Why?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Why?
I know I may be in the wrong forum but I'm really at my wits end and I need to understand. My separated AH would rather sleep in his car and stay at motels than work on himself and be with his family. I don't understand this at all. I need to know from those afflicted with this disease...why would he choose the chaos??? Am I really so horrible that the alternative of sleeping in his car is better? Who is this man? I am at a loss...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,854
It has nothing to do with you. He is in the grips of alcoholism which affects the brain and makes a person do whatever is necessary to keep things as they are. It isn't a conscious choice, it's just what he feels he needs to do.
He isn't drinking AT you, he is drinking because he is an alcoholic.
He isn't drinking AT you, he is drinking because he is an alcoholic.
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
I know I was bad off for many years while I was an active alcoholic... (if he's like me) He is stuck in a state of inner turmoil, a daily cycle of self imposed slavery that will never stop... until 'he' is ready for it to stop, until he can see a way out, takes that oppertunity at sobriety and puts everything he has into it.
I thought like so many newcomers stepping in here and asking "How will I make it through the boredom?" "How will I have a life?"
I could not comprehend a world without it and I would have lived in a cardboard box on the street so I could get my fix. To us ~10%ers It is our crack rock, our power, our everything.
I thought like so many newcomers stepping in here and asking "How will I make it through the boredom?" "How will I have a life?"
I could not comprehend a world without it and I would have lived in a cardboard box on the street so I could get my fix. To us ~10%ers It is our crack rock, our power, our everything.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I chose alcohol over everyone close to me....Including my now ex wife and family....I was in a lot of pain and one thing kept me drinking.....Fear of the unknown. Alcohol was all I knew and the thought of life without it terrified me....It wasn't until the fear of what alcohol was doing to me....The known....Was greater than the fear of the unknown....That I could honestly admit to myself I was the problem and I needed to do something about it.... It took me the 12 steps of AA to figure that out. Believe me....It has nothing to do with you.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
As a alcoholic and addict in recovery. I just cant explain it to someone that isnt.. You just dont and wont understand it.. And thank god for that. But truly its like someone telling me about when they went to war. I never have so I can imagine , but not understand it.
And I hope you do give Al-Anon a look, they will help you in ways that I as a alcoholic can not..
But like other told you , its not you.. And before someone chooses to get clean. They arent choosing to live like that either. It just about the next drink for survival.
And I hope you do give Al-Anon a look, they will help you in ways that I as a alcoholic can not..
But like other told you , its not you.. And before someone chooses to get clean. They arent choosing to live like that either. It just about the next drink for survival.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
when i was active in my alcoholism, i chose alcohol over everything sane. it was all i knew and it was mother's milk to me. i didn't know how to live without it and i couldn't face people who tried to take it from me. my husband never threatened to kick me out or never gave me and ultimatum but i hid in my room or the basement to avoid coming into contact with people. i couldn't stand being around them, knowing that they knew and having to face them. it wasn't anything they did. everyone around me ignored my problem. never spoke a word of it. it was the elephant in the room. but i ran and hid in this miserable life because misery was my comfort zone. it was all i knew and it was what i took a morbid solace in.
we choose chaos because we've forgotten what a more normal life is like. many of us have even given up on it. what it takes, for many of us, to start working on sobriety is to see regular people who are alcoholics living that more normal life. to learn that you don't have to be Superman or really anyone extraordinary to achieve that goal of sobriety. that's what you see when you see new people come here. they are lost and unclear and scared at first. we're here to just tell them that it IS possible and to share how we've done it. are doing it. and to guide and give support. you can become an alcoholic on your own but it takes a community to get sober.
just like he'll need a community to get sober, you're going to need a community to share your experiences with and learn how to live with someone who's struggling with this disease. you aren't born knowing how to have a relationship with someone who's ill like this. Al-anon can help and the friends and family board here can help too. what's important now is that you don't obsess over his illness. remember that if you're not taking care of yourself, you're no good to anyone.
we choose chaos because we've forgotten what a more normal life is like. many of us have even given up on it. what it takes, for many of us, to start working on sobriety is to see regular people who are alcoholics living that more normal life. to learn that you don't have to be Superman or really anyone extraordinary to achieve that goal of sobriety. that's what you see when you see new people come here. they are lost and unclear and scared at first. we're here to just tell them that it IS possible and to share how we've done it. are doing it. and to guide and give support. you can become an alcoholic on your own but it takes a community to get sober.
just like he'll need a community to get sober, you're going to need a community to share your experiences with and learn how to live with someone who's struggling with this disease. you aren't born knowing how to have a relationship with someone who's ill like this. Al-anon can help and the friends and family board here can help too. what's important now is that you don't obsess over his illness. remember that if you're not taking care of yourself, you're no good to anyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I've been a member here for years and usually post in F&F forum and I attend Alanon and counseling but this seems to be the one question that is recurring. I do care for myself and our children, I just don't understand his mentality. I never wanted to give up on him but I can't keep caring for someone that doesn't care for himself. He has cost me mentally, emotionally, financially, physically...and his reasoning always is "I'm not willing to do what it takes to get better." I am slowly but surely detaching but I was trying to come to terms with why anyone would want to live in that pain and cause their loved ones such chaos and pain. I supported him in every way and it just didn't matter. I'm really defeated inside.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by sweetteewalls 
I've been a member here for years and usually post in F&F forum and I attend Alanon and counseling but this seems to be the one question that is recurring. I do care for myself and our children, I just don't understand his mentality. I never wanted to give up on him but I can't keep caring for someone that doesn't care for himself. He has cost me mentally, emotionally, financially, physically...and his reasoning always is "I'm not willing to do what it takes to get better." I am slowly but surely detaching but I was trying to come to terms with why anyone would want to live in that pain and cause their loved ones such chaos and pain. I supported him in every way and it just didn't matter. I'm really defeated inside.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
alcohol is like a parasite that lives inside you. it eats at you and it attaches itself to your brain. it weakens your good judgment, your self esteem, it warps your view of reality and it makes you totally and completely dependent on it. if and when he ever reaches the point where he's tired of fighting with alcohol, tired of being miserable with it and is ready to do the work (i say if you're going to be miserable, be miserable and in recovery) is entirely up to him. nothing you can say or do can directly effect whether or not he decides to seek recovery. sometimes what you say can nudge a person in the general direction but in the end, it has to be the person wanting recovery for themselves for it to be meaningful and have a chance at being long lasting. focus on yourself and your family and taking care of #1. you. he is in God's hands.
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
Just to add; He needs to understand that recovery IS possible. Once I got it in my head, spoken from the mouths of alcoholics, I then had HOPE and (quoting here) "Hope is a very powerful thing".
I ran with it and am now over one year sober and not looking back.
I really do wish the best for both of you, but there is just no telling if\when he might turn that corner.
I ran with it and am now over one year sober and not looking back.
I really do wish the best for both of you, but there is just no telling if\when he might turn that corner.
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