NoRingWraith

When I have a few beers I'm totally honest with myself. My anger comes out and my self hatred comes out. Where does this fit in the forums? does anyone else ever feel this way?

misterritter

I know what you mean about feeling like booze allowed me to be honest and do things I wouldn't have done or said sober. It wasn't self-hatred though more along the lines of committing to things or saying things to people i felt like I wouldn't have had the courage to do sober. And I definitely let my anger out more when i was drinking. I don't think its a healthy way to deal with it though.

That is a part of me I never liked, so it is something I have decided to change rather than use it as an excuse to drink.

My point is that if a person truly feels something he should be able to express it sober, and if there is true self-hatred there sober or not, it is not a good thing.

artsoul

Yeah, alcohol shuts down inhibitions and that part of the brain that we use to make reasonable decisions. I think we've all done things while drinking and acted out in ways we wish we hadn't. To me, it felt like whatever I was feeling/thinking was exaggerated when I drank.

Alcohol also made me depressed and anxious. Have you had any sober time? I felt a lot better about myself after I stopped drinking.

MIRecovery

IMO Anger is usually fear based. We are afraid of who we have become and afraid of who we will be. In short we do not like ourselves. Once you are clean and sober for a while the shame, guilt, and self loathing go away and so does a lot of the anger. Your self esteme goes up and we start to like ourselves a little more.

I am an AA fan so working the steps is absolutely essiental in getting rid of the remaining fear, anger, and resentments. It is only when we let go of these negative emotions and come to grips with our past can we really have true peace.

Carly2332

I think it was the alcohol that caused the negative feelings that I had towards myself. It was depressing me, in ways I hadn't realized. It has taken me almost four weeks of being sober to see that.

MIRecovery

Congrats on 4 weeks! I like to say the longer I am sober the drunker I was. I'm at 3 years and I still keep finding differant ways alcohol had effected me in a negative way that I never realized before.

quitforme79

I would get extremely angry or sad. It was like I was a completely different person without any control over my emotions. No good. Let's stay on this side of the fence

Black

It is such a bad feeling my kids could tell you all about this. I would hate myself so much when drinking and then mouth of horrible things to my DH and Kids and worse yet remember saying things sometimes and mostly not. My husband would enlighten me next day and I would be mortified and have to apologize to my kids. The sad thing about this to me is you can take back the sad things that you have said and the kids find it hard to forget once it is said. I am on my 3rd day now and finding it easy enough as from Thursday to Sunday was my drinking days but I am determined to give myself and lovely family a better life.

Black

That should say Can't take back the horrible thing once said.

hypochondriac

Is it really honesty or are you just being mean to yourself? For me alcohol just heightened emotions already there. Self loathing is a huge problem for me. But the more I focus on that the worse it gets. And alcohol drains you of all self respect so it is natural that when you drink that's what you focus on. Getting sober gave me some level of respect to allow me to work on my negative view of myself. CBT, mindfulness and AA all help me with this.

NoRingWraith

I'm able to go almost a full week but then I start thinking about it and blow it for myself. ugh! 4 weeks would be great. I've done it in the past but not for a long time.

and the crazy thing is that I don't have cravings - I just do it to sabotage myself.

I am not a social drinker. When I have anything, I go out to the local liquor store and buy a big bottle of dark beer. It's high alcohol, so one bottle will do the trick-and I don't always get angry, it's when I do something stupid like lose a debit card or can't find something I need- I'm always losing something - then I get angry with myself and feel real hatred toward myself.

thankfully no one ever sees me like that, except my dogs, who have freaked out when I yell and rant! I think the self hate is always there, but the alcohol kind of makes it worse.

so just when I think I'll go to a meeting is the day I decide I want beer instead. I never seem to be able to get to one. I'm too afraid to.

NoRingWraith

I only say horrible things to myself thankfully

but my poor pitiful self can't take the abuse. But I grew up with self hate and it is hard to get rid of.

NoRingWraith

I am too afraid of going to a meeting. I don't know why. I can't seem to get to one. every time I plan on going, I find an excuse not to.

hypochondriac

If you want to go to a meeting I'd recommend calling up your local AA chapter. I did that (actually I rang the national number but ended up talking to someone locally) and the person I spoke to made sure I made it to a meeting and met me there x

Anna

NoWringWraith,

I experienced pretty much the same thing you did. I would feel very hateful toward myself as soon as I started drinking. And, I always drank alone. Of course, the negative feelings just enhanced the downward spiral I was caught up in. I self-sabotaged. I was the queen of self-sabotage, and it began years before I started drinking, but got worse when I drank. My self-esteem was so low that it was hard for me to accept something good happening in my life. It wasn't just hard, it felt uncomfortable, so I would mess things up and lose the 'good' thing. Then I was justify my self-hate all over again.

Step out of the cycle and know and believe that you deserve a good life. We all do. You can be successful in recovery and live the life you want. I found "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav to be super helpful for me in beginning to believe that I had a purpose in this life.

awuh1

NoWringWraith, here is a link to the local AA folks in madtown ------> Madison and vicinity

Call them up and talk to them (the people who answer the AA phones LIVE for calls like yours). Ask questions. Have them suggest a specific meeting to go to. Perhaps the person answering the phone would be willing to go with you to the meeting or meet you there if you request it.

NoWringWraith I love your location. Used to live at the end of Pinckney street on lake Mendota (before they built that awful multi story building there). I have some VERY fond memories of that place. Enjoy it sober for me would ya?

MIRecovery

Of all things in the world not to be afraid of is an AA meeting. AA's are the nicest, most compassionate, and understanding people you will ever meet. We have all been where you are at and understand. Nobody got to AA because they were on a winning streak. The only thing they want is to see you get better.

Durring the first 5 minutes they will ask if there is anyone who has never been to a meeting. All you have to do is say, "Me" and I would like help. The members will take it from there.

What you will find is for the first time in your life you are surronded with real live people who understand your problem.


Just do it. It may be the most important thing you have ever done or will ever do and scarey is one thing a meeting is not.

CaiHong

Hi NoWringWraith,

You are very self aware of this cycle of self hate drinking and sabotage, now find something that can help and support you to stop it. It can be stopped and your life can change.
I stopped drinking with both the support of AA and SR.

All the best on your road to recovery.

Love
CaiHong

DisplacedGRITS

I found that i don't hate myself when i'm not drinking because alcohoisn't there to kick me when i'm down. When my head is clear, i'm more able to appreciate the good in myself and forgive my flawsl i am, after all, only human. I would never dare treat a good friend that way so why should i treat myself so cruelly? Listen, alcohol is mean. Are you really that upset over a misplaced debit card? That's a pebble in the road of life. Alcohol magnifies those tiny flaws. You get caught up in miniscule snags and blow them out of proportion. You're not being honest with yourself when you're drinking. You warping your view of reality. Alcohol fuels self hatred which in turn fuels your alcholism. That's how many of us got to where we were in our drinking. You've got to stop pulling the wool over your eyes and start seeing reality for what it is. Your alcoholism is feeding you lies and you've been conditioned to take them as truth. The real truth is that we're not as awful as we think we are. When we can gain some sobriety, that becomes more evident. Part of the reason early sobriety is so hard is that you're just going on the blind faith that you really aren't as bad as you think you are. That's where comminity support comes in so handy. You need people around you to tell you and show you that you aren't an awful person. Lost debit card, lost keys, misplaced items, brain fog, anger, depression...we've all experienced these things as well and still come through on the other side sober. Don't let what really amounts to a small set back break your resolve to get sober. You're worth it. You just don't realize it yet.

NoRingWraith

Yeah thank you for that. I think I've been doing that to myself too, long before the alcohol.

I have freaked out my poor dogs even though I don't yell at them. I don't want to scare them! I know how it is to have an angry family member who yells and screams and wanting to crawl under the bed when someone started yelling. ...

There is Smart Recovery that has meetings not too far from me, and I find reasons not to go.

AA has so many different kinds of meetings that they are intimidating. I went to one just once, I got my nerve up to go. But it was a meeting where they just read from something, sat at a round table, on this stage-like thing in a church. and when I walked in, nobody looked up, they just kept reading their own private stuff-first I sat down in a pew, wondered what I was doing, got up and I walked out. Nobody noticed. Never tried it again.