seems to me he made a good suggestion that you consider attending Al-Anon. There you will learn many things about alcoholics/addicts behavior. You will also gain a lot of support from other people who have been and are now in your shoes. They can help you better understand this confusing time.

webber1

Its Absurd...

So what about the partner that stuck by the AH in the hard times ? You have to leave him now your in recovery but btw he/sh was the one that got you there. To make it worse AA is hardly a proven recovery method.

Ive been through this and trust me.. meet new people as your eyes will open to a new relationship...

Even in rehab its all about the AH..

RobC420

No. I think you misunderstand. If you're married when entering recovery the "no relationship in the first year" SUGGESTION does NOT apply. The SUGGESTION is for people who are SINGLE when they enter recovery. Even then it is a SUGGESTION. NOT a RULE. The person in recovery doesn't even have to listen to it if they don't want..

Lulu39

Nope. I'm just more confused

I have been verbally, emotionally and financially abused for the last 8 years at least. Am I excluded?

I also made him leave because he is in total denial about his addictions and the fact he abuses me. So I am separated and I can't see him EVER acknowledging he has any issues with addiction or abuse whatsoever. Apparently, I am lying to anyone I speak to: There was no abuse and he is not an alcoholic/drug addict. I am just a f*cking CRAZY B*TCH!

Do I get a free pass? He called a string of brothels and prostitutes on his second night out of our home.

MsPINKAcres

"I have been verbally, emotionally and financially abused for the last 8 years at least. Am I excluded? "

I wanted to respond to LuLu39's post -
I hate so much that you have been in an abusive relationship for so long with someone involved in the active disease ~ that is heartbreaking and painful . . .

Although AA & Al-Anon suggest not making any major decisions for the first year, the program also suggest that you take the necessary action to keep you and your children safe (if there are children) ~

Everyone has the right to live in a safe, serene and peaceful home without physical, emotional or mental abuse ~

I pray that love, support and suggestions you are given in Al-Anon and at SR will help you to know what is the healthiest way to make these decisions for you and your home ~

What I have found in my recovery journey is there is not chiseled in stone, black and white, yes or no, cookie cutter answer to every question or situation - you must seek the guidance and direction of your recovery program and your HP for what is healthiest for you ~

just my experience, strength and hope

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Titanic

I get the rest of your response Rob, but not this part. The OP, Confusedgirl14, was NOT in a relationship with the bf when he joined AA: "Hi titanic thanks for your post.... I cant leave him like that.. Ya he met me while he was in recovery(i think 8th mnth)." And, besides me, the only other poster, allforcnm, was married when her husband went into rehab. BTW, you saw that the OP's X already met a "special person" who he won't disclose, right? 13th stepping too?


Well, I did say recommendation. In any event, the entire AA program is a recommendation or suggestion by AA. Not a rule. It's all voluntary. But once a just sober A starts picking and choosing which Steps and parts the A likes and follows, and which the A doesn't, then it isn't the AA program AT ALL anymore. It's the "terminally unique" A's custom (and unproven) program. And that doesnt spell S-U-C-C-E-S-S.

Virtually all rehab and treatment centers, however, do have a "no fraternization" RULE in place. "SOBRIETY is your #1 priority. No drugs, drinks, substances, new partners, etc. in rehab. No fraternizing here, and no new relationships in rehab or the first year of recovery. SOBRIETY FIRST. No substitute or cross-addictions. No big changes or decisions in rehab or the first year of recovery. 90 AA/NA meetings in 90 days once your recovery starts - the day you leave here. SOBRIETY ALWAYS." Can you imagine the freshly detoxed, and in withdrawal, A's thoughts:
Yeah, Lulu39, I hear you loud and clear! It sucks. He's all wrong as are the people in rehab or treatment who dismiss your experience and view you that way.

Again: By saying Domestic Violence and Abuse excluded, I mean that the Non-A, can choose not to be in the relationship that existed at the moment rehab/recovery started. But the recommendation of "No big changes or decisions, and no new relationships in rehab or the first year of recovery" would still apply to the A.

Hypatia

AA rules and suggestions only apply to those people who have freely chosen to join and actively participate in the AA fellowship. Folks confuse the specific AA philosophy with general alcohol treatment, because within the US it is often the only affordable treatment available to those seeking help. The problem in the USA is that AA has such a strong monopoly within the alcohol recovery industry that many people assume that AA is the only path to recovery. As a result, there is pressure from US society, including the US courts and judicial system, to try and get all alcoholics to conform to the AA program. There have even been a few US court cases where people successfully appealed being sentenced to attend AA meetings and won the right to get alternative treatment.

One of the worst things which ever happened was when the US justice system decided to start forcing people into the AA program. This increased the public perception that AA is the one and true path to enlightenment.

AA has been misused by the US government and incorporated into the judicial system as a cheap and easy fix to the problem of supplying court ordered treatment for alcoholics. Perhaps if AA had recognised the problem of "forced indoctrination" and required that people may only join voluntarily then many criticisms could have been avoided. As it stands now, many Americans cannot envision ANY form of recovery without AA involvement. And that is really sad, because there have been many new developments in treatment options since the 1930s.

SparkleKitty

ConfusedGirl14, whether there is someone at AA telling him he needs to end things with you, or whether he is using AA's guidelines as an excuse to break it off...I think that you need to consider taking his actions at face-value. He has cut off contact and won't respond to your calls/texts. He says he has met a special person and won't tell you who it is. He didn't ask you to wait. He knows you are hurting and he still won't respond. As painful as it is to accept, this looks like a break-up, and a not very nice one at that.

You deserve to be treated better than this. If you can open your heart and mind to the idea that this relationship is over, you can begin the process of moving on and eventually being with someone who will be nicer to you than this.

wow04

AA suggests no relationship in the first year so you can work on your recovery. You are no good to anyone if you haven't worked the steps and had the spiritual experience. This only applies to single people who enter AA. If they are already in a relationship AA doesn't suggest them to end it, unless it is abusive.
I think your boyfriend seen some red flags. You say he skipped AA meetings to be with you, which means he was putting you before his recovery. He needs to hit as many meetings as he can, if he wants to go daily that is wonderful.
A 12 step program is never complete. It is a life long progress. I have over 9 years sober and I hit 3 to 4 meetings a week. I also sponsor 5 women at this time. How many AA meetings one attends is up to them.
It doesn't seem fair to the other person, but recovery will always come first. I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend that is also in recovery so he understands. I have 2 sponsees that have husbands who attend alanon. I have one that hasn't found someone who understands her commiment to AA.
I am sorry you are going through this. It will get better with time.

Titanic

Right on SparkleKitty and wow04!

The A has to focus on and work the A's prescribed recovery program*, not get a "workout" with a new: boyfriend or girlfriend or sex (addict) partner. The initial misery and void the A feels actually helps the process of recovery!

* Note I didn't say only AA, Hypatia!

Hollyanne

6 months sober, and I got into a relationship.
Can anyone say DISASTER????
I argued with my AA peeps before this about it being RUBBISH!
Well, just because a few million people have found it not a good idea, doesn't mean it's true!

It is NEW RELATIONSHIPS. Not existing relationships.

No-one tells someone to break up with an existing partner.
Many people break up after some sobriety if the dynamic becomes intolerable.
Either the RA is a pain to live with or the partner is.

Ps, Rehab is kind of supposed to be about the addict? No?