What role did we play?
Iceberg Ahead!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
What role did we play?
Here's what How Al-Anon Works, at pages 31-32 (2008), has to say about the roles family and friends play:
" As we become increasingly aware of the dynamics of the family disease, many of us discover that we have performed a particular function in our family or group. Friends and family members play a wide variety of supporting roles in the family disease, all of which attempt to control the uncontrollable disease of alcoholism and to bring order into the unpredictable and often explosive living or working environment. We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities. Perhaps we find that our role has been to take the blame whenever anything goes wrong, even when we weren't remotely involved. Others provide comic relief, serving to create light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home. And some of us provoke, venting our pent-up frustration and resentment, providing the alcoholic with an excuse to drink, and poisoning ourselves with our growing bitterness.
" All of these supporting roles work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to play his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected."
What was your role? " All of these supporting roles work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to play his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making.
Others provide comic relief, serving to create light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home
Yup...that was me. I have always been extremely good natured, still am. And, life got harder and harder as I learned not to enable and keep trying to "save" him. As I got further away from enabling, his "cushy" life was gradually changed. I don't need to tell you that he did NOT like it.
I still fight the urge to "save" him.
Others provide comic relief, serving to create light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home
Yup...that was me. I have always been extremely good natured, still am. And, life got harder and harder as I learned not to enable and keep trying to "save" him. As I got further away from enabling, his "cushy" life was gradually changed. I don't need to tell you that he did NOT like it.
I still fight the urge to "save" him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
" Others provide comic relief, serving to create light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home."
Holy crap,^^^^^^^^^^ this is EXACTLY what I did. I always tried to lighten his heart. I was always telling him tomorrow will be better. WOW!!
Holy crap,^^^^^^^^^^ this is EXACTLY what I did. I always tried to lighten his heart. I was always telling him tomorrow will be better. WOW!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
The truth is, codependency is a "disease" as well. It will ruin the life of anyone who is co-dependent. It's an addiction to fixing other people. It's a tough one to break. This is a lifelong journey. I just decided that I need an update from Melody Beattie and bought her latest book.
I'm fully aware that I will have to keep learning and growing in my own life so that I don't fall back into that behavior. It's not healthy. Period!
I'm fully aware that I will have to keep learning and growing in my own life so that I don't fall back into that behavior. It's not healthy. Period!
Will do list of Chapter summary sentences.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Definitely the comic relief. Classic youngest in an alcoholic family. There wasn't a whole lot of 'fun' about it, though it certainly prepared me for a life in the theatre. I gotta be grateful for that (even if I still need a day job to support it)!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
*raising hand* I was the provoker. I never tried to cover up my mother's alcoholism. Quite the opposite. I wanted her to be reminded of- and suffer for- the living hell that was growing up in our home. I had so much rage and bitterness inside of me that I was slowly dying away as a person. Al-Anon and therapy helped save me from myself. Now I'm NC, which I know is the only way I'll ever stay sane.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Home Run for Me!
I was all these to the Wife.. And I say "WAS" because I've backed off a lot since joining here.
I still provide the comic relief now and then, but that's just me being my usual off-the-wall.
I still provide the comic relief now and then, but that's just me being my usual off-the-wall.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have been dealing with this addiction thing for over 60 years, my mother at age 87 is still drinking, my cousin at age 69 is still drinking, my step sister age 62. same deal. My father is dead, although he was an alcoholic too, he stopped drinking at age 65 but still displayed the traits of an "A", then we have his wife, who died before him, for the last 10 years of her life
she sat in her room all day, smoking and drinking scotch.
In addition to that, I married two drinkers, both deceased and finally hooked up with an abusive,
crack cocaine user, who also drank him self silly.
So, I can assure you that I have used each and every tactic at one time or another. I feel that
sometimes I had no choice, in an effort to protect myself, I used whatever tactic worked. Probably a load of crap, but that is what I thought at the time.
Wishing Well said this:
"The truth is, codependency is a "disease" as well. It will ruin the life of anyone who is co-dependent. It's an addiction to fixing other people."
I agree,there was a hoopla going on recently where some people took offense to being labeled and enabler/codependent, IMO it is just a word, it is the action(s) that brings codependency into play, we could change the word to "Love Struck" it wouldn't make any difference to me, that is what I was and possibly to some degree still am.
Good post, thank you!
she sat in her room all day, smoking and drinking scotch.
In addition to that, I married two drinkers, both deceased and finally hooked up with an abusive,
crack cocaine user, who also drank him self silly.
So, I can assure you that I have used each and every tactic at one time or another. I feel that
sometimes I had no choice, in an effort to protect myself, I used whatever tactic worked. Probably a load of crap, but that is what I thought at the time.
Wishing Well said this:
"The truth is, codependency is a "disease" as well. It will ruin the life of anyone who is co-dependent. It's an addiction to fixing other people."
I agree,there was a hoopla going on recently where some people took offense to being labeled and enabler/codependent, IMO it is just a word, it is the action(s) that brings codependency into play, we could change the word to "Love Struck" it wouldn't make any difference to me, that is what I was and possibly to some degree still am.
Good post, thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
My daughter and I are tag team enablers. I help provide the safe environment in which AW can drink, and daughter often plays the provoker, confronting AW when she's drunk, looking for bottles, then forgiving her after a heart-to-heart talk and AW promising to do better.
I used to be a provoker, but I've largely given that up, because I don't think it helps. Sometimes I still do it out of frustration, but generally, I try to just stay out of the way and endure it. Now I'm just biding my time until I have the courage to get out.
I think some call that a dysfunctional family.
I used to be a provoker, but I've largely given that up, because I don't think it helps. Sometimes I still do it out of frustration, but generally, I try to just stay out of the way and endure it. Now I'm just biding my time until I have the courage to get out.
I think some call that a dysfunctional family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am a codependant I have been trying to fix him. But not his alcoholism since I met him sober. His health, his mental problems, his anger about what he did to himself, his dysfuntional family (gave up on that quickly thank goodness), his teeth (dont ask that cost), boy the list is long. Some things have really changed and some have not he has worked hard in certain areas.
Now that he has picked up.........
I find myself looking at him - 30 pounds heavier than when he got here (good), not in daily pain, a month and a half away from having a Bentley for teeth (cost), Gone from 18 - 25 hospital stays a year to around 3. Diabetes controlled, Bipolar controlled.
All that work DOWN THE DRAIN. I feel like I have been building a paper mache sculpture for 2 years and he just used it for firewood.
And I am PISSED.
I see myself sequeing into the provoker. Or maybe just the bi**h. Back to al-anon today. I don't want to become one of those bitter women that hates men and I don't want to become the person that sits here and calls him names because he disgusts me.
Now that he has picked up.........
I find myself looking at him - 30 pounds heavier than when he got here (good), not in daily pain, a month and a half away from having a Bentley for teeth (cost), Gone from 18 - 25 hospital stays a year to around 3. Diabetes controlled, Bipolar controlled.
All that work DOWN THE DRAIN. I feel like I have been building a paper mache sculpture for 2 years and he just used it for firewood.
And I am PISSED.
I see myself sequeing into the provoker. Or maybe just the bi**h. Back to al-anon today. I don't want to become one of those bitter women that hates men and I don't want to become the person that sits here and calls him names because he disgusts me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
"All that work DOWN THE DRAIN"
I wouldn't mind the medical expenses, except that most of what she takes carries the warning "Don't mix with alcohol"... which she ignores. It's like flushing that money down the toilet.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
I am a codependant I have been trying to fix him. But not his alcoholism since I met him sober. His health, his mental problems, his anger about what he did to himself, his dysfuntional family (gave up on that quickly thank goodness), his teeth (dont ask that cost), boy the list is long. Some things have really changed and some have not he has worked hard in certain areas.
Now that he has picked up.........
I find myself looking at him - 30 pounds heavier than when he got here (good), not in daily pain, a month and a half away from having a Bentley for teeth (cost), Gone from 18 - 25 hospital stays a year to around 3. Diabetes controlled, Bipolar controlled.
All that work DOWN THE DRAIN. I feel like I have been building a paper mache sculpture for 2 years and he just used it for firewood.
And I am PISSED.
I see myself sequeing into the provoker. Or maybe just the bi**h. Back to al-anon today. I don't want to become one of those bitter women that hates men and I don't want to become the person that sits here and calls him names because he disgusts me.
Now that he has picked up.........
I find myself looking at him - 30 pounds heavier than when he got here (good), not in daily pain, a month and a half away from having a Bentley for teeth (cost), Gone from 18 - 25 hospital stays a year to around 3. Diabetes controlled, Bipolar controlled.
All that work DOWN THE DRAIN. I feel like I have been building a paper mache sculpture for 2 years and he just used it for firewood.
And I am PISSED.
I see myself sequeing into the provoker. Or maybe just the bi**h. Back to al-anon today. I don't want to become one of those bitter women that hates men and I don't want to become the person that sits here and calls him names because he disgusts me.
Glad you are going to Al-Anon. Time to redirect all that energy & expense on your recovery--it seems to me that the co-dependent way of life, is really just a grasping for identity and a way to tell ourselves what kind loving parents, spouses, children (fill in the blank) we are, because only a saint would put up with this endless horrific abuse. We know deep down WE ARE NO SAINTS, and so we play this idiotic "loving rescue" charade. Wow, time to get real.
Your post helped me a bunch. Thank you! 70X7
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
After years of playing the victim, I turned into the provoker. I yelled, name called, threw things, said I hated him, hid his stuff, and reminded him every chance I could how he had 'ruined my life'. Of course, now I realize I was as sick as him and I had done it to myself. I eventually burned myself out and shut down completely (not sure what role that is). And ironically enough, that's when things started to get better.
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